Need advice/support after miscarriage then ectopic. — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Need advice/support after miscarriage then ectopic.

So a little intro...

I had my first miscarriage in September (started bleeding at 6 weeks and was told it was a chemical as nothing grew). Then was told I had another miscarriage in November which ended up actually being an ectopic that ruptured and had an emergency surgery and left tube removed.

Now my SIL is preggo (Just found out last Thursday and told me that day). She was not super supportive during mine (actually bawled when I told her I was pregnant the first time as they tired for the first time that month too and didn't conceive) Although I am super happy for them - she text me this weekend a picture of baby clothes she got commenting on how cute they were and today sent me a screen shot of how much her HCG levels went up. Talk about FRUSTRATING. I know she is not trying to rub it in, but really??!!!!

So before you go off on her (trust me I have vented a LOT to my hubby mom already) anyone have postive ways to handle this?! I want to be supportive of her because it is their first and very exciting, but it sucks how she is handling it.


Re: Need advice/support after miscarriage then ectopic.

  • I'm so sorry for your losses! :(

    I don't think it would be too much to have a short convo with her telling her that you are having a difficult time getting through your loss and that, while you are excited for her, need a little bit more space from the intimate details of her pregnancy. It sounds like you probably have a decent relationship with her and she might not have bad intentions to hurt you. She might appreciate you being candid and understand that you are sensitive to the baby/pregnancy subject.

    I'm an incredibly empathetic person so that would be my perspective if I was your SIL b/c I really wouldn't want to hurt you.

    If yall are so close that she doesn't have anyone else to confide those intimate details with, maybe she can write you a letter about it and give it to you. That way you can open it when you're prepared and emotionally ready to have a moment to be happy with her and can call her at that time to discuss those things. You might not want to see pictures of her baby clothes pop up while you're grocery shopping. Maybe create a new email address she can send all her cute pictures to and you can open it when you have time to yourself to collect your thoughts/grab tissues and not be thrown off guard by random texts/triggers during the day...

    Hope that helps.

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    TTC since July 2014
    BFP#1 11/1/14, EDD 7/15/15, 
    MM/C (blighted ovum) 12/2/14 at 8 wks, D&C 12/5/14
    Fur Parents to Mercy, Fluffy and Big Tex
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  •  I am sorry for your losses. 

    I think that imnotfancy's advice sounds about what I would have given so I don't have much to add. I can give a *hug* though :) 
    I am not sure how to say this without getting a "solicitation" warning so I guess I just say that I am not longer active on THIS site. 

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  • Thanks ladies! @imnotfancy‌ I really appreciate all of your advice. Good ideas to think over, trying to navigate this situation is hard. I do not want to hurt the other side as well because I do want to be supportive and don't want her to completely close off, just be a tad more sensitive! Thanks for a few ideas on how to solve the situation, greatly appreciated!!

    @Nikolie93‌ - thanks for the hug. Sometimes is just sucks and that's all you need!!
  • I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you are going through this. Just be completely honest with her since she is your family. Some people just don't know how to handle certain situations and I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. She probably isn't trying to be malicious in any way or rubbing it in. In fact, she may see you as someone she wants to share her happiness with. But I do know it will take time. These things are never easy. Always keep the communication lines open. Feel better XO
  • Thanks so much @agpjt413‌!!! These hugs are helping a ton!
    [Deleted User]
  • Since I agree with all the advice you've gotten, I'm just adding to the hug pile. *hug*
    Married 10.03.2014
    TTC the day we were married
    BFP October 2014 - Due 7/2/2015 - MMC discovered 12/1/2014 (D&C)
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