Feelings...

kgs0505 · December 2014

Hi everyone! I haven't been around in a long time, so I hope everyone is well. My ID girls are almost 20 months old now!

I am writing a blog post for my IRL multiples group and I was wondering if some of you wouldn't mind sharing the feelings you had when you first learned you were having twins or more?

Thanks in advance for the help!

MrsP419 · December 2014

I wrote this on the one year anniversary of the day I found out I was having twins. Hope it helps!!

I should have written down my thoughts, that day a year ago, but I don't think I even knew where to begin.
When I lay on that ultrasound table, thanking God at the sight of one healthy baby, our 3rd baby, I could not imagine what would come next. The ultrasound tech moved the wand to the other side of my belly, and I heard the words "oh, look! There's another one!" I felt shock and disbelief and excitement and terror all at the same time. Two babies in my belly. I wish I could tell you I rose up in confidence and had ultimate trust that this would be amazing. I wish I could tell you that I immediately gave this news over to God and had peace through it. But no, instead I went home, paralyzed in fear, thinking things like "How can I do this?" and "What was God thinking?" and "There are SO many women better equipped for this than me." I called my friends and chuckled at their disbelief at the news, sharing the excitement over and over. I cherished the moments when I showed my mom the ultrasound photo, and the precious moment when we told (DD1) and she immediately started lining up her toys for her two new babies. But later that night called a fellow twin mom and sobbed my eyes out. All I could think of was how hard this would be My body was doing this incredibly strong thing of carrying two humans, and I felt so incredibly weak.
But where great grace was needed, great grace was provided.
I wish I could tell myself then that this would not only work out just fine, but would be wonderful. That I would adore not just being the mother of Audrey and Margot, but that I would also feel such blessing in privilege in being a mom of twins. I wish I could tell myself to breathe and trust, and that the peace that would follow would bathe my whole being.
As I think back to that life-changing day, a year ago, I have tears again. But this time, they are tears of gratefulness. I still don't know how He ever saw fit to give me these precious girls, but I am so glad He chose me for this calling.
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

zazu13 · December 2014

Our twins are the result of years of fertility treatment. On our sixth attempt after two losses we finally made it to an ultrasound. We were more shocked that our fifth IVF transfer had worked after so many disappointments than we were about there being two babies. This is what I wrote about the experience:

We found out we were having twins at only 7 weeks. We went in to check for a heartbeat and the nurse practitioner doing our ultrasound showed us a tiny baby on the screen. "Here's your baby's heartbeat," she said. Then she adjusted the view and said, "And here's your other baby's heartbeat." Cue the tears. I sobbed at the thought that our dream was finally coming true and not only were we being blessed with one precious gift, but two!

hais_mommy · December 2014

Shock, overwhelmed... Hate to admit it, a little disappointed:( We weren't expecting a pregnancy...let alone 2! Lol

ktibbits1 · December 2014

I wish I had written down thoughts and feelings from my pregnancy, what a great idea! It's still pretty fresh though so I can tell you with complete confidence that my reaction was one of shock and disbelief! The night before we went in for my 8w U/S DH and I were talking excitedly about seeing our baby for the first time and he asked, "What if it's twins?" to which I replied that that wasn't even possible so no need to think about that! When the doctor told us that there were two babies I thought I must be dreaming. For a good two weeks after I would randomly look at DH and ask if that really happened or if it was a dream. We were very excited but I was definitely also a little scared and not sure what to expect, of course.

Do you mind sharing your blog?

morrkim · December 2014

I had so many mixed emotions. I was shocked because they didn't run in the family. A few days before twins had crossed my mind, but I didn't believe it would be true so it was a big shock. I was excited, because when I was younger I wanted twins. I was also scared because after having my daughter I remember thinking I don't know how I would be able to handle twins. I was also thinking what are we going to do. I had just accepted a new job in a new town. The whole pregnancy I kept thinking it wasn't real. No way was I pregnant with twins and then I would have an u/s and there would be 2 babies.

spoonleg · December 2014

Shock. Fear. A little disappointment, if I'm being honest. I felt like some of the joy of having a baby was replaced with dread about having to manage two babies at once. I felt like we would be doing a disservice to our two kids by having them at the same time. I had to adjust my mental image of what our future lives would be like, and add an extra baby into the picture. I still struggle with that, because our twins aren't here yet. I have no idea what life will be like when they get here in a few weeks... and that totally terrifies me!

It took me a few weeks to even begin to feel the slightest bit excited about having twins. Now it's a blend of excited anticipation mixed with a healthy dose of anxiety!

kgs0505 · December 2014

You ladies are totally awesome! Thank you so much for sharing

As for sharing the blog, I will totally do so if I can convince our club members to make more of the website public. The blog is a new thing I'm trying to get going as a resource for our members. I'd love for it to have a wider audience. But I can for sure post a copy here when I get it done. Hoping to do so within the next month. I'm just dipping my toe in.

MKateG · December 2014

I wish I had kept a journal of my feelings throughout our IF journey. I just went through such a roller coaster of emotion I couldn't bring myself to write down such painful feelings. For our third transfer (fet) we decided to transfer two since the first two tries were unsuccessful. When the nurse called with my hcg results they were very high so I immediately suspected that they had both stuck. At my first u/s at 5 weeks we saw two sacs with yolk sacs and fetal poles. I felt immediate relief that both my embies had stuck. I was never scared that there two babies growing inside me that I would be a mother to, but I was completely terrified that something would happen to either of them. I feel so extremely blessed that these two babies are healthy and will be here soon! :-)

Emilywooddesign · December 2014

I lay on the ultrasound table and swore quite a few times! I was shocked because the thought of twins didn't cross my mind. I was disappointed and scared shitless- I just wanted one baby, why am I having two? And at the same time? You have to be kidding me. I though, we need a bigger house, we need a bigger car, we need to move closer to my parents. I've calmed down a bit now and I'm excited but it still boggles my mind that this happened.

breezyweezer · December 2014

Well, it's not a very popular feeling to have, and I don't tell anyone other than other MoM'S because they judge and can't understand, but I felt/feel overwhelming sadness at the same time as feeling extremely excited...It's really hard to explain or describe. I'm sad that I won't get to experience the bonding of being a mother with only one baby for the first time, I'm terrified that we won't be able to support two children on $1,000/month which is what my fiance support us both on, I'm depressed that I will never have the life I imagined with one baby. On the other hand, I am excited that I get to be a part of a beautiful and special experience, I'm thrilled that my babies will always have each other and hope they will be best friends, I'm happy that God must have thought I could handle this or He wouldn't have chosen me to have twins. Of course I was shocked at first as well. It's a very confusing and conflicting time.

hchellebelle · December 2014

I am super relieved by these responses ladies. We have a DD, which I was fine with. My DH wanted another and we were shocked after a year of trying that there was a problem with him. So we ended up doing IVF. I am 37 so I felt like I had to implant two even though I had carried my DD no issues. Needless to say both took. The day of the first U\S at 7 weeks I was convinced I had started to miscarry (leftovers from my OHSS) so it took the sting out of the news. I am still struggling with feeling excited though. I am terrified of all of it. Carrying them, birthing them and taking care of them. I wasn't this way with my DD. I feel guilty about not being excited but I can't seem to get over everything else. I am hoping my U/S coming up with make me feel closer to them and maybe a little excited for their arrival.

MrsP419 · December 2014

quinncat said:

I remember being so nervous. I just wanted to see a heartbeat. I didn't think I would be able to get pregnant again because of all my fibroids. The ultrasound tech said "do you see what I see". I said a heartbeat? And she said 2! Twins don't run in my family, so completely unexpected. I didn't think one egg would be able to implant, let alone 2. I just started laughing. I think the first thing I said to my husband was now we need a new car. Mine won't hold 3 car seats. I was so anxious my first pregnancy and really hated being pregnant. I swore this one was going to be different. As soon as I heard twins, I got anxious again. I really tried to enjoy my pregnancy since it was going to be my last one. I do mourn not being able to enjoy my pregnancy like I wanted. I get sad that I can't spend the quality time I want to with each kid. I'm always worried that I'm holding one too much and not the other. The mothers guilt is awful sometimes. My 3 year old is not adjusting to the babies well. It's been really really hard. It has also been really great. Seeing their eyes light up for me is awesome. Watching them laugh at their big brother makes my heart so full. Having twins is such a mix of emotions.

I resonate with so much of what you are saying, @quinncat. Literally one of the first things that popped into my head when I found out I was pregnant with twins was "oh...guess we need a minivan." I was purely miserable through the pregnancy and wracked with guilt. I was convinced that having twins would be so so hard, and in no way better than one. I am so grateful that it has been much better than I could have imagined, but it is definitely different. One of my girls woke up during her dream feed at 11, and I took her out of her crib for a little. It occurred to me, rather bittersweetly, that I don't feel like I *know* her (or her sister) as individually and singularly as I know my other kids. I am so used to caring for my twins as a unit: one up, both up. Naps at the same time. Laying on the playmat together so I can tend to my older two. I love the experience of having twins, but when I stop to think (which I don't often have time to do), I feel guilty that they are basically having a shared babyhood right now. It really is a mix of emotions; I would not trade it for anything, and having had two singletons, it is really just as special. But it is so strange to think about how different and unique this is.
And also a bit bittersweet overall because these are the last ones...it was like I had one last shot to enjoy a pregnancy and newborn phase, and the pregnancy was so miserable and the newborn phase, though not bad at all, was a blur.
I rest in the fact that God is in control of it, and other twin moms have told me that it continues to be unbelievably cool and special.

twinmom1121 · December 2014

I had always wanted twins growing up but never thought that I would ever have them, let alone on my first pregnancy so I was very surprised when the ultrasound technician told us there were two babies in there. I cried immediately, tears of joy and happiness because I just couldn't believe it. It took a while for it to sink in. I still after a year of them being here, can't believe it sometimes!

crason · December 2014

We just found out yesterday when we had our first u/s at 8 weeks. We are thrilled and can't stop laughing.

Feegan · December 2014

I am excited and terrified. After having struggled with infertility and having a loss it still seems surreal that we are now expecting two! Obviously it was always a possibility with multiple eggs at ovulation and I even suspected it before it was confirmed, but to know for sure was still a shock. I just laid there laugh crying because I was so happy to see heartbeats and overwhelmed that there was more than one. I know it's going to be crazy and I often wonder how I'll be able to manage, but I know we all find our way eventually.

Bigboneded · December 2014

Out u/s tech didn't say anything or let us see the screen until she was done, then turned it toward us as she asked, "Do twins run in your family?" My husband said, "You're kidding!" And I said, "Twins are lucky!" I suspected with how dark the EPT line was that we might have twins. My hubby says he is "excited and terrified".
We are 32 weeks now, I am still happy and grateful. We had a loss last year, so I guess I almost think of these girls as catching us up!
I know I will be overwhelmed and sleep deprived later, but for now I just feel blessed... all has gone very well with this pregnancy, I pray the birth will, too.

kgs0505 · December 2014

Thanks again ladies for continuing to share

LittleLady77 · December 2014

After years of infertility and tons of money spent trying I was so happy to be pregnant and even happier with was twins. If my treatments never work again at least we would have a couple of kids. I was scared because twins come with a higher risk but I was just so happy to be pregnant the fear took a backseat.

kgs0505 · December 2014

@ktibbits1 I think I will be able to make the blog public

I'll share it once it's posted! I'm hoping to get the first post out in very late December or early January. I'm just trying to put a couple of hours together to write everything up!

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