A bit of advice needed, plus introduction

Mffrll · December 2014

Hello everyone. I am married and have an almost 5-year old step son. Me and the father have been together for 3 years and everything works well. Now I'm pregnant with my first child, and soon time has come to let people know as I'll be past the 12 week mark at Christmas.

Here is where it gets tricky. I have read up on the subject, and most experts recommend waiting until there is a visible bump so SS can grasp the concept; also, if I would get a miscarriage in week 13 or 14, then I think it would be too difficult for him to understand and for me to explain. I just want the pregnancy to be well established, and then sit him down and explain what's going on, take time for it and make sure he feels safe and secure and just overall make it a positive experience for all of us.

We want to tell my husbands side of the family when we have Christmas dinner there, when everybody is gathered. The next day we go abroad to visit my family, and we will tell them then. I asked my husband if maybe we could tell his parents and siblings, but not tell his son quite yet, and then tell his son and BM when we get back to the country in January. He wants to just tell everybody over dinner, where his son will also be, not making a special announcement to his son, and not talk to BM about it. Why, I don't know, they get along fine and she told us when she fell pregnant a couple of years ago.

I don't want to talk to her about it before I've had a chance to let my closest family know, but I think she should know before SS does so she can be prepared with a reaction when he tells her the news. I also don't think it's nice telling her over Christmas, because I understand it's a sensitive subject and I wouldn't want to ruin her holiday spirit. I think he should get a proper sit down and talk when it's just him, not over dinner, but if we do it before then it is just a bit too early for me as we don't see him all that often. Is this just silly of me? I don't really have a say as it's not my son and it's not my ex, but I just want to make this as positive as possible for everyone. Am I worrying over nothing? Should I try to talk to my husband again and make him see my side?

alb2411 · December 2014

I think your thoughts and instincts over this situation are completely valid and I would definitely encourage you to talk to your husband again.

Also, I would hardly say you don't have a say because this is not your son. You absolutely have a say because it is your body, pregnancy, marriage, and stepson. Whether he is your biological son or not doesn't matter because this is your life and news to tell just as much as it is your husband's.

As for whether you tell BM prior to telling your SS, I would not have an issue compromising there if my husband truly didn't want to tell her first. However, I definitely agree with you that your SS should be told completely separate from the rest of the family so that he fully understands, gets to ask questions, etc.

FinallyHappy84 · December 2014

I agree with @alb2411‌! However I would try to do your sit down with SS prior to telling BM because she might discuss with him before you get a chance and it's your news to tell. Congratulations!

Mffrll · December 2014

Thank you both so much for your replies. The reason I want BM to know at around the same time is that I want to give her some time to digest the news so that she doesn't get caught off guard the day before Christmas with her son telling her he's having a little brother or sister. I'm afraid she might react in a bad way. Not that she's a bad person, I can just imagine that it would not be easy news for her to hear due to their history. If she has a couple of days to get used to the thought then she can at least pretend like she's happy for him.

My thought was that while SS is at our house, DH can call her up and let her know the news, like she did with us, and then we can spend the weekend with SS letting him know and give him time to adjust and ask questions, and then on the Sunday evening when he goes back to his mother, they will both be good. But this would require the news telling to be made after the holidays.

What are your stances on when SS should be told? I've heard some people say that kids that age (4-5) can tell early on that something is different and that it's better to let them be in the know as soon as possible, but most people seem to think that it's better to wait until there is some sort of proof of a pregnancy (a bump) so that it's easier to grasp. As his mother has already gotten pregnant and he has a little brother he should be pretty understanding to the concept, but sometimes he's tricky to read (like his dad, lol), and I just want to do what's best for him.

dmndsr4eva · December 2014

I really think you are overthinking it. I think it is important to let him know at the same time or prior to other family members. Five is old enough to handle knowing a sibling is coming. I don't understand why you want to wait? Anything can happen at anytime and your SS will be able to handle it I'm sure.

If his mother already was pregnant or had another baby then he will definitely understand what is going on.

dmndsr4eva · December 2014

Also I agree that you should tell him before BM. It is your family and yours news to tell. I think that is great if you want to also let her know after so that she will know what is going on if SS mentions it to her.

alb2411 · December 2014

If he's nearly 5 and already has younger siblings, then I don't see a reason to wait until you are showing. I'm sure he will understand just fine based on what he has experienced in the past.

If BM can't suck it up enough to react decently when caught off guard, then that's really her problem and not yours. Yes, you want to protect your SS, but if she's going to react negatively, it's likely to happen no matter when/how she finds out. I think your thought process for telling both BM and SS is great, but don't beat yourself up or stress about it if it doesn't work out that way.

Wahoo · December 2014

I don't think you need to tell BM before you tell the family / SS. Your H can simply text her "We are expecting a baby in June - we told SS this evening at my family dinner."

Personally, I think SS should be told privately. He is more "special" than DH's parents and siblings, and more special than your family. He is part of YOUR family and will be the baby's older brother. I do not think you need to be showing at the time. 5 year olds know about babies because their friends have younger brothers and sisters. It MAY seem more "real" to him the more you show, but I would not worry about that.

It is YOUR pregnancy, so you definitely get a voice in who knows, and when, and under what circumstances!

cole2144 · December 2014

I would not tell your SS in front of the whole family. I agree with Wahoo, SS is immediate family and deserves to be told first and in private. While I am sure it will be fine, it is also not fair to to put him on the spot in front of everyone.

Mffrll · December 2014

Thank you everyone for your input. You're right, you know, I AM over thinking it. We can call it one of my cute quirks

I think the reason why I don't want to tell him so soon is the reason I don't want to tell anyone so soon, really. I haven't wrapped my head around this pregnancy yet, and I'm having trouble believing that I really am pregnant. We planned it, but I was told it would be difficult for me to conceive on my own, so we decided to try for a year and then seek help, but lo and behold it worked on the first try and I'm just baffled. I have a sonar next week, and I'm sure that will make me believe this a bit more, and that I can relax more after that. I'll talk to hubby and convince him to tell his son beforehand in private. Thanks again for all the replies, it helped be a lot!

HoolyGo · December 2014

My situation was similar to yours. SD was almost 5 and we had to travel overseas to see DH's family. I had experienced a previous loss, so I really wanted to wait to tell most people. We told DH's parents when we visited, but did not tell SD or anyone else other than my parents until 20 weeks, after our anatomy scan. When we told SD we waited until our weekend and DH texted BM staying that I was pregnant and that we'd be telling SD that weekend.

Amee12 · December 2014

Almost 5 is plenty old enough. We ended up telling SS a few weeks earlier than we had planned because BM snooped FB and saw our announcement and we were afraid she would tell him our news first and ruin it for us. You need to tell SS on his own; he needs to know he's important and a huge part of your family. Tell him first then have him announce to the family that he's going to be a big brother? Then he feels involved. IMO

JLHV1909 · December 2014

I totally understand the feelings you are having. That being said, do you want your memory of the first people to know about your baby being BM??? I have several people I'd much rather know about my new baby before my DH's exwife.

Last year on Christmas Eve, we made our announcement to SD10 (at the time) before family arrived so that she could process what was going to happen. She ended up crying about not being the only child anymore, and I think that would have been embarrassing for her to experience around the extended family. She was able to have a pep-talk from both me and her dad, and then she was able to get excited about seeing who could figure out what the extra stocking meant on the mantle.

CurlyQ284 · December 2014

My SDs were a little older so they "get it" a little more than a 5 year old but with any big news we sit them down and tell them while they are with us. DH calls BM that evening and tells her. She has time to process and if she is upset she has time to work it out before she gets SDs back.

We intended to tell them first and then our families but my dad went into the ICU 3 days after I got the BFP and was put on life support. Right before he went out I told him in case he died I would feel weird if he never knew. My mom and brother were in the room so that's how they found out. Dad is ok, he had a liver transplant and is fine but it caused a shift in all that.

twister22 · December 2014

I definitely think you should tell your SS first. He is DH's DS and your SS, and that baby will be his brother or sister.

I think it is horrible to put SS on the spot in front of family. What if he's angry? What if he has questions? Those should be processed between him and your DH and even you as well.

On the flip side, if you tell SS and he's very excited, maybe you can let him help make the announcement to DH"s family. (I.e. he could be wearing a "Big Brother" shirt and you wait for family to notice

.)

Mffrll · December 2014

Hey everyone, and thank you for the continued support! CurlyQ284, I'm happy to hear your dad is ok, that must have been a terrifying situation for you.

We will tell the in-laws this evening when we have christmas dinner (early so that everyone an join), including SS. Who hasn't been told. Sigh. This is going to be a catastrophe! DH has already driven him over to the in laws because he needed to work on his dads car, so now there is no way we can tell him before the entire family finds out. I have tried talking to him about letting SS be the one telling the news, and how important it is to let him know first but DH is just "nah, this way will be much better, telling everybody at the same time". Ugh. He means no harm but he is completely clueless. I feel so bad for SS, I can just hope and pray that he won't be upset.

Wahoo · December 2014

Wow! Sounds like your DH needs to cut the apron strings.

Mffrll · December 2014

Alright, the deed is done. In laws super happy, SS thought it was a picture of his little brother from his mother, but when explained what it really was he said "ok" and went on to play. I tried to talk to him one on one and explain that there was a little baby in my tummy and this summer he will get a little brother or little sister. "Isn't that exciting?" "Yeh" and then off he went to play with stuff. So no catastrophe. I still wish we could have done it special for SS, but he really didn't seem to care what so ever, so maybe that would have just failed. I hope he gets more excited as the bump grows, but at least he didn't get upset at all.

Wahoo · December 2014

I am glad everything worked out ok. It might not have been the reaction you wanted, but it could have been a lot worse.

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