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Attachment Parenting
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Unique situation, curious what attachment parenting folks thing about this. Grandmother is obese...
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I'm going to be a father in April. Mom and I are not together, but we are making the best of the situation and trying to build the most stable relationships possible for co-parenting. So far, so good.
My mother is in her mid-60s and her health is in a self-inflicted decline. She's gained a ton of weight, needs a hip replacement that she refuses to get, its likely diabetic / pre diabetic and is an over all mess. She's in denial about all of these things and doesn't seem motivated to get them fixed. There are underlying psychological issues here (she put on a lot of weight after my brother and I moved away from our home town). As her son, I find her behavior embarrassing. Why does she not care enough about her self to fix these problems?
She's the type of person that loves to tell people how to fix their problems and handle their business without dealing with her own. But she's very sensitive. My instincts tell me (and own embarrassment & frustration) is that she's not in good shape to spend any significant amount of time with a newborn. The bits about attachment theory and the emotional state of a child's caregiving resonate with me; I realized a lot of my adult anxiety was related to the fact that my parents were always depressed and tired as I was growing up.
So, my explicit question. Does her health matter for interactions with my child? Or is my reaction to her lack of health (again, embarrassment & frustration when she's around) the only thing that could make my child feel anxious or insecure?
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Re: Unique situation, curious what attachment parenting folks thing about this. Grandmother is obese...
I agree with PP. Your child's relationship with your parents will be different than yours. My parents are involved in our kids' lives in a positive way I never expected, but it evolved. We did lots of time together either in the same room or "mother's helper" style with them hanging out with baby and me on-site but in another room, doing chores, etc. That helped us build trust and now my kids spend time weekly with one set of grandparents. I think the shocker for me the first year was my strong feelings: seeing how wonderfully they interacted with my kids in comparison to how I was parented was emotional. But, I chose to celebrate it. Just as we grow tremendously through the journey of parenting, so do our parents. Parents grow up, too--even when we are adults. As a fan of attachment parenting and theory, you'll soon learn that this style of parenting is very much about parenting yourself--increasing your own emotional health and empathy for others-- which can heal some of those old wounds. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves might be a good read for you. As you know, there's no promise on how things will go, but I say to give it a fair shot with her.
More Green For Less Green
We have asked DH's parents to watch DD three times while we have gone out and this has been in the last six weeks. DH's dad is baisically an invalid (self inflicted like your mom, poor diet and exercise- he baisically lives on the couch mostly by choice/denial) and DH's mom has to watch DD and care for FIL and all the household and go to work full time. But she is glad to watch her granddaughter and spend time with her so she is happy to oblige when we have asked. Our dietary philosophies conflict and this was a concern in DD's first year and a half but now we are fine if she gets some "filler" food at the grandparents in the two or so hours she visits every once in a few weeks now that she is a toddler and her digestive tract has developed. DH suffered some emotional distress bc of his parents attitudes and lifestyle but a few hours here and there may help our DD to understand my DH better and not get messed up herself by anything she experiences at her grandparents bc though they may be a little weird the kind of time they are/will be spending with her is not going to harm DD.
In each case we made a differerent descision bc the level of interaction vs the level of stability of the sets of grandparents became the equation. My parents cannot be trusted to be emotionally capable of watching DD for five minutes though they are technically physically capable. FIL is emotionally and physically crippled but he never does anything without MIL who picks up his slack (not a healthy situation 24/7 but can work alright for two-three hours).
You just have to take each person and each situation as it comes though and decide from there. But maybe you'll feel more comfortable as your DC grows older or maybe not at all? I go with my gut personally.
I can relate to your post a lot, OP. My mom is 59 and is severly overweight. She does not even try to take care of herself and has a lot of health issues. She recently kept some serious health problems a secret for over 2 years until she finally was taken to the ER and we learned about them. She is now recovering from surgery to correct those problems and will be on bed rest for the next 8 weeks.
My mom's health very much affects how she can interact with my son. She cannot physically get down on the floor with him, nor is she capable of catching up with him if he runs away. Her health issues slow her down in a number of ways that prevents her from being able to care for our son. He is 2, and she has never baby sat him or even changed his diaper, and she never will.
My MIL, on the other hand, is very active and healthy. She and FIL watch DS regularly, and she has cared for him overnight. Because she takes care of herself, she is able to take care of DS.
I don't feel embarassment for my mom so much as I am extremely frustrated and resentful about how poorly she takes care for herself. I know she has battled with depression for a long time, and sometimes I just think she is waiting for the sweet release of death. (DH always looks at me with horror when I say that, but I'm serious...I really think that's how she feels).
My hope is that DS will not pick up on any of this. Honestly, my mom is probably not long for this world, so he could possibly still be too young to even notice how her health and weight limit her. And that makes me feel entirely new feelings of anger and resentment towards her. Sigh.
I'm sorry, OP. I'm terrible for advice for this, but you certainly have my empathy.
ETA: Whoa. I totally used this post to project a whole lot of my own issues as a response, and only remembered at the last minute I was responding to OP. Sorry about that, guys. I'm going through some stuff with my mom right now. I won't DD this in case someone finds something helpful in my rambling. But...yikes.
My perspective is that of the grandchild. My grandmother was obese and mostly sat in her giant arm chair reading romance novels and snacking, or shopping. She was not able to physically play with me growing up. During my childhood before middle school even she had to have both knees replaced and by my freshman year of high school developed dementia. My family lived with her to help out with her mobility issues and ultimately cared for her until she had to be placed in a nursing home. She passed away 16 years ago, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her, think of her and wish that she could have met my sons. Her health was not good and she took horrible care of herself, but she took amazing care of my sister and I for our mom when she returned to work. I didn't realize just how bad my grandmother's health was until I was an adult taking medical assisting in college. As a child I didn't care that my grandmother was fat, I didn't notice the mass amounts of hard candy she consumed or though twice about the fact that all our interactions happened typically with her sitting in a chair, or that she needed a cane. She loved me and my sister and I never once questioned that love and that was all that mattered. Follow you're gut, especially if you're concerned about safety, but if it's just the fact that it annoys you, try to take a step back. Grandparents have so much to offer and teach. I learned so many valuable lessons from my grandmother's stories, lessons I wouldn't have listened to from my parents because let's face it parents know nothing according to kid, but grandparents can be magical. Just my experience though.