how do I respond? email from BM

tinybugsmom · November 2014

Hi,

I need some advice on how to respond to an email from the kids' BM.

I have never met nor spoken with her. And the last few visits with the kids she has bashed me in front of the kids. Which hurt because I am always positive and supportive about her and her SO to the kids.

Somehow she got my personal email. SS has DH and my joint email but not my personal one, so wasn't him, and DH didn't give it to her. So that is the first thing that I am baffled about: how did she get my email when I haven't shared it with anyone who knows her?

But she sent this email saying she wants to introduce herself, gave me her email and phone number.

Which seems nice. But then she goes into telling me "how it was" to set things straight..... how she worded it, it felt to me like she is trying to stir up trouble with me and DH.

Everything she told me, he already told me. DH was very very honest to me about all that happened, his fault and hers... so it was nothing upsetting. Just the way she did it and she is doing it now (we told the kids we are having a baby, and both are thrilled.) Seems like a ploy to cause drama.

How do I respond nicely? I want to keep the door open, and not be negative to her, but don't want to give into her bait by mentioning anything about all she told me.

Thanks.

SimpleJane · November 2014

I would respond by saying that you would love to meet at next drop off/pick up and that you hope to maintain a positive coparenting relationship. And then I would say, "Also, I am already aware of everything I need to know about my husband's PAST relationships, and would appreciate it if we could move past that discussion and focus solely on the children."

FinallyHappy84 · November 2014

I would respond with something to the effect of if she would like use email as another means of correspondence regarding the children, and the children only, then that it fine but all other issues that she brings up will be ignored because she won't be disrupting your household- if that's something you want however I would bring up the issue that she should be using the email that is joint with your DH and tell her from now on that is the only email for her to use- good luck!

MommyEllenSue · November 2014

So I am usually just a lurker but I have received e-mails from BM in the past very similiar to this. I would just ignore it. More than likely it is just a attempt to cause drama.

+just+j+ · November 2014

I wouldn't respond at all. Ignore it and ignore her.

JennyH81 · December 2014

I think I'd also just ignore, or tell your DH and let him deal with her. No need for you to get in the middle of that mess.

Now, if I wanted to stir up trouble, I'd respond with a dismissive "Thx" - but I would not recommend that

Wahoo · December 2014

BM is not your friend (as evidenced by her behavior). I would ignore the email - you don't want her to constantly contact you on her own, try to go around her children's father through you, etc. If you respond to her email, she will know this is a way to contact you.

Has she ever mentioned wanting to meet you to DH (not to the kids, they should not be messengers)? If yes, introduce yourself the next time you are near her (drop off, pick up, activities, etc.)

Yenisbabytwo · December 2014

A huge chunk of ex's are jealous psychos. Ignore anything of her. No reason to be friends.

CurlyQ284 · December 2014

Lol. What? Like every person on the planet is somebody's ex.

+just+j+ · December 2014

Okay. I vote Yenis is a troll.

+just+j+ · December 2014

Shes either a troll or bat shit crazy. Ir both.

agar0525 · January 2015

FinallyHappy84 said:

I would respond with something to the effect of if she would like use email as another means of correspondence regarding the children, and the children only, then that it fine but all other issues that she brings up will be ignored because she won't be disrupting your household- if that's something you want however I would bring up the issue that she should be using the email that is joint with your DH and tell her from now on that is the only email for her to use- good luck!

This. Speaking from experience, without going into detail, the "introduction e-mail" i received was NOT nice AT ALL! I did reply, because it seemed very much like a power play I wanted to address it matter-of-factly. I said that she was welcome to contact me for anything related to SD, visitation, transportation, etc. But that "how it was" and how things were with DH and her history with him was irrelevant and none of her business to bring up, and that I looked forward to raising her daughter with her. She sent me many more e-mails out of anger and frustration, but I ignored all the other ones unless they were about SD. To me, it was a way to keep communication open and deliberate while setting healthy limits.

mariahcohen · January 2015

Don't! In my years as SM I've learned (from falling into the trap) never to reply. It's just her way of trying to bait you. DH should be the only one with contact.

mamaKwetsi · August 2015

I'm with Mariah Cohen on this one, I don't have a relationship with BM by choice. She resents me for "taking her man", breaking up her family, etc okay whatever, my DH was single back when we dated. But through all her stunts I learned that only my DH can put her in her place, I don't have a son with her but DH does. I don't get involved in anything that has to do with her, anything to do with SS I discuss with my DH, ie change of school, school supplies etc. I'm expecting my first child, focusing all my energy there. It sounds selfish but SS has a mom, I'm just the woman married to his dad not his other mother. I try and not overstep my boundaries, in no way does this mean I love my SS any less

krzyriver · November 2015

Buninthe0ven815 · November 2015

Though for me it would be enormously difficult to bite my tongue and not respond, "GFY" - because that's me - I'd like to think I would ignore her message and filter her address to dump directly into the junk bin.

how do I respond? email from BM

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