Am I Being Over-Protective?

zizzabell523 · December 2014

My DD is 1 month old and we are attending a family Christmas party in a couple weeks. There are going to be roughly 50 people at this party. Big Family!! There are going to be a lot of extended family members at this party who we haven't seen in a long time and won't see my DD again for a long while. I believe that if they want to see her, they can see and meet her without having to hold her. I have not and still do not feel comfortable letting other people hold her. I feel extremely anxious when I'm not holding her and have this extreme urge to go grab her back the whole time she's not in my arms. I am BFing and have a very strong bond with her. I've gotten to where I'm *okay* with grandparents and her aunt holding her at our weekly suppers which consist of maybe 10 people, but I still feel like she belongs with me and only me or DH. The issue I'm running in to is that DH's family have all shared and passed around all of their babies at all functions throughout the years and have loved it and they expect me to feel/do the same. I've made my feelings heard on this matter and the only reaction I've gotten back is basically that I'm being selfish. Am I being over-protective by wanting to keep her to myself at gatherings, or should I follow my instincts and just face the fact that there are going to be several people who are going to be upset with me for not letting 30-some-odd adults hold her? If you've been in a similar situation and you felt the same as I do, how did you handle it? I don't want to burn any bridges, especially with In-Laws, but I feel like my instincts come before family's preferences.

deevaswani · December 2014

I personally would not take my newborn to a party that large. There is no way to avoid someone who may be sick. If you are already feeling anxious/worried, I imagine it would only get worse at the party. Would you even be able to enjoy the party? Could you just make an appearance and head out thus avoiding the situation you are worried about.

If you do go, maybe you could keep the baby in car seat carrier. LO will prob be sleeping most of the time. Keeping baby strapped into the carrier may help discourage people from carrying the baby.

serenbach · December 2014

What's you're husbands opinion on the matter? I wouldn't feel comfortable passing my baby round 30 people and he would probably get confused and or exhausted about it all.

You obviously have a strong bond with your baby as your her mum (Im formula feeding and still have a very very strong bond!) but at least you can make excuses like 'I think she's hungry' and go to a quite room and nurse or pretend to nurse her if it gets a bit overwhelming for either of you. It'll take time for you to be comfortable with others holding her, I'm 100% okay with friends and family holding DS but not strangers or people I'm not close to or familiar with. Good luck with it all.

lmimms87 · December 2014

I agree with a lot of the posters. Just wear LO and people won't really ask. Also, I think it may be a little over protective that only your immediate family can hold LO. I understand not passing baby around to 50 people, because it is flu season, and especially not little kids, but other close adult relatives would be fine imo.

ashiscute · December 2014

I agree that it's not normal to be anxious if another person holds your LO. I really think you might want to speak to your doctor about that.

I took DS to a wedding when he was 3 weeks and it was not a big deal at all. A few people held him but it wasn't like a game of hot potato. I actually enjoyed letting a couple of my aunts fuss over him while I spent some time with DD. I would go and try to relax. Not all 50 people will hold her and people will understand if you need to take her away put her in a carrier.

Beevol · December 2014

It's a bad flu season and even a mild fever in a newborn is an automatic two day hospital stay including a spinal tap. Even if no one there is sick, a lot of nasty viruses are most contagious prior to folks being symptomatic. It's just not worth the risk.

Either don't go or wear her in a moby, don't let anyone hold her, and then leave early. At a party, I wouldn't even let immediate family hold her because people love to pass the baby.

indianaalum · December 2014

deevaswani said:

I personally would not take my newborn to a party that large. There is no way to avoid someone who may be sick. If you are already feeling anxious/worried, I imagine it would only get worse at the party. Would you even be able to enjoy the party? Could you just make an appearance and head out thus avoiding the situation you are worried about. If you do go, maybe you could keep the baby in car seat carrier. LO will prob be sleeping most of the time. Keeping baby strapped into the carrier may help discourage people from carrying the baby.

PLease google this. It is not considered safe to keep babies sleeping in carseats within a house

graciesmurf · December 2014

indianaalum said:

deevaswani said:

Keeping baby strapped into the carrier may help discourage people from carrying the baby.

PLease google this. It is not considered safe to keep babies sleeping in carseats within a house

@indianaalum, can you post a link. I googled but the first several pages were babycenter, cafe mom, or non-US (different car seat requirements). I would love to read more about this. DD1 lived in her car seat/stroller combo and it was the easiest travel crib ever. However, if it is dangerous I do not want to repeat this pattern with DD2. Thank you.

Edit to add: I found the no sleep in infant seat recommendation on AAP: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/on-the-go/Pages/Car-Safety-Seats-Information-for-Families.aspx

Thank you, @Indianaalum for bringing this up. I never would have known. :-)

leela02 · December 2014

I don't think you're being over-protective about the party. You should consider not attending if you don't want to deal with random people asking to hold your baby.

My DD attended a big (about 60 people) Xmas party at 8 weeks, but she only made a few brief appearances. Most of the time we were in the guest room with a few friends. I knew most of the people there and that party was kind of a big deal so we went.

drpayne · December 2014

I wouldn't go. You know a fever at that age can mean a trip to the NICU and a spinal tap, right? Stay home or find a sitter.

tbarker14 · December 2014

I guess I am different than others. I believe that it's good for my DD to be exposed to various of people. I have let people hold her. Providing that no one is sick.
It doesn't hurt to ask if they are sick/or still recovering from a cold. If they are they will understand when I tell them sorry but I don't want my DD to get sick.

Otherwise, I have been to gatherings of 20 ppl and they all got to hold DD. Most people just want to hold her long enough for a picture and a few hellos then pass her back to me.

I am EBF and my dr and nurses all said that because I am EBF my DD's immune is stronger.

I would go to the event, just ask if anyone has been sick, is sick to please not hold the baby. And ask ppl to wash their hands.

Or you could just wear your baby, in any kind of carrier that suits you and this may help reduce the baby getting passed around.

However, like I said I personally wouldn't stress too much. And trust both yours and your husband's judgment.

indianaalum · December 2014

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/news/Pages/AAP-Expands-Guidelines-for-Infant-Sleep-Safety-and-SIDS-Risk-Reduction.asp

The report also includes the following recommendations:

Always place your baby on his or her back for every sleep time.
Always use a firm sleep surface. Car seats and other sitting devices are not recommended for routine sleep.
The baby should sleep in the same room as the parents, but not in the same bed (room-sharing without bed-sharing).
Keep soft objects or loose bedding out of the crib. This includes pillows, blankets, and bumper pads.
Wedges and positioners should not be used.
Pregnant woman should receive regular prenatal care.
Don’t smoke during pregnancy or after birth.
Breastfeeding is recommended.
Offer a pacifier at nap time and bedtime.
Avoid covering the infant’s head or overheating.
Do not use home monitors or commercial devices marketed to reduce the risk of SIDS.
Infants should receive all recommended vaccinations.
Supervised, awake tummy time is recommended daily to facilitate development and minimize the occurrence of positional plagiocephaly (flat heads).

skibunny59 · December 2014

I would go to the party and wear LO. We are going to my family's christmas party (35 people) and I totally plan on going even though DS will only be 3 1/2 weeks old. I figure if I wear him in the moby most people won't even ask to hold him.

2ndGeneration · December 2014

OP, I pretty much agree with you. I have six children and my youngest is 6 weeks old. I also will be keeping her close to me at the family Christmas Eve event.

There is just so much stuff going around. Whooping cough (although thankfully not in my area), enterovirus, flu that is a strain not in the vaccine...plus regular winter colds and coughs. I'm being very protective of dd-actually more so than I was with the other kids, who were not born this time of year.

I don't think you are over-anxious. You have let grandparents and aunts hold her so it's not like you are never letting her go.

My bro travels for work and was out of town when dd was born. He flew in Sunday before thanksgiving and wanted to see her-I said please wait till Thanksgiving in case you got exposed to something on the plane (planes are notorious germ cans). Sure enough-he was sick by then!!! I'm glad I was so cautious.

I am going to our family event, and wearing dd in a Baby K'Tan carrier.

Ju111310 · December 2014

As a healthcare provider, I've seen way too much sickness. I would not take a baby that young to a function that large in the middle of flu/RSV season. The flu vaccine has not been as effective this year and flu A is rampant. Flu in a newborn can be fatal. RSV causes the common cold in adults and may kill a newborn. If you go, wear the baby and don't let people hold LO.

Tallulahsmom · December 2014

You could always just wear the baby. Just put her in the wrap or sling before you go in. You could tell everyone that she has been fussy or gassy. Who cares she is your baby. I remember feeling immediately jealous of people when they held my first. It was so nice to have a break for a few minutes but I wanted her back right away.

jkmcdani · December 2014

If anyone is being selfish it is the family! You are not being over protective, it is your baby not theirs and it is not your baby's job to fulfill whatever need they have. With so many people there, your baby is going to need you more than ever to feel safe. Baby wearing helped me with this problem quite a bit. For some reason, when baby is worn, people ask about taking the baby away less. It is your child, stand your ground and remind them that there is always next year. Let your baby be with mommy and don't worry about the haters especially because you don't see them often!

jlcope112 · December 2014

I feel the exact same way. In fact my lo had a slight cough so I only held him and told family just kisses on belly. "Doctors orders." Then, at 6 and 8 I fed them put him down. Like others, if you want to go to make an appearance .. I'd wear or put him in a car seat. If you wear him, just make an excuse its nap time. Us, I put him in his pack and play and swaddled him when it was time to sleep.

stcoppola12 · December 2014

We are already planning ahead to TRY and hopefully have our next one in the spring/summer so we don't have to worry as much about this issue. I am a huge germ freak anyways and when my mom cancelled our annual Christmas Eve gathering bc of DD being just under 1 month old, people thought I was ridiculous. I hateee when people touch their cell phones and then touch the baby! That's my biggest pet peeve...don't you know how many germs are on your phone especially this time of year?!
I agree that it's totally up to you and if you're not comfortable, don't do it. YOURE the mom! You're the one dealing with a sick baby at the hospital if God forbid she caught something, not everyone who wanted to hold her.

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