Community› The Bump Message Boards› Blended Families
Blended Families
New Discussion

Blended-blended family & race issues ?

HoolyGoHoolyGo member
in Blended Families
Some background: I am a black American, DH is a white European immigrant and BM is a white American. SD (5) is white, DS (1) has brown skin.

The topic of race and skin color has started coming up for SD, and it's been my policy to just answer honestly. Recently, SD started calling DS "boy", as in "come here boy" in an affectionate manner. I told her not to call him that and she asked why. I explained that in the past, some people with white skin like hers, called people with brown skin like DS, "boy" to be mean. This opened up a whole topic of what DS real skin color was (she explained that he was actually tan) and that she wasn't trying to be mean. She seemed to take my simple explanation well, but it got me thinking about my role in this whole thing as I imagine these topics will come up more and more.

Ideally, I'd think her parents would discuss these things with her, but DH lacks the cultural context to address many of these topics and so it falls to me when SD is at our house. Does anyone have any experience with this? Obviously, when something like the "boy" thing comes up, I have to address it. Should I just leave it at only addressing things if forced to?

someecards.com - North Carolina: Where you can marry your cousin. Just not your gay cousin.
Report Reply to Post

Re: Blended-blended family & race issues ?

  • YenisbabytwoYenisbabytwo member
    I say talk to your DH and he better take you seriously. He needs to talk to his D. Where did she learn 'boy' from. BM are always haters, the vast majority. So yes its rude to call people that and it needs to be addressed by the both of you.
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • CurlyQ284CurlyQ284 member
    @Yenisbabytwo‌ you are such a weirdo. Your answer to everything seems to be "it's not your problem" and "BMs are jealous haters". What's your deal? From the little I've seen it seems like you're a stepmom that has basically nothing to do wwith their stepchild? It really sounds like being in a blended family is not a good fit for you.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • CurlyQ284CurlyQ284 member
    Also @HoolyGo‌, if the kids ask me something heavy, I answer. Early on I was insecure and worried about if BM and DH would approve of my answers or whatever. DH knows who he married and he knows what I stand for.

    Additionally, I've found that SDs come to me with that sort of thing more than they do with DH or BM. They feel more comfortable because I'm not a "parent parent" if that makes sense. I don't think they run back to their parents and tell them what I said because they are uncomfortable asking them on some level in the first place.

    If you don't feel comfortable then I would defer to DH to answer. If you fefeel comfortable answering then I don't see anything wrong with that.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • KTdiditKTdidit member
    Yenisbabytwo said:
    I say talk to your DH and he better take you seriously. He needs to talk to his D. Where did she learn 'boy' from. BM are always haters, the vast majority. So yes its rude to call people that and it needs to be addressed by the both of you.

    What does that have to do with the fact the her SD called her DS "boy"?

    Kids that age don't know that calling a male child "boy" could possible be offensive. @HoolyGo I think you do need to discuss with your DH the way to handle these teaching opportunities: what to say, who will talk to her (you/him/together). Make sure he realizes that it is important to you and that you and he are on the same page so that if BM ever has questions/concerns your DH can handle it

    BabyFetus Ticker


    image
    Report Reply
  • CurlyQ284CurlyQ284 member
    Also very important. Where in Europe is your DH from and does he have an accent? Lol
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    Woah. YennisBabyTwo - where the hell are you getting tgat all BMs ste haters and DH needs to tske you seriously from. Calm the F down. Lets not make this a bigger issue than it is.

    And you are flat out WRONG that all BMs are crazy and haters. Or are you speaking from your own personal experience?


    Hoolygo - I think you handled this appropriately and it sounds like it was received well. I say bring it up to your H but I do not think you need to address it with BM. All children of all races in all types of families are going to go thru all these kinds of conversations. Just have them in a healthy way. If you see a trend toward derogatory comments or concerning prejudice behavior, then yes, DH should speak to BM and uou all can have a healthy conversation around whats inappropriate and PC.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
    Report Reply
  • HoolyGoHoolyGo member
    @twister22‌

    Not sure where you got the impression that I though SD was doing something intentionally wrong. I am well aware that it is completely harmless. I am also well aware that no matter how harmless it may be, a little white girl telling a little black boy to "come here boy" is not going to go over well in a group of black people. And therefore, it needs to be addressed (if only to save SD from getting into an ugly confrontation with someone outside our family.)

    My question was really about dealing with these things in general as they come up (and they have been coming up in our household more and more lately - I am happy to provide other examples of needed). I imagine that it's similar to wondering how step-parents have dealt with other topics that could be controversial like sex, religion, etc.
    someecards.com - North Carolina: Where you can marry your cousin. Just not your gay cousin.
    Report Reply
  • HoolyGoHoolyGo member
    GotGingy said:

    I like the random disclaimers.  "Huge chunk."  "Vast majority."  


    Makes you sound suuuuper smart.  Not that I didn't get that from the rude cliches you're spewing. 
    I don't understand this answer.

    someecards.com - North Carolina: Where you can marry your cousin. Just not your gay cousin.
    Report Reply
  • twister22twister22 member
    HoolyGo said:
    @twister22‌ Not sure where you got the impression that I though SD was doing something intentionally wrong. I am well aware that it is completely harmless. I am also well aware that no matter how harmless it may be, a little white girl telling a little black boy to "come here boy" is not going to go over well in a group of black people. And therefore, it needs to be addressed (if only to save SD from getting into an ugly confrontation with someone outside our family.) My question was really about dealing with these things in general as they come up (and they have been coming up in our household more and more lately - I am happy to provide other examples of needed). I imagine that it's similar to wondering how step-parents have dealt with other topics that could be controversial like sex, religion, etc.
    Sorry I was responding to Yenisbabytwo. I think you handled the situation perfectly. I would talk to your DH and make him aware of the conversation you and SD had. I think it is fine for you to have those conversations with SD, as, like you said, "DH lacks the cultural context to address many of these topics."
    image
    Report Reply
  • acbarbouracbarbour member
    edited December 2014
    I think the other posters have summed it up well your response was acceptable.  I was just adding kudos for noticing the possible implications of that.   I haven't and have called DS "the boy" or just addressed him as "Boy" for years and never thought of the connotations of it or been bothered when another family member referred to him as such.  I learned something today.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"