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Need to vent about H

cdsenocdseno member
in August 2014 Moms
I am just at a loss lately.  My husband is a drinker, not a drunk, but he enjoys his booze.  There have been times in the past when it has been really bad and he hated his job and was drowning his hatred in liquor, coming home drunk at 4 or 5 in the morning, and sleeping until 1pm.  It was a really bad time in our marriage. He got a new job so he doesn't drink nearly as much, but now that we have 2 kids I just can barely tolerate it at all.  I spend all day alone with the kids and when he gets home from work he sits down with a beer and just checks out.  He will screw around for a while, have a couple drinks, slowly make himself dinner, and then is passed out on the couch by 8, while I get both kids ready for bed, clean up from the day, make sure his clothes are ironed for the morning, and put the kids in bed.  I have told him numerous times in the past couple of weeks that I am over it, and he will agree with me, and then the next night it is the same thing. I feel like it is such a sign of disrespect toward me and as a result of that I am super mean to him all the time.  Ugh!  I just need to let it out and I don't like to talk to anyone in my family about it.
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Re: Need to vent about H

  • slippintrippn84slippintrippn84 member
    I have all the feels for you. I'm going through this as well but with one kid and sub video games in for alcohol. Deff not the same thing, but I'm still the only one doing anything parental for LO. Andplusalso I kinda told him he was a worthless dad the other day and he's been all pissy. I sent DH a text today and told him I loved him and that I didn't like the way we treat each other and that I wanted to talk about it tonight. He said 'yes of course' which was good that he responded that way. Just had to be frank with approaching him to talk. We have yet to really talk about it though. He's playing video games at the moment...
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  • lookame3639lookame3639 member
    If you are upset about the booze could you ask if he'll limit the amount he's drinking in the evening? Like when he gets home ask him to limit it to one or two beers and after those are finished he helps give the kids a bath. Have you tried to ask him for help when it's needed? If so what does he do?

    I find it difficult to tell DH i want his help after the fact. It's a lot easier to ask him when it's needed instead of asking him for help then hoping tomorrow he'll follow through.
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  • cdsenocdseno member
    Yes it is the fact that he gets to come home and unwind and have just enough to drink to put him in a nice relaxed state to fall asleep. He helps if I ask specifically for something, but he will also grumble about it before doing anything, which pisses me off further. Neither one of us is getting much sleep in the MOTN because LO screams a lot so we are both on edge, but he acts like he is the only one who is tired all the time so that is why it is ok to fall asleep on the couch early. I told him we need to have a discussion about it tonight though because I am just tired of being annoyed with him constantly and he needs to know why.
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  • becominggoldbecominggold member
    edited December 2014
    @cdseno‌ I think that is a good plan. My DH is generally helpful, but he got very cranky about it the last couple weeks. We had a big fight over last weekend in which it came out that he feels I am putting the baby above him ( well duh....how can I not) and using the baby as an excuse (total BS) for certain things not getting done. Although I disagree, I did try to put myself in his shoes of how I used to do a lot for him that has changed. So since then I have tried to do one or two small things a day that he wants done or are meaningful to him. Yesterday it was get the dining table all decluttered....sounds stupid but he was so excited. I think it's making a difference because he was very helpful last night. ...bedtime was a huge ordeal and he actually got up out of his recliner and stepped in for awhile. Hugs girl! I totally underestimated the toll that having a baby would put on our marriage.
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  • kimberlybethhkimberlybethh member

    That is beyond frustrating! I would be super annoyed with that situation too. I think you mentioned being in school in another thread so I'm guessing that you don't have a lot of free time but would it be possible to carve out some regular solo time for you during the week or weekend to give you a chance to unwind? As @shevaCC said, he might be more appreciative/willing to help if he has to do things on his own.

    My DH is a lot more comfortable taking care of our toddler right now than DS. Sometimes I make him take her on an outing so I can zone out in front of the TV with the baby. Its not a true break since I still have DS but it does help me recharge a little since all I have to do is hold the baby.

    Does your older son still nap? On weekends, we each get a day to do whatever we want during DD's nap while the other watches DS. I usually take a nap on my day but I also have gone out and done errands. This has also been a sanity saver! I hope that things get better after your talk and you start getting the help you need and deserve!

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  • reb84reb84 member

    This is a hard situation...because he is an adult and it's hard to give consequences to his actions if he fails to follow through with his assigned chores; not like a kid who you can take stuff away.  My DH was drinking a little too much and was becoming rather rude to me and the girls.  I had mentioned it to him many times and he never thought he was that mean.  When his mom was visiting once, she noticed it and how hurt I was and basically told him to get himself together.  It worked and he rarely drinks now. 

    I have told DH that I feel like he is pushing, and continues to push and that one day he'll push too far and I'll be done.  That shapes him up for a few days and then the pushing returns.  Men are so dense sometimes and always blameless(sarcasm), because I mean hey, we never told them right? 

    When my sister finially told her ex she wanted a divorce, he was so dumbfounded as to why she would want to do that.  She'd been telling him for months that he needed to be more help to her and their son; and quit spending their money on his alcohol and online gambling. 

    I'm not saying you should get a divorce, I truely hope you (and all us other moms) can work through these difficult times and get our relationships back. 

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  • mfsunshine222mfsunshine222 member

    I am also right there with you and in many ways feel like I could have written your post.  I was informed by friends and family about the toll that LO would take on our marriage, but that in no way prepared me for how to deal with it!  Sometimes it feels like my life has been flipped upside down and his life has remained virtually unchanged.

    Some things we have tried in order to keep our sanity...

    1.) I try to remind myself of the things that he does do (ie. trash, yard work, laundry...don't be jealous he doesn't fold or put away the laundry he simply sticks it in the washer and dryer LOL).

    2.) Honey-Do Lists - I don't know if your husband would be insulted by one, but my H actually likes the lists...he says it keeps me from nagging:-)

    3.) Mommy/Daddy's night out.  In general Friday nights are my husband's night out and Saturday nights are my night out.  It gives him his "bar time", and I know in advance that I can't depend on him to do anything that night.  And also makes him appreciate what I do on a daily basis when he has to take care of DS all by himself on Sat. night.

    4.) Date night - My mom has been wonderful about letting us go out on a date about once a month so that DH and I can reconnect.

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  • chase16chase16 member
    snowflake91011 said:
    I'd say he needs to hold off on the beers until he's done helping you with the kids in the evenings.  I'm sorry you're not getting the help you need.

    This. DH and I have our wine time together after J is asleep. That's when we bond too. I'm sorry he's not being helpful. How much does he normally drink a night? Maybe you can suggest that he cuts back.. If he won't, time to seek other options? AA, counseling?
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  • cdsenocdseno member
    sweetpies said:
    @cdseno‌ Do you think he could have some mild depression?
    In his previous job, yes.  Though he doesn't love his job now, it is much more tolerable for him. I'm not making excuses for him because I work just as hard being at home, but he manages a restaurant and there are days that the immature employees just wear on him.  I understand because I worked in a restaurant for years and know how annoying young adults can be.  They want to make loads of money and not do any work for it, then he has to deal with guests who often will never be happy no matter what is done for them.  It is an exhausting job.  So is being a SAHM, and that is the conversation we had.  He works hard for 10-12 hours 5 days a week but I work hard 24/7.  That is what I wanted him to understand.  He seems to get it now.
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  • PeedyPeedy member
    I'm a recovering alcoholic.. I've been in AA since 2006. If the behavior keeps repeating.. He says he agrees with you.. And then still decides to drink the next day.. It may be that he is actually addicted to the alcohol. If you are clear with him and he still doesn't stop, try to be gentle with him.. He may want to stop, but not know how.
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