How is the New Daddy Adjusting?

hidingangel82 · December 2014

I'm going to bring up the unspeakable here, with the hopes I am not the only one who's SO isn't adjusting to parenthood.
I constantly read AWs about daddies and babies happily doing this or that, but MH isn't really adjusting well... happy cuddle times are awesome, but crying and repeatedly poopy diapers bring out a grumpy side I've need seen before. Today he also said he resents LO because of the time and attention he requires from me, taking away from him.
I take on 90% of baby related responsibilities to keep him in a decent mood, not to mention that I am the only one who can really do feedings (ebf'ing)...
Not really looking for advice or even venting, I just wanted to find out if I'm really the only one with this, and maybe make it easier for you girls to share if you're experiencing the same.

Carebella · December 2014

I'm glad you brought this up because for first time parents you never really know how you or DH will react until baby actually arrives. I'm in the middle ground between DH being super helpful and super out of touch.

I knew not to expect him to be super helpful but he has definitely been a little less involved and helpful than I expected. I have no doubt he loves LO and will be extremely involved the older he gets. But between being raised where he never had to do anything for himself or pitch in around the house, and me EBF, he has been less helpful than I expected/hoped given his excitement level. I really hope he comes around some at least with realizing that he should be spending more time interacting with LO. Not just holding him and playing games or being on the computer.

To all those with DH's/SO's who aren't handling LO's arrival well, I'll keep my FX that it gets better. Hugs mamas.

smboswell1 · December 2014

Parker can be helpful at times.... He use to hand Beckham to me as soon as he started crying. The other day, I made Parker calm him down. I got in the shower so I wouldn't here him cry! It is very stressful.

I know exactly what to do when beck is crying and it worried me that Parker would get frustrated. I make Parker change all of becks diapers and he doesn't mind, which is good!

Parker and I do not live together, so I think that helps with how involved he wants to be when he is around Beckham and I!

sparklingwhit · December 2014

My DH was SOOOOOO helpful at first, but it has definitely tapered off. I think I probably do 70% of the work. I'm fine with this now, but he's going to need to step it up if he really wants to be a SAHD, which is what we had originally planned.

kimberly_ann81 · December 2014

I can't relate personally as this is our third and DH was on night shift when the first was born, but my BIL was the same way. If my nephew cried at all he would get grumpy and argue with my sister about keeping the baby quiet. My mother also mentioned her father feeling resentful of the baby taking my grandmother attention. It happens, babies bring a lot of changes and newborns are "harder" on men as they just eat sleep and poop. Men don't quite know what to do at this stage.

oklahomamom09 · December 2014

I do 100% of everything.. Diaper changes and feeling of course since I'm EBF. But I knew going into this that I wouldn't get much help. FI has an 8 yr old and he told me from the beginning he doesn't do babies. Which is fine, most of the time.

What aggravates me the most is that he will play his game all night and I ask him to hold LO while I do the dishes, pee, take a shower, or fold laundry and like 2 minutes later he brings him to me saying he's hungry. I wanna be like he'll be ok he's not crying yet. Agh!

And he says he doesn't help much because he has no way to clam him down since I EBF. Makes me almost want to FF so I can get more help from him.

Okay, end rant

MuchlyGen · December 2014

I'm glad someone posted this thread - I had a whole thing typed up to share my experience on a different post, but decided it wasn't really the appropriate place.

DS1 (James, now age 5.5): I love my husband so much, but it was really rough on our marriage when our first son was born. I had a tear that wasn't too bad, but I had a reaction to the kind of stitches used, they rejected and ended up ripping out a few days PP, leaving me in a ton of pain for awhile. It was well over a week before I was getting in and out of bed comfortably. On top of that, I had mild PPA, and hormonal insomnia - literally did not sleep for the first five days, even though baby was sleeping just fine. So. Rough start anyways. Then my DH told me a about a week into this wretchedness that he was getting "really tired of waiting on me." Whenever I gave baby to DH to hold, so I could go to the bathroom or whatever, he gave him back as soon as I came back in the room. He changed diapers at first, but as soon as he was back to work he essentially told me that I wasn't contributing financially any more, so why would I ask him to change a diaper? Ha. Ha. Ha. Anyway, it was really tough - both because DH was a little immature and because I was, and I had trouble insisting on the help that I needed.

For example, when DS1 was a few weeks old and wouldn't sleep, and I was exhausted to the point of tears, I woke DH up to take a shift so I could get a couple hours of sleep. I shook him awake, sobbed that I needed a break, and his response was "Uch. I'm too tired. Just do it yourself." Mind that he was still on paternity leave at this point, and had no reason he couldn't sleep all day the next day if he wanted to. NOW I would have insisted, and I wish I had at the time, because years later I brought it (and several other incidences up) and my DH was horrified, doesn't remember them at all, and says I should have smacked him until he got up.

Things got easier as James got older. DH got better at interacting with him, but it did come up a number of times that he felt resentful or jealous because we EBF and he felt like James liked me better, and didn't like that he couldn't soothe his son... although, he never really tried either.

On top of this, we argued frequently about BFing (he wanted me to wean at a month, then a couple months, then six months - I insisted on at least a year, and then when a year came I insisted on two years), we argued about cosleeping (he'll still be sleeping with us when he's 30! haha), we argued about discipline and age-appropriate behavior... oh, it was rough. It started before babe was even born, arguing about circumcision. That first year was really tough and I found myself wondering if I was with the right partner.

But things got better with an older child.

Then came DS2 (Charlie, now age 3): So, James is 2.5. DH is older and being a dad has changed him and life has matured him... and Charlie is a different, less boob-fixated baby, which helped too. But things were different right off the bat. DH only had a weekend before going back to work, but he stayed up and soothed the baby, walking him and singing to him. He was much more likely to take the baby from me just to give me a break, more likely to try to soothe him before giving him to me to nurse... just more bonded right from the start. I also had a much easier recovery which also helped getting off to a good start. Things were so much better this time around. He still didn't change diapers, but this time he talked to me honestly about it - that he genuinely is bothered by it, by the poop, and he's sorry, he'll do it when he has to. I know to some that may sound eye roll worthy, or like he should suck it upk, but the truth is I /don't/ mind the poop, and having him be appreciative of the fact that I do it is good enough for me. He still was sometimes sad, even depressed, that my boobs were the only way to feed him/comfort him sometimes, and that he couldn't help much for overnights. But he took care of James overnight, which was hugely helpful.

It also helped that I, being older, and having matured greatly while raising DS1, did somewhat better at asking for help.

Now, DD (Ellie, 3 wonderful weeks old): Even better. Better and better. Within ten minutes of her being born he told me "I don't want to rush you... but I really, really need to hold her." For the ten days he had off, he held her at every opportunity, changed as many diapers as I did (!), gave her an evening bottle if she got fussy while I put the boys to bed. Since going back to work he still is just smitten with her. It's hard that he works through the day, she's usually asleep on his lunch break, and then in the evening he gets her for her fussy hours... but he's so patient, not getting frustrated, and apparently not taking it personally this time. He has been awesome about getting up with the boys when they wake in the night (Charlie's been having nightmares and frequent wakings, poor baby). It's been so wonderful. After James was born, my husband said that he was pretty wary about having another one ever... but that he really wanted not to have an only child. So then we had Charlie, and DH was done. No more kids. He loved his sons, but he was totally done, because the newborn stage is too hard. Then Ellie happened (surprise!) and... we're still all done, but it's been such a different, wonderful experience, that there's a part of me that's a little disappointed that this is our last, because it's so great seeing what a wonderful dad, and wonderful husband, and wonderful man that he's become over the past six years. He's grown up so much. And so have I. I am much better at asking for what I need, and MUCH better at not getting stressed or trying to "protect" DH from a fussy baby. We are so much better at communicating.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that it can get better. Peaceful and honest communication is key. And patience. I think it's pretty normal for the newborn stage to be tough for men (obviously not all men, and it'll differ between babies, but still). But it doesn't necessarily mean they aren't going to be a good dad.

jessa1228 · December 2014

@MuchlyGen‌ thank you so much for sharing. My H isn't too bad, but he's definitely exhibiting some of those behaviors. He thinks DS doesn't like him because he's always fussy when he's home (no, he's just extra fussy in the evenings) and he's a little resentful that I'm the sole source of sustenance for DS (although we're going to try introducing a bottle this weekend). I'm glad things got better for you and your H with each child.

hidingangel82 · December 2014

I have to admit that I am relieved to not be the only one going through this.
Thank you ladies for always being there to vent to/with!

rox825 · December 2014

My H is another who is not adjusting. He comes home from work and sits on his laptop and then complains that the baby doesn't like him. No, the baby doesn't know you cause you never spend time with him! What do you expect?? He only wants to interact if LO is happy, and his idea of trying to soothe him is sticking him in the swing and using the excuse I can't calm him down cause I don't have milk. Again, no, you can't calm him cause you've never taken the time to learn how. He's been fairly helpful with stuff around the house but with the baby he's just useless and it's really ticking me off.

ETA I just woke up from a morning nap with LO to hear H vacuuming downstairs without being asked, so he won back a bit of favor temporarily.
ETA 2 OMFG he just came upstairs and complained about how he can't deal with the dogs on his own and I need to help more. I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling him to eff off, I'm taking care of a human who demands my attention 24 hours a day, yes you damn well will deal with the dogs who demand your attention for 2 or 3 half hour playtimes!! I can't believe he had the nerve to complain and ask *me* to help *him*. Favor lost.

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