12 year old dating?

Re: 12 year old dating?

• WLJ2 member

  December 2014

  Have you asked him what dating means to him? A coworkers daughter is about the same age and we were talking about this a few months ago. Dating to her daughter pretty much meant being friends who liked each other and hung out more than other friends. You could always try to talk to the other perents if your nervous about the situation.

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• hopanka member

  December 2014 edited December 2014

  I think you are throwing around a lot of assumptions here. How do you know the girl is beyond her years and that her parents don't care? Or that you SS's mom is not raising him properly? He obviously confides in her more than in you and your H, so she must be doing something right. You even acknowledge that she does not support true dating until 16, just like you, so what's your beef? And just because she okayed that the kids can exchange bracelets does not mean she is telling them they can have sex. I'm not sure you are taking the right approach here. Just telling an almost teen that there is no dating till 16, end of story, is not realistic. It looks like his mom is communicating with him about it, and so should you and H. It is not realistic to think that boys and girls are not developing romantic feelings about each other at this age. I certainly remember when I was 12, and exchanging little bracelets as well as acknowledging mutual interest was absolutely normal, even calling someone their boyfriend was common. Yes, you can and definitely should set boundaries, but freaking out about it and throwing assumptions around is not going to help you.

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• ldmessing member

  December 2014

  You seriously need to lighten up

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• bttrflyprnc7 member

  December 2014

  I guess I didn't explain the situation clearly enough. So I will end it here, because u don't know the whole story of what we r going through his mother is not a mature adult at all and we have taken care of it all. We did talk to him and I never seem to get good advice on these boards I am done using this for advice

  

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• twister22 member

  December 2014

  bttrflyprnc7 said:

  I guess I didn't explain the situation clearly enough. So I will end it here, because u don't know the whole story of what we r going through his mother is not a mature adult at all and we have taken care of it all. We did talk to him and I never seem to get good advice on these boards I am done using this for advice

  lol

  
  

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• CurlyQ284 member

  December 2014

  There are child safety software programs you can install on his laptop. We got my SDs net books a few years back and DH loaded them up. It blocks a ton of sites, every week he gets an email with a list of all the websites accessed and he gets an alert if they try to access a blocked website (this hasn't happened yet but it's a feature). I'm sure if you go to download dot Com you can search for parental safety programs and it'll give you some.
  
  Second, if you forbid dating and he gets a girlfriend then obviously he's going to confide more in the parent that allows it.
  
  It sounds like you and your H are taking and hard line and the end result is that the child will be less likely to confide in you. You can't have it both ways. A child isn't going to tell you things just so he can get lectured or forbidden to do things. You can change your approach, be a little more open and he will be more likely to tell you things. Or if you want to keep the hard line approach then this is an unintended consequence.
  
  Have you met the girl in question? Maybe meet her first, watch them interact and go from there.

  
  

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• Ilumine member

  December 2014

  Look, I am a custodial stepmother of a now 19 yo boy.  And I just went through all of this.  I think you need to have an open and honest conversation with your SS, because you are going to relieved when you realize what "dating/going out" means to the middle school sect these days. 

  
  

  Here's the thing, unless you plan on keeping him locked in his room until he turns 16, this whole "you cannot date until you are 16 so you don't have sex" thing isn't going to work.  He doesn't have to go on an official date to find a way to "hook up" (interestingly enough, this phrase still means having sex).  

  
  

  The way to ensure your child doesn't do something stupid is to have an open, honest, reasonable and understanding relationship that ends with some trust.  

  
  

  My SS wasn't allowed to "date" (in the sense that he would take or meet up with a girl outside of the house/school and participate in an activity alone) until he was 16 either.  But for us, it wasn't about controlling him, but wanting him to be a bit more mature.  

  
  

  That doesn't mean that we got all apeshit when he "dated" (in current teen speak, that means you are in a relationship with a schoolmate that you spend your 5 mins before homeroom, maybe lunch and walking to the bus after school with AND chatting online with) during middle and high school.  

  
  

  A) we knew that we really couldn't control what he did at school.  So why not use that knowledge and let him think we supported him.  Devious, you betcha.  But by offering up that little bit of trust, he was more open to US discussing the harder topics of SEX and grown up relationships.  

  
  

  We had open and honest and sometimes graphic conversations of sex, drugs and rock n' roll.  While we didnt pull our a porn movie or discuss our own personal sex lives, we did answer any questions asked.  AND we showed him what could happen.  Pictures of a herpes outbreak or what a crack or meth head look like do have lasting results.  

  
  

  Part of your problem is being so focused on your assumptions of what you THINK might be going on (seriously, you don't know this girl and you think she is some 12 year old slut/hussy?) that you are going to ruin this opportunity to help your SS grow.  

  file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg

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• twister22 member

  December 2014

  bttrflyprnc7 said:

  i have a 12 year old stepson and he just started being interested in girls more so now. last week he said a girl told him another girl liked him, then this tuesday he gets a note from another girl saying she likes him does he like her. and he told me when i picked him up that he didn't know what to say. i thought he should just not say anything and there should just be boys and girls that he will be friends with and nothing more with girls. saying yes would only make her think he is wanting to date as a couple(i have heard of many kids dating at this age and things will progress to bigger things. not what we want. so my husband told him if he likes her and could say yes but totally just keep it friendly you are not allowed to date until you are 16. so to keep the long story short. his mother is ok with it and the girl gave him a braclet on wednesday so without clearing it with his dad she bought a braclet from him to give the girl today. we also are finding out my stepson is telling his mother more about the things that are going on at school with the girl and not his father and i. last night was what concerned us a great deal. they have laptops for each student which we are not happy with, especially being his mother has not cares in the world about all her children. she doesn't care what they do on tv, computers, video games and phones. so he can do what he wants and she doesnt' watch for what he is doing. so there is a big concern for us already with how he is being raised. she had said no dating till 16 until now, so to get back yesterday i pick him up and he says he has been chating with her on the computer in a special chat room. his mother told his father about it to so we asked him about it and wanted to see the chat room. we felt like what is really going on, so i watch while he did his homework and of course she gets on and starts trying to chat with him but i was just sitting there and not saying anything. she puts hi boyfriend, and are we going to the dance tomorrow together, and later on she starts saying how she had to go and i love you. what is your address . i feel like this girl is way beyond her years and prbably has parents who don't care either, and i don't need him getting her pregant. my husband exwife is ok with all of this. she now says she dated a boy at this age. but hello kids are way different now. sex is tottally out there. and she should discuss how the father feels and figure something out. i can see her allowing him to spend time together at his house and not watching them and things will happen. this girl doesn't seem to shy..what should we do and what can we do? we have him tuesday/thursday 2-8 and every other weekend. and this weekend is ours. i want to take the laptop and say somthing to her and ask to talk to a parent. since my husband exwife won't talk to the parents. and tell them what she is saying and that the father is not allowing him to date and they need to be just friends.i am so sorry this is long and might be confusing. there is alot more i know about the two of them. and the other thing we are finding out he is keeping things that happened at s chool from us and telling his mother. 

  
  

  
  

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• +just+j+ member

  December 2014

  Okay, first of all, whether or not we know the full story, we can tell a lot by what you have just said. And if we don't know the whole story and you are leaving out critical information for us to make a fair assessment...then TELL us. That's how a board like this works. The issue here is you no your husband are trying to control a pubescent boy whose hormones are raging. He is going to like girls, have crushes, and fall in and out of love a hundred times and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Nothing. What you CAN do is raise a responsible, respectable boy who treats girls right. You can teach him about sex. Has your husband had the sex talk?? If not, he needs to have it immediately. Teach him values, responsibility, and let him know that if he can't take care of a child, he needs to wait to have sex. Maybe he also needs to talk about what girls are bad news and which ones are best to date. You know...the talk that all parents have or should have with their kudos. It's part of life. It's the responsibility of the parent to raise the child you want him to be. The reason he has stopped talking to you both is because you are talking AT him, not WITH him. His mother however IS. He trusts her to confide in her. And whether you agree with her parenting or not, she is his confidant and therefore influencing him more. So unless you want to alienate him and push him in the exact opposite direction you want him to go in, I suggest you lighten up, start having healthy, non judgemental conversations with him. regain his trust and regain your influence in helping make smart, respectable decisions.

  "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval

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