How did you know you were ready to try again?

baileyse26 · December 2014

I'm new to this board and have been reading and commenting on some posts but I'm still not sure how I fit in here. I only had my d&c yesterday so I wouldn't say I'm quite ttcal yet, but I'm still trying to figure out when. How did you ladies know you were ready to try again? With the emotional turmoil of a loss, I just don't know how to prepare myself to try again and how to not be absolutely terrified for another loss. My fiancé is ready to try after waiting the 2 months after a d&c but I just don't know how I can.

ctk181 · December 2014

Welcome. I'm so sorry for your loss. As for when to start trying again, I don't think anyone can give you a real answer and you won't even know yourself until you are there. Many women here have given the advice that you know you're ready to try again when the desire to TTC outweighs your fear of another loss. I think that is the best way to approach it. As far as when that may actually be that differs from person to person. And the fear of another loss never goes away, it just kind of becomes less intense. The most important things are to follow your doctor's advice and to give yourself the time you need to heal physically and emotionally. I know it is hard but please be kind and patient with yourself. Everything feels so overwhelming right after a loss and you feel like it will never get better but it does, it just takes time. ((Hugs))

MrsOscarFelix · December 2014

We had a thread A couple weeks ago about this and I believe some one ( I don't recall who) said they knew they were ready when the their happiness/excitement/feelings of another pregnancy outweighed their fear of a loss (something along these lines). Somebody correct me if I'm wrong. I thought this was a really great way to think about it and I know I really took that to heart and thought about it for awhile. However I do agree with @ctk181‌ that you won't really know yourself until you are there. It is different for everyone. She gave you a lot of great advice and I agree wholeheartedly with what she said. GL with your TTCAL journey whatever you decide to do. I hope you stick around there are a lot of great women here that know what your going through and can help give you support.

scoutmaxwell · December 2014

That's great advice. I thought I would be ready to try again as soon as possible, but now I find the weeks going by and me just not being ready to really go for it after all...

mflowers929 · December 2014

It definitely is different for everyone - some are ready to try right away, some wait for a while. The important thing is to feel comfortable with your decision and not let anyone else make it for you, even your partner. Definitely talk to your fiance about how you're feeling and make sure that you keep him in the loop so to speak.

For me, I was very much like @crimpgirl‌. I was able to mentally separate the miscarriage from a possible future pregnancy and so was ready to try again right away. However, I fully understand that not everyone's minds work that way and so advocate whatever is right for you.

rmpar29 · December 2014

I know it's kind of a crappy answer, but you will just know when you are emotionally ready. If you are questioning whether or not you are ready, then you probably aren't. When you can look in the mirror and say "Yes, I want and can do this" then you are ready.

Physically, that's your doctor's realm and he/she will have to tell you when you can try again.

jms627 · December 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. Pretty much echoing what the previous posters have all said. When I first miscarried, I initially wanted to try again immediately, because I thought it would fill some void. Then I realized I was still crying every day and mourning the loss, and all I could think about is how terrified I was that it would happen again. I'm at a place now where I can rationally separate that pregnancy from a potential future one. And whereas before all I could see was the fear of a future miscarriage, now I'm feeling excited and hopeful. The good thoughts about it have outweighed the bad, so to speak. Best of luck to you as your recover. Be gentle with yourself!

welly01 · December 2014

Everyone has given great advice. I think the statement "your desire for a child outweighs your fear of loss" is an accurate statement.

I hope @PinkCamino doesn't mind if I quote her. I just loved what she said so much.

"The reality of the situation is the same for everyone. We cannot control the outcome. We cannot control when we get pregnant or whether we'll have another loss (save for medical issues - always have those investigated and treated). With that in mind, what's the point of waiting beyond whatever time frame your doc suggested? You'll never actually be carefree and 100% ready to TTC. You'll never look at this process the same way and you'll ever be 100% comfortable with the risk of having another loss. You can wait 6 months, a year, or even 10, the facts are that you can't change the outcome then either.

Clearly, if you want to take a few months to grieve and heal then do so. But, avoiding TTC because of that fear and waiting X amount of months wont actually change the level or nature of that anxiety. It'll just prolong and mask it until you decide you're ready."

CMDD · December 2014

I think if you're wondering when you'll be ready, that just means you are not ready yet. I'm in the same exact place as you- had my op last Tuesday and just saw my doctor to check in yesterday. I've been wondering when we will feel ready again, and I realized I cant plan the future- I won't know until I know. So, for now, I'm on birth control and am just taking it day by day.

This whole process is such a roller coaster, every day is different. So my advice is just take it day by day and see how you feel. Take so much care of yourself and do what you feel you need to heal.

kreardon11 · December 2014

I think this is a very hard question.

I had my second D&C of the year a week ago tomorrow. The first one was rough in the physical sense. The second one was rough in that I thought I was ready to move on immediately, but, ding-dong, my emotions showed up and I'm having an incredibly hard time with the acceptance part of the miscarriage. DH and I have decided to love on ourselves a little longer this time until we feel confident in our medical plan. Since it was our second loss, we have a different path this time. In general though, I completely agree that when your want for another one outweighs the pain of possibly going through it again, that's when you know you're ready. But know that every one is different. Be sure your partner is ready as well.

kreardon11 · December 2014

wellybug said:

Everyone has given great advice. I think the statement "your desire for a child outweighs your fear of loss" is an accurate statement.
I hope @PinkCamino doesn't mind if I quote her. I just loved what she said so much.
"The reality of the situation is the same for everyone. We cannot control the outcome. We cannot control when we get pregnant or whether we'll have another loss (save for medical issues - always have those investigated and treated). With that in mind, what's the point of waiting beyond whatever time frame your doc suggested? You'll never actually be carefree and 100% ready to TTC. You'll never look at this process the same way and you'll ever be 100% comfortable with the risk of having another loss. You can wait 6 months, a year, or even 10, the facts are that you can't change the outcome then either.

Clearly, if you want to take a few months to grieve and heal then do so. But, avoiding TTC because of that fear and waiting X amount of months wont actually change the level or nature of that anxiety. It'll just prolong and mask it until you decide you're ready."

Wow. @PinkCamino, this is the best advice I've ever read. Hands down. It really hit home for me. Thank you.

ImJessesGirl · December 2014

First, I am so so very sorry for your loss.

To answer your question, for myself, and myself only, I never didn't think it was time. I knew the moment I miscarried that I would want to try again. I had to have some things done and was forcibly benched for a few months, but I knew that as soon as I could, we would try again.

However, I think everyone is different and every experience is different. Take the time you need and make the decision that is right for you.

MellyMel15 · December 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss. My husband and I are about to start TTC again. I had a D&C (it was my first loss) on Sept. 30 and just got my second AF last week.

I am excited and very scared to try again. For me, at least, I've accepted the loss and am just ready to move forward. Trying again doesn't mean I'm disregarding or forgetting what happened-- I'll always remember the little baby that could have been and she/he will always occupy a special place in my heart.

Like the other women have said on here, I think you will just know when you're ready.

raelynn71109 · December 2014

I'm sorry for your loss.

At first my doctor told me I would only be benched for one month and I thought I would be ready to try again right away. But then I had to have a second D&C for retained tissue and was advised to TTA for an additional two months. However, once I was cleared medically, I found that I just wasn't ready emotionally. I was still really struggling with my grief and had a lot of anxiety about TTC again. I wanted a baby, but wasn't ready to handle the emotions that would come with being pregnant again. Then one day it just hit me that I was ready. I was finally at a point where I felt I was strong enough to handle the emotions and anxiety that would come with being PgAL.

Manada · December 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss.

For us, we had a really long road to getting pregnant the first time so time is not on our side in terms of waiting. This was a huge consideration for us and pushed us to really make a plan to try again much sooner than we might otherwise have (We are coming up on 6 months post-loss now, and this is our first TTCAL cycle), our timelines are also dictated a bit by the infertility process and treatments.

Otherwise, we really had to really ask ourselves if we thought we could handle another disappointment, and if we could potentially open ourselves up to that love again.   Those were some of the biggest questions we had and we did a few joint sessions with a therapist to figure it out.    For me, I couldn't consider pregnancy again for myself right now - and I don't think I could do it until I deal with some of that as well as get more medical answers.   We are trying to get my partner pregnant now, and so that helps for me, but I realize it's not an option for most couples!

bfonz619 · December 2014

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss and send positive thoughts your way. The advice given on this thread is amazing.

Nikolie93 · December 2014

Everyone already has voiced my thoughts so I won't add anything else but I REALLY love what PinkCamino said. So very true.

I wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss and good luck with your physical and mental healing *hug*

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