Baby Shower Etiquette

julievdm12 · December 2014

Ok. I tried to type this out once and it literally disappeared halfway though. (Joys of being mobile I guess) so I just hope I don't repeat myself.
Anyway, I need some help figuring out if my thoughts are legit or if I'm just hormonal and ungrateful.
My mom told me she wants to plan me a baby shower which I think is super sweet. I was feeling her out as to when she needed me to be available (we live 3 hours from my parents) and she said: "I am more of an after the baby type of person. How will anyone get to see the baby! And honestly how much do you need before the baby comes anyway?!"
And all I can think is: "um.... Everything?!"
I know it's not unreasonable for us to buy things we need for ourselves, but I mean, the list of things for a baby beyond just clothes just goes on and on and on!
Also 2 weeks after the baby is due, we have to try and be down visiting my parents because there is a giant party being thrown for my grandfathers 80th birthday. So by the time I can travel down there again for a shower the baby will already be 3 weeks old or more, so doesn't it seem like a long way to wait to have a shower when there are so many things a new mom would need?

Do you ladies think I will come across rude and ungrateful if I ask her to please have it before the baby?
I mean, the argument could go, "if someone is throwing you a shower, you don't argue any of it. You just say thank you." And "if you have things you NEED for the baby, buy them yourself"
But, I just feel like it's impractical to have it after and I'm just going to get a whole bunch of clothes instead of things that are "essentials".....
Sorry this is long....
Thoughts?

littlewest1 · December 2014

I'd see if she'd do it before the baby comes, not rude or ungrateful. I get the idea of a "meet the baby" party but showers are typically before the baby comes so you can get everything set up before arrival. If it's after all you would get are clothes.

PinkDahLia44 · December 2014

I don't know what the etiquette says (aside from be grateful that she's throwing you a party) but I agree this is strange. I would talk with her about it. You can't MAKE her do anything, but try to sit down and calmly explain your reasons. Maybe she will change her mind?

hillbillywife · December 2014

Is this your first baby? I think there are always tactful ways to say things. I don't think it's unreasonable to want your shower beforehand, especially if you're banking on the generosity of the people invited to help you with the things you need. Good luck!

starshollow · December 2014

I would not have been up for a party 3 hours away for a long time after DS was born. Are you BFing? It takes a long time to really establish a good routine and traveling would be a pain in the ass.

Plus, I would be wary of that many germs before baby gets vaccinated. Many doctors advise against big crowds for 2 months.

You can ask for it before or politely decline.

redneckmomma25 · December 2014

I'm all for a meet and greet as a STM but not as a FTM. At 2 or 3 weeks you are not going to want to be center of attention for a few hours, playing games and opening gifts. You will not enjoy it as much as you would before. You are going to be healing and bleeding and exhausted. I would voice those concerns to your mom as well. Also, I'm not sure I would want my 2 or 3 week old exposed to that amount of people. People will expect to hold the baby. I'm all for family holding and limiting exposure but I'm not sure I'd really be comfortable with that. You normally have family and friends coming to a shower vs it being a small intimate gathering. Plus if you will be there for your grandfather's 80th( we will have my husband's grandfather's 80th right after the baby is born as well) people will get to meet the baby soon after the arrival.

be888 · December 2014

One thing to consider as well, is that your due date is an approximation. You may have your baby much later than that. I wouldn't want to be stressed about a Meet the baby/Baby Shower thing that is already planned. I would tell her frankly, that it's not when showers take place usually. If people want to meet the baby they can drive to you.

fourthtimesacharm · December 2014

If her only point to have it after is for people to meet the baby, won't they be able to meet the baby at your Grandfather's 80th birthday?

julievdm12 · December 2014

@hillbillywife‌ I am a FTM.
And @starshollow‌ I am planning to BF and that was my thought too. I am tired just thinking of trying to be "perky and upbeat" for a shower. :P

And thanks everyone. I'm so glad it's not just me. My mom and I have a great relationship, but she sometimes can offend easily and I don't want to hurt her. I think @souptin‌ 's point is the approach I'll take. Ask, but don't push it. You guys are the best.

be888 · December 2014

I'm seriously surprised a mother would suggest that. I can see it from someone who doesn't have children, but from someone who has gone through it, I don't understand.

lindsayanne14 · December 2014

I agree with the pp in that it's most common for showers to take place before a baby's arrival. I would talk to you mom about it, and stick to concerns you have, like traveling twice shortly after baby is born, trying to keep your new baby away from crowds of people, and knowing that you couldn't even plan too far in advance because you don't actually know when baby will be born. I think if you keep "I want all the stuff before the baby comes" out of the conversation it will prevent you from sounding ungrateful.

bmblebea · December 2014

Totally agree with pp- I would not want a roomful of people passing around my 3 week old unvaccinated baby and it is not a shower if it's after the baby. You will have to buy everything yourself- in the first 3 weeks you need a place for the baby to sleep, the car seat, feeding accesories- etc. not quite sure why your mom thinks you don't need anything. I agree with pp who said it sounds like it's more about a party for her to show of the grandkid than being about showering you with good wishes and things you will need for the baby. If it were my mom, I'd definitely speak up- and if she doesn't want to throw a shower before the baby, I'd say no to a party at 3 weeks. They can darn well see my baby after her vaccinations.

mhickey426 · December 2014

RHoPA1109 said:

mbm1983 said:

i'm gonna add, if it were my mom, i would laugh and completely shake my head at her and say, "uhhh no mom. that's dumb because of (X,Y, Z reasons)." but that's just how we roll.

I'm in this camp, too. Mine would probably sound more like, "Are you serious? That is the dumbest f*cking thing I've ever heard of!" but I was trying to nice it up for OP, because not everyone has a crappy relationship with their moms like I do.

Same here! Speak up and state your case 1) I wouldn't want my newborn around that many people 2) 3 weeks after giving birth I was in no mood to have to travel to a party. Especially, if the party is where I was going to be the center of attention. 3) There is a lot of things you need when the baby is first born. I am not saying it is the responsibility of others to buy you things for you baby but that is part of a shower. They guests are "showering" the mother with gifts for the arrival of the baby.

ally3242 · December 2014

I don't think you would sound ungrateful if you asked her to throw this shower before your due date. Obviously, you want to be fully prepared to bring your baby home. Not to mention having a party right after you have a baby isn't exactly a smart idea...that's a lot of people breathing their germs and touching your baby. Total overload, if you ask me. I was also not in the mood or physically feeling up to doing anything social until at least a month after I had my first. I even had to miss my cousins wedding, but my well being and the well being of my baby was the most important, not the shit I got from him and others in my family.

theinvadermothership · December 2014

Happy and upbeat, try presentable and showered for a shower?

) The best part of of having a shower before is not just gifts, but regulating who handles baby after they are born. Great Aunt Helga who always has a runny nose won't have to see baby right away with a shower before hand. Also if there are other children at this meet and greet, let's be real, they tend to be full of little germs. Not to say other kids aren't great but controling the environment your newborn is in is vital.

Honestly i would ask and if she says no, decline a party then. You have the right as the mother to decide what is best for you and your child. And Gramps' 80th birthday...? Yeah i would be stating a 'we'll see' policy. I have no plans to travel further than my bedroom to living room in the first two weeks she is born, let alone deliverying late is a possibility.

Good luck.

NoraMia · December 2014

I agree with the pp's who said they would just be honest with their mom. My mom would get an eye roll followed by a "that's not happening." Also, as also stated by the pp's I don't know how I would feel about people touching my newborn so early on.

starshollow · December 2014

I will say that we did have a BIG gathering 8 days after DS was born. We had about 50 people over for a bris (Jewish ceremony). But it was in our house and I had a lot more control over being able to escape to the nursery for a break or feeding. Traveling far and being in someone else's house would have sucked a lot more.

catlover790 · December 2014

I agree with all the points already made. If it were me, I also would tell my mom in a nice way that wasn't what I wanted. I would be worried about the germs, and just that I won't want my baby passed around to everyone! I think I'm going to be possessive for a few weeks!

If your mom insists, if it were me I'd decline. I hope she is willing to host a traditional shower for you! GL!

HZ2012 · December 2014

I would talk to her. I will say, as far as needing a whole lot the first 3 weeks, you really don't. I didn't have a shower with DS1, and got all of my gifts after he was born. It worked out fine. Not necessarily the easiest or most convenient way to go about it, but it wasn't the end of the world.

On the flip side, I highly doubt you'll want to be traveling so much 3 weeks in. You'll probably be exhausted and trying to get into some sort of routine with LO. And if you're anything like me, you're not gonna want your 3 week old being passed around to 100 people. (Again, that's me - not everyone).

Talk to her, she may be totally fine with it. GL!

lexyraejay · December 2014

FWIW, I would make sure to focus on it being overwhelming and exhausting for you and the new baby rather than needing items before baby is born. My mom hosted a baby shower before DD was born but my in laws traditionally do them after the baby is born. I was annoyed by the in law's traditions, but it worked out in the end. We did it when DD was 3 months old and many of the gifts were focused on things needed as baby gets older: a convertible car seat, toddler feeding items, bigger clothes, etc.

redheaded14 · December 2014

Not to beat a dead horse, but +1 to what everyone else has said. Since its your mom I think it's ok to decline and ask to do it before hand. It'll it was someone else, I don't know.

cwiceangel · December 2014

I would talk to her. I told my mom that I would prefer to have it in February so I'm not tired and can enjoy my guests etc. and I also asked her to have it at my house. Loading up gifts and unloading just isn't my idea of fun at 8 months. And seriously we live two mins from each other. She agreed with me. Also having it after baby comes seems a little daunting to me. Three hour drive a couple times in a couple weeks is exhausting with a newborn.

topaz7777 · December 2014

I'd push the visit later as many people have said. 3 hours in a car 3 weeks after delivery sounds very painful to me. Not to mention the whole vaccination issue. But really your doctor doesn't clear you until 6 weeks anyway, I'd definitely wait at least that long before the trip. But heck, if she wants to do a shower then sure.

I'd talk to some other friends/family that are local and see if any of them are going to throw a shower for you before baby. I know my MIL ended up throwing one shower, then my sister threw me another, and I think I had one at work also. If one had been after baby was there, I still would have had most of what I needed for a newborn.

I will note that I'm definitely not the etiquette example by any means.

julievdm12 · December 2014

@tupelohoneybee‌ no not Jewish.....just probably what most people have said which is excited to show off her first grandchild to everyone she can.
I'm planning to talk to her, lay out my concerns and if she won't budge on doing it until after I'll just say it has to be a while after baby is born so I can get back on my feet.

theinvadermothership · December 2014

julievdm12 said:
@tupelohoneybee‌ no not Jewish.....just probably what most people have said which is excited to show off her first grandchild to everyone she can.
I'm planning to talk to her, lay out my concerns and if she won't budge on doing it until after I'll just say it has to be a while after baby is born so I can get back on my feet.

Definitely do at least this. Last thing you need is to be exhausted and sore and overwhelmed and start resenting your mother for making you fo this so close to your delivery. Stand your ground and exercise your right as a mom to dictate what is best for you and baby.

somewheresublime86 · December 2014

Really, it sounds like your Mom is so excited to show off her grandchild that she probably hasn't thought through the logistics or what is convenient and best for you. I hope your chat goes well. There are plenty of good reasons to have the shower before baby arrives and none of them are things that she *should* take personally.

knjzacher · December 2014

Ya I wouldn't want a shower after. Not even for the gifts, but along the lines of what everyone else said. Your vag is gonna maybe still be sore (sorry) and sitting in a car for that long twice in 2 weeks is not something I'd be after. Also, no, house full of random family members, I'm not passing my fragile newborn around to your unclean hands and coughing mouths. And the breastfeeding thing. I don't need all my aunties checking my rack when I'm new at breastfeeding and struggling with latch, giant nip flopping everywhere. I also don't want to have to hide because great aunt whoever thinks it is inappropriate to breastfeed in public.

Here's another reason: at a shower before baby is born, it's much easier to let unwelcome advice slide. You're tired and pregnant but still able to be polite and smile, and then go home and nap. After baby comes, you are on 2h interrupted sleep per night, you feel disgusting and your pre baby clothes don't fit, and mat clothes look loose and empty, and your twat may still be obnoxiously painful and oozing. You're cranky as fuck and if you have to hear your weird cousin preach about the anti-vax movement or see great granny pick at LO's cradle cap and tsk at you for not getting rid of it already, you'll have a mental breakdown and explode. For real.

Just tell mom: I don't want a shower after, I want one before if you're gonna do one. Thanks Mommy love you xoxox.

Edit: cause I re read and this was all kinds of dumb with typos.

eponte · December 2014

Honestly, at the risk of sounding ungrateful, I would probably feel like saying "thanks but no thanks." I like to be prepared and have everything ready to go. With my son, I was even aggravated that my mom had my shower less than 2 weeks before my due date. It was late August and I was already huge, retaining TONS of water, and SUPER hot. I appreciated the thought and effort but I wish she would have done earlier. Also, I wouldn't want to bring my BRAND NEW BABY to my shower. While opening gifts that means my baby is going to be passed around to tons of people that have spring colds, are eating over the baby, kissing it's face, etc. No thank you! This would just give me anxiety, but I might be weird on that. Haha. I'm cool with kid setting dirty, etc but not my brand new baby. I like to protect that little one from that stuff!

crossfit704 · December 2014

My MIL is crazy superstitious and wanted to do the same thing. DH and I live 14 hours away and have to fly to go home (or a very long drive which I am not making with a new born). DH had the conversation with his mother that, it was not an option and we didn't know if we would be up to visit right after baby was born (never know what can happen, what if baby comes late, we both have jobs, etc).

My mother had offered to have a shower but wanted to do it either after or later in March/April. I simply told her I appreciated the offer but due to flying and being pregnant it needed to be done by the end of February, or I would have to decline having one. She decided to have it the last weekend in Feb (I am due April 19th).

There was some drama but DH and I finally said thats the choice or no…maybe it was bratty but we don't want a post baby shower too many logistics of traveling that kind of distance, and I was not going to fly that much later in pregnancy.

Cate92 · December 2014

I agree with PP - I would definitely want to have the shower beforehand, otherwise I would be stressing about not having the things that I need.

Andplusalso I'm the oldest of 8 and this baby is the first grandchild on both sides, we are already going to have to be showing him off and passing him around to family and friends as it is, I wouldn't want another event to have to show up to. I get the impression that going out the first few weeks with a baby, being clean, nice and dressed, is hardwork. Me no likey hard work - me likey sleep

JaneShops · December 2014

Agreeing with the PPs,

Just a suggestion, have a shower pre-baby locally & have our mom host the baby meet post-shower. If it's a 3 hour drive, won't the attendants be different?

Renate85 · December 2014

I agree with everyone but have another suggestion. If your mom is dead set on a shower AFTER te birth, why don't you ask her to organise a sip-and-see for afterwards, you pick the date. Then ask a friend/sister to organise the pre-baby shower. Don't know about you but I've got a load of friends who have offered and would love the chance. Logistically a shower before baby just makes a lot of sense. And this is coming from a wedding and events planner.

be888 · December 2014

I agree with everyone but have another suggestion. If your mom is dead set on a shower AFTER te birth, why don't you ask her to organise a sip-and-see for afterwards, you pick the date. Then ask a friend/sister to organise the pre-baby shower. Don't know about you but I've got a load of friends who have offered and would love the chance. Logistically a shower before baby just makes a lot of sense. And this is coming from a wedding and events planner.

You can't ask people to organize a shower for you, unless they offered. That's just bad etiquette.

be888 · December 2014

somerandomchick said:

I agree with everyone but have another suggestion. If your mom is dead set on a shower AFTER te birth, why don't you ask her to organise a sip-and-see for afterwards, you pick the date. Then ask a friend/sister to organise the pre-baby shower. Don't know about you but I've got a load of friends who have offered and would love the chance. Logistically a shower before baby just makes a lot of sense. And this is coming from a wedding and events planner.
You can't ask people to organize a shower for you, unless they offered. That's just bad etiquette.
Yes--a shower is a gift, so asking somebody to give you one is quite rude. It would be the equivalent of walking up to this friend unprompted to ask them to buy you a new handbag.

I should have bolded this part as well: And this is coming from a wedding and events planner.

babyluv1234 · December 2014

I live 5 1/2hrs from my mom and i asked her if she could do it in January since i dont want to be on the road or too far from my house when im huge. if you cant be honest with your mom who can you be honest with? good luck

Renate85 · December 2014

be888 said:

somerandomchick said:

be888 said:

Renate85 said:
I agree with everyone but have another suggestion. If your mom is dead set on a shower AFTER te birth, why don't you ask her to organise a sip-and-see for afterwards, you pick the date. Then ask a friend/sister to organise the pre-baby shower. Don't know about you but I've got a load of friends who have offered and would love the chance. Logistically a shower before baby just makes a lot of sense. And this is coming from a wedding and events planner.
You can't ask people to organize a shower for you, unless they offered. That's just bad etiquette.
Yes--a shower is a gift, so asking somebody to give you one is quite rude. It would be the equivalent of walking up to this friend unprompted to ask them to buy you a new handbag.

I should have bolded this part as well: And this is coming from a wedding and events planner.

Whoops! My mistake. Looks like there's a bit of a culture gap between etiquette in America and Africa. Culturally here, when you announce your pregnancy, everybody offers to host the shower and you have to choose who you want to host it. My sincere apologies for the inappropriate advice. Go with what the other ladies suggested and I'll keep my nose out of any further American etiquette posts.

*edit for quote fail.

pnutg · December 2014

RHoPA1109 said:
I may be an ungrateful bitch, but thinking about all of the mess and annoyance the shower would cause if held after baby's born is making me pissed for you. What an inconvenience.

I have to agree. That would have been awful 3 weeks after my son was born. I would definitely tell her it needs to be done before the birth.

Critter015 · December 2014

I think since it is your mom it is perfectly acceptable to ask her to have it before the baby comes. My own shower ended up being a meet the baby shower because I was born a month early. My parents already had the nursery set up and a carseat and plenty of hand-me-down clothes from my cousins at the ready. I know they did have to buy some preemie clothes because I was too small for newborn size. I am sure there were lots of things they got at the shower that were nice to have but not essential. The shower also did take place in the town where we lived. I couldn't imagine having to drive three hours with a newborn just for a shower, not to mention all of the baby gear you'd have to tote along, and then where would you put the gifts from the shower on the way home?

It sounds like grandpa's 80th birthday party will already be a perfect chance for a meet and greet with all of your family and probably close family friends as well, and you could even plan a separate meet the baby brunch or something the same weekend since everyone would be in town already.

Renate85 · December 2014

@somerandomchick, definately a misunderstanding. I would not suggest approaching someone who hasn't offered, that would be rude here too.

But most mommies-to-be will have several offers to choose from and sometimes even several showers. We also do showers for second babies, which I've read is also not done elsewhere. I've even had hubbies paying me to plan the showers, to save their wives from having to choose a host and thus avoiding those fights. Had no idea it was not the same in the US. Interesting how cultures differ. Anyway, sorry for the misunderstanding.

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