why Team Green in PgAL wouldn't work for me this time..

dragonfly1809 · December 2014

I've realised that I've found a great deal of peace with this pregnancy by making things for this baby using his name.
We've always been firmly Team Green, but this time I really needed to bond differently - I needed to separate this pregnancy (and little person) from Finn. I still suffer flashbacks and the blurring of time, it doesn't seem that long ago that I was this far along with Finn, or that I held him happily in my arms...

So I needed to know this time. By giving myself the time to register that we will have a new little boy, a different boy, getting used to saying his name, seeing his name, and making things using his name I feel like I can organize my feelings better. (Perhaps not my sentences..)

I feel more prepared to meet him. ...and hopefully not confuse him with his brother - who will always seem so close and so far away.

My latest addition to things I've made for Oliver is this crochet giraffe - with his name stitched on to the belly.

I know there are a few of us here struggling with identifying so strongly with our lost children that it confuses things with our special rainbows. Whether it's a bedroom or clothing or anything that once belonged to someone else - including our hearts.. This is just one way I've found to help heal and sort through the many emotions.

❤️

sgio7485 · December 2014

That is so adorable. You are very talented!

mrsjg2013 · December 2014

Thank you for sharing your feelings and your cute little creation. The giraffe is as precious as the little boy who will love him. While our loss stories are not similar, our feelings about knowing the sex most certainly are. I had always wanted to be Team Green, but felt like knowing the sex of this little one would help me bond in a special way. Big ((HUGS)) and best wishes for you as you approach the birth of little Oliver.

CreechMommy · December 2014

Aww sweet. That will be our boy name too if this LO is a boy. It's a great name hehe. I get what you mean ab not wanting to be team green. Ppl ask me if I will find out the gender and I always answer "yes! As soon as they can tell me I want to know". We didn't know with our last. We named it Kelly because it's a gender neutral name. We both had dreams after that it was a girl so we refer to our lost LO as she. But really we don't know. I think just knowing the gender will help us in this pregnancy. Only 8 more weeks till we know!

shandorfml2 · December 2014

I agree with you

love the giraff

Mom2anAngel2 · December 2014

I agree. I need to know everything, not only for peace of mind, but also to give the baby an identity. It helps me as well.

I love the giraffe!

lyndz333 · December 2014

Giraffe is adorable and you are talented! Hugs to you.

longcat07 · December 2014

i love amigurumi...that giraffe is adorable. and also, beautifully stated. i didn't have a lot of time with my loss, but it still rings true.

SpartyKim · December 2014

That makes perfect sense. And your giraffe is absolutely adorable!

Samuelismomma · December 2014

You are gifted! I'm amazed at your strength and love for both your babies. You are special woman to me....big hugs..

goldengirl84 · December 2014

I love hearing your reasons for finding out the sex. My reasons for being team green are a little flip flopped! We are still up in the air about opening the envelope on Christmas morning. We would both loved to be surprised in May though. We felt like we were kind of robbed of our birth experience with DS - I was put under and DH wasn't allowed in because it was a crash csection. I'm 98% sure I'll have a repeat csection so having a little something extra to look forward to in the OR seems extra special.

@petrichor10‌ your story gives me chills! I think those were perfect words!

Lalalady54 · December 2014

That is simply the most darling giraffe in the world

Edit: my smiley went crazy

dragonfly1809 · December 2014

@EurydiceNymph‌ The pattern came from an Etsy shop called KornflakeStew

It's really easy, using just a single crochet stitch throughout. I've made a dozen of these guys now for gifts.

@petrichor10‌ Your words make perfect sense.

I love hearing stories of how others have carried on .. XO

@goldengirl84‌ I commend your Team Green status. In so many ways I wish I could have done it again. I really do love the surprise in the delivery room. I'm glad I found out this time - but if we ever do this again I'll be Green again.

Thank you to all of you. All the kind words.. This is why I love this board. Big creepy group hug!!!

mingaling2 · December 2014

I totally understand. The giraffe is absolutely adorable!

luckyclover0922 · December 2014

Hugs to you!!! You are such a strong mother and I totally understand. And the giraffe is the cutest thing I have ever seen... Oliver is going to LOVE it

jjbmstinco · December 2014

adorable!! You are a strong woman!

heathersf11 · December 2014

I love the giraffe. My mom crochets. I may have to buy her this pattern.

Denise91980 · December 2014

You are so talented! That giraffe is adorable. I totally understand how you feel. I am having a difficult time with nailing down a name because I worry about getting myself attached and then something bad happening. Damn PGAL brain!

BackstreetPixie · December 2014

Love the giraffe.

we were always team green too but decided to find out this time but not tell anyone. I chose to do so because we lost our first too early to ever know and i will never know if that baby was a boy or a girl.

beemaya83 · December 2014

What a sweet giraffe. Your words made me get ready eyed. You are such a strong woman.

beemaya83 · December 2014

Teary**

CheesyPeas · December 2014

That giraffe is perfection. You're incredibly talented.

I'm new to this board, but have been a part of TB for several years (with a different screen name) and just realized who you are. We were on TTCAL at the same time in 2010. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss of Finn and happy to see you're expecting again. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness with little Oliver.

dragonfly1809 · December 2014

@CheesyPeas‌ ..Now I'm so curious as to who you are

Yes - I joined The Bump in 2010 after our first loss. (AmyRM) ...then was "babybemine" on the September 2013 board (forgot my log in for my previous account) ..
Changed again this time because I couldn't bring myself to log in and see all of Finn's progress..or change it.

I will always love and respect all my 2010 TTCAL ladies immensely. That was such a great group.
XO

CheesyPeas · December 2014

My screen name used to be lindsey8301. I had these two pics in my siggy if that helps.

I didn't realize you had the babybemine screen name but definitely remember you from the AmyRM days and celebrated when I saw Finn's BFP on the old ticker tracker site. I think maybe WickedSugar had said something a friend's loss after your loss of Finn that allowed me to put two and two together. Hopefully that doesn't seem too stalkerish but I have always remembered you and rooted for you. So I'm so very happy to see you are neaing the home stretch with your rainbow. Your little guy has a really special guardian angel to watch over him and keep him safe. I like to think of it that way at least. I really believe that my angel, Layla, who was born still in July is watching over this little squirt I just found out about and is playing the protective older sister from afar.

dragonfly1809 · December 2014

@CheesyPeas‌ Not stalkers at all! I do remember your screen name too!
Wicked has been awesome at staying in touch and being there for me - a truly thoughtful and caring person.

I'm so sorry to hear of your still birth with Layla..
There really are no words.

PgAL at any stage is difficult - and a different journey each time.

With Finn I felt that once he was born and in my arms I was home free. Infant loss was the last thing I thought about.
This time late loss and infant loss consume me. It's only grown harder and more emotion filled as we go.

I'm so happy for you - to have this chance. ..and I agree, our little angels are special guardians of our rainbows.

I'll be stalking you!! Wishing you the best and a healthy take home baby!!

Mel&John2013 · December 2014

I love this giraffe! You should start an etsy shop so I can buy things from you

I think this is such incredible advice, and I've thought so since you posted photos of Oliver's nursery. Since then DH and I have come up with an almost certain name for our new little man, and it's already helped so much. Now we can call him by name, and start calling the nursery his room. I can tell it's already helping me make the shift in how I think about this new baby vs. his big brother.

Thank you for sharing!!

dragonfly1809 · December 2014

Oh @Mel&John2013 I've thought of you often - and when I wrote this. I'm so happy you're finding ways to connect too. Congratulations on name your little guy!

I still have my moments of calling the nursery Finn's room, but when I sit in there now and see all of Oliver's things it really feels like Oliver's room - and my imagination starts to soar with ideas of a fun little boy growing up in the room.
There's a great deal of "I'll believe it when I see it" mixed in there..., but all these little things help.

I'm always thinking of you and wishing you and that little guy well.

Mel&John2013 · December 2014

Thank you @dragonfly1809!

Your story gave me the gumption to get going on the nursery, and to get baby Harrison's name up on the wall. And I agree, it helped! We didn't tell anyone Lincoln's name until after he was born, and didn't have anything personalized. Now I find myself looking for more things I can personalize for Harrison. Like the pillow idea I stole from you...it's already been ordered in the "anchors away" pattern

We still have a lot to do. The only things we've brought up from the basement are some paperwork and a box of lotions and other toiletries, no clothes yet. We wanted to start small. But we've started and I'm focusing on that.

Bigboneded · December 2014

I'm so glad you can process this way, and I love your giraffe! (((Hugs)))

chicagojackie · December 2014

Beautiful! You are very creative and talented.

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