Registry conundrum (long)

DM718 · December 2014

First, I apologize about what a distinctly first world problem this is.

My mother is super excited to be a grandmother, and has been busy buying stuff. Without going into a lot of details, we have decided we cannot control what she buys (but we can control what comes into our house). My dad has tried directing her towards making a big purchase and calling it a day (and apologizes every time he sees me that he also hasn't been successful).

This is our first baby, and we created a registry at Babies R Us. My mother is using this for guidance, but not necessarily sticking to it. Again, not a big deal - gifts are awesome and one less thing we need to buy. But when she buys from stores other than Babies R US, the items do not show up as purchased.

Here's our challenge: when she buys something inspired by the registry, should we remove it? ie, last weekend, she ordered 4 crib sheets from Kohls. Similar themes to the ones on our Babies R Us registry, so I think we'll probably be all set for sheets (though I'm not too worried about what happens if we end up with eight sheets).

Our registry is relatively small (there are currently 36 items available for purchase), and it includes anything we think we could use that we don't have, from a pacifier holder to a stroller. We got a lot of small useful things at Big City Mom's Baby Shower in Boston, so there are some items, like bottles and pacifiers, that we did not register for, since we're all set. We also got rid of so much stuff while moving this summer, we really don't feel like dealing with extra stuff right now, and we're four minutes from just about any store you could want (from Walmart to Neiman Marcus), so we figure we can get anything we need relatively easily if we miss some essential item.

The guest list I provided my sister with for the shower she's hosting is also small - about 15 guests. Almost all are people related to me or who I've known my whole life. Some can afford to buy a big gift (or would be inclined to, based on being family), but there's also the struggling single mother of two, or the family friend who works as a school lunch lady. I tried to make sure there was a selection of items at various price points - I hate looking at a registry and finding that it's all expensive stuff.

Here are the concerns about removing items from the registry:

Much of what I hear about my mother buying is at the lower to mid range of prices on our registry. I don't want guests to see a registry that only has the stroller, glider, and mamaroo remaining.
We're not 100% sure mum is actually buying what she says she is. For example, we've had several conversations about why we want a rock'n'play vs a bassinet - neither of our mothers sees the rock'n'play as a useful item, and both talk about how essential a bassinet is. So when she told me she bought a rock'n'play, I noted that I should verify that before removing it from the registry.

Reasons to remove items from the registry:

Returning items is no fun
I'm not really sure when my mother plans on giving me all this stuff she's telling me that she's bought, but I don't want to be in a position where someone buys something from my registry (ie, the simple / plain rock'n'play), and Mum shows off that she bought a fancier version (something she's mentioned when she tells me she bought us a rock'n'play).
My mother loves thrift stores. I'm not above getting used goods, but she's not necessarily as discerning about stuff as I'd be, and I know used goods kind of gross my husband out. We actually have a strategy for reacting to used goods my mother brings over, since the two of them are at such different ends of the spectrum on this matter. Some of the purchases we're hearing about may be in a condition that my husband will veto using.

Thank you to anyone who's gotten this far in my whining about the challenges of receiving gifts. Has anyone else dealt with this or something similar? Are returns to BRU relatively easy or a PITA? Should I try bulking up the low cost items after Christmas? Other suggestions?

CoozieInMyPurse · December 2014

I would first tell your mother thank you for her generosity, but to please stop buying things until others have a chance. This hasn't been an issue with my mom with baby, but I've shut down her buying me stuff in the past. She now does not buy me something until she has verified with me that I want/need it. I turn down about 50% of what she wants to buy. I also give her assignments. In the past that has been something like a knit black blazer or similar. She buys a bunch, I try them on and she returns what I don't chose to keep. As much as I appreciate her thought of me, I don't have the room or need for many things and I want her to spend that money on herself. Assignments may be helpful for your mom too. My parents and my in-laws plan to buy us the crib, which we haven't placed on a registry because of this.

I would remove things that your mother physically gives you that you intend to keep. Don't remove something just because she says she's purchased it.

DM718 · December 2014

Thanks! We've been trying to direct her (semi-successfully), and preparing ourselves to graciously accept what we can use and decline what we can't.

CoozieInMyPurse · December 2014

DM718 said:

Thanks! We've been trying to direct her (semi-successfully), and preparing ourselves to graciously accept what we can use and decline what we can't.

Yeah, I had to be really, really blunt to stop the shopping madness when I did it. You may have to hurt her feelings; my mom got over it, though...

drudolph11 · December 2014

Yea I have been trying to do this very ummm unbluntly lol cuz it just makes me feel bad. The thing is that my mom really can't afford to continue to buy things like she has. The problem is that my other mom is financially able to afford things and i know that she doesn't want to feel like my other mom has bought more stuff for the baby then her which is where i am at now. I'm able to at least stall her right now by telling her that we ate not getting anything else until after my baby shower but ya I don't have much advice except that i know it's tough. Maybe add some more lower price point things to your registry. I mean it wouldn't hurt any.

finallyourturn2 · December 2014

This happened with my husband's half sister when they invited themselves for 3 weeks. Her and their dad were trying to make up for not seeing him for 33 years and bought random stuff for babies. I knew that they were doing it to make themselves feel better and I did thank them, but it was a ton of clothes that are the wrong sizes for the season. They also went to Walmart and bought these evenflo car seats that didn't fit the stroller that we registered for. My husband said I was being ungrateful and refused to explain the car seat thing to them so I had to switch from the baby jogger with the added seat to the contour options. In the end I guess it is a more affordable stroller, but the baby jogger fit better in my trunk.

cafecreme · December 2014

Tell her to stop buying so everyone else has a selection before the shower date. I would try to persuade her into buying a big item, like your dad had said. Maybe even make a day out of it- go to lunch, and then browse BRU for a stroller, maybe even split the cost?

IMO 4 sheets is plenty for 1 baby. We have 7 atm for DD and baby #2.

In regards to BRU's return policy- their awesome. The best place to return stuff IMO. DD is 18 months old and I'm still returning stuff. Hell, stuff I've even bought from other places, that BRU carries, I return to there because I know they won't give me flack. Even without a receipt it's super easy.

DM718 · December 2014

Thanks for all the advice! We find we're constantly refining our strategy for dealing with her generosity, and hearing how others have dealt with similar options always helps.

caro5931 · December 2014

I had heard good things about bru return policy in the past. However, recently when I was in the store a new dad came in with a brand new walker to return without a reciept. It was probably about $80-$100 new. The employees said they had no way to look it up and would only give him$0.02 store credit. Yes two cents.... I was tempted to offer him a quarter for it since he was taking the store credit..... I'm afraid I would have embarrassed my boyfriend though lol. I would leave your registry the same and ask your mom to save all of her receipts. That way if something like that were to happen with a gift from someone else you could always return the duplicate your mom had purchased elsewhere.

cafecreme · December 2014

caro5931 said:

I had heard good things about bru return policy in the past. However, recently when I was in the store a new dad came in with a brand new walker to return without a reciept. It was probably about $80-$100 new. The employees said they had no way to look it up and would only give him$0.02 store credit. Yes two cents.... I was tempted to offer him a quarter for it since he was taking the store credit..... I'm afraid I would have embarrassed my boyfriend though lol. I would leave your registry the same and ask your mom to save all of her receipts. That way if something like that were to happen with a gift from someone else you could always return the duplicate your mom had purchased elsewhere.

Oh no! 2 cents, really? I must be super lucky and just go to a really good store. They always look up the numbers...I think the lowest amount I got for something was like 7$...and it was an 8$ bath toy. I always get retail price for the items I take back, regardless of receipt or not.

mamajack86 · December 2014

Not so much the same issues. But when we registered, we put a variety of items at different prices. However we still ended up with an abundance of items not from our registry and without gift receipts. Returning items was such a pain, however unavoidable. In the end we were just thankful to have been "showered" with so much for our baby boy.
As a STM Im kind of glad we don't have to go through it again, although with Christmas coming I've already been receiving baby gifts from family, I think they figure gifting us baby stuff is easier than trying to figure out what to get H and I (which is fine).

gnomemom · December 2014

I had to be pretty blunt with my mom to put a stop to the madness. Frankly, she has terrible taste and would buy stuff we would absolutely never use. She does not have much money and would buy lots of stuff secondhand, which is fine for some stuff in nice condition, but not everything. I don't want a used car seat. We hardly use any of the stuff she would get us.

With my mom, it helps to give her jobs. I know she wants to buy something and can't stop herself, so I try to limit the damage. For my baby shower the first time, her job was to make the punch and make some appetizers. It kept her busy doing stuff other than spending money on baby gifts.

kmvisioli · December 2014

Agree with pps that you could try going on a shopping trip with your mom or giving her "assignments" to curb the random buying. I would leave your registry as is until you actually see what has been purchased that you plan to keep.

I would add that if you are concerned about the gift options in the lower price range, you or your shower host can suggest that you'd also love books, toys, or diapers (which normally aren't on a registry). You may even be able to add that as a note on your registry page.

gnomemom · December 2014

Also, I'm sure we can suggest tons of smaller ticket items if you need ideas for your registry.

This freezer tray, great for making baby food: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0038JE5Y2/ref=br_it_dp_o_nS_ttl?ie=UTF8&colid=JCDOXNR4QM15&coliid=I32YKXWWVBBOHE&vs=1

Nose frida! So gross, but nothing works better: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00FZN2YGU/ref=br_it_dp_o_nS_ttl?ie=UTF8&colid=JCDOXNR4QM15&coliid=I3GEZ53UZT8EB1&vs=1

Getting a breast pump? Don't forget spare membranes and other accessories: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0001CTZ8K/ref=br_it_dp_o_nS_ttl?ie=UTF8&colid=JCDOXNR4QM15&coliid=I3TSL17GOKXX5

This adorable drying rack thing: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0032G9E0G/ref=br_it_dp_o_nS_ttl?ie=UTF8&colid=JCDOXNR4QM15&coliid=I2UKBDMLABCBP9&vs=1

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