Mom present at homebirth?

runawaylaurel · November 2014

My mom had my brother and I at home, and I grew up hearing from her how cool homebirth is. Everyone seems to think it's a no-brainer that I'd have her at my (planned) homebirth too, but honestly, meh. First, she tends to be negative and I'm going to need support and positivity. Second, although everyone says that modesty goes right out the window, I'm just not sure I want my mom to see me in all my sweaty, naked, grunting glory. I'll have my husband, a midwife and a birth assistant with me.

Thoughts? This obviously doesn't just apply to homebirth, but I feel like there will be more nude walking around at home vs. in a hospital setting.

sschwege · November 2014

You don't need negativity when you are giving birth! That's reason enough right there! I feel like particularly in a HB, you really don't need to be rolling the dice. At least at a hospital you could ask her to wait in the waiting room, but it just seems like if your mom gets on your nerves at home are you prepared to ask her to leave your home?

marriedinaugust · November 2014

I wanted no one at my birth except my husband and my birth team. I'm a modest person and that did not change one bit in labor. I do not like people touching, talking to or comforting me when I am in pain or deep in thought. There was no reason for anyone else to be in that room. My mom lives to far away and I doubt she would have wanted to be in the room. My MIL understood 100%. You need what is best for you and if that is to be left alone than so be it. If your mom lives close to you and you decide in labor that you want her there someone can call her.

KateLouise · November 2014

If people weren't expecting her to be there, would you have planned to invite her to be there?

If no, then other people's expectations shouldn't change that.

Your post doesn't make it clear on whether your Mum also expects to be there, or if it's other people.

You really don't need negativity around you, and I agree with pp that asking your Mum to leave your house is more awkward than having her be in the waiting room at the hospital.

runawaylaurel · November 2014

Thanks for all the replies. That's pretty much what I thought, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable.

soulcupcake · November 2014

My mom is planning to arrive early December, so she will be here at the time of her birth if I don't deliver sooner. I think it's important to have whomever you feel most comfortable with. My mom and DH are the only two I want present (and the attendants). If you don't feel that having her there will work for you then that's okay. She needs to respect that. You don't need any added stress or worry.

jennypolkadots · November 2014

My MIL had DH in a 100% natural birth center birth and has been such a big support throughout my pregnancy. She is also an RN. She brought up that she plans to be there but we said no. We don't plan to even tell people when we go into labor and we won't have cell service at the birth house. Some people were pissed about that but it's our baby and our choice to make. I don't want people worried, or DH to feel like he has to keep people updated when he needs to be supporting me, or for me to feel rushed or anything. I also want to be able to spend as much time as we want after the baby arrives before feeling like we need to announce the news. I really only want my husband and our trained support team there, and he feels the same. It will be me, DH, a midwife, midwife assistant, and a bradley instructor/doula. All people who are supportive of my birth, very positive and calm, and I am totally comfortable being naked and crazy in front of.

So basically, regardless of the reasons in the pro section, it it totally up to you who you want at your birth. It sounds like you have plenty of reasons for not wanting her there, and you should go with your gut and not feel the least bit apologetic.

modernfairytale8709 · November 2014

I don't even want to tell my mother when I'm in labor, and fully plan on letting her know that she can stop by the house after we get home from the birth center.

I'd never, ever consider having her with me in the room. We don't have an extremely positive relationship.

runawaylaurel · November 2014

You all make me feel so much better about how hesitant I am to have her there! I keep imagining my "ideal birth" and does not include her, so I think that's my answer. Thanks so much for all the feedback.

JCWhitey · November 2014

I agree with PPs that just because she had a home birth doesn't mean she gets a free ride to be at yours. I'd definitely just not say that you are in labor and not worry about her randomly showing up.

However I will say that, for me anyway, I didn't care that I was in a hospital. I stripped naked from the waste down and walked around that way for my entire labor. Then the next day I took my bra off and spent the day lying there in just my mesh panties and pad. I'm sure more strange men saw me naked in that one day than most prostitutes in a night, but I could have cared less! So no matter what the setting nudity is probably going to happen. I'd definitely plan to not have anyone around you're not comfortable seeing you that way!

ridesbuttons · November 2014

My mom was present for the birth of DS1, her first grandkid. We had a good relationship but we're not particularly close. I had not thought of having her there until my husband called to to join us on way to hospital. And then she was there, sitting beside DH where they chatted quietly and I laboured nearly silently.

I am glad she was there. Not because she did anything (aside from helping me get into a squatting position to push I don't think we talked much at all) but because she was so thrilled to witness it. And I am really glad she got to see babe being born and hold him so soon after.

It's one of the warmest memories that i have that include my mom.

lcourter24 · November 2014

I love my mom BUT she is not supportive of natural childbirth. She even blamed it for causing me to have PPD! Saying I was having post tramatic stress from the long hard delivery. (She's a bit dramatic). So needless to say she is not welcomed in the room, which makes me sad bc I wish she could be a support and witness such a beautiful moment.

We don't call parents till I'm about a 6-7 and then they are told it could be a while and to just stay home but keep phone handy. We bonded with our DS for about 2.5 hrs before gma's were allowed in and they didn't get to hold him till that evening after we had plenty of time to bond, feed, and study each other's faces.

We live out of town this time so it will be totally different, not sure how we'll approach it.

Beevol · December 2014

Another voice in the choir - I didn't tell my mom when I went into labor with DD#1 and she wont know when I go into labor with DD#2 either (unless my childcare plans fall through and I need her to watch DD#1 - pray for me that my childcare plans work out!). My mom and I are pretty close and get along well, but that doesn't mean I want her there. Honestly, when I was in labor with DD#1, I barely wanted DH there - not because of a modesty thing, but because I like to be left alone when I don't feel good.

All I got to say is the best thing to do is not talk about your plans with other people. Other people are the worst.

drpayne · December 2014

Sounds like you answered your own question.

mylazypony · December 2014

I was dreading the convo where I was gonna have to tell my mom, I don't want her present at my home birth. I don't want her there because she's also negative at times and impatient. She had all of us at a hospital and although is supportive of my choice for home birth, she still thinks it's weird. I could only imagine her at my side, saying things like.. This is taking too long, or this isn't safe, etc. However I never had to break the bad news, she got a new job and told me, she wouldn't be able to make my due date and fly out. She's setting time aside later to come out and help with her grand baby. Dodged that bullet!

lisalisanorgren · December 2014

My mom has always assumed she would be present. Her exact words were "I can't imagine not being there for my little girl." While my thought was, "I can't imagine her being there."

After an extended visit a few weeks ago my mind was made up about her not being present. Especially with a home birth, I feel like there's less natural separation. After reading this string I'm pretty certain I won't even tell her that I've gone into labor. Rather, I plan to just call her once the baby is here and let her know it's time to come...

runawaylaurel · December 2014

Now that I'm 6 weeks closer to delivery, I am pretty much set on not having her there. When I visualize my ideal birth, she is not included. I very much want my husband to be able to support me and not be questioned by her. She already has a lot of opinions about things I've mentioned my midwife will be doing, so it's just better if she's not there.

Thanks again for all your input!

mrsswashbuckle · December 2014

My mom passed away so I asked my mil to be present. She is cool and like a second mom to me (I've known her since I was 14 I'm 29 now). I was thinking it was going to be weird with her being there so every time we talk I talk about how I'm probably going to be naked the whole time. And I tell her the birth plans and about the birthing center so it's not all a shock. Good luck ladies telling your mom. If my mom was still alive I wouldn't have asked her to be present so I know how some of y'all feel.

deux · December 2014

My sister has made a couple of comments like she assumes she'll be there - not happening, sorry sis. My mom will be there, but her job will be to see to DS, so there's a decent chance she won't actually be in the room either.

louloutte87 · January 2015

I love my mum to bits but there is no way... I repeat... NO WAY I would let her anywhere near me during childbirth. Do what's right for you, regardless of the extraneous pressure.

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