Weekly Adoption Discussion (or WAD for short)

mshandlebar · December 2014

Ok, so this is definitely a working title.

My motivation for starting this (hopefully regular) thread is somewhat selfish. MH and I recently started working toward adoption, and I would like to harness the amazing supportive powers of 3T to this end. It seems like there are a lot of us who are either actively pursuing adoption or at least starting to think of it. I know there is a whole other board devoted entirely to adoption here at TB, but 3T is home.

Hopefully this will be a place that we can talk about where we are in the process, address questions and concerns, and deal with the emotional repercussions of what adoption means in our IF journey.

So gals, lets hear it, shoot your adoption WAD (hehehe, that phrase is the only reason I went with the WAD acronym.) What are your thoughts when it comes to adoption? Have you started thinking about it? If you are looking into it, what stage are you at? What kind of adoption are you thinking about? Will you continue to TTC while going through the process or are you looking at it as an alternative?

QOTW: This is less of a question and more of a blatant exploitation of your creative powers. What is the best acronym you can come up with for this thread? Also, what is your favorite acronym in general?

moto611 · December 2014

Thanks for starting this thread!

I've starting thinking about adoption. Mostly because I just can't picture my life without children. I know once I had a baby in my arms I would love him/her even if they didn't have my DNA. But... experiencing pregnancy and having a baby that's half me and half my husband seems like this magic miracle and I'm sad to miss out. So I worry that maybe that means I'm not emotionally ready for adoption?

My husband and I are researching local adoption agencies and I hope to at least meet with one soon. I know adoption is a long process and I'd like to at least get started, even if we're going to continue TTC. I'm worried about 1) how long it takes and 2) how much it costs and 3) the biological parents coming to take the baby back. Hopefully meeting with an agency will answer some of those questions.

We're also considering embryo adoption. I have mixed feelings about it... I like it because I could still experience pregnancy! No one could try to take the baby away because I would be the birth mother! But I'd really have to truly be done TTC, because obviously if we went that route, my body would be busy with the adopted embryo so we would not be able to keep trying on our own. If the transfer was successful, that is, which we all know is not guaranteed.

That's where I'm at! I'd love to hear about others!

theholmanherd · December 2014

I love WAD. It makes me laugh and laughter is important when dealing with all this. I may not be actively pursuing adoption right now, but I love that this is a check in. Good luck to all of you!

BunnyBerry · December 2014

Oh my goodness, your original thread is so hilarious that I believe it just moved us a couple steps closer to being ready for adoption!!

Our current situation is basically this:

I would absolutely love to adopt if the IVF package doesn't work, and/or for future children.

I am not ready to consider children with special needs and/or older children.

DH is not ready to consider children outside our race(s).

I can't imagine how we could possibly afford adoption on those terms, at least for many, many years, and I can't imagine how we could afford to build a multi-child family.

I love the thought of embryo adoption and it is way up there on our list, but I'm afraid DH's current race requirement will make that tough (mixed Chinese/Caucasion with dark hair and eyes?), plus it would take a long time of saving up beyond IVF, plus I think it might be years before we are financially stable enough for a donor to choose us (DH is still in school).

QOTW: WAD is funny but also kind of gross.

(<-- Another instance in which the old toothy smiley did the trick way better.)

All I've got at 6am is MAMA - More And More Adoption-ready

mshandlebar · December 2014

Yay! I was a little paranoid this would be a zero post thread. Getting started on adoption is really overwhelming. It is hard to know where to start, and I am glad there are other people out there to share with.

Long before we got married and before we knew that MH couldn't have bio kids, we had "the talk". I wanted to carry a child, and he wanted to adopt. So, back then we decided that we would go through pregnancy first (ha!) and then adopt a second. For us, adoption has always been part of the plan, which I think really helped me get comfortable with the idea of actually working on an adoption without feeling like I was giving up on my dream.

When we found out that we would have to take a cycle off last month, I was pretty crushed. I knew it would kill me to sit around feeling like I was doing nothing, so I decided we should take adoption off the back burner and move forward with it. The real push was that one of our friends got licensed in the Foster to Adopt program, and the secret evil part of me was like "Hell no, you aren't getting a baby before me." So far we've met with a case worker (who is fantastic), signed up for our first Foster to Adopt training and CPR classes, and started the background check (turns out we aren't felons in Indiana, still waiting to hear back from New York though, fingers crossed).

We are going to keep on trying before, during, and after the adoption stuff. If my some miracle we end up getting placed with a baby and pregnant at the same time, I am going to do a big ole happy dance (but I guess I'll probably be to exhausted to dance, but I will be happy!).

@moto611 - I had and have all of those same concerns and fears. I was not ready to even think about trying to adopt any time soon until about a month ago. I completely understand not wanting to give up on that magic little miracle, and I am definitely not at the place where I am ready to give up on it yet either. I hope looking into the process helps and maybe gives you some hope. My biggest fear is still that we will finally get placed with a child and then they get taken away, especially with a foster to adopt situation. Right now though it just seems like a risk that I have to take since our bodies have decided not to cooperate.

@theholmanherd - glad I made you smile! Even if you aren't actively pursuing adoption right now, it is good to have you here

@LLM100811 - this is going to sound silly, but try reading Adoption For Dummies if you want more info. MH and I read it together about a month ago. It is a good resource on the options available. There are lots of other books out there, but this one is a good reference book.

@BunnyBerry - money was one of the big things keeping us away from adoption (IF is expensive enough), but turns out doing Foster to Adopt is pretty much free. We also aren't considering special needs or children over 2, and our case worker didn't think that would be impossible (she said a year wait at the most). The race restriction might be more difficult depending on where you live. I would imagine it would be easier with a private adoption, but that is where it gets expensive.

dancerspose · December 2014

Great thread! I am in a similar place to some of the other posters. Before dealing with all this IF stuff, when we would speak of children in a theoretical sense, DH and I always talked about having at least one biological child then fostering/adopting. We're a mixed race couple (DH is African American/Puerto Rican and I'm caucasian) so I always thought that would open us up as a home kids from different backgrounds would feel comfortable in. Now that we're facing these challenges, I don't think I'm ready to think about it right now. Like @moto611 I can't imagine not having a little piece of DH and I in this world. But, then mentally yell at myself for being selfish when there are many kids that need homes...

Basically, I'm all over the place. To be honest, DH and I haven't talked about together since we started the testing and all, but it's looking like that's a conversation we'll have to have again.

BunnyBerry · December 2014

This is so enlightening! I am so glad to hear everyone's thoughts.

I really feel that just hearing everyone's ideas on it is helping to soften my heart to be more open to the child(ren) that may be in our future.

I have always dreamed of home schooling, and a little voice in the back of mind keeps reminding me that would be the perfect situation for a child with special needs, and that including a child with special needs into our family might make a lot of sense for us. I think it's mostly my mother's voice that is holding me back from that - she vehemently expresses how she could never have the patience to deal with a "slow" child, and even made it clear that she would hate to have a grandchild who is not as "bright" as her own kids. It's got me scared off, but it's an area where I think God may be working on my heart.

@mshandlebar I didn't realize that foster to adopt with children under 2 was possible and not so expensive. I imagine by the time we were financially ready to qualify, DH would be more open about race. Basically at this point, he is not ready for his (Chinese) parents to know if we have a child that is not ours biologically. But if it came down to it, I'm sure even his parents would be thrilled for a grandchild no matter through what means! (He's an only.)

redandblue · December 2014

Yay @mshandlebar‌ for this thread! Sorry I'm late to the party! It's been a Cray-cray week! As many have probably seen, we have just recently started the adoption process. Have submitted the application, have a package of paperwork needing to be completed and waiting for training. We are excited to get this going! I won't lie I am nervous about it all, but happy to be moving forward. We are going through the process with our local CAS and they don't want people not fully invested, so I feel a little guilty about knowing that we are not fully done trying. I don't think. How does one know for sure when they are done? Anyways in Ontario they are saying the process of approval will probably take about a year. And then we wait for a match. DH and I are pretty open still about the age etc., but are leaning towards a foster to adopt (they explained that our child can be placed with us sooner). We had our first get to know you visit and my heart melted when the SW kept referring to 'our child' etc. made it real. We are open to all races (DS is of a mixed race) so we have been told that we could be considered for a child of mixed race as well as Caucasian. I am excited for this thread and looking forward to supporting each other through this process!

redandblue · December 2014

******************************trigger LO mentioned****************************************** @firstarabesque‌ I totally understand that lurking feeling of knowing that there would be struggles trying to conceive . I had that feeling for a long time and it's so bizarre considering I was able to conceive once when I was 22. No one seemed to understand that feeling. When I got engaged to DH I immediately went to the dr asking what I need to do to prepare to TTC because I thougt we might have trouble. I also started actively going to a naturopath and accupuncturist in order to increase our chances. Everyone said that we would be fine, that we were not too old, etc. it is even frustrating that our diagnosis is unexplained, but I knew. It's weird.

BunnyBerry · December 2014

@redandblue That is amazing! Good luck with the approval process, it sounds very involved. Hopefully you get a foster placement soon.

I bet many couples never give up on the chance for a bio child whether they are adopted or have adopted. It doesn't mean you are not committed to adopting a child as well.

@firstarabesque I know that feeling! Who knows, maybe some of us will get to start our families with bio success and complete our families with adoption success, or vice versa?

Tiko99 · December 2014

If we are not pregnant by July 2015 we will be looking into adoption, so I'm thrilled you started this post. I've looked into adopting from different countries (Colombia, Peru, South Africa), but have not researched anything locally.

I will mentioned that my brother and I are adopted (closed adoption so I have no idea who my birth parents are) so if anyone has any questions they wished they could ask someone who is adopted ask away, I'm an open book when it comes to my adopted background.

BunnyBerry · December 2014

@alaskadee23 Wow, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with in the middle of a move! Just wanted to say, I think it makes sense that you are stalling on the home study and the materials all about you...it must be a lot of pressure to make sure you make a good impression on everyone so they see you as wonderful potential parents! Saying a prayer for you to easily put together the "first impression" that you need!

mshandlebar · December 2014

It has been a crazy week on my end too @redandblue, but it is Friday and my morning treat is to sit and catch up on some WAD action

We just found out last night that one of our friend's friends got placed with a newborn only a month after getting licensed in foster to adopt. This is so encouraging to us, and MH was especially ecstatic. Buuuut, I couldn't help but think that maybe they got the very last baby

This is ridiculous, but one of my worries with adoption is that it makes me feel more in competition with other people on the waiting list.

@murrt - I have those worries too, but MH absolute willingness to accept and love either a donor child or an adopted one had really made me rethink my doubts. Good luck with the IVF! I really hope it works out for you.

@tarabesque - Lurkers welcome!

@AlaskaDee23 - What kind of adoption are you doing and when did you start the process? Good luck with the move!

@Tiko99 - Thank you for being so open. I will probably have tons of questions for you as we move along in the process! I would consider international adoption if we weren't committed to foster to adopt (and if it weren't so gosh darn expensive).

BunnyBerry said:

@firstarabesque I know that feeling! Who knows, maybe some of us will get to start our families with bio success and complete our families with adoption success, or vice versa?

I love this! Bunny, sometimes you put things in the most amazingly articulate way.

BunnyBerry · December 2014

@mshandlebar Wow, after reading about adoption all week, it seems incredible to get a foster infant so quickly! But I guess it's nice to know it's possible. I hope your wait is short, too.

redandblue · December 2014

@packerfan4life we absolutely would love to have you join this thread! I think it is helpful for us all to have people who understand the process involved for adoption, but also understand the difficult journey of IF. I look forward to us all learning and growing together through this thread!

theholmanherd · December 2014

So DH and I are moving forward with adoption after all. We are signed up to begin the process to become foster parents. We are going to foster to adopt.

RN1175 · December 2014

MH and I also have started the process to become foster parents. I have the first bunch of paperwork filled out and we will go get fingerprinted on Mon! I am very excited and I am looking forward to giving something back, or so to speak. I feel that if I can give a child or children a safe place to be and make them feel safe and loved I will do what I can to make that happen.

I am worried about the emotional part of it as I am an emotional person and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I will have to be the strong one though when there are kids involved who don't know how to be.

Thank you for starting this thread. I love the name!!!

mshandlebar · December 2014

@packerfan4life - happy to have you! It is really nice to have someone who has gone through the process around!

@theholmanherd - that is great news!! I am really happy for you both. I am not sure how much the process differs from state to state, so what was your first step? Did you have to sign up for training yet?

@RN1175 - congrats on getting the first batch of paperwork filled out! MH was very disappointed when we went in to get fingerprinted and it was all electronic. I think he wanted to feel bad ass with ink on his fingers. Good luck! I look forward to hearing more about your journey

theholmanherd · December 2014

@mshandlebar‌, first step is moving. We need a bigger place and to buy a crib and twin bed. Then, we move on to the home study. Then classes, including CPR, first aid, and foster certification.

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