Motherhood not kicking in

FirstatForty · December 2014

My little girl will be 2 weeks old tomorrow and I am really having a hard time...harder than I thought I would. The first couple of days home from the hospital were rough to say the least. I was breast feeding exclusively and it turns out I wasn't making enough milk and my baby was starving. We took her to the Dr and she had lost 1.5 lbs and had jaundice really bad. I am pumping and feeding her formula now and she is doing a lot better. I on the other hand seem to be doubting everything.

I feel like a failure that I can't breastfeed and when I do pump I only get about 1 teaspoon of milk from one breast. It's exhausting pumping and feeding round the clock and the whole time my head is in a fog. My husband is picking up the slack in the house, but we are bickering more than ever which is raising my tension and stress levels which in turn affects the milk production.

I just feel like my mothers intuition is not kicking in and I have no clue what to do with this baby. I didn't even know what to put in her diaper bag, and when I had to look up a checklist online my hubby said it's a no brainer what goes in it. My husband is questioning my ability to be a good mother I feel. He seems to be a a natural with her (he is very close to his niece), while I am doubting everything I do. I have had no experience with babies before in my life people told me that my mothers instinct would kick in, but I am not feeling it. I cried for the first week and now all I can think of is whether I can be a good mom to my baby. I love her with all my heart and when I look at her my heart breaks with joy, she is so precious. I am reading the AAP book about babies from birth to 5 and this just reinforces that I have no clue what I am doing.

I am barely able to eat and fix food cause my head is just so foggy and I feel like I am losing touch with reality and normal day to day tasks which were so easy before. I have no friends or family to talk to and no support system other than my husband, but feeling that he is doubting me is making me feel worse.

I am scared to sleep in case she stops breathing which is also part of the problem as I am not getting rest. We have had some outside help come in for a few hours at night to watch her so we can sleep, but I still have to pump every couple of hours, so I can't get proper rest.

I feel overwhelmed with this responsibility and when she cried and I have no clue why she's crying I feel really stressed out. I am hoping somebody tells me that things will get better and instinct will kick in soon.

My mother in law is coming at the end of the month to stay with us for a couple of moths to help out which will be good, except she She is from Europe and I don't speak her language so I am also stressing about that.

i know this post is all over the place, please anyone who can offer positive advice, help.

thanks

ashiscute · December 2014

I want to chime in and tell you not to feel like a failure. Becoming a mom is not some light switch where everything is clear. It takes a lot of trial and error. I think while your DD is sleeping you need to tell your DH how he is affecting you. If his comments are making it harder for you he needs to know that.

Also, try to sleep and eat as much and regularly as you can. Your house is fine getting dirty it's more important for you to take care of yourself. If that means giving up BF then you might want to consider that. I am very lucky that I BF both of my babies but I almost never pumped because I hated it. If I would have had to rely on that I would have quit because the stress it caused me did not outweigh the benefits.

Please try to be kind to yourself and forgiving. A lot of women don't talk about how hard it is at the beginning but it is that hard! If you really feel like you are incapable of taking care of yourself then speak with your doctor.

tbarker14 · December 2014

Hugs, you have gotten a lot of good advice here... all I can say is the first few weeks are hard. My DD is only 10 weeks and some nights are brutal. BUT one thing is you are a good mother. The fact that you are trying and reaching out for help makes you a good mom.
There will be days where you question being a mom, I do but just know that you are doing the best you can and try to enjoy the cuddles and those moments with your baby.

FirstatForty · December 2014

Thank you for the words of encouragement, it's reassuring to know I'm not the only woman feeling this. I will just keep telling myself that it will get better and I'll figure it all out. I know that joining a local support group will be good when I can get out and about more after the first 6 weeks. Meeting with other moms and learning from their experience will help me feel less isolated and alone going through this. It's all just so scary and overwhelming. One day at a time right? I need to stop thinking about all the responsibilities and fears to protect her down the road and focus on now. I'm scared of screwing her up or not being prepared for something that's around the corner.

vkhitt · December 2014

Big hugs!!! I want you to know that reading your post was like reading my own inner monologue. My DO is 5 wks and although things are getting better, they were really rough in the beginning. There are amazing tips in the other posts and I just want to add a few more.
If you can, see a lactation consultant and check to see if your insurance will cover it, mine did and seeing her made a huge difference. I, too, have a low milk supply and she suggested taking a lactation supplement. (Golacta, is the one her patients have had the best results with and they saw a boost within 3 days.) I haven't been able to get them yet due to $, but I will. Also, I found it took longer for my milk to come in than what everyone was telling me and what I read. Keep up the pumping, I know how exhausting it is, but it works. Don't feel bad for using formula! I have to supplement all the time. He just eats soooo much and when I'm empty he still wants more. Honestly, it's comforting knowing that I have a back up to when I can't feed him more; I know he won't go hungry.
As to the sleep. I cried I don't know how many times, maybe as much as DO did. Eventually, though, I've become used to the sleep deprecation. You'll find time to sleep, trust. Let the house go, ask for help, and when she's sleeping or when husband can feed her take some you time. If that's a nap, long shower, or just alone time do it. Trust me, it's hard cuz you're worried about if you leave will she be ok or is she gonna be breathing when you get back, but you'll feel a little more human and ready to get back in the game.
I know what you mean when you said you look at her and your heart breaks. The biggest thing is to have faith in yourself. The mommy in me didn't kick in right away and like you that made me feel like a failure. What I found is that it grew in me. I'm now learning what his cries mean, what his patterns are, and that's really cool! Don't beat yourself up and when you feel down and freaking out, tell your DH and ask him for support.

Sorry for the ramblings, I hope this made some since and helped in some way. I know you can do this and you are not a failure.

Ivorytower2 · December 2014

Hang in there!! I felt like a failure about 90% of the time for the first month and then one day LO woke up and had learned how to smile

I still feel like I have no clue what I'm doing most of the time, but once you see that first smile you'll realize no matter how badly you think you are doing, your baby thinks you are amazing and he/she loves you so much.

FirstatForty · December 2014

Happyin14, good point, this made me feel better and I hadn't thought of that. Yes, it will feel so much easier when she can verbally communicate with me. Thanks again for all the positive words. It's great we have this support for each other.

LittleMsLewis · December 2014

Happyin14 couldn't have said it better. I'm sorry you're feeling this way! I felt the same with my first. In all, it was 5 weeks before I looked at her and felt connected.

I was much happier once she turned 6 months. I will say that this time I bonded RIGHT away and am loving the newborn stage. Do speak with your husband and know that a lot of this could very well be postpartum depression. It's so common but we don't talk about it enough because we think it's just us being a failure at something that is supposed to be natural. Hang in there!

skibunny59 · December 2014

I understand how you feel. I went through hell breastfeeding my first and suffered major postpartum depression because of it. I wasn't producing enough for her and she wasn't gaining weight and would cry nonstop because she was hungry. Things started to click for me when she was 3 months old and then I really was able to connect with her.

With #2 I feel a little better but honestly, I enjoy my daughter (who is now 2.5) way more than him right now and I am sometimes resentful when I am trying to hang out with her and be with her and he cries because he wants to nurse. Even though I just nursed him. I'm realizing that I just don't like the newborn stage very much.

Anyway, try not to beat yourself up about breastfeeding. You are still a good mom even if you can't offer her 100% breastmilk. Also, it does not have to be all or nothing. I always had to supplement with my daughter and I always thought my milk would dry up and I would have to quit nursing altogether but we actually kept nursing until she was 2. Breastfeeding sucks in the beginning but if you stick with it, it is a really amazing bonding experience.

lmimms87 · December 2014

I went through a very similar situation with feeding. My daughter lost a full pound from birth to 4 days later because I wasn't making enough milk. I would pump and get drops. We switched to formula when she was 1.5 weeks old because I couldn't handle the stress and it was making me start to resent the baby. After those first 3 weeks the bond started to set in and now, at 10 weeks old, I feel like a piece of me is missing when I'm not with her. You'll get through it. I think we probably all had thoughts of "I can't do this" at some point or another.

NicoleWI · December 2014

1. Your DH is being an ass. He needs to lay off and be supportive and helpful!

2. BF is really hard and men, even if they are trying to be sensitive, which your DH is not, have no idea. They have no idea what it's like having the stress and physical discomfort of all the milk responsibility. Plus the hormones. It's different for men at first. I can never stand a newborn crying--it's like a physical response and I can feel my heart rate increase and I have to do something right away--but DH is able to be way more chill about it.

3. You need as much sleep as possible. Sleep will make EVERYTHING much better. Can you have someone come hold the baby so you can nap?

4. What about getting the Snuza monitor or similar so that you have some peace of mind about the "afraid baby will stop breathing" thing? Might be worth it to help you sleep better!

5. Make yourself eat. That also will help a lot.

6. No one knows what they are doing. It's all trial and error. How are you supposed to know? Plus, it's also different with every baby! This will be my fourth and I still feel like I don't remember what to do with a newborn!

7. If BF is just not working, there is nothing wrong with supplementing with formula. Can you talk to a lactation consultant, and/or your OB?

8. It gets much easier with time. The first few weeks can be really hard. Hang in there!!!!!!

9. Talk to your OB right away if things don't turn around. Maybe you have PPD and need some extra help to get through this tough time, especially if you do not have other support.

Hugs.

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