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June 2015 Moms
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In laws mean well, but...

JadeWilsonJadeWilson member
in June 2015 Moms
Long story short, my mother in law wants to stay with us for a few days after the birth of our first baby, and so does my sister in law. My sister in law and I have a rocky history and don't have much of a relationship, and as far as my mother in law goes, I love her but I really don't want over night house guests. I have nannied since a young age, and I know it will be a big task at first, but I really it want to just be myself, my husband, and our baby at night - family being more than welcome to come and go throughout the day. How can I explain this to them without hurting feelings?
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Re: In laws mean well, but...

  • mrs1374amrs1374a member
    I'm the opposite, because we already have a 2.5 year old (she will be 3 before the baby is here) and I know I will have a c section, so we have already asked my MIL to stay for a few days... I'm not really sure how you can break that to them.
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  • housewifebecomesherhousewifebecomesher member
    It's totally within your right to specify who you want to see the first weeks after birth and whether or not you want house guests. I was actually really glad to have the help the first week, but it was nice to have a break for a bit after that. I would suggest having the conversation now. And, really, your husband should be having it. Let them know you are open to daytime visits until you adjust to being a new family.

    Good luck!
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  • honeybunches101honeybunches101 member
    It may be best if your DH breaks the news. I think it's totally reasonable to want to have that time to yourself. I have a great relationship with my ILs but having them visit right after DS's birth was difficult, even though they stayed in a hotel. We had a small apartment so no one stayed with us. I think it's definitely worth putting your foot down about this, hopefully she will understand.
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  • crashski13crashski13 member
    I agree with PP ifyoudont don't want them to now is the time to say no. My MIL came up 2 weeks after my second son was born and although she stayed in a hotel and took my oldest out from time to time she took my car I was left without and still felt like I needed to entertain and I felt like it was taking away from bonding with baby. Not to mention all the extra house guests that came to my house to see her. My DH has already told her no this time around.

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  • KimberlyandThor2014KimberlyandThor2014 member
    I agree with PPs! Inlaw issues can be tricky, and definitely have your husband in on the conversation, but this is your family time, a very delicate time, and you shouldn't have to worry about visitors. Be gentle but firm, or have DH take care of it. I do suggest the both of you standing together, even if he speaks, so that your opinion and voice is respected as well.
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  • KimberlyandThor2014KimberlyandThor2014 member
    I love my MIL, but she lives with us and sometimes drives me crazy. I had to learn fast to speak up and create some boundaries for myself. Especially when it comes to baby advice, which she seems to be a font of information for even though the last time she was pregnant was 38 years ago (forget what my OB says, she knows better!)

    When baby is born I am going to have to keep putting my foot down. Gentle enough but firm.
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  • darvodarvo member
    I agree with PP about having your husband be a part of that conversation. Just tell her how you feel. A polite adult conversation shouldn't hurt her feelings and if it does, then that's her own issue. Good luck girl! Hopefully the situation will resolve itself easily!
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  • kemdupuiskemdupuis member
    I am in the same boat. I told my own parents that I felt like we needed time and space after our baby is born to bond- just the 3 of us. They understood and won't be coming down for at least a week afterward. My MIL does not understand this/is ignoring my request for space. I asked DH to speak with his parents about the issue, and he has procrastinated. I feel like this is an issue that needs to be dealt with ASAP. Not sure what advice to give you- just know that I completely understand and that you have my sympathies. I'll let you know if I figure out some way to get the point across. Good luck to you!
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  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    Well I think most of all, you will have to come to terms with your MIL having hurt feelings.  She is allowed to be disappointed and upset, but that doesn't mean you have to change your mind.  Trust me, this won't be the last time you/ your DH will hurt her feelings and it's not the end of the world.  Might as well get used to it now.   I honestly believe that upsetting / disappointing your parents is part of growing up.  I have had to do it before and so has my husband and I think they are more respectful of us now because of it.  
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  • JadeWilsonJadeWilson member
    You guys are the best, thank you so much for your advice and support! I'll talk with my husband tonight about it - even worse, my husband's parents are somewhat recently divorced so if his mom stayed with us, his dad would be too uncomfortable to visit.
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  • Sugarbean17Sugarbean17 member
    We have been having the same talk. My husband's mom wants to come all summer! We have 2 kids already so we have been there done that with all the new baby stuff plus having and older kid. We or I should say I really don't want anyone staying with us. Especially my mother in law. She is the hovering type. My husband keeps putting off the conversation saying we have months to figure it out. But I'm trying to remind him that if she has to find somewhere else to stay she is going to need to budget that in for her trip. Anywho we keep arguing about it. He finally out of anger said he would do it. So we will see. But my husband and I always deal with our own families. It makes it easier that way.
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  • TrampslikeusTrampslikeus member
    JadeWilson said:
    You guys are the best, thank you so much for your advice and support! I'll talk with my husband tonight about it - even worse, my husband's parents are somewhat recently divorced so if his mom stayed with us, his dad would be too uncomfortable to visit.
    Ohhh man, yeah, that would not be fair to FIL. Not that your reasons weren't valid enough, but all the more reason.  I think your husband can very easily say something along the lines of "my house needs to stay neutral, and if you're staying here the whole time, it won't be"

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  • taboullio84taboullio84 member
    Tell her I would love for her to come stay and help me... Lol :D
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  • StormymuffStormymuff member
    Have your husband explain that you both want some time alone with the baby first. We had my MIL for a weekw after our son came home from the NICU. I was already healed pretty good, I could do everything on my own. She would take over and my husband would let her. She wouldn't wake me to feed, just give him a bottle and I believe that I part of the reason why we couldn't breastfeed and had to pump. It was very uncomfortable and I will be telling her this time to stay home. I will call you if I need you!
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  • kelseygaonakelseygaona member
    I have an unbelievable relationship with MIL and FIL they might as well have given birth to me! But when my son was born I got this small bit of jealousy of them with the baby... my mom stayed with me two weeks and was a god send!!!! We are the type of people who ALWAYS have family around but rather than feeling the need to take care of or entertain the in laws we decided to spend a couple nights with them! Not ideal for everyone but it helped with them catering to us instead of visa versa.
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  • suzysurparissuzysurparis member
    I'm hoping MIL will stay with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend who are also due in June. I've heard that a lot of the family plans to visit Paris in June and this worries me, the two couples who are expecting are also the two couples who have houses here and ours has more extra rooms. I just want the time alone in the beginning to get the hang of it and bond, etc. I've already heard MIL mention how helpful and relaxing a weekend with her mother was when she had her first, but we're very different people and I don't think I'll be comfortable yet. No one has asked if they could come yet, so we'll see.
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  • Katerina&BabyKaterina&Baby member
    Agree with PPs - DH should have the conversation with his mother. Also - not for nothing but who knows how you're going to physically feel after baby is born. FTM so no first hand experience but birthing a baby can't be the most comfortable thing to heal from, especially if you have a C (which I would consider to be major surgery). It sounds like you're a FTM too (no mention of other kids) so while I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to spend a solid amount of time with just hubby and new baby, I think DH should also point out to MIL/SIL that visiting for a few hours is one thing but overnight guests could be a little much to deal with at first given that you'll be recuperating from the experience as well.
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  • poppyc8poppyc8 member
    Oh man. I would say no to both and it is completely in your right to do so. The time with baby after birth is so precious. If they were stopping by to bring food that would be helpful but staying over is a lot to ask.
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  • dkleiddkleid member
    My FIL told me that there was a good posibility that DH's cousins and their children would be up from Miami around the time that i was expecting and how it would be good to have a small get together.  I put a squash to it right away.  I flat out told him that while it has been a while since we have seen them, I am not going to A feel up to entertaining visitors, B will NOT want people visiting me at the hospital, and C dont want a lot of people around the baby. I think I pissed him off  but i just dont care. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and tell people how you feel and what you want. 

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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    I'm a FTM and we just bought a 4 bedroom house...so between the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing and that we have plenty of space, I would actually love either my mom or my MIL to come stay a while. Maybe not at the same time. But I know I'm going to feel terrible afterwards and someone needs to keep the house clean and feed us! :-)

    Also FIL would be helpful because it's prime water ski season for DH and there is no earthly way I'll be driving a boat for him to ski behind for many moons before and after the birth. I will need someone else to do that for him. Really I'll take all the help i can get. The only think I DON'T want is for everyone to come crowding into my hospital room right after the birth. I'd like at least a 12 hour lead time on that. For napping.
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  • SchnuretteSchnurette member
    We just told people that we didn't want any visitors for the first couple of weeks because we needed to learn the routine ourselves before DH went back to work. People accepted that.

    My mother wanted to come - I would have murdered someone if she had (myself...her...everyone within a 35 mile radius...) because it would have been like taking care of two children. (The woman tried to give my 2 month old daughter her iPad to play with and then said we needed to take DD to the doctor because she didn't seem to be getting how to work the iPad and there must be something wrong with her developmentally. SHE WAS TWO MONTHS OLD!)

    I would have said no to my mother in law as well but at least MIL would have been helpful. The house would have been spotless lol
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