2nd Child Blues

kayla+harris11 · December 2014

I have searched on here and cannot find another board, if there is one I'm sorry!! My DH and I are expecting our DS on Feb. 1st. We have a 2.5 year old little girl already and we are super excited for little boy. However, I have been feeling horribly down, and depressed lately, I feel as though I haven't been the best mom, and I'm scared my DD is going to think I don't love her anymore after the baby comes! We have weekly mommy/daughter dates, and we read books and she helps me cook and we play as much as we can, but I cry over this every night because I am so worried! Any suggestions, or a way to make sure she doesn't feel "left out" or forgotten about? I'm nervous about going from one child to two, and my emotions are running high, is it a real fear to be having at this point? Help!!!!

ordinary1 · December 2014

Can you have her 'help'. She probably won't be too much help, but if she feels part of the transition, it will most likely make things easier. (At least that is what I'm telling myself.)

Ace226 · December 2014

ordinary1 said:
Can you have her 'help'. She probably won't be too much help, but if she feels part of the transition, it will most likely make things easier. (At least that is what I'm telling myself.)

I second this; and if it makes you feel better, I'm a FTM but I get the same guilt/anxiety about how my cats will feel once the baby comes.

I'm sure it'll be a tough transition for her, but it'll get better and she'll be so excited to have a little brother to play with when he's able!:)

maltwin1 · December 2014

Our DS is turning 4 this month so he's a little older than your DD, but we have definitely played up him being mommy's big helper.

He has helped me unpack baby stuff and he's had a great time test driving his old baby toys so that "he can show baby Charlie how they work". I've tried to make things like hanging up baby clothes a walk down memory lane for him. I tell him stories about when he was a tiny baby and we look at his old baby pictures.

We've also really liked the book "I'm a Big Brother" book by Joanna Cole. It comes in big sister also. It talks a lot about how much he can help and how much mommy and daddy love him and how special it is that he's a big brother now.

Just try to present everything to her as a positive situation. When she's patient or helps you're so proud of her. When she does something that is only for big girls the baby will be so impressed and she'll do a great job of teaching it to her brother. Show her you love her too and that's exactly how she'll feel!

ohbotha01 · December 2014

I'm expecting my second child feb 13th and have a some that is 1. I too worry about how he will feel from time to time or get sad that my attention will be divided. But I know my son will LOVE having a little sister to love on and play with when she's a little older. He already loves his new baby cousin! You have nothing to worry about! Sibling love starts the day they meet!

CogDis · December 2014

I'm a FTM but I agree with @ohbotha01‌ , the joy and love and entertainment your LO will get from a sibling will be well worth the sharing of mom and dad! I have siblings and I couldn't imagine my life without them!

And, I think your LO is so lucky to have such a thoughtful momma like you! You sound like an amazing mom! Try to be kinder to yourself! :-)

reneamac313 · December 2014

I can't give much advice since I'm a FTM but it seems like everything will be fine if you are already trying to actively keep her involved. Keep doing what you active doing!

wintersong139 · December 2014

I agree with everyone's above suggestions--they seem very practical--but crying every night got my attention. If you feel like you are heading into depression and/or anxiety territory, it is worth it to voice your concerns with someone you can talk to IRL. What your DD and baby need most is a rested and healthy mom who has the energy to take care of herself so she can take care of her babies!

jennjilljo · December 2014

The anxiety of going from 1 to 2 is normal. I've discussed it with the other moms here before. The best advice I've gotten is probably the least helpful to everyone else; you'll find a way. That was the advice that I got when I asked how to take care of a sock baby and I found a way. It's the same advice I got about dealing with the first real injury and I found a way. So I have faith that I'll find a way this time too. I'll also be using the mommy's helper method to keep him engaged and involved and I'll be teaching him how to play with a baby.

If this is causing a lot of stress or anxiety for you I recommend bringing it up with your dr. It may also be a good idea to see a therapist and learn some stress/anxiety relief techniques.

flyster · December 2014

wintersong139. There was a thread a little while ago about this with lots of moms talking about this worry, but if you really are crying every night and this worry is taking over your thoughts, ect, tell your Dr. People know(I hope) to look out for post-partem depression, but they've started showing that it really can start anytime during pregnancy, so its good to have that at least on Dr's radar.

michelle142 · December 2014

I wish I had suggestions for you. My DS will be 3 this week and I have no idea how to handle two, love two, give equal attention to two... etc.

I had horrible PPD after DS and I'm so scared that it's going to happen again. I completely understand your feelings of anxiety.

buggymuncher · December 2014

I felt the way you do with my last pregnancy going from one to two. A friend told me to remember that whatever attention your first born loses from you they will more than make up for by having a relationship with a sibling and it has been so true in our case. My girls are 2.5 years apart and best friends. When I am stretched thin they have each other and that's a special bond I could never have given to my first all by myself. It will work out, you'll see

dreemkin84 · December 2014

I feel like you do. I am nervous about the #2 transition with my 2 year old. I'm hoping it'll just work itself out. Try not to worry because it might be just fine.

kerrigrooves · December 2014

I havent really worried about it too much, we read Big Sister and The New Baby books and I Have her say hi to my belly and show her baby brothers room etc. I think you will have just as much love for both!

winterbabe2015 · December 2014

This time I am going from 2 to 3 but my older 2 are 22 months apart. With the birth of my 2nd I felt similar to the way you do now. I obsessively worried about the transition, it was becoming a serious issue. I talked to my OB who is a mom herself and she gave me the best advice that snapped me out of it.
1. The eldest child will take their cues from you. Even if you are trying to hide it from them they sense stress and anxiety. Try to relax.
2. Keep the eldest child in the loop with new baby. Let them know what is going on, designate certain tasks that are theirs to help with (getting diapers, wipes at changing time). etc.
3. Remember to tell your oldest every day how much you love them, followed by a hug and kiss. Tell them you are proud of them and how much of a help they are.
4. Trust that it will all work out.

In my situation it started to get better the second I began to relax. DS was definitely picking up on my stress and when I relaxed he became way more excited about the arrival of DD. They are now 4 and 6 yrs old and have been best friends since the day we brought her home. I wish you the best. Trust yourself, you will know what to do.

Valentino2013 · December 2014

Another idea parents in my preschool have found helpful is to get your daughter a special baby doll. Through play teach her about being gentle, where baby should be touched (ie not in the face). And let her become "mommy" to her doll. Then once baby comes she has someone to care for too. It will give her something to focus on.
You can also get her something special once baby comes (a big sister shirt, a special toy) from her new sister so she gets something of her own when so much attention is focused on the baby.
PP's also gave great advice about reading big sibling books, talking up the importance of being a big sister and giving her ways to help.

agm04 · December 2014

I'm a FTM, but on a hospital tour the other day, someone said that they offer a "sibling cake" for free at the hospital. It's cut and served with punch in honor of big brother or sister when they meet the baby. It sounded a little strange to me, but maybe it's a good idea, as I can definitely see where you're coming from with your concern.

bamafan97 · December 2014

I am going on baby number three and the jump from 1 to 2 was tough for me too...my little guy was 21 months old when his brother was born. There are lots of things to help the older child adjust to the baby ( books, toys, etc). I found that he adjusted much better than I did. One piece of advice that I wish had been given to me ahead of time: lots of people offer to help, but in their well intentioned hearts, they always took the older child to help give me time with the baby...after a serious case of the baby blues and a couple of months for my hormones to settle down, I realized I had needed time with my oldest child; I needed someone to take the new one off my hands...I seriously missed him. So I am planning to ask all of my "helpers" this time around to take the newborn off my hands to spend a little time with the older ones.

kefttsc · December 2014

I know I'm a FTM, but having two babies at once is scary for all of these reasons. I'm worry about not spending enough time with each one individually, etc. It sounds lame to most of you, but I'm worried about my dogs. They have ruled this house and been our babies for up to 10 years, and now their lives are being interrupted. I worry about not spending enough time with them, not playing and working them enough, etc.

(Please no comments about how my dogs will become obsolete when babies arrive....I'll totally have to punch you.)

jennjilljo · December 2014

kefttsc said:
I know I'm a FTM, but having two babies at once is scary for all of these reasons. I'm worry about not spending enough time with each one individually, etc. It sounds lame to most of you, but I'm worried about my dogs. They have ruled this house and been our babies for up to 10 years, and now their lives are being interrupted. I worry about not spending enough time with them, not playing and working them enough, etc.

(Please no comments about how my dogs will become obsolete when babies arrive....I'll totally have to punch you.)

This is a valid fear. Dogs crave attention just like children do.

kefttsc · December 2014

@jennjilljoite Thank you! I'm seriously worried!

kayla+harris11 · January 2015

Thank you everyone! I will definately be talking to the doctor about it when I go in! The first time I mentioned it, they said it was normal because of the amount of testosterone when carrying a boy, but it has just gotten worse! So I will most definately be talking to the doctor!!

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