Holiday Awkwardness (Living Children/BFPs mentioned - none of my own)

TashaCN · December 2014

Okay- I'm at work so I'm going to post this quickly and follow up as I can throughout the day.

My hubs and were out for drinks (so much for not drinking during the 2WW) with his uncle last night (he was in the city for a training). Anyway we were just chatting and something came up about MH's cousin (his uncle's dtr) recently having a baby. I was holding my glass in the air, and his uncle clanked my glass and said, "I know" I'm like, "You know what?"

Turns out, after I had requested my MIL mention to a few of the pushy "when are you going to have a baby" aunts, that MH had I have been having a difficult time in this area (thinking she would leave it vague) and that it would not be appropriate to push me on the matter this year, she let the ENTIRE family know. My FIL has 14 siblings. That is a whole lot of family knowing my business.

Anyway - tomorrow night is that side of the family's Christmas party and the drinks FLOW, I mean NON-STOP pour after pour drinks. I am fine with some people checking in but not drunk check-ins and not at a party. If you really want to know how I am doing - please just call/email or even Facebook message me!

The final kicker is I know some of MH's cousins have been really trying to get pregnant - and I am expecting some announcements tomorrow night. I have been working to prepare myself for any announcements - and have an escape route planned to all the potentially nearest bathrooms.

I may be getting worked up for nothing, But my question to you all is how do you plan to handle any awkward "in-your-face" situations over the holidays and how will you be taking care of yourselves?

Edited: Weird Words.

welly01 · December 2014

Short answer: I'm facing 2 pregnant family members and a newborn. I'm not attending any family get togethers this year.

Long answer: I went to Thanksgiving knowing about 1 of the pregnancies. I did my best to avoid and drink away my anxiety. Well, a very surprising pregnancy announcement was made that I was not prepared for. I pretty much ran out of the room crying and cussed out an uncle that tried to follow me to ask if I was okay. Not my best moment.

I'm very embarrassed about my reaction at Thanksgiving but its also demonstrated to me that I'm just not ready to face those situations yet, especially if I can avoid them.

I am actually having second thoughts about going to Christmas. But I just don't know if I can do it.

So I guess I have no advice. Keeping track of the nearest bathroom seems like a good plan.

ETA: Because of my behavior at Thanksgiving, pretty much DH's entire family knows about our MC. We really hadn't planned on telling people. So it also sucks having to face them and act like everything is normal.

TashaCN · December 2014

@welly01: So sorry about Thanksgiving. I hope your family can be understanding of what you are going through. Has anyone from DH's family tried to talk to you since or offer condolences? Good luck if you decide to go to Christmas. If not I hope you do something special for your self.

@mrsjac1210: :I like your we can't afford it enhancement. Sounds like a great way to get people to shut the F up. Good luck with DH's cousins...Close due dates SUCK!.

bfonz619 · December 2014

I never thought of the holidays as being hard until this year.

We usually spend them DW's family, but have decided we are going to keep things low key and stay home. We will have our nephews for Christmas eve so we will focus on baking and decorating cookies and will probably take them ice skating.

welly01 · December 2014

@scubadiva30, no, no one has contacted me at all. I was secretly hoping that the cousin that announced on Thanksgiving would send an apology email. She shouted "I'm pregnant!" to the whole room right after we finished praying. Thanks for that traumatizing announcement, AWish bitch.

There is also zero chance that people in his family would say the right thing. They are various levels of religious, so I'm sure I'd hear a lot of "God's will", etc. No thank you. I did find out that my MIL had 2 losses between DH and BIL and one of my SIL's also had a loss in her 1st marriage. It oddly made me feel better. I've thought about reaching out to MIL to have someone to talk to, but we just don't have a great relationship.

P.S. Sorry I'm writing a book. I guess I felt like talking today. Didn't meant to hijack your thread.

TashaCN · December 2014

sdfonz619 said:

I never thought of the holidays as being hard until this year.

We usually spend them DW's family, but have decided we are going to keep things low key and stay home. We will have our nephews for Christmas eve so we will focus on baking and decorating cookies and will probably take them ice skating.

I hope keeping things low-key goes well for you. Decorating cookies is my favorite! Ice skating not so much -but have fun!.

TashaCN · December 2014

@welly01 - Feel free to write a book- no problem.

It would have been nice if SOMEONE reached out to you. That's hard. Maybe its best though if your choice is that or "Well, are you praying." or "what's meant to be will be..."

I get what you mean about feeling better when you hear of someone else also having losses. Every story I have heard has helped "normalize" things for me I guess. Like I'm not some freak because this happened to me. Also a reassurance that I'm not being judged for my MMC....weird thoughts.

TashaCN · December 2014

@heartbot I'm glad you and YH have a plan for dealing with rudeness. This party is at my IL's, where we will be staying. Luckily there will be so many people there that if I disappear no one may notice.

I do have my FX that they are all just perfectly behaved though...I may be very surprised by how everyone is or treats me.

cooldown726 · December 2014

The baby questions came up for us on Thanksgiving and my response was something along the lines of: "Well we have technical difficulties in that area, so it's not really in our control when that's going to happen"

That pretty much ended the conversation and they usually felt bad for bringing it up. After our first loss, I was politically correct, told the little white lies, and tried not to make others uncomfortable. This time around, I say hell with that... I don't deserve to be the uncomfortable one, they should be the uncomfortable one for asking offensive questions!

SunshineShades · December 2014

stacylynn721 said:
The baby questions came up for us on Thanksgiving and my response was something along the lines of: "Well we have technical difficulties in that area, so it's not really in our control when that's going to happen"

That pretty much ended the conversation and they usually felt bad for bringing it up. After our first loss, I was politically correct, told the little white lies, and tried not to make others uncomfortable. This time around, I say hell with that... I don't deserve to be the uncomfortable one, they should be the uncomfortable one for asking offensive questions!

I need to do this. A friend asked the other day at dinner if I was ku yet. I got awkward and said no. She said really and I said no again. So DH said we're waiting till the new year and she asked why. I should have said something but all I said was that was the rule. She asked who's DH said his. Seriously it was uncomfortable but I didn't want to be like "oh Cuz I've lost 2 babies since July. ..". But it was kinda like holy shit leave it be.

welly01 · December 2014

Hugs @SunshineShades

cooldown726 · December 2014

@SunshineShades I'm sorry you had to deal with that!

SunshineShades · December 2014

@welly01‌ I seriously considered messaging her after and being like so heads up stop asking. We had to do that to fil because the day after my second miscarriage bil told him I wasn't feeling well at work. He came and asked if I was pregnant... So DH had him a call to let him know and not to ask again. I wasn't upset with him just didn't want to be asked anymore.

I'm totally not looking forward to all the "so you're next right? " questions at Christmas.

welly01 · December 2014

@SunshineShades, I didn't really want to tell anyone about my MC but per the story above, the secret is out. And you know what? Its kinda liberating. I was a total bitch to my sister at Thanksgiving and ended up telling her about my loss also. Its been nice not having to act all happy about random stuff she wants to talk about and she's given me some space.

But I totally get not wanting to talk to people about it. I don't want to do that either. Hence why I'm avoiding Christmas.

I don't know if any of that made sense. Sorry.

SunshineShades · December 2014

Made perfect sense @welly01‌ quite a few people do know. I agree sometimes telling people makes you feel so much better. I was just worried about ruining dinner and making her feel bad. I should stop caring so much about making others feel bad.

TashaCN · December 2014

@SunshineShades - sorry you had to go through that. I have an issue with people thinking asking about pregnancy and children is completely normal. ESPECIALLY after when you tell many people they either have had issues themselves or know of someone else who has. So why this culture of nosing into everyone's business perpetuates I don't know. But that is my soap box for a different day.

Also I have a issue with the secrecy that tends to be the norm for miscarriages. (I know everyone has to deal in their own way), but for instance why should I be afraid to make people a little uncomfortable at a gathering, dinner, or whatever. If someone loses a loved one in a different way they usually tell their family and friends. Is my loss not important enough to share and yes have others be uncomfortable for a minute with me. Or just to sit with me when I'm feeling off because of my loss? (This is another soap box)

I am not saying by any means that it is wrong to keep quiet about your loss(es). I just feel like it's taboo for me to share about my loss because it makes others uncomfortable. Does this make sense?

Edited: I said "any means" a lot.

welly01 · December 2014

scubadiva30 said:

Also I have a issue with the secrecy that tends to be the norm for miscarriages. (I know everyone has to deal in their own way), but for instance why should I be afraid to make people a little uncomfortable at a gathering, dinner, or whatever. If someone loses a loved one in a different way they usually tell their family and friends. Is my loss not important enough to share and yes have others be uncomfortable for a minute with me. Or just to sit with me when I'm feeling off because of my loss? (This is another soap box)

Wow. Totally true.

You know, also, if someone had to lose someone like their DH but tried to hide the sorrow and pain they were feeling, they might also act like a crazy person (like I did). But when you openly express your grief, I feel like the healing process begins sooner (maybe?). Acknowledging it just helps, you know?

I still don't know why bumps and babies still scare and upset me though. After I lost my stepdad, it didn't cause me any additional pain to see people with their dads. I guess its just different.

SunshineShades · December 2014

scubadiva30 said:
@SunshineShades - sorry you had to go through that. I have an issue with people thinking asking about pregnancy and children is completely normal. ESPECIALLY after when you tell many people they either have had issues themselves or know of someone else who has. So why this culture of nosing into everyone's business perpetuates I don't know. But that is my soap box for a different day.

Also I have a issue with the secrecy that tends to be the norm for miscarriages. (I know everyone has to deal in their own way), but for instance why should I be afraid to make people a little uncomfortable at a gathering, dinner, or whatever. If someone loses a loved one in a different way they usually tell their family and friends. Is my loss not important enough to share and yes have others be uncomfortable for a minute with me. Or just to sit with me when I'm feeling off because of my loss? (This is another soap box)

I am not saying by any means that it is wrong to keep quiet about your loss(es). I just feel like it's taboo for me to share about my loss because it makes others uncomfortable. Does this make sense?

Edited: I said "any means" a lot.

You are wise. I agree with everything you said

.

TashaCN · December 2014

SunshineShades said:
You are wise. I agree with everything you said .

No one's called me wise before- I'm blushing.

Edited: I can't make emojis work.

Puglife83 · December 2014

We visited my husbands family in California for thanksgiving. While I was watching football, his grandma handed me baby clothes for no reason and I thought I was going to have a meltdown. Although I know it wasn't meant to be hurtful, I still found it insensitive after loosing my pregnancy a few months ago. Thank god we wont be seeing them for Christmas.

TashaCN · December 2014

I so want to respond...but I am drunk. Typing/reading is hard.

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Holiday Awkwardness (Living Children/BFPs mentioned - none of my own)

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