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January 2015 Moms
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MIL Holiday Rant

MrsFaFa2MrsFaFa2 member
in January 2015 Moms
Last year: So last year my MIL made a big, no...huge deal about how important Christmas Eve is to her. She "reserved" us in July. It is her favorite holiday blah blah blah. It was news to me AND my husband. So we made our plans to spend Christmas Eve with them and Christmas Day with my family. We had to switch things around with my husbands ex wife so that my step kids would spend Xmas Eve with us. She said she wanted to do the Feast of the Seven Fishes have a big celebration family dinner with my SIL and her two kids (who live with my inlaws) and the four of us. I cooked my ass off last year for this event made homemade pasta, cappeletti soup, homemade canoli. We get there and and she made a turkey...and a piece of salmon. (Uuummm. Not 7 fishes). No big deal. It ended up being a horrible dinner because my 2 nephews and my SIL have No manners and are very disrespectful. It just blew my mind. So this year I made arrangements to have my step kids for Xmas Eve again this year, because it ment so much to her. (I feel like I had to sell my soul to make it happen). I waited and waited for my MIL to mention Xmas Eve and nothing. So a few weeks ago I ask her what was going on and she said "oh...well the boys (my SIL' s kids) are going to be with their father this year. I wasn't planning on doing anything". I kind of lost it...I said I thought that it was your favorite holiday, the most important day, that you start planning for next years Xmas Eve right after New Years?" I said since you made such a big deal about it last year I made arrangements to have the kids again this year. She stuttered well I guess I could do Christmas Eve. I don't want people to think I bullied her, she makes me crazy, because she disregards my step kids all the time and has complete focus on her other two grand children. My nephew told me that she bought them the new xbox the other day as an early christmas gift....she heard him telling me that over the phone and I heard her in the background telling him not to say anything. Later that night I got an email from her asking what I thought the kids would wan in the $30-$40 range. Are you kidding me? There is so much disfunction and after typing this rant, I don't even want to go to their house, especially because I can't drink.
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Re: MIL Holiday Rant

  • MrsFaFa2MrsFaFa2 member
    @emmyg65‌ we had discussed last year that we would make Christmas Eve with the family an annual thing so I made the necessary arrangements with the kids mom. Maybe I should have confirmed with them. Especially because they don't have a great track record of following through with what they say.
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  • idontevenknowidontevenknow member
    I'm usually always team MIL... mainly because I know my SIL doesn't love my mom and it makes me sad. I dunno what else to say...

     

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  • Josie400Josie400 member
    I hate the whole "everyone's gift should be equally priced" thing. Gifts are gifts. It's up to the gift giver to decide what to give and the price of the gift. $30-$40 per kid is still very generous.
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  • 4littlebears4littlebears member
    lavet22 said:

    The gift giving discrepancy is what my problem is.  If I thought my kids were being treated unfairly, I'd have a huge problem with it.  Kids reach an age where they realize that a $30 gift is NOT a new XBOX and they can have hurt feelings over it.  It's not about the money at all, it's about how SIL's kids are obviously favored over your step-kids.  I think it was a nice gesture to arrange to have your step kids so MIL can celebrate "her day."  I think it's very obvious you are a great step-mom and your big problem here is that MIL seems to not consider them and only thinks of SIL and her kids.

    Yeah, I get it too. Sorry she's so one sided with her grand kids. My MIL can't afford expensive gifts for anyone, but she definitely spoils SIL's kid over ours. It's always DS' fault when he fights with his cousin, even when our nephew is attacking DS. Not fun to deal with. DH doesn't put up with it either. Hopefully you can enjoy the holiday with her still!
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  • Josie400Josie400 member
    But gifts are not about comparison. Yes that sends up inevitably happening, but my point is no one is entitled to a gift.
    If OPs kids get less stuff from grandma and OP feels bad, she can bring more gifts for the kids to open in front of their cousins to make them jealous of that's what it's about. Grandma gets to decide how to spend her money.
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  • MrsFaFa2MrsFaFa2 member
    I am probably a terrible story teller. All 4 of her grand kids are teenagers so they pick up on a $30 gift vs. a several hundred dollar gift. It happens year after year, when my step kids were younger it was very awkward to try to make an excuse as to why their cousins got a Nintendo ds and they got a $30 gift card to walmart. Fortunately our kids don't really care now, but as a parent it is hard to see. But no matter what they get, they always wite a thank you note. I did offer to have something at my house but she declined. My husbands family is very disjointed and kind of live in lala land. I have made several attempts to bring the family together, leave the negativity and the hatred of my SIL's ex husband at the door. ( I never met the man but they have been divorced for 9 years and he is always the topic of conversation). For example at thanksgiving I thought it would be a good idea to go around the table and say what we were thankful for. It ended up blowing up in my face. Right in the middle of my husbands turn my SIL pulls out her phone and starts making a phone call at the dinner table, my nephews were fighting and it was a mess. And by the time my SS turn came everyone was getting up to go watch TV. It is always chaos. I try so hard for my husband and my step kids, but it is always a let down. It amazes me that my husband came from this family. @laziestdaisy‌ I always try to get together without the SIL and her kids, but some how some way they end up showing up. My MIL & FIL aren't too bad when they are by themselves, but when the SIL gets involved she takes all attention away from our kids. I can't wait to see the dynamic with the new baby, I guess we will see in a few weeks.
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  • HStrawberryHStrawberry member
    llambrose said:

    motherboy said:

    Josie400 said:

    But gifts are not about comparison. Yes that sends up inevitably happening, but my point is no one is entitled to a gift.
    If OPs kids get less stuff from grandma and OP feels bad, she can bring more gifts for the kids to open in front of their cousins to make them jealous of that's what it's about. Grandma gets to decide how to spend her money.

    Sure people get to decide how to spend their money but showing that level of favoritism through gifts is bullshit. And it makes someone a bad grandparent. My parents and grandparents always kept things as equal as possible with my sisters and i. Why wouldn't you when you acknowledge that the discrepancy inevitably leads to resentment and hurt feelings? Why do that to kids? To prove that you cab do what you want with your money? That's shitty.
    I have to agree, yes, you can decide how to spend your money but when you are an adult and have grand kids I think you should try to keep things as equal as possible.

    A little story about one of the most hurtful things I have ever experienced. My dad's mom was never very nice to me and my siblings. She resented the fact that my parents had to move out of state for my dad's job (this happened before we were born). We lived about 6 hours away and she always favored my cousins who lived closer. Sometimes when we would visit we would all go to tour this nearby doll factory that made these beautiful, super expensive dolls. My sister and I dreamed of being able to have one someday, we were even ok with sharing one. We never expected one by any means, we knew they were expensive. My mom also taught us to always be polite and thankful for any gift that we got. So one Christmas we get to my Aunt's and my grandma makes a point to tell us to go to my cousin's room and see what she got her for Christmas. We go in and on the bed is one of those dolls. My sister and I couldn't believe it and because on my other side of the family, my grandma always made sure things were equal, my sister and I thought that maybe this meant we would get one too. Time came to open gifts and we opened up ours. We each got one of the "Barbie" dolls in a plastic bag from the dollar store. We were crushed. I can remember my probably 7 year old self thanking her for the gift and excusing myself to the bathroom where I cried a little and composed myself. As an adult, the problem is not that she bought her the doll, that was her decision to make but that she made it a point that we saw the doll and got our hopes up the way she did. It just seems so cruel to me to this day. That kind of thing sticks with a kid, we didn't need to know that she bought her a $200 doll and then spent a $1 each on us but for some reason she wanted us to know. As an adult, and a grandparent I think you have a responsibility to try to be as fair as possible even if you have favorites.

    Exactly this! My parents and grandparents have always been fair with my sister and I and amongst our cousins. My family didn't have tons of money but I never once felt slighted or less loved. There just wasn't any favoritism. They always put a ton of thought into our gifts and made them very special. I will definitely strive to do that with our future kids.
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  • Samiantha101Samiantha101 member
    Situations, and ultimately relationships aren't always equal. My mother spends tons more on my niece and nephew than my daughter. I am completely fine with this, because my niece and nephew have shitbag parents. How your mil spends her money is up to her.
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  • britb618britb618 member
    I'm sorry. The whole situation is pretty crappy. Like emmy said above, your prob better off pulling back because you can't control who they are. 

    But just wanted to point out, and this may not be true, that perhaps the reason your MIL spends more on her other grandkids is because as you have mentioned she thinks their father is a jerk and your sister in law lives with them so clearly they need help. She may just feel like you and your husband have got it together (which is a complement to you) and that she needs to spend the extra time and money on those kids because they aren't getting it from their parents. 

    For example, My mom and step father have four kids between them and at different times they do different things for each of us. It may not always be "equal" but they give to us what each of us "needs". One of my sisters is marrying a very rich guy and we are going on a family vaca in April. I know for a fact my mom is paying for our flights and my brothers flight because we do not make a ton of money and since I have kids $1100 flights for family vacation would be too much for us right now, but as far as I know they haven't offered and probably won't offer to cover the flights of my step sister. Not because they don't love her, but because her and her husband don't need it to be able to join everyone on vacation. Before she met this guy though they funded all trips for her whereas her sister who was financially stable always paid her own way. Sorry to go off on a tangent just wanted to let you know that it may be possible that as for the gifts and the time she spends with certain grandkids is in relation to their needs and not favoritism at all. But I could be completely off on this and if so then I'm sorry because showing favoritism does suck! 
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  • MrsFaFa2MrsFaFa2 member
    Well, my SIL has a fantastic job and makes great money, her kids are spoiled beyond what any kid should be. They go on vacations all the time. She takes advantage of my inlaws , pays nothing to live there and minimally contributes to any household expenses. My inlaws don't have a ton of money, they are retired but my FIL has a part time job (probably just to get away from the crazy). But they enable her. It is quite sad. I would love nothing more to pull back on my relationship with them, but they are my husbands parents.
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