Can we talk about triggers, healing, and time frames? (triggers mentioned)

welly01 · December 2014

So I had a small breakdown at work this morning. Its the first time I've been upset enough to need to go to the restroom at work. There is another pregnant girl in the office and she was a week ahead of me. Since my MC, I have avoided her as much as possible. However, she talks a lot to the guy that sits next to me. To avoid their conversations, I just wear headphones all the time. Today one of the girls a few desks down from me was explaining something. We are very busy at work right now and our deadline is pretty much this week. The pregnant girl had brought up her most recent US to show the guy next to her. I couldn't escape the situation and she was explaining about how big baby was, everything looks good, etc. This was probably her A/S. I just couldn't take it. I had to walk away in the middle of the conversation.

I feel like I'm getting worse, not better. Its been 2 months since we first learned of my MC and a month since my D&C. My SIL and now cousin-in-law are pregnant. SIL is due 2 days after I was. I won't be going to any family stuff for Christmas because I just can't be around them. I told DH last night that I probably won't be able to go to SIL's baby shower and if we aren't pregnant by May, I may not even be able to go see the baby. DH's reply was basically he expects me to have this under control in a month or two or he expects me to seek counseling. He's fine with me skipping Christmas but doesn't feel like I should need to avoid family get togethers next year. I feel like that expectation is really soon and I'm not sure how reasonable it is.

I know this is a long and difficult process and everyone is different. Ladies that are 6+ months out from your loss, do you still get triggered by pregnant women? Are the pregnancies around me just extra hard because they are all around the time I was due? At what point do you seek professional counseling?

Menrandes · December 2014

Yes I still get triggered. But at this point it is typically from babies rather than pregnant women. A therapist can certainly help, but it's a completely normal thing to have a reaction to seeing people in a similar position to what you were supposed to be in. KWIM? It's when it frequently interferes with your daily life that I would really be concerned.

PinkCamino · December 2014

wellybug said:

So I had a small breakdown at work this morning. Its the first time I've been upset enough to need to go to the restroom at work. There is another pregnant girl in the office and she was a week ahead of me. Since my MC, I have avoided her as much as possible. However, she talks a lot to the guy that sits next to me. To avoid their conversations, I just wear headphones all the time. Today one of the girls a few desks down from me was explaining something. We are very busy at work right now and our deadline is pretty much this week. The pregnant girl had brought up her most recent US to show the guy next to her. I couldn't escape the situation and she was explaining about how big baby was, everything looks good, etc. This was probably her A/S. I just couldn't take it. I had to walk away in the middle of the conversation.
I feel like I'm getting worse, not better. Its been 2 months since we first learned of my MC and a month since my D&C. My SIL and now cousin-in-law are pregnant. SIL is due 2 days after I was. I won't be going to any family stuff for Christmas because I just can't be around them. I told DH last night that I probably won't be able to go to SIL's baby shower and if we aren't pregnant by May, I may not even be able to go see the baby. DH's reply was basically he expects me to have this under control in a month or two or he expects me to seek counseling. He's fine with me skipping Christmas but doesn't feel like I should need to avoid family get togethers next year. I feel like that expectation is really soon and I'm not sure how reasonable it is.
I know this is a long and difficult process and everyone is different. Ladies that are 6+ months out from your loss, do you still get triggered by pregnant women? Are the pregnancies around me just extra hard because they are all around the time I was due? At what point do you seek professional counseling?

Professional counseling is never a bad idea. EVER. I would definitely try and find someone to talk to.

Your feelings are 100% normal. I'm over 2 years out from my first loss and I still have triggers. My SIL is also currently pregnant and we are on a pretty major break from her and my in-laws as a result of the way she decided to tell me she was expecting. It is what it is. I guess I've gotten to the point where I know I can't control how I feel and that I wouldn't be authentic to myself if I forced myself to live through experiences like baby showers etc. If I can't do it - I just don't.

Please remember that you and your sanity is the most important thing. If it means taking a break from people, skipping out on events and just doing what you need to do to cope then that is your reality and it is perfectly fine.

As for your co-worker. I'm so sorry you're subjected to that. Do they know about your loss?

I've been dealing with some similar stuff at school lately and it's so difficult because you don't want to dump your heartache on anyone but some days the triggers are just too much to handle. If you need to escape from the situation and excuse yourself to the bathroom - do it. You don't need to sit through that regardless of what you think/feel people expect from you.

So many hugs.

megrae12 · December 2014

I am over a year from our first loss and barely a month from our second. I still get triggered although I am finding them to be less and less. One thing about this process is that you learn compartmentalization quickly. I had a pregnant coworker and she knew about my loss. Because of that, she was able to kind of "curb" her talk. Yes, she still talked about it, but she understood that I was sensitive and only really expanded on things if I asked her directly. Does that make sense?

As far as counseling goes, I am all for it. I think it is a great place to get things off your chest and it can help in the healing process. Here's the thing, you will never be "over it". A piece of your soul is missing. I hate you are dealing with all of this and it sucks so much. If you are not up to seeing a counselor, I highly recommend writing things down, either a journal or blog. This way, things do not bottle up and you are able to allow your feelings to run how they need to.

So many ((Hugs)). I wish I had some magic advice for you, but the truth is, this is not a linear process. There will be days where things are amazing and you will even wonder if you are still grieving, then you will fall back into the abyss where everything is overwhelming you. It's the bitchy nature of grief.

alm288 · December 2014

It's been over a year since my loss and I still have triggers. A friend of mine found out she was pregnant recently and it's hard to get excited for her because it reminds me of what I don't have. I haven't had to see her yet, but am kind of dreading it. I was also at Christmas markets over the weekend and saw happy families everywhere. It made me sad because I kept thinking - that should be us. It's hard!

Your feeling are valid. There is no set amount of time it takes to heal or until you don't have any triggers. I have more good days than bad, but sometimes it really gets to me. I think therapy is great, if you are open to it. (((Hugs)))

CC1017 · December 2014

I'm not far out from my loss, but I wanted to second @PinkCamino‌'s comment about counseling never being a bad idea. I found a counselor that specializes in pregnancy loss and have found her to be very helpful. Overall, it's been really helpful to talk about whatever I want and to have my feelings validated, to know that what I'm feeling is normal, or rather that there is no normal. Grief is a personal journey for everyone and there is no timeline. The important thing right now is to take care of yourself - don't worry about trying to meet others expectations.

Crunkal · December 2014

First of all ((hugs)).
I'm so sorry that you're having a tough time.

For me it's been 2 years since my first loss, and it really is a roller coaster. There are good days and bad days. There isn't a set time frame for when you'll start to feel better. You definitely need to take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

Counseling really helped me. I took an extended break and am now on anti depressants, which have worked wonders. I highly recommend at least speaking with a counselor/therapist. It really helps.

It is going to be hard for a while. To see or hear about pregnancy. My biggest triggers are newborns and bumps. It really does get better, I promise. Just please take time and take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to make yourself feel comfortable. If that means avoid anything pregnancy related for a while that's fine. Do not feel obligated to endure anything that causes you pain.

flyoffeve · December 2014

I am so sorry you are having a difficult time. (Hugs) PP have offered some good avice. Seeking professional help is a good thing.

I just wanted to share my past experience. My SIL had her first two weeks before my first mc EDD. I had no idea what to do. I did not even know about this site (however, I must have perhaps briefly because I have an 8 year badge), so I felt very alone and depressed about it. We found out she was pg when she showed up to our wedding with quite a bump. Then, I had to go to her baby shower and had to drive with MIL over an hour to get there. I ended up crying, had to leave the room, and made up some story later about some drama that caused it- I really don't remember what, just that I made up a story.

It comes back in waves. I find it hard to see my nephew reaching milestones. I watched him start Kindergarten a few years back. We have a family thing for his birthday every year. I always think about it then. I just bought him presents and when they arrived yesterday I thought about how I should be stumbling on toys from my own in the house.

However, there are times when I see him for my nephew. There are moments where I don't seem to think about it in terms of having my own that age.

Sorry to talk about my own story there. I just wanted to share that I understand what you are going through with your SIL's EDD and what you will likely be going through. Vent it out. I cannot offer advice on your H, because I cannot talk to mine about it.

Edit: Adding. I did not go to the hospital when her son was born. I sneakily arranged a trip out of town to my parents.

EIsieMae · December 2014

The 2nd anniversary of my first lost is in May, and I still get triggers. Some days were better and some days were worse. Of course it has gotten harder again since my most recent loss in October.

It's so difficult, because you can't put a timeframe on grief. But I do recommend finding a good therapist, for almost anyone in this shitastic situation. Huge hugs to you.

welly01 · December 2014

@PinkCamino, my coworkers do not know about my loss. My boss and a few others in the office know. The pregnant coworker does not know and I feel its best I don't tell her. I am almost certain her response would not make things better. She was not talking directly to me, I just overheard the conversation.

@ktlovess, I agree with you that the build-up is worse than the actual event. I had to see my SIL at a birthday party in November and I was seriously sick to my stomach the whole day leading up to the party. But at the party, I was fine. Well, not fine, but definitely had things under control. The other week I made myself walk past the pregnant coworker and look directly at her bump. And I survived. I guess maybe today I'm just having a particularly rough day. And I don't want to live in a bubble. I will have a niece/nephew that will always be a reminder of this loss. DH is pretty close to his brother. I don't want this to harm our relationship with them.

@megrae12, "falling into the abyss" is such an accurate description of this experience.

@flyoffeve, thank you for sharing your story.

BookishMomma · December 2014

mlal78 said:

I do find it a little unreasonable that your dh is trying to put a deadline on your grief process. There is no timeline, and honestly, you may very well never be 100%. There may always be some little trigger. He can`t tell you how to grieve, or for how long.

THIS. My own DH thinks I should not be triggered so easily. I know he wants me to move on, even though we're not even a month out from our last loss. I think he's just tired of the trying and losing, trying and losing. And I can't blame him. I feel that way a little bit, too. But being fed up with the hand we've been dealt doesn't stop me from feeling a stab in the heart when I see someone with a bump or get a birth announcement from a friend who was due around one of my EDDs. So that's what I tell him. I tell him I'm not trying to "hold on" to grief. I'm just trying to FEEL it, and not suppress it, so that I can truly move on when I'm ready.

((Hugs))

GeorgiaDottie · December 2014

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. In the last 2 years of trying and losses, some days are better than others. There are days that I still get upset when I see a baby or when a friend tells me she is pregnant. The best thing to do is focus on yourself and find a timeline that works for you, regardless what your husband says. I know he means well but he isn't you and it isn't his body so you have to do what is best for you. For several months after my second I avoided my MIL completely, until she finally asked my husband what was going on. Some people think they are being sensitive when really they just sound like a jackass.

Take care of yourself.

ellebelle2384 · December 2014

Huge hugs. I agree with PPs that some days are worse than others. I don't expect my feelings of grief to ever fully go away. It's something that I learn to live with and evolve with. One of my favorite sayings about grief is that it is not linear. Only you can know where you are in the process and if you need more time away from triggers then make sure to take care of yourself. ((hugs))

welly01 · December 2014

EurydiceNymph said:

If you lost your father how long would it be before you were over it? How long until you don't have a tear in your eye on Father's Day, or his birthday, or his favorite song came on the radio? The rest of your fucking life you will miss him. My children are no less my children because they never took their first breath. They are part of my family and they died. I will miss them for every second of my life.

@EurydiceNymph, I've seen you say this before and it is such a perfect analogy. Thank you.

blackbird818 · December 2014

EurydiceNymph said:

Also, I have said it over and over and over again but this is the example I use in real life and it seems to get through to people:

If you lost your father how long would it be before you were over it? How long until you don't have a tear in your eye on Father's Day, or his birthday, or his favorite song came on the radio? The rest of your fucking life you will miss him. My children are no less my children because they never took their first breath. They are part of my family and they died. I will miss them for every second of my life.

There is no time frame for grief. Triggers will affect you for as long as they will affect you. And that is okay. Anyone who doesn't understand it can kiss the fattest part of my fat, stretchmarked ass.

I love you!

rmpar29 · December 2014

Grief comes and goes. The roller coaster ride really, really sucks! The triggers still happen for me now and then, but it's definitely easier to deal with then the first few months after my loss. I did seek counseling and I encourage you to if you want. There's certainly nothing wrong with having a sounding board for your thoughts and feelings. I think you will find that in a couple months you will have more good days than you do now. Your co-worker's and other's pregnancies will be easier to deal with. But, those bad days could creep up at any time too.

I agree with PPs that your sanity and protecting yourself are most important right now. I would also make it clear to your DH that putting you on a timeline to move past this isn't helping and makes it worse. He needs to be there to support you.

Many (((((HUGS)))) and I'm sorry that you are struggling!

katib77 · December 2014

We are coming up on a year since our last loss and the triggers are less...but I think for me it's because I've moved on to child free so I don't have the time frame in my head of "if I'm not pg by..." weighing on me. Main triggers are FB photos on holidays (halloween, easter etc), and dates - this last month was hard because it was the year since I found out I was expecting, end of this month will be a year since the m/c, and of course the due date in August was hard. But PG women and babies don't trigger stress from m/c - just sadness over knowing we'll never have a living child. So being child free has a different turn on the emotions.

But I agree - if you feel it is getting worse, not better it is time to see a therapist. I found the first three months after each m/c to be the hardest and you're not past that; but as I went through those first three months I found that each month was a little better than the last and it helped me moving forward to realize each and every month would be better. Now 11 months out from my last m/c I do find there are days when I don't even think about the m/c itself. Now sure, there is not yet a day that goes by that I don't think about the fact that I won't be a parent...but I'm only six months into child free life and remind myself that with this too each month is better. If you don't find yourself feeling better now than you were last month - crying less, the sadness, the triggers etc then find yourself a counselor knowing you are doing something to make yourself and your relationships better.

incir · December 2014

((hugs)) I'm sorry that your husband isn't letting you grieve in your time.

I'm only a little way out from my loss, but I know we've spoken about how hard the Thanksgiving holiday was and I wanted to give you some support. For me some days are harder than others. It will come and go with time and what is going on. Also, going to a counselor might be a big help but if you do I would caution your husband that counseling isn't the make your grief go away but to help you with it.

daydreamer3451 · December 2014

I am not very far out, but I realize the number of triggers that I have. I was fine all day today, until one of my co-workers brought in her baby. Prior to the MC I was all excited about meeting the little one, but today when she came to my office for me to meet her, I also had to retreat to the bathroom and had a good cry.

I feel that sometimes as supportive as our husbands may be at times, they don't understand the loss that we are going through. My husband for one told me that he doesn't understand the connection that I had, and that his way of grieving is very different then my own.

Sending you hugs and positive thoughts! It is okay for you to have triggers. It is okay for you to take the time that you need to grieve. Good luck to you!

ctk181 · December 2014

Just wanted to reiterate that I think your feelings are completely normal and you are certainly not alone. My loss was in August and for some reason this month has been exceptionally hard for me and I have had multiple days where I have had to go the bathroom during work to cry it out. I'm not really sure why, but I think as PPs have suggested, everyone kind of experiences that roller coaster of emotion following a loss. I myself have been considering trying to find someone to talk to about it, so I do not think it is a bad idea at all! The only thing holding me back is I have no idea where to start looking and due to my current emotional states I get easily overwhelmed as soon as I start the process of trying to find a therapist. I am glad you are doing what is best for you and your own emotional well-being, if that means skipping certain holidays or family events, so be it. My mom just recently sent out an email to her close group of friends and their daughters trying to plan a get together at the beginning of next month. Several of the daughters have had babies over the last few months so I know I will be skipping that event because I just cannot handle it right now and I think that is okay. You have to know your limits and I hope you don't feel guilty for saying no when you need to say no. So many ((hugs))

Nikolie93 · December 2014

I love what most every other person posted and I agree with others that there is no timeframe on grief. I have a feeling there will be triggers forever, it's not something you simply "get over".

I wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through this *hug*

@eurydicenymph your quotes and your words always move me :x

stephy1221 · December 2014

I don't generally get triggered by pregnant woman anymore but there are moments that catch me off guard at times.

Everyone is different though and my best advice for you is to not borrow tomorrow's troubles. You may or may not be fine with going to a baby shower in a few months but it is nothing to worry about today.

Get through each day the best you can and be kind to yourself. hugs.

rubysi · December 2014

I have very few triggers now. I guess I would rather interact with a baby than deal with a pregnant woman. Even then I recognize it as a twinge of jealousy. I also had a coworker with dates close to mine and found it difficult to be around her until she was back from maternity leave.

welly01 · December 2014

rubysi said:

I have very few triggers now. I guess I would rather interact with a baby than deal with a pregnant woman. Even then I recognize it as a twinge of jealousy. I also had a coworker with dates close to mine and found it difficult to be around her until she was back from maternity leave.

This is what I'm afraid of. Five more months to go...

Thank you everyone for your responses.

kreardon11 · December 2014

Agreed with PP.

You need to do what's best for you though. I wouldn't let my DH tell me when I get to go to family functions. That's a hard pill to swollow, but that's my opinion.

I get triggers all the time, honey and the only way I've been healing is by going to therapy and self reflection.

It won't be an overnight thing, so when you need support know you can come here, seek professional help, or just drink a bottle of wine. Your body, your emotions, your rules.

I won't say "you'll feel better soon" because I can't fucking stand when people say that to me, but I will say that as you begin to cope and find your center again, the future may begin to look brighter.

So, so, much love and squishy hugs.

Now go pamper yourself.

peregrinefalconx · December 2014

1 month after a DNC is still in major hormonal changes, from my experience. I think things start to settle down within the first 3 months. But that doesn't mean that triggers don't happen. We had another woman recently in a somewhat similar situation on the board. If at all possible, I think pulling aside the other woman and having a polite but frank discussion could be helpful if you feel comfortable. As much as it causes you emotional upset, you shouldn't have to live in fear of when the lady is next going to pop by and share her news.

Some days are easier, others harder. I cry every morning. Been crying half of this morning. I cried in f-ing Target yesterday trying to pick out some stupid baby present for a shower tomorrow. And I can also deal with babies, but not preg ladies, particularly early pregnancies.

I do not think you should be anticipating 6 months into the future... you never know where you will be. Good luck in all your decisions about the holidays. They can be tough. Just follow your gut. And I'm sorry about your loss. XXs.

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Can we talk about triggers, healing, and time frames? (triggers mentioned)

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