Separated from husband. Should he be my birthing partner?

smelliot83 · December 2014

Hey,

So my husband just recently told me he needs space from me. I'm 21 weeks pregnant with our second child.
We started counselling today and my husband mentioned during the session that he has all this ressentiment for me and is scared if we take that away he won't feel anything for me. Pretty heart breaking stuff. I feel like my rock has been taken from me and I'm drowning.
My question is: I have 4 and a half months before I give birth and I have this gut feeling I can't be vulnerable and in labour with someone who doesn't know if he loves me anymore and has completely distanced himself. Am I wrong at this point to not want him with me when I give birth? I feel like I need someone who loves me and is more of a rock.
I do also know my wounds are still very fresh and we are going to counselling but if something was to happen tomorrow (god forbid) I don't know if he could be my person.

delujm0 · December 2014

I recently had a friend in exactly this position. She did allow her estranged husband to be in the room, but i was there with her too. It was important to her (and to me) that she have someone who loves her in the room with her when she gave birth. And she didn't want to be alone with him but also didn't want to deprive him of the opportunity to see his child's birth.

If your hospital will allow it see I'd you can have two people in the delivery room with you and then ask a friend or relative to be there with you as well. I don't know what would have happened if she needed a c section bc I believe only one person is allowed in for surgery but that wasn't an issue fortunately.

Alygohome · December 2014

First off, I am extremely sorry you are going through this. A lot can change in four months. At one point in my marriage I almost threw in the towel, I felt that I didn't love my husband and that I resented him for things that had happened in our past. We got through it with lots of counselling and I realized my displeasure was from somewhere else in my life and I was taking it out/blaming it on him. I am hoping you guys can work through this and come out stronger in the end.

If it is not workable I would probably still allow him in the room but as pp said bring in a support person for you.

PrimRoseMama · December 2014

I would see if you can get a doula or another birth partner. The process & emotions associated with L&D are so intense. The last thing you need is added complications or drama.

I don't think it's wrong to want space from someone who has hurt you recently. He can always meet the baby ASAP, but labor needs to be your sanctuary.

blu-eyedwife · December 2014

I'm usually all about a father's rights. And I think it is very important to keep a father involved in their child's life. However, I also feel that being in the delivery room is a privilege, not a right. And who should be there depends on who the woman delivering a baby is comfortable with. This is the only area where I think the mom-to-be's wishes trumps all others. I don't think you need to decide this right now, as you said, you have 4.5 months. But if you relationship is still in this stage, or deteriorates, I would say that it would not be in your best interest to have him there.

janda426 · December 2014

I guess I'm in the minority that I don't think he has the right to be in there if he is putting you through all of this for the last half of your pregnancy. There's nothing saying he can't meet the baby like, immediately after it's born but during the labor process and that moment you first meet your child seems pretty intimate and could be awkward if the person who you made this child with doesnt even want to be with you anymore. You don't need all that.

lebradford · December 2014

You don't owe him anything. If you feel comfortable with him being there, that's great. If you don't, then don't let him in there. He can always see the baby afterwards. Either way I'd plan a back-up for support. I'm sorry you're going through this.

hetispagetti · December 2014

If he is the father yes I think he should be there. Unless anyone is abusive then I see no reason why not! You don't owe him anything other than the fact it's his child as well as yours!

nf0kss · December 2014

i understna what you are going through. Me and SO are going through some serious stuff right now and I'm not sure if I want him there. But truthfully, don't worry about it right now Focus on you and your LO. the answer will come to you in time.....when it feels right. Praying for you..its all going to work out.

mlindzz · December 2014

Doing what's best for you, will also be best for the baby.

You also don't need to decide now, do you? Maybe you could tell him you won't know what will be best for you and the baby until closer to the delivery date? And while focusing on healing your relationship, you can also consider you other options for delivery support if it's needed.

When it comes time for you to make a decision, if he isn't 100% supportive and you can't be guaranteed that he'll provide you with the emotional support you (and baby) will need, I would ask someone else to be in the room with you instead. I can't imagine it being easy to lean on an 'ex' this way at such a vulnerable time. The last thing you need while being in labour is having to worry about someone else's needs or feelings.

If you decide to let him be in the room because you felt obligated or guilty, that can effect your delivery, which is turn can have significant consequences on your baby and his or her birth.

A sacrifice he might need to make it being supportive of your needs, and waiting outside with integrity.

Although you'll be in my thoughts and prayers, hopefully this is just a bump in the road and you two will be back together before baby arrives.

jhodgesl91 · December 2014

I'm in the same situation. Our plan is for him to be around as much as he wants during labor. He will be allowed to cut the cord and all that, although I would only suggest this if you guys are on good terms. If I was unhappy being around my child's father he would not be in the room with me but in the waiting room or hallway. That's just me though.

KonaCoffeeBean · December 2014

(A) He does not have the "right" to be there. (B) Mother's emotional state can have an impact on the length and safety of the labor, so you do what you need to.

blush64 · December 2014

I agree with everyone who says he does not have the right to be in the room with you. He can see the baby right after.

If it were me I would want to be as emotionally comfortable as possible during labour and delivery. I would want a support person with me but I would not feel ok with him there. If some women can do it that's great for them but doesn't mean every women should.

I don't think he has a right to expect it., it is partly his child but it is your body. Take your time thinking about it and don't let anyone pressure you to allow someone in there who might make it more difficult or uncomfortable for you. This is one place you should put yourself first and be concerned with what works for you, not him. A father's rights are incredibly important but don't trump your rights.

wlrtimes2 · December 2014

I agree with PP. Most L&D units will allow more than 1 person to accompany you during delivery. I would personally pick someone to be your labor support that you love and can count on completely. Then when the day comes if you choose to have him there as a guest, you have that option. But you won't be relying on him as your only support.

So sorry you are going through this! That must be so difficult!

Whitfry · December 2014

What does your support system look like? Mom? Doula? Sisters? Friends? I think it's incredibly important to only allow people who will support and encourage you to be present at your birth.

Who knows what category your SO will fall in by the time you go into labor? I wouldn't make any decisions at this point. Keep working on things if you're inclined to. But if things aren't better by the time you go into labor, there is no way I would let him in the room.

Father's rights ARE important. But YOU are going to be the one doing the work. If you are feeling over stressed or uncomfortable it could stall your labor and lead to complications. I don't see why he couldn't meet the baby once it's born and bond then.

I'm definitely in the "it's a privilege, not a right" camp here. But I wouldn't make up my mind just yet. I'd stay open minded and continue to work towards healing your relationship. Lots can change in a few months!

Anne Mommy · December 2014

PPs have said almost everything. Just wanted to add that you should talk with your LD nurse. They can be great bouncers if you want to keep people away. They can also help you figure out what happens if he is there but becomes a problem.

Sportzchck · January 2015

I am so soryr you are gong through this but I would consider holding off saying anything until you are closer to delivery. A lot can change in the coming months!

taboullio84 · January 2015

If you don't want in there during your personal moments he shouldn't be in there. He can wait outside till they allow him in. He chose not to be a family. He can live with whatever that brings with it. I don't feel sorry for him not being in that room . you need support. Not the face of heartbreak

Knottie24390659 · January 2015

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, pregnancy is hard enough when you have someone who is supportive.
Honestly this is your call, I'm a very black and white person and painfully independent my thought is if you don't know what you want, don't know if you want to be with me? Then I'll make that decision for you and you can leave.
Just keep in mind that it hasn't been that long that they have allowed men to be in the delivery room, I love the idea of a doula, but also a sister or close friend. Even your mom if you have that kind of relationship
I hope you don't feel obligated to have him be there just because he's your husband, giving birth is very emotional as well all know.
Do what's best for you and your baby. Everyone has offered great advice here, I hope it helps.

FirstTimeDaddy81 · January 2015

As a man, I can't imagine not being in the delivery room with my wife when our baby is born. Even if she and I fell out of love and separated, I would do anything I could to help make her comfortable and be there for her during that experience.

However, I realize that a lot of guys aren't like me, and many couples that split up can't be in the same room without screaming at each other. The number one priority has to be that you feel comfortable giving birth. If you don't feel like he will give you the support you need, then have your mom, your sister, or your best friend in there with you.

lizzypoo96 · January 2015

You have a long time to decide this. So much can happen...

What are you more likely to regret if you end up getting back together?

What are you more likely to regret if you stay apart?

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Separated from husband. Should he be my birthing partner?

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