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How to deal with an envious/competitive mother in law... Ideas?

hilarycarr1985hilarycarr1985 member
in July 2015 Moms

My husband and I have been together for a little over 6 years. We dated for 5 1/2 and been married almost 9 months. I have always had a great relationship with his mother. However, it seemed like something snapped after our wedding. She has new views and thoughts about our everyday actions. So since we have told my parents and his parents the news that we are expecting random comments have been made from my mother in law. She called me mother to tell her how excited she was that I was pregnant. She then asked my mother what she was getting my husband and I for Christmas. She told them a swing for the baby. Which happened to be a swing I personally picked out with my mother. I figured we could get some big items out of the way early since my husband and I didn't really need or want anything. Immediately my mother in law said "why? She should be more worried about getting maternity clothes and buying clothes in general that fit better." Needless to say my mom changed the subject. Just so we are all on the same page I am a plus sized women who only wears jeans and shirts that are three quarter sleeves. I cover myself up and generally wear clothes a bit looser to be comfortable. Also the second we told my in laws we were pregnant my father in law started making a crib for us. I was also told by my doctor that for my weight I only need to gain 11 to 20 pounds. I am also eating extremely healthy and not eating empty calories. I had a previous conversation with my mother in law about this and all she could say is that she gained 50 pounds while pregnant and not to be surprised if I do too. I know this sounds like ranting but there have been other warning signs that this is just the beginning. An example would be when I was showing everyone my wedding ring/engagement ring at my wedding I made the comment how much my ring sparkled and her only comment was well mine does that too. So really I'm look for suggestions if I should disregard what she says and just pretend these things are being said or if I should take it to another level. She doesn't talk to her siblings due to sibling rivalry so I am worried a conversation with her will make things way worse. I want this pregnancy to go smoothly without the extra stress. Not to mention next week we are having Christmas at our house with my parents and in laws. So yeah, any ideas?

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Re: How to deal with an envious/competitive mother in law... Ideas?

  • yelah250yelah250 member
    Disregard and just try to keep things smooth. Some people have very little self awareness and don't understand how they come across. If this is a relationship you want to preserve, take what she says with a grain of salt.
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  • law&orderlaw&order member
    It sounds like she wants/needs attention. I'd just ignore the attention-seeking comments and behavior (like "my ring sparkles too") and be gracious about whatever idea she has for gifts for you. You can always return things.
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  • hilarycarr1985hilarycarr1985 member
    Thanks ladies! I am not one to confront anyone either so this would be a big step if I did need to say something. Just knowing how she is with her siblings it made me realize why she made the comment she did to my mother about the swing. She was jealous that she didn't think of it first. My husband is an only child so it seems like she is trying to mark her territory in a weird way. Which this my mom's first grandchild as well. I do have an older sister but she does not plan on having children.  My mother actually felt bad like she had something wrong for the conversation to take a turn like it did. She also knows about the 50 pound remark. Which she doesn't agree with... My mother only gained 20 pounds for both pregnancies. I'm just getting super frustrated. But you all have made me feel better about it.

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  • firsttimemommy0715firsttimemommy0715 member
    I agree with PP! Just try to relax and ignore her rude comments. If it continues I would ask your husband to speak with his mother about it first because depending on what type of person she is she could take it the wrong way coming from you. Your hubs should want to stick up for you when your feelings get hurt even if it's to his mother.
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  • mtosmammamtosmamma member
    My MIL was very invasive about our wedding but she didn't realize how private a person I really am and kept giving advice that was unwanted. She and I worked it put though and have been on better terms with her since.

    Unfortunately it sounds like your MIL knows exactly what she is doing and possible doesn't care. I think you are right a confrontation will most likely make it worse.
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  • PrairieGirl45PrairieGirl45 member
    I don't really see her comments as rude. Just opposite thoughts and opinions. It is normal for people to worry about clothes before bigger baby items. It's also very possible you will gain 50 lbs. just as possible that you won't. I would make sure not to overthink things and don't let her bother you.
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  • hilarycarr1985hilarycarr1985 member
    My husband knows about her comments and thinks they are ridiculous as well. He just says that's how she is. He will not bring it up to her because unfortunately he was never that close to his parents. The comment about the 50 pounds had been brought up several times and she constantly tells me I will 50 pounds no matter what because that was her experience. I totally agree that it could happe if I don't watch what I eat. I'm pregnant and already feel bloated even though I have only gained a pound. But no one pregnant wants to have their weight discussed. Your already feel gross as it is. I think I'm just going to suck it up and put my foot in my mouth. Hopefully it will all stop. I hate that I'm going to have to distance myself some but I think that will help me get over the comments that were made. Then I can move on with our original relationship.

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  • foreverMorganforeverMorgan member
    I agree that, as long as she her comments are just comments, to stick with the empty "uh huh" "ok" or just ignore. My MIL (God rest her soul) used to say some weird stuff that I would just Uh huh and when I got home I'd tell DH and we'd laugh or roll our eyes.

    If her comments are mean or particularly invasive that's when I'd ask DH to talk to her.

    It seems like so far "no harm, no foul". Hope it stays that way.
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  • ChristyM87ChristyM87 member
    hilarycarr1985 said:

    My husband knows about her comments and thinks they are ridiculous as well. He just says that's how she is. He will not bring it up to her because unfortunately he was never that close to his parents. The comment about the 50 pounds had been brought up several times and she constantly tells me I will 50 pounds no matter what because that was her experience. I totally agree that it could happe if I don't watch what I eat. I'm pregnant and already feel bloated even though I have only gained a pound. But no one pregnant wants to have their weight discussed. Your already feel gross as it is. I think I'm just going to suck it up and put my foot in my mouth. Hopefully it will all stop. I hate that I'm going to have to distance myself some but I think that will help me get over the comments that were made. Then I can move on with our original relationship.

    I actually think that of your MIL is saying things directed at you that make you uncomfortable or are inappropriate you husband needs to say something. You two are still newlyweds, but I highly doubt that her behavior is going to stop soon so her son needs to establish clear boundaries with her. She needs to hear from him that it is not ok to make comments to you about weight gain


    Good luck
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  • chelsea13elysechelsea13elyse member
    My SIL is a competitive bitch. I cannot stand it why can she not just be a normal human being instead I coexisting peacefully? We both have sons born 6 months apart and from the second they were born she's made everything a competition. It's stupid, petty, and immature. My advice is that if you just smile and be the bigger person you will always win because you're competing with someone acting like a child.
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