pregnant sister in law ....insensitive

MeganRusticBarn · December 2014

Hey ladies,
I am hoping for some advice about my sister in law. As some of you know, I suffered an EP 11 days ago, it's been very traumatic time. I lost my right tube and my confidence to TTC anytime soon.

My sister in law found out she was pregnant during the same time as me.. (Two weeks prior)... Yesterday she started to send me snap chats (quick text photos that get deleted after clicking on them).

She sent me one of a baby ornament that says "9 months of waiting", a picture of her on the way to her doc apt to here the her babies heartbeat. Before I found out I was pregnant, she would send this stuff all the time. Nothing new.... But now I feel like in the emotional stage I am in, that she would at least have a little more compassion for what I am going through. I mean going to the grocery store right now and seeing strangers babies is hard, I don't need or want to see families.

That sentence sounded very evil, but come on sister in law give me some more time!

Has anyone gone through similar situations and able to talk to your friends or family? I want to be happy for her, really I do, but not at this particular moment., not this week and probably not the following. The last thing I want though is to try and explain myself and have her upset with me. Sometimes my words come off very negatively, especially right now when my hormones are everywhere.

Anyways, any advice would be helpful. No can already see my brother calling me and screaming at me for offending his wife.

Oh, and my sister (not sister In law that is preggers) told me she would mention something to her, if I didn't feel comfortable. That's always in option.. But even that I am nervous about it getting twisted and me being the bad guy that just can't get over her own issues.

Thanks for the input

megrae12 · December 2014

Again, I am sorry for your loss, I know how hard an EP is.

As far as your SIL goes, tell her to stop. I am pretty blunt and honest and my loss made me even more so. I would just send her a text or call her or email her or whatever you feel comfortable with and tell her that it hurts to see those things. You can explain that right now you are overly emotional about all things pregnancy and just need to take a step back. If she acts obtuse about it, call your brother and explain to him and have him talk to her. It sucks to put up with stuff like that, but she prolly doesn't think she is being insensitive. She won't know unless you tell her. I would just be honest with her and leave the ball in her court. Does that make sense?

welly01 · December 2014

I'm so sorry you're in this situation and that she's being totally insensitive to your feelings. First, your feelings are completely valid. You shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to feel happiness right now. Second, you should send her a text, email, whatever and just tell her how you feel. Tell her to please stop sending you text, photos, etc. of anything having to do with her pregnancy. Me personally, I wouldn't care about hurting her feelings. I have a SIL and now cousin that are pregnant. Honestly, I can't even be in the same room as them. My plan is to avoid them until I feel like I'm strong enough to face them. It sucks so bad because DH and I are really excited for them, but I just can't express that right now and they are just going to have to understand.

If you don't feel like you can tell her, then have your sister do it. Or could you speak to your brother and see if he could talk to her? Either way, find a way to tell her to stop sending you that stuff.

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that is for you to see that constantly. I don't use snapchat, but can you just delete the app or delete your account or something?

flyoffeve · December 2014

I am so sorry your are having a tough time. PP have offered some great advice and possible words to share. My recommendation would be to try and have this conversation face-to-face with an out for you immediately after (maybe sis?). It may get heated or not- either way would be ok. She needs to know this is not cool.

Frenchteachermama · December 2014

Wow. I think PP have summed up what I would say. I would like to say that I am shocked by her insensitivity but if there is one thing I've learned over the past year is that people who you think will be your biggest supporters turn out to be the worst. Definitely send her a text!

MellyMel15 · December 2014

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that your situation with your SIL is making things harder.

Honestly, she has every right to be excited about her pregnancy, but she should really be more sensitive toward you. I think you need to have a talk with her and tell her that while you are very excited for her and your brother, you'd appreciate it if she could tone it down a little. For example, if she wants to send her latest sonogram picture, ask her if maybe she can ask you first if it's something you'd be ready to see. She should understand that.

My best friend recently told me that she's pregnant (we would have had due dates about a month apart) and she has been very sensitive about how I'm feeling. I think she is kind of letting me take the lead. She doesn't usually bring up anything about her pregnancy unless I specifically ask her. I'm two months past my MMC, so I'm starting to do a little better with handling her pregnancy, but I'm still very jealous.

Nothing about what we're going through is fair, and I think many women don't get how much it hurts unless they've had one or have had someone close to them experience one.

rmpar29 · December 2014

PPs have given you excellent advice and ways to phrase it. I would definitely recommend talking to her directly and just letting her know how you feel. Unfortunately, women that haven't gone through a loss just don't understand and it's a bit unreasonable to expect them to, IMHO. Before my losses, I wouldn't have understood what it's like to lose a pregnancy and probably would've done something insensitive without realizing it. Now, if she continues to do these things after your talk with her, then she's being insensitive and deserves a more harsh approach.

Good luck, and I'm sorry that you are dealing with this! Do whatever you need to in order to take care of yourself right now. (((((HUGS)))))

LizBlue · December 2014

It's also quite possible that she doesn't know she's being insensitive. Crazy, to us, yes. But it never fails to surprise me the ways in which people who haven't gone through a loss just don't get it.

Not to sound insensitive myself, but this is going to continue to happen to you, from people close to you, not close to you, etc. There is a difference between someone who just doesn't care that they're hurting your feelings and someone who loves you to bits but doesn't know the right thing to say about their own pregnancy to you.

After my first loss, my BFF was pregnant and was trying very hard to say the right thing and kept failing. I let her know that actually, right now, there was no right thing to say. She was pregnant, I wasn't, it sucked and there was nothing either of us could do about it. She got it. I promised her that I would continue to communicate to her the things I could so that she hurt me as little as possible. I told her that I wouldn't always be able to be there for her in this new post-loss world. We promised to be honest and loving towards one another. I had to step away at times. She didn't hold it against me.

That's all there is to do. It sucks, it's not fair, and I'm so incredibly sorry you are hurting. When you are able, finding a way to communicate what you need from her is the only thing you can do.

If she continues to hurt your feelings after you've established boundaries, then she is a jerk and we can go metaphorically burn her house down (I joke).

xoxo

MeganRusticBarn · December 2014

Thank you so much ladies xoxo!! I think sending her a email is the best way of communication right now. I think taking a break from social networks (besides this one) might help me. Really focusing on ourselves is the best advice.

Nikolie93 · December 2014

So much good advice already given but wanted to tell you I'm sorry you're going through it. I agree with what LizBlue said, I don't think that most people do this out of spite or to be cruel, I think they just don't understand what it does to people that are in our situation. Sometimes it's necessary to bring it to their attention.

I am sure you can word it in a way that won't come across as being a bitch or like you aren't happy for her. *hug*

welly01 · December 2014

@EurydiceNymph, yep. =D>

MeganRusticBarn · December 2014

I know going through this will make me stronger, it's made us all stronger! Just right now, I'm not strong.....my sister in law adding to the emotional pot makes it even harder.

On day at a time

Thanks for all the comments xoxo

TashaCN · December 2014

I feel late to the game here. I think a lot of the PPs have given great advice.

I know that I have had friends who have struggled with TTC and Losses in the past, and now reflecting back after my loss I realize how extremely insensitive I was sometimes. So I agree with others that she may not know what she is doing, and she may not be able to understand how hard it is for you.

I have had to have a few conversations with some of my very dear friends who just weren't getting it. I found being honest with them and letting them know exactly what I had been going through every day helped. I let them know how extremely happy I am for them, but also let them I continued to struggle with my loss.

I told them I wanted to celebrate with them and be as excited for them as possible, but in order to do so, I needed time to heal myself... and space. Sometimes you just need space. No matter what is going on in your life you may need space; and I think it is perfectly fine to ask for it (even if it is just asking for no more snap chats).

I very much like @EurydiceNymph 's response too.

I'm sorry if this is horribly redundant. Good Luck in whatever you do; I hope she can be a little more compassionate for you.

meredithcarole · December 2014

I am sorry she is being so insensitive. As others have said, people who don't know this side really can be clueless. You've been given great advice. Good luck with the discussion.

buggirl72 · December 2014

You have received a lot of great advice. The only thing I can add is when you write your email to her, step away before sending it. Come back and re-read it a few times to make sure it expresses what you want and have someone else read it to give their perspective.

incir · December 2014

You've gotten a ton of great advice. I think that starting with a direct conversation is best, but wanted to add that in the event that doesn't stop these updates it is worth thinking about an approach through third parties. I had a SIL (hub's brother's wife) who was being insensitive to me about a subject (not my loss) and finally had to have my husband talk to his brother. When I spoke to her about it she thought I was being too sensitive, but my husband was able to explain how much it was really hurting me. The slightly more objective view did the trick. I hope that your email is successful and you don't need to do that, but wanted to give you an option of a way to go if it doesn't work.

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