Question for STM 's!

Samuelismomma · December 2014

I'm having cerclage out either tomorrow or next week and will probably have DD. Starting to freak a little

I have been sahm with DS his whole life. Was the change with the two a big deal? I feel it will effect our closeness, and bond. I love DD obvious but does the love multiply, like they say? Hope I don't sound like a nut job! Lol could be pregnancy hormones ranging and the contractions:)

caybeh · December 2014

First of all, yay!

Second, my second is 4 months. I didn't find the transition to two to be that bad. It was/is definitely an adjustment. DS is 2.5 and has done really well overall with the adjustment. He has his moments, sure. But he loves his sister and that bond is so sweet to see. Yes, my love for both kids has multiplied.

It is busier and I have less time to myself. That is hard some days. DH is really good about taking over with DS when he comes home. That helps a lot.

GL and congrats!

Samuelismomma · December 2014

My DS is 2 1/2 also! Thanks for your response. I think her coming a little soon has caused me to freak a little.

i am hoping they have a great bond too!

vettymama · December 2014

Congratulations! DS1 was 16 months when DS2 was born. Now they are 2 and 8 months and have a great bond already! There is an adjustment period but I didn't find the transition from 1 to 2 that hard at all. I had a more difficult time when DS1 was born. There will be tough days but it's just a day and tomorrow will be better. If you're having a rough time, don't be afraid to ask for help. And yes, your love does multiply

more than you could ever imagine.

willowprincess · December 2014

Going to 2 is freaking awesome! My second wasn't preemie (first was), but he had a condition that required surgery and weekly hospital visits.

The biggest thing I found was recognizing that I couldn't attend to both of them all the time. I had to take care of one while the other waited. And that's okay. Sometimes your older one needs you first, sometimes the baby needs you first. Neither will be permanently traumatized for waiting a bit.

Also, (as you can) let the sibling be involved with the baby. Helping with them is a good way, but also just making it known that it is their baby too. If they wanted to hold the baby, they did. If they wanted to share with the baby, we let them. This was all with our supervision and intervention as needed.

My kids are best friends now and watching them interact is one of my favorite things of being a parent.

mandymack · December 2014

My kids are 5 years apart so I didn't experience the traditional, to-be-expected rough transition to having a toddler and then a newborn but I'm sure you'll do FINE and they will bond over time, just like mine have! Now that the little one is 3.5yrs, he can really play and follow directions and E loves having a play mate at home (she's 8yr)!

Good luck!

Knottie48097161 · December 2014

1 to 2 was a lot easier than 0-1. I had your same fears then again with my third. But yes you will fall in love with this little one too.

mrscutforth · December 2014

DS was 19 almost 20 months when DD arrived. I made sure to include him in everything with her. Diaper change, bath time, giving her morning and bedtime kisses. I would lay her on the floor and still do and he shows her all his toys and sometimes hares them with her. When she's crying he pats her back to try and calm her down.

So my advice is to include big sibling in everything with the new baby.

Samuelismomma · December 2014

Thanks guys this has helped me so much! I have the pregnancy hormones too so I think that's part of the worry and crying:)

Meery82 · December 2014

mandymack said:

My kids are 5 years apart so I didn't experience the traditional, to-be-expected rough transition to having a toddler and then a newborn but I'm sure you'll do FINE and they will bond over time, just like mine have! Now that the little one is 3.5yrs, he can really play and follow directions and E loves having a play mate at home (she's 8yr)!

Good luck!

@mandymack, how did you feel about that age difference? If everything goes as planned, my kids will be at least 4 years apart.

mandymack · December 2014

@meery82 I seriously CANNOT say enough truly positive things about it!

First, as a SAHM, it was such an amazing, restful, productive 2 years when E went to Preschool (I was pregnant the 2nd year) and I was home without kids from 9-1pm every day. It was just the "break" I needed to refresh myself and gear up to have another baby. Not everyone needs this, it was just something I needed.

Then, she started Kindergarten weeks after D was born and was again gone from 8:20am-2pm every day so it was like having only one child at home all day. I really got that built-in quality time with D that all parents strive for! Then, when she got home, we all played together, and while D naps (still to this day we have this routine), I help E with her homework for the first 30-40min then, it's just she and I for our quality time. She's 8yr so right now we spend time playing Pokemon, making friendship bracelets, getting out he science kits and building with her Lego Friends kits.

In the evenings, even since D was born because she was 5yrs at the time, she's almost 100% self-sufficient so I can leave her in the bath tub to wash her own hair/body and get herself out (not so much at 5yr but definitely now), she can put on her PJs, brush her teeth, play by herself, unmake her bed, etc. while I put D to bed. He's 3.5yrs now and I still put him to bed first so I can end my days with E. We do all read books together and play just before bed but once he's down, it's just E and I to talk about school, make sure she's ready for the next day, check her backpack, make her lunch (she helps!), etc. It's so nice to have an older kid that can just "be" when I need her to.

On weekends and non-school days, they are still close enough in age to enjoy the same things. Before D was 2yrs, we just took E to all her favorite places and he tagged along in the Ergo/stroller: zoo, aquarium, park, riding bikes, bounce houses, children's museums, the beach, etc. Once D hit 2yrs, he was able to really enjoy things as well. E is *almost* too old for some of the indoor "baby" play places so I just take D to those during the week when she's at school.

All kids are different but I also found there was no jealousy from E when D was born. She was older, with her own friends and interests, and treated D like a pet, almost. ha! She's never felt threatened and LOVES that fact that she gets "big girl" stuff like a later bed time, play dates at friend's houses, and even movie time on Friday nights when D is in bed. She really feels special that she and DH get to do things together when D naps on Sat/Sun. That's probably her favorite 4hrs every week!

When DH works late, which is daily, and often has to work weekends, I personally don't feel as exhausted and frustrated with both kids for extended period of times, as some of my friends with 2-3 kids close in age feel (not all, just some) because E is happy to play in her room alone or go busy herself outside or be dropped off at a friend's house while I am needing to watch/entertain/tend to D most of the time. I've never had two kids "needing" me at the same time. For me, this works best because I'm just not that super patient mom. I have friends who are, they are amazing with their 4 kids under age 5yrs. I would die.

Thanks for asking, it's been nice to recount this part of my life! If you have any specific questions, ask anytime, I love being able to bond and share with other women here.

Meery82 · December 2014

mandymack said:

@meery82 I seriously CANNOT say enough truly positive things about it!

First, as a SAHM, it was such an amazing, restful, productive 2 years when E went to Preschool (I was pregnant the 2nd year) and I was home without kids from 9-1pm every day. It was just the "break" I needed to refresh myself and gear up to have another baby. Not everyone needs this, it was just something I needed.

Then, she started Kindergarten weeks after D was born and was again gone from 8:20am-2pm every day so it was like having only one child at home all day. I really got that built-in quality time with D that all parents strive for! Then, when she got home, we all played together, and while D naps (still to this day we have this routine), I help E with her homework for the first 30-40min then, it's just she and I for our quality time. She's 8yr so right now we spend time playing Pokemon, making friendship bracelets, getting out he science kits and building with her Lego Friends kits.

In the evenings, even since D was born because she was 5yrs at the time, she's almost 100% self-sufficient so I can leave her in the bath tub to wash her own hair/body and get herself out (not so much at 5yr but definitely now), she can put on her PJs, brush her teeth, play by herself, unmake her bed, etc. while I put D to bed. He's 3.5yrs now and I still put him to bed first so I can end my days with E. We do all read books together and play just before bed but once he's down, it's just E and I to talk about school, make sure she's ready for the next day, check her backpack, make her lunch (she helps!), etc. It's so nice to have an older kid that can just "be" when I need her to.

On weekends and non-school days, they are still close enough in age to enjoy the same things. Before D was 2yrs, we just took E to all her favorite places and he tagged along in the Ergo/stroller: zoo, aquarium, park, riding bikes, bounce houses, children's museums, the beach, etc. Once D hit 2yrs, he was able to really enjoy things as well. E is *almost* too old for some of the indoor "baby" play places so I just take D to those during the week when she's at school.

All kids are different but I also found there was no jealousy from E when D was born. She was older, with her own friends and interests, and treated D like a pet, almost. ha! She's never felt threatened and LOVES that fact that she gets "big girl" stuff like a later bed time, play dates at friend's houses, and even movie time on Friday nights when D is in bed. She really feels special that she and DH get to do things together when D naps on Sat/Sun. That's probably her favorite 4hrs every week!

When DH works late, which is daily, and often has to work weekends, I personally don't feel as exhausted and frustrated with both kids for extended period of times, as some of my friends with 2-3 kids close in age feel (not all, just some) because E is happy to play in her room alone or go busy herself outside or be dropped off at a friend's house while I am needing to watch/entertain/tend to D most of the time. I've never had two kids "needing" me at the same time. For me, this works best because I'm just not that super patient mom. I have friends who are, they are amazing with their 4 kids under age 5yrs. I would die.

Thanks for asking, it's been nice to recount this part of my life! If you have any specific questions, ask anytime, I love being able to bond and share with other women here.

Thanks so much for sharing all this. I will come to you with any future questions. This really makes me feel a lot better about our family plans.

jlpev · December 2014

CurlingRocks said:
Well, I had a lot of the same nerves before DD came along. It is a lot harder having 2 kids than 1, but I felt like I transitioned better from 1-2 than from 0-1 because I already knew how to be a mom. I found it helpful to read to DS while BFing DD and find at least 5 min. a day to give him my undivided attention. I also made a point to tell DD "You'll have to wait while I finish XYZ with DS," which meant nothing to baby DD but meant a lot to 2 year old DS. My relationship changed with DS, but I don't consider it a negative change, just different.

GL with your labor!

This & good luck!

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