Responses to revealing I am having a C-Section

Lauracox3 · December 2014

I read a post today that got me thinking. We have been revealing to many of our close family and friends that I will most likely have to have a C Section due to medical complications from my placenta previa. I'm am usually very unaffected by the stupid pieces of advice that have come our way. However, the one thing that bothers me is the disappointment many people have when I tell them I am most likely not having a vaginal birth. It's as if when I tell them they feel, "Oh. I'm sorry for you. That's too bad." What is the deal?! Is a healthy baby not enough for some people.

lgsdesigner · December 2014

Having two previous unwanted c-sections, all I dream about is a vaginal birth. I don't want to go through all that pain again and healing time, and want a more "natural" experience.
So, my assumption is they know you have to get one (that you aren't choosing to get an elective one), and understand all that comes with that (pain, healing, etc), and are just feeling sorry for you.

jenanns · December 2014

I agree with PP. I personally would be disapointed, however with your circumstances it is obviously more important that you and baby are safe. People are probably just trying to be sympathetic to something that can be upsetting to some women.

Lauracox3 · December 2014

Thank you for the responses so far! My sister had 2 great csections and so I guess it just doesn't bother me that I won't deliver vaginally. It makes sense that the recovery can be harder with a c-section. I wonder though, because I have also heard multiple friends have vaginal tears, episiotomies, etc. that have caused long term discomfort and wonder how much harder a csection truly is. I also agree with PP that I wish the some people would keep their unwanted disappointment to themselves. It makes it seem like I am doing something wrong or that I will not be as much of a mother as those who will deliver vaginally.

lgsdesigner · December 2014

Lauracox3 said:
Thank you for the responses so far! My sister had 2 great csections and so I guess it just doesn't bother me that I won't deliver vaginally. It makes sense that the recovery can be harder with a c-section. I wonder though, because I have also heard multiple friends have vaginal tears, episiotomies, etc. that have caused long term discomfort and wonder how much harder a csection truly is. I also agree with PP that I wish the some people would keep their unwanted disappointment to themselves. It makes it seem like I am doing something wrong or that I will not be as much of a mother as those who will deliver vaginally.

I would rather be torn than have my abdomen sliced open again. Took months and months to fully heal. JMO.

However-- since you are having a planned c-section, it may not be as bad. Hope it goes well for you!

kac22 · December 2014

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.. I can totally sympathize. We found out with DD1 that I was going to have to have a c/s around 35 weeks. I was definitely shocked and maybe a bit disappointed at first but in the end everything turned out great and me and LO are perfectly healthy. We found out I will also be needing a repeat for this LO.

I honestly think there is still a bit of a stigma so to speak about not doing it the "natural" or "normal" way. People do the same thing to me when they find out I've had/will be having c/s. I say if that's what it takes to get baby into this world safely then so be it. They usually shut up after that

I've never had a vaginal birth so I can't speak to recovery for that, but the c/s recovery was definitely hard on me. I've never had surgery prior to it let alone even been in a hospital for myself so it was definitely an experience. However, DD and I are perfectly safe and healthy today so it obviously isn't too bad

Lauracox3 · December 2014

@kac22‌ thank you. I appreciate that you have been through this and have felt the stigma too. I am so glad your LO is healthy. This definitely gave me a hopeful perspective on what to expect given that everything gets to that point.

samiamagirl · December 2014

Honestly, everyone recovers from birth differently, c-section or vaginally. My best friend delivered vaginally (no tearing or anything) and she took over two weeks to recover while another friend just had an unplanned c-section and within days back from the hospital was up and about, hitting the town. Every woman is different and so is every birth.

I'm also sure the "negative" reactions you're receiving about the c-section aren't because you're needing one but because it's a majory surgery and gut reaction to that is not an excited one. I'd be concerned my friend told me she's getting a c-section but understanding that it's for the overall health of her and the baby. I'm sure that's where your loved ones stand too.

Pintobean39 · December 2014

I will be very disappointed if they tell me I have to have a cs. My boys were delivered vaginally, no tears, no episiotomy. I was back to normal the next day physically just maybe a little tired. A c/s is surgery and the recovery time takes longer. I don't understand the concept that some think it's not a natural way to deliver. If someone told me they had to have a c/s I'd feel bad because of the recovery time only.

kac22 · December 2014

I will totally agree that those that truly care about you are coming from a point of concern. Like PPers said it is a major surgery and can be really hard on your body. When we told our families they were definitely concerned because although it's a routine surgery now-a-days, surgery is surgery and not something to take super lightly as anything can happen.

However, that said, I have personally experienced comments from people that that wasn't their main concern. Comments like "Do you feel like less of a woman because you can't give birth the normal way"... some people are just asshats.

katiebug66 · December 2014

I have had 2 c/s and this one will be a scheduled C. With the first one I was a little disappointed and wanted a VBAC but my health wouldn't allow it. It allowed me to completely let go of the guilt I was giving myself. I can tell you getting out of the bed as soon as they will let you will make all the difference in your healing. I mean it is in insane how much easier the second one was because I got up.

People always have odd reactions to pregnancy anything - just ignore them and prepare yourself for a C-section. I felt like I wasn't prepared enough. The second time I was and I never thought twice about delivery. I cared more about having that baby in my arms.

Unknown · December 2014

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Lauracox3 · December 2014

@katiebug66‌ that's a good point! I think at the point they explained my risk, I made the emotional choice to not feel guilty, because I know it's what my baby and I will most likely need to be healthy. I definitely am starting to see the responses as more concern for surgery. However, some people have definitely been uninformed vaginal birth crusaders. I am glad to have an informed perspective to address this issue as it comes from now on.

lakingsfan2015 · December 2014

I have had 1 unmediated vaginal birth and 2 c-sections. The first was an emergency and the emotional disappointment lasted longer than the recovery time. My second was a planned c-section, I was out of the hospital in 36 hours and back to normal my normal routine the following week. This time I will have another c-section but will probably milk my recovery time as much as possible so my help stays longer

I agree with people reaction is based on the fact it is a major surgery. Aside from cosmetic surgery I don't think anyone is ever excited for surgeries.

MBSettle · December 2014

How are you feeling about it? If you're sharing it with disappointment in your voice and sadness in your face they are reciprocating your feelings. With that being said any response you get should be supportive and not negative. I have also seen my friends have a c-section and recover much quicker than those that delivered vaginally. So you have that to look forward to.

DawnLilly · December 2014

What they are nonchalantly trying to do is see if you are disappointed. What they want to know is if there is a medical reason or if you are choosing cs to avoid vaginal birth. Because people are nosy and must know these things but are not so nosy as to cone out and ask directly. They exhibit disappointment at the thought to see if you mirror it.

sunnyday016 · December 2014

I have had a vaginal birth and a c-section (emergency). There's no denying that the c-section was the harder recovery. I think compared to others' experiences, I still got off easier on the recovery though.

This baby will be a scheduled c-section. I won't be trying for a VBAC.

Snapdragon750 · December 2014

DawnLilly said:

What they are nonchalantly trying to do is see if you are disappointed. What they want to know is if there is a medical reason or if you are choosing cs to avoid vaginal birth. Because people are nosy and must know these things but are not so nosy as to cone out and ask directly. They exhibit disappointment at the thought to see if you mirror it.

Come on now...I guess it's possible for a person to do this, but to assume everyone who asks the question is being judgmental is in itself kind of judgmental. Anyway, I think OP is telling people that she's doing it for medical reasons. I think I would express sympathy too knowing someone had to get a C-section for a medical reason, but I'd keep my mouth shut if they were choosing it. Even if you think a c-section is no big deal, it's still disappointing being told you have no choice, I'd think. I mean, what's the correct response to someone telling you they're going to have to have a major surgery?

Lauracox3 · December 2014

I have thought about this for a while after re-examining the responses I have been getting in my head. Yes, I have told my close ones about my medical situation and to me...the correct response would be along the lines of, "Ok well as long as the baby is healthy" or "ok they do csections a lot. Whatever is going to get the baby out healthy." Something supportive. I guess I have been irritated by the people who just say, "oh. OK." With a face as if to pity me. I have been very strong and open about my medical health. All I would expect as a response would be support. Not pity.

Snapdragon750 · December 2014

Lauracox3 said:

I have thought about this for a while after re-examining the responses I have been getting in my head. Yes, I have told my close ones about my medical situation and to me...the correct response would be along the lines of, "Ok well as long as the baby is healthy" or "ok they do csections a lot. Whatever is going to get the baby out healthy." Something supportive. I guess I have been irritated by the people who just say, "oh. OK." With a face as if to pity me. I have been very strong and open about my medical health. All I would expect as a response would be support. Not pity.

I get it. There is a fine line between sympathy and pity--I do think most people are probably trying to sympathize but it's hard to do so without coming off as condescending, especially if you didn't feel bad about it in the first place.

DawnLilly · December 2014

Snapdragon750 said:

DawnLilly said:

What they are nonchalantly trying to do is see if you are disappointed. What they want to know is if there is a medical reason or if you are choosing cs to avoid vaginal birth. Because people are nosy and must know these things but are not so nosy as to cone out and ask directly. They exhibit disappointment at the thought to see if you mirror it.

Come on now...I guess it's possible for a person to do this, but to assume everyone who asks the question is being judgmental is in itself kind of judgmental. Anyway, I think OP is telling people that she's doing it for medical reasons. I think I would express sympathy too knowing someone had to get a C-section for a medical reason, but I'd keep my mouth shut if they were choosing it. Even if you think a c-section is no big deal, it's still disappointing being told you have no choice, I'd think. I mean, what's the correct response to someone telling you they're going to have to have a major surgery?

--Quote Fail--

Personal experience mostly. DS was breech and I got tired of people telling me I should try spinning babies, chiropractory, and external cyphalic version. I had tried those things and was tired of going through it with everyone who asked so I stopped saying he was breech and just left it at I would be having a cs on June 1st. When I would say I was having a cs without explanation people assumed it was elective.

MrsPDX · December 2014

I agree with what some PP said, if I have to have a C section I will feel a bit sad. I am sure people are just trying to be thoughtful by thinking of your possible feelings, and not meaning to discredit the blessing of a healthy baby.

Lauracox3 · December 2014

@carriet2018‌ that is what I have started to get defensive about. I have had several people already say things like "that sucks won't able to experience a natural childbirth" or "I want a natural childbirth." As if I won't have that bond without it. As if it's not natural. And it's not OK to say that to someone! Especially when some of them have never had kids and have no idea what it takes to carry a baby safely to that point. Did I originally picture a vaginal birth, yes. That's what is in all the pictures. However, with medical advances being what they are, a surgery that is needed to safely deliver my baby is A OK with me.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

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TarheelMama202 · December 2014

AFwifelife said:

As someone who had an amazing emergency C, I would get the sympathy talk as soon as I mentioned that I had one. My response was this: "I went into the hospital to have a healthy baby and I accomplished that". I wasn't ever disappointed that I had a C, recovered quick even with taking care of DS by myself, and have no desire to even attempt a VBAC (I'm not a candidate anyway). I would be sure to mention that although it's not ideal, it's the safest way for everyone and that you are ok with it. I agree that the concern is most likely out of love for you but many just see the negatives in Cs. Not many really believe that someone can be ok with having Cs.

This exactly. After having a failed 25-hour induction, DS flipping OP and being stuck in the birth canal, my first c-section was completely fine with me. My goal is always to have a healthy baby. I know some people are really invested in having a perfect birth experience, but my priority was always just having a healthy baby. I snapped back from my c-section really quickly-- it took place on a Saturday and I was going on walks around my neighborhood by Wednesday. Getting up and moving, although it is uncomfortable at first, really helps jump-start the healing process. Just like you, OP, I've already had some people questioning why I would want another c-section. Everyone's experience is different and it is truly none of their business.

ScarletBegonia79 · December 2014

i had to have an emergency C too and it turned out so much better than i had expected. i was in tears hysterical when they told me it was time to give up and go in for the C because of all the negative things i had heard but my experience was positive overall -- not a bad recovery at all and even the scar isn't bad. i am happily going in for C #2 this time around.

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