Need Advice- How to talk to DH about MFI comments?

TTCBabyJ · December 2014

****older children mentioned****

So ladies I really need your advice, ever since DH got his MFI diagnosis (which he says does not bother him) he is ALWAYS making comments about his sperm. DH has 2 children from his previous marriage so he was really shocked to find out about his low motility and morphology.

The last few months his constant comments have really gotten bad. After our last IUI he told his entire family during a family get together about his "dead sperm." And once when I took him lunch to a job site, one of the guys asked me when we were going to start a family, I was giving the guy an eloquent answer. And then DH interrupted and said "my sperm are dead." The guy laughed and said well if you need me I have 6 kids. Not funny.

Throughout our recent vacation he kept pointing out all the young males and kept saying, "I bet their sperm works." I know from a Psychologist stand point that he is just using these comments as defense mechanisms, but from a wife standpoint I kind of find it sooooo unattractive. I know that if I start using a bunch of clinical terms, he's just going to say, "I'm not one of your students or clients." But this is really starting to bother me.

It also bothers me because if we can't afford IVF then WE both agreed that we would try and IUI (insurance covers these at 50%) with donor sperm. And if he's making weird comments now, I just fear if we decide to go down the donor sperm route. I feel like I don't want to be childless and I accept his children that are not biologically mine without making constant comments. I just need help on how to approach this topic, IF makes me such a ball of emotions. Anything else I would be fine with discussing with him.

Thanks

Eta: forgot my "children mentioned" warning

BunnyBerry · December 2014

I'm so sorry! This sounds so hard for both of you.

MH does a similar thing when it's just the two of us, but his stance is more self-deprecating jokes, trying to laugh it off. He would never tell others about it.

Just in the last few days, MH started to say that we should try donor sperm IUI if the IVF we can afford doesn't work, because he knows how desperately I want to be a mom. The problem is, he made it clear it was something he would do for me. Like you pointed out, that's not a healthy way for him to look at it - I could never take a step like that unless he was on board as a way of building his own family.

I feel like what you were saying at the end could be a good segway into an open and fair conversation about this. Starting with a gentle reminder about how his bio children are 100% your own children too, even though you weren't there from conception/babyhood/etc. Perhaps ask him if he can see himself feeling the same way about children the two of you create together, just with a donation of outside DNA.

I feel like you do, that when DH berates his crappy sperm it makes him so...unattractive! I think it's similar to how he asks me not to say negative things about myself or my appearance...confidence certainly makes us more attractive.

Could you ask YH to focus on the qualities that make him a great dad? That's what I try to do with DH when he gets down on himself for MFI.

I also made it clear to him last night that I am broken up about the idea of having kids that aren't his biologically - it's harder for me than the idea of having kids that aren't mine biologically. I want him to understand the dream I have had for so long of meeting children that look and act like him. I think DH was feeling worried that I just wanted a baby and didn't care where the DNA came from. He even made some crass comments about finding someone else to get me pregnant when he was upset. But I think the more time passes in the IF process, the more he comes to terms with the various paths this might take. He's more willing to admit that this is out of his control, and I think more accepting that it's not an evaluation of his worth.

SND1231 · December 2014

I really do not have any more advice to offer as PP have covered everything I would have said but I wanted to give you some ((hugs)) and you'll be in my thoughts!

juneroses · December 2014

I have no advice, but hugs to you both.

mshandlebar · December 2014

Can I just say how much I hate IF and particularly MFI!! I am really sorry that the two of you are going through this. When we found out that MH was azoospermic it was devastating. He looked at it as failing me, and I was just sad that I would never have "his kid" (I put this in quotes because we have since realized that any child we have whether donor or adopted will be "his kid"). Anywho, I digress. Sometimes he makes disparaging comments about his ability to procreate. Sometimes they are funny and those I let slide because who doesn't like a good joke about all those years of money wasted on condoms. If it turns negative I remind him that he is an amazing husband and is going to be a fantastic dad. I didn't marry him because of the quality or quantity of his sperm, and one way or the other we are going to get through this together. That seems to help (granted sometimes I am yelling this at him at the top of my lungs because he was being a doofus).

Point is, I agree with the other ladies, focusing on the "us" part is really important. The comments about his sperm focus on his struggle alone, but he isn't alone. I also really like the suggestions to remind him what an amazing dad he is. I always tell MH that I could care less whether his sperm was involved in the creation of our child, as long as he is the best fricking dad he can possibly be (this also seems to help). I feel like building up his self esteem is the best way to make the comments stop. I guess for this reason, I wouldn't necessarily bring up that you find it unattractive, at least not in those words. You don't want him to feel worse than he may already feel. I hope you find something that works. Good luck and big hugs.

TTCBabyJ · December 2014

Ladies thank you so much for your wonderful advice. This has been something I've really been wanting to get of my chest. And like most of you stated we are in this together. Like @iPutKetchupOnKetchup‌ stated I would like for him to think about me saying things like don't you want a woman with a whole uterus. And @lemonliz he also hates the fat comments as well.

@BlueFairy5‌ you are right I definitely won't start the conversation with how unattractive his behavior is, I want him to know this is not like you passing gas in an enclosed space this is serious.

@rainbowbridge14‌ thank you for the male perspective. I'm definitely going to take the next opportunity (which I have a feeling will be soon) to start the dialogue. DH is a big protector so I never looked at it like him deflecting the IF burden. Because actually a lot of his family members just automatically assume it's just me because I don't have any children.
Please thank Mr. Rainbow for the insight.

And @firstarabesque‌ I would never flame you but I just think coming from this somewhat arrogant and cocky guy it is just kind of unnerving. I just think as women we have more insecurities than men.

Like at @bunnyberry and @mshandlebar‌ stated I want to help him get over this biological thing, just in case we are faced with the decision to use donor sperm.

Thank you ladies for your wonderful advice I appreciate and respect your opinions. I actually feel a lot better just verbalizing the issue, I thought it was something that would just go away. Sorry I couldn't tag everyone.

dancerspose · December 2014

@firstarabesque I thought the same thing when I read this! Since all of our issues are because of my body, I definitely do similar things as a defense mechanism.

I don't have any experience with MFI, and everyone else offered really great advice, I especially likes @lemonliz's analogy about calling yourself fat, but I just wanted to stop by and offer some support. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this (HUGS)!

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