20-month-old not sleeping - long

RibbitGrl930 · December 2014

So DS has had many nights where he will not sleep through the night. Sometimes it takes multiple attempts to get him to respond to something- food, water, popsicle for teething, soothing,- before he'll go down. My parents suggested one night, after he refused to stay down, but was playful and refused food or drink when out in the living room, that he was just throwing a tantrum to get out of going to sleep and to just let him cry it out in his crib. The insinuation was that he's learned that we'll come running every time he cries, whether he needs something or not Well, he eventually calmed down and went to sleep that night. I thought my husband was on board with it when nearly the same thing happened a few days later, he said, "Well, holding him isn't doing any good, so we may as well just put him down." Tantrum lasted all of 45 minutes and he fell asleept.

Fast forward to tonight (about 1-1/2 weeks later). DS cries, we get him up to change his diaper, feed him (he hadn't eaten much at dinner), gave him some drink and offered a popsicle, which he turned down. He actually started playing and laughing, so I put him down to bed. He went down without a fight, but he rolled off his Angelcare pad after about 20 so the alarm went off. Normally he rolls back onto it, but he didn't so I went in there thinking either he'd stopped breathing ir was so deep in sleep he was just staying put. Well, he wasn't either, and when I left the room, he threw another tantrum. DH insists on getting him because "Just leaving him in bed isn't doing anything." Also, when I suggest we just ride it out because he's gone on like this for an hour before, DH says, "Crying for an hour is not a tantrum. It means something is wrong." He goes in and holds him for about 20 minutes and he stays down the rest of the night.

I agree with my DH In that it's really difficult- and sometimes useless- to do nothing, and I'm terrified of letting it go when something could be wrong- like maybe he's scared and just wants mom or dad. I'm also scared to teach DS that he can get out of sleeping just by crying. Am i way off base? Or is there some kind of compromise? I'm just nervous that, either way I'm doing something wrong. HELP!
Edit: the problem is middle of the night wakings. He will go down normally and fall asleep within a few minutes. What I'm struggling with is him waking up in the middle of the night and not going back to sleep. Just clarifying in case that influences any advice.

ashiscute · December 2014

OK so your LO is 20 mos? IMO that means you should be able to put him down for bed for the night and not have to worry about feeding him or changing him. I don't change my LOs diapers in the middle of the night once they 4 or 5 mos old. I also would not offer him food at night regardless of what he ate at dinner. You could be teaching him that bedtime is an appropriate time for food but it is not and he does not need to be eating. There are lots of nights my kids eat 1 bite at dinner and sleep through the night fine.

I personally like Ferber as I think that's an effective way of teaching your LO to sleep. You put your LO down for bed per the normal routine and leave the room. After 3 mins of crying go and check on him but leave before he is asleep. Then 5 minutes, 7 minutes etc. I really like Ferber's Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems because it gives a lot of information on sleep and associations and really explains things well.

Do you have any reason to assume there is a real problem your LO isn't sleeping? It sounds more likely to me that he is just used to all of the soothing techniques of food, water, popsicles when he should be going to sleep.

RibbitGrl930 · December 2014

N o, I wouldn't say we have reason to think there's some pathological problem. ...but both DH and I are afraid there might be a discomfort issue (hunger, teething, etc) and are afraid to ignore it. Truth be told, DS was sleeping just fine for months. He got dinner, play time, and sometimes a bath. We'd put him down tired but awake around 7:30 or 8 and he'd sleep through the night. But that's gone out the window since late October. He's had stretches of a few nights in a row where he'll sleep through the night, then it's back to fighting.

I think DH is just so convinced that DS is only crying because something is wrong that he thinks doing nothing is not an option. And like I said before, I'm nervous to ignore discomfort if there's something really wrong.

Also, I should clarify : he usually does not fight us when we initially put him down. He goes down calmly and fall asleep within a few minutes. It's the middle of the night we have this struggle. It just occurred to me my first post did not make that clear.

ashiscute · December 2014

Ok I didn't realize it was a middle of the night issue. I sincerely do not believe it's a hunger issue. If it's teething it's not likely it would be going on for weeks off and on. Does he seem happy during the day? If his daytime behavior indicates no issue and he goes to sleep ok I would be less worried about that.

I always go in my LOs rooms when they wake up in the middle of the night for comfort. But I try to keep my visits to a couple of minutes of soothing before I head back to bed. I don't stay in there for ages.

I thinks you and YH need to sit down and discuss this while it's not happening and come up with a plan on how to deal with it. I would still do what I suggested above. Once you have a plan in place you need to stick to it and be consistent. It's normal for kids to go through periods where they wake up in the middle of the night and need assurance. It just doesn't sound like you are dealing with it consistent. I would offer no food and certainly not a Popsicle (you can give Tylenol if you really suspect teething). I would not remove him from his room. Good luck.

rspalding001 · December 2014

Hi there,

I just wanted to add that it almost sounds like you are being too interactive with him. Do you turn on the lights when you go in to get him? With our daughter when we decide her cries require us to go in we dont ever turn on the lights, just let the light from the hall illuminate the room, we don't talk to her, but we make soothing shushing sounds to calm her. Ill change her diaper if Im worried she soiled her diaper but honestly I think that has happened once in the last 6-8 months so its usually not the concern. If I think she needs a bottle I will normally make one before I even go into her room to give her time to calm down on her own and then once Im in the room I feed her without making eye contact or talking, just gentle shushing sounds as needed. After the bottle Ill kiss her and put her back in her crib and walk away shutting the door behind me.

Our daughter is only 1 year and still has random nights where she wakes up crying. We try very hard to give her 5-10 mins to work it out on her own before going in to help and even then make our time in the room as brief as possible so she will learn to sooth herself as much as possible and also that its not time ot wake up and play but time to go back to sleep.

I agree with @ashiscute that you need to discuss with your DH what your plan will be and try and stick to it as best as possible.

Good luck!!!

RibbitGrl930 · December 2014

You guys are giving some great advice! I really appreciate it!

We do try to give at least a few minutes to let him calm himself down, and many times he will. Just last week, I woke to hear him crying over the monitor. I sat up for a minute, and during that minute, he quieted himself down and we got no other peeps from him the rest of the night. @ashiscute‌ , are you saying you suggest the Ferber stuff for middle of the night? Or no?

ashiscute · December 2014

RibbitGrl930 said:
You guys are giving some great advice! I really appreciate it!

We do try to give at least a few minutes to let him calm himself down, and many times he will. Just last week, I woke to hear him crying over the monitor. I sat up for a minute, and during that minute, he quieted himself down and we got no other peeps from him the rest of the night. @ashiscute‌ , are you saying you suggest the Ferber stuff for middle of the night? Or no?

Yes I do. Have you read his book? I really think it's so great etching about sleep and positive associations. I think checks are a great way to deal because you get the piece of mind of seeing they was okay but are still consistent. I think the first step is getting on the same page as your H though. Good luck.

RibbitGrl930 · December 2014

Yeah, I think is actually a good compromise. I think we were on complete opposite sides- I wanted to do nothing past the first pick-up, he wanted to pick him up every time. I think this is a good medium ground for us, and DH agrees. He's agreed to give it a fair shot.

lana22 · December 2014

agree with all of @ashiscute's first response.

you and your husband really need to get on the same page. you are being inconsistent and ds has learned that he will get attention in the middle of the night. sorry but lol at popsicle. he does not need a popsicle itm of the night. if you are really worried about teething give him some tylenol or advil before you put him down. kids regulate their food and at 20 months you should never need to offer him food itm of the night.

i'd check out healthy sleep habits, happy child by weissbluth along with the ferber book, and then highlight some sections for your husband to read. ds needs consistency and to learn that when he wakes up itm of the night he needs to go right back to sleep and will not get attention from you guys. it might be harder now b/c you've had a few weeks of this, but do not take him out of his room. if you really want to take him out of the crib then hold him, silently, and then put him back down and leave. he will cry and probably hard at first, but you need to teach him to get back to sleep without intervention.

RibbitGrl930 · December 2014

mj0011 said:

I don't think you need the angelcare monitor your son is way past the risk for SIDS

The reason we still have it is because my son has epilepsy. He has a history of seizures which manifest themselves through apnea. While he's never had one while asleep, there is always the possibility he could wake up in the middle of the night and have one. Otherwise, we would have gotten rid of that thing months ago.

erinmc1 · December 2014

I can understand with your son having epilepsy that you'd be more worried about his well-being, especially at night when you aren't as alert. But you need to let him learn to self-soothe. I think it's a smart idea to do the check-ins, but agree with PP never to turn on the lights/offer food, etc. We put a water sippy in our son's crib in case he wakes up thirsty now that the furnace is running more often and the air is drier, but nothing else. He's had a few bouts of middle of the night waking, typically during teething or major growth spurts. It's normal.

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