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Success after IF
How do you keep your marriage "alive"?
Since Reagan was born, I don't feel as connected to my husband as I used to. I absolutely admire him as a father, but I am so exhausted that it is hard to cherish him as a husband. He is so excited to get back to having sex, while I really cannot imagine finding the time or energy! I am completely in love with him and I don't want our marriage to take a backseat now that we have a daughter. So how do you make sure that you make time for your marriage? And I should add that we don't really have any family or close friends near us so finding a babysitter and going out together is out of the question right now.
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Re: How do you keep your marriage "alive"?
I wouldnt' worry so much right now, baby is still so little and you still have tons of hormones working. When baby gets a little older, you'll have more energy and things will get back to normal (a little).
Just give it some time!
E
our marriage has definitely taken a back seat..i just have to devote pretty much everything to my boys..and thankfully he understands that.?
he knows its only temporary..i try to muster the energy for sex everyonce in a while..but it has maybe been 6 times since the boys have been born...i keep telling him, it will get better, and it will, eventually...but right now, they are my priority...he and i will have our entire lives together, a year without the focus being on us isn't too bad. we have little moments together here and there after the boys go to bed, making dinner, watching tv..just talking..but mostly we enjoy being together as a family...
i think just finding those little moments, and making the most of them is important...we love that time
?
Joey, Ronnie, and Audrey,
my awesome IUI 30 week twins, and my surprise miracle
LOVE my SAIF ladies
it's kinda nature taking over - making sure all your attentions are directed at baby. So I blam that ;-)
Seriously, some advice I heard a while back, that REALLY works for me, in both my relationships, job, whatever...
ready...
Fake it 'till you find it.
Davez, on many occassions, drives me NUTS. Just nuts. But I love him. So I fake that I'm madly in love with him, it's really kinda funny, because I'm doing sweet nice things and he KNOWS I'm full of chit, but pretty soon, I'm not really forcing it, I *do* think his butt is the cutest ever, and I really *do* think he's a good man even though he didn't clean the toilet right. We've actually started doing this silly thing when we're REALLY mad at eachother about something, we just say "I just love you ALOT right now. So much, buddy" through our gritted teeth. It's kinda funny, well, at least to us it is.
I also pop in our wedding video once in a while. Or look at old pictures of us dating, or our big trip. When it was just us. Or do things for him I used to do when we were 1st dating, like send him a card, cook for him, and yes, suck it. lol.
I also refuse to co-sleep with the baby (our room, our time) and stop myself from going to sleep in the guest room even though he's snoring so loud I could cry. For better for worse.
HTH.
;-)
It gets easier to devote time to a marriage once the baby sleeps longer than 2 hours!
Right now, those first 6-10 weeks are all about survival, learning to be a mom, she is learning about you, and he is learning to be a dad. Marriage HAS to take a back seat at first, and that is just the way it is.
I will say little things make a difference. For every time you tell the baby you love her, remember at least once in a while to tell him! Thank him for what he does for her and for you. LET him be a dad. That is a hard one, but he can't learn if you don't let him. Make him a favorite dinner, or buy his favorite ice cream flavor. Try not not forget he exists! (which sounds silly but that little person takes over!) When you are allowed to have sex, consider actually doing it! (In this area, a little goes a long way! the willingness to try often is enough at first) And, as a pp said, Fake it! There are very few moms who are dying for sex 6 weeks pp, but sometimes if you do it anyway, you might enjoy even the closeness and affection. Even if sex seems like way to much work to a sleep deprived mom, it can be a good way to remember you are a wife, too.
I promise, it gets better! I highly recommend finding a good sitter with excellent references for at least 1 night a month to have a date night. And when she is sleeping a long stretch at night, get some good take out, light some candles and have a date at home.
It's great that this is a concen for you but like others have said - it's still early.
You'll find a better balance once the baby is sleeping more.
And - I too have no family locally. I didn't get a baby sitter for Dylan until he was almost a year old because he was a challenging baby.
HUGE MISTAKE.
Around 3 months you NEED to find a sitter you're comfortable with.
Post on Craigs list and interview as many as you need to but you really will have a healthier marriage (and a healthier "you" overall) if you use a sitter from time to time for dates and other things....
Hang in there!
Oh - and I love Davez's "fake it 'till you find it" response.
I've had sex out of wifely duty rather than desire more than I care to mention in the last year but I know all too well that when we go without it makes things so much worse all the way around.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
LO #1 - 1 unmedicated/self-monitored IUI w/ donor sperm.
LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
Life is beautiful!
The pp have all given great advice - you are still in baby learning/survival mode and things will get better. Cherish the little moments and yes, fake it if you have to just to keep that closeness and connection. Finding a babysitter is also important. You really do need time for the two of you even if it's just once a month. Craigslist is a good place to post an ad, or have your DH ask at his work - someone there might have a good babysitter.they can recommend. Hang in there!