How/When to tell family that is having trouble conceiving?

katelynann2011 · December 2014

My husband and I have a set of immediate family members that are having trouble conceiving for about 8 months now. Any advice how to tell them? We are planning on waiting until at least 10-12 weeks to tell his side of the family anyhow (last time we told them at 6 weeks and about half the town knew the next day- I was a little upset-feeling that it was our secret to share) I am super excited to announce our pregnancy but want to be cautious of their feelings as well.

LAF0926 · December 2014

My Sister-In-Law has been trying for 8 months now and just went to an RE. We are very close. She was my MOH in my wedding in September. She was actually the second person I called after I found out. I could hear the excitement in her voice and I know she was genuinely happy but I know there has to some part that is upset by it. I really don't bring it up with her unless she calls and asks questions. So, I am trying to not "rub it in her face" per say.

I think you just need to come out and tell them. I am sure they will be happy for you!

Ampaints · December 2014

As someone who was in the trouble conceiving category for many years I would say tell them privately if you can. With their happiness for you will be personal sadness. Give them time to process it. Personally I cried violently when I found out my SIL was pregnant, but after a week I was super excited and really enjoyed sharing her pregnancy with her. Hope it goes well for you!

[Deleted User] · December 2014

My best friend told me in person, and while I appreciated the effort I really would have preferred her to tell me over the phone, text, email, or facebook message.

Her fiance' was there too so I couldn't really react the way I needed to. I know that a text seems so impersonal, but I would have been able to process it the way I needed to. I would have been able to give her the reaction she deserved.

And when I say text, I don't mean texting, "I'm pregnant". Let them know you that you really care about their feelings, and want to tell them in a way that will hurt them the least.

I'm sure you will think of the perfect way to do it. Good luck

Edit: Oh, and you'll probably want to do that before telling the rest of the family. You don't want them hearing it from someone else.

llw42614 · December 2014

I have a friend going through IVF and has been ttc for over a year. I told her in October that we were TTGP and so we have been updating each other with progress. Her first round of IVF was not successful so they will have to go back and try again. She knew it was testing time for me and I was super hesitant to share with her. She asked yesterday and when I told her she was so genuinely happy.. Hugs and almost tears and all! After having trouble she told me her point of view is that any child is a blessing and being able to get pregnant that quick is a blessing as well.
I think everyone is different & it may not be easy but they will understand. Maybe you should tell them separately first instead of making a group announcement so they have time to digest.

katelynann2011 · December 2014

Thank you for all the replies. We are fairly close and she has talked to me about how hard it is to see others easily getting pregnant, when it is so tough for them (not that she isn't happy, just frustrated I'm sure) I just didn't want to add to the list and see her hurt at all.

vtmargaret · December 2014

I have a friend who had 3 late losses and chose to get her tubes tied after her reproductive health problems made future pregnancies unwise. I was nervous about what she would say, but I told her first because I wanted her to hear it directly from me instead of someone else. I also told her over fb messenger so that she could react privately. She seems genuinely happy and we had a good conversation, but now that she knows I'll try to be respectful and not bring it up unless she does.

worldsokayestmom · December 2014

The first time around, my SIL and BIL had been trying for almost a year when we found out I was pregnant. We told BIL who broke the news to SIL himself. She was able to process however she wanted to, without everyone examining her reaction.

lebradford · December 2014

Just don't do it face-to-face, and my personal preference would be not even on the phone. A text or an email would be the best. It's really nice that you care enough to think about her feelings.

mreinke8289 · December 2014

Thanks for posting this. I was wondering the same thing as a friend of mine has been trying for baby #2 like we were. With her health problems, baby #1 was kind of a miracle. So many other moms we know are posting their pregnancy announcements and one day she told me if she read another one she was going to cry. Now that I have my BFP, I was wondering how to tell her.

BethKate2 · December 2014

Definitely wait until after the holidays, and ideally, don't do it face to face. If it has to be in person, do it privately. It's incredibly hard to put on a happy face and go about your normal day after getting hit with pregnancy news with you're having trouble TTC.

That said, 8 months isn't all that long, so maybe she'll be KU before you decide to tell the family at 10-12 weeks.

vtgoodspeed · December 2014

I told my cousin via private email. She later told me that it was the best way to tell her. She appreciated not having to put on a show of being happy when she had pain from wanting one of her own. Even her sister thanked me as many other family members had not been very thoughtful about. She ended up throwing me the best baby shower and I desperately hope to throw her one someday. She is going on Seven years of trying.

ShellyR · December 2014

Thank you for taking IF couples into consideration. Many people don't. When I found out my SIL was pregnant, I cried and lost an entire night of sleep. I felt ashamed about it, but that's what happened. A letter would be nice. We almost immediately told my BIl and SIL over Skype because they have been standing by us this entire time and knew what we were going through anyway. They had IF troubles and we would have never done it in person if we were not already close.

vsandbrook · December 2014

It's so great to have all of these suggestions. One of my BFFs and I have switched places. She was concerned about telling me when I was TTTC but now I'm worried when she's TTCAL. Of the two, though, me telling her now will be the more sensitive. The best-case scenario is that she'll have good news when I tell her, but I'll plan like she'll need some time.

So thanks, ladies for sharing your experiences on both sides.

lafsalot · December 2014

That's a tough one, I tried for years with my first husband to conceive and no luck (thank God!!) DH and I got pregnant the first try which surprised us both but was great, this was a God's plan not ours baby... Or I screwed up charting. The Godparents for our LO are having a hard time conceiving. We had prepped then ahead by asking if we did have a child if they would be God parents, then we told then in person. When my sister got pregnant when I was trying with my first husband she texted me both times... I was devastated. She was unmarried and it seemed unfair. I had a very hard time with my niece until I held her the first time, now I just feel guilty about being jealous because we never know the others troubles.

Kath1083 · December 2014

It is not the exact same thing, but we had a miscarriage at the end of September and it seemed like right after that happened everyone around me was pregnant. It was easier for me to hear about it with a text or email. I am genuinely happy for my close friends, but I was not in the mood for constant baby talk. She is lucky to have family like you.

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