Help! I spanked DS :(

Emerald27 · November 2014

I feel like the worst mother in the whole world. I spanked DS (3yo).

It was just one slap, but I feel horrible and worry that I've damaged our relationship. I've since apologized and hugged him and told him that hitting is never a good way to show that you're mad, etc.

I spanked DS because I was trying to get him to stop running away from me, and he was kicking me and laughing and squirming and I was trying to hold him AND his baby brother. I should have set baby down in a safe place and then dealt with DS, but in the moment I just wanted him to listen (for once in his life sort of thing), to stop kicking me and to stay where I asked.

It definitely got him to stop. And immediately. He said owwie and looked at me like he expected me to say it was an accident and I'm sorry and offer kisses...none of which I did because it was meant to stop him. Ugh!!

It only took him a few minutes to collect himself and then start acting out again. I'm pretty much at the very end of my rope and have no idea how to control my child.

Please tell me that I am not the only AP-minded, gentle parenting fan to ever hit her child. Please tell me that I haven't ruined my relationship with him. I seriously need some better self-control...age 3 is so so hard. And I need to figure out yet again the best strategy for managing him.

Emerald27 · November 2014

Thanks for all your suggestions!! I was so disappointed in myself and was really surprised that I would resort to that. I've resolved that it definitely will never happen again.

I really want DS to know and want to do what's right because he should, never out of fear. And I want to model behavior I expect from him. Super mom fail. But you're right...mistakes happen. We have to keep moving forward.

I remember reading once about making mistakes being good because it shows our kids that we do in fact act wrongly sometimes, and it gives us the opportunity to model apologizing and working to fix or change what we've messed up. Showing our kids that we're human, and that families love each other and forgive when mistakes are made, can be a great lesson. Just still so unfortunate.

I was so overwhelmed in that moment and could think of nothing else to settle him down. What I really need to do is have a plan before we go and do things: how will I discipline in the event of xyz? At what point will we just go home? That sort of thing. Planning in advance might really help me.

Again, thanks for your encouragement! I've been giving lots of extra hugs and being very mindful of DS today.

neverblushed · November 2014

I've done it to each of my kids one time. Both times it was in a situation similar to what you describe, the child was about 3 or 4, and I was totally frustrated and at my wits' end.

Look, no parent is perfect. You'll collect yourself, reflect upon the situation, analyze what went wrong, determine how you can avoid going down that road next time... and then go on being a mommy.

If it helps, neither of my kids has any memory of being spanked. The -- literally -- thousands of times I've dealt with them fairly, reasonably, and humanely are what they remember.

Emerald27 · November 2014

@ClaryPax‌ DH has said never ever will our kids be on a leash. :P Never say never, right? He needs to take 2 kids out on his own a time or two. Hehe

opheliainwaders · November 2014

@Emerald27‌ I haven't gotten to the 3-year-old stage, but FWIW I don't think you've damaged your relationship with him. My parents were pretty AP, but once when I was about 5, my dad spanked me for spitting toothpaste on him (after what I think was a LOOOOONG day of overzealous kid behavior). We actually laugh about it now, because it was so out of character for both of us! I'm no spanking advocate, but I think it's ok to realize that we're all human, we make mistakes, and the best thing to do is figure out why we do, and find ways to avoid them in the future

pixieprincss · November 2014

Hug! You have not ruined your relationship, you make a mistake. This sounds like a situation where you were acting out of your "flight, fight, freeze" brain rather than your rational one. Our kids pretty much live in that primitive part of the brain, so now you can have greater empathy for how hard self-control is for them, right? Signed, Also an imperfect parent

Jbosarge85 · November 2014

I've swatted DD (almost 2) on the butt twice. She was playing with electrical cords (unplugging/plugging back in). It scares me because she can really hurt herself. I'm sure your relationship is ruined. I'm sorry I don't have any advise just want you to know you are not alone

yeah. · December 2014

I've never spanked either child but I've been tempted in anger. Kids can push your buttons!

Try not to beat yourself up. It's not going to permanently damage a great relationship. Just do better next time!

GillianB32 · December 2014

I think at three years old, it's possible that you had a slightly unrealistic expectation for his ability to focus and behave. If they are capable of doing smth sometime it doesn't mean they can do it all the time. Not in a sense that you should accept this, but more like treating this as a skill that you need to keep working on them mastering. Maybe next time you feel that you're getting to that stage again, you might just walk away to have a few seconds to calm down.

I think if we apologise in such situations we are a good role model because kids can learn something on our mistakes.

Big hugs honey! We all do things that we never expected to do before we became moms.

tiff16 · March 2015

I did once. My daughter was 3, I think. She was hitting and kicking me. It was more of a reflex but I never did again. She's 7 and doesn't remember it. Just remember these feelings the next time he tests you.

spiffster5 · June 2015

My daughter was running away from me in a parking lot I swatted at her hand and told her if a car hits her it would be much worse. She is 2 and 8 months. We now have a designated safe spot on the car and still trying to keep her close in parking lots. As long as you know this one instance doesn't dictate your parenting style we all made mistakes. Its most likely forgotten from your child after all your mommy and they will love you no matter what

wintersong · June 2015

Lol, hopefully she has learned this in the last 9 months since the op...

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