Our best friends are ignoring our baby

foodieforlife · December 2014

My husband and I are both feeling hurt by our 2 best friends, a married couple.

Some short background: they have suffered with infertility for the past 4 years. As did my husband and I. This pregnancy was a twin pregnancy that ended with my developing twin to twin transfusion in June and losing one of our babies. I was on bed rest and had surgery and we were able to save our baby. Not an easy road for us.

We have been very close to them for the past 12 years and really consider each other family more than friends. My husband even works with them at a business they all run. We spend holidays together, vacation together and always see each other socially about 2-3 nights a week and always on the weekend. Since our son was been born 2 weeks ago we haven't seen them. They blew us off for Thanksgiving and stopped by for less than 5 minutes since baby has been born a week ago. They refused to even hold the baby. Our birth announcements went out and they put in in their kitchen drawer. My husband found it while doing some paperwork today.

I know this is hard for them. But it's hurting me that my best friend can't even acknowledge my baby. and my crazy hormones don't make it better!

Any advice? or am I just being selfish?

Unknown · December 2014

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blush64 · December 2014

I think you need to give them time. Your baby is 2 weeks old. (well, you said both one week and two weeks old) You had a long road to get where you are but they are still on that road. You know it is hard for them then leave them to deal as they need to.

I think you deserve to be happy but I don't think you can really have expectations of anyone else. They came by even if it was a short visit. They kept your announcement. It was in a drawer but so what. It wasn't in the garbage.

Enjoy your baby. Enjoy your family. Don't fault them for not reacting the way you want them to. Should they fault you for maybe not acting they way they want you to?

Edit I hope that didn't sound harsh. It wasn't meant to be.

foodieforlife · December 2014

Thanks. I meant to say we've been home just over a week. the baby is 2 weeks old. and I don't think the world revolves around me. it's just hard having your bestf riends who you literally see and talk to each day cut you out. that's all.

jac409 · December 2014

I am going through something similar with my best friend since middle school. She just had a failed IVF attempt at the end of October. My LO was born on 11/2. She sent me a text saying congratulations, and that's it. Granted, she lives a plane ride away, so she can't stop by or anything. Her mom sent me an email telling me that if I didn't hear from her, not to be offended. She is just really sad and needs some time. My having two healthy LO's in less than two years has to be a bit like twisting the knife for her, so I am giving her some space. Anyway, just give them time. I know it hurts to have them ignore your LO, but I think it is a pretty understandable reaction considering what they are going through.

mfsunshine222 · December 2014

WOW! I in my opinion you are being burned on here for no reason. Not that there are sides to be taken in this scenario, but I'm sure this is difficult for you. Newborns are difficult in their own right and it would really suck to not have support from the friends that have been "like a family" to you. You sound very understanding of what they are probably feeling right now and while I would give them a little more time to gather their feelings (it has only been 2 weeks) I would also try to talk to them in a very nonconfrontational kind of way. Tell them how important they have been to you, and how important it is for you to have them in yours and your child's life. Of course your baby is not their child but hopefully they can come around and open their hearts to a baby that they can have almost unlimited access to. I'm sure it is painful for them to see your LO; but to have friends like you that they were seeing so frequently it sounds like this could be a wonderful opportunity for them to take the "god-parent"/role model status to a wonderful level.

ashiscute · December 2014

I don't think you are being selfish. I think you had a difficult road to becoming a parent and now are only 2 weeks postpartum. However, I do think you need to realize your friends are still in the worst of their difficult road and seeing you must be painful. I definitely would not confront them (or mention anything at all). I'd give them time.

Also, 2- 3 times per week plus a weekend seems like a like of time to spend with someone once you have a newborn. I think you need to realize your life has changed in a huge way and it will be awhile until you find your new normal both with and without your friends.

crystangel · December 2014

Just to add, you both used to go through infertility together, and now you made it to the other side. She probably feels incredibly jealous and sad. Just like PP have said, give them time and put yourselves in their shoes.

Unknown · December 2014

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ConversationFear · December 2014

Have you entertained the idea that they may be trying to stay out of your way? When our friends had their babies, we waited for them to tell us when to come over and even when they did, we still kept our distance unless they needed help because we didn't want to impose on their bonding as a family. I know after I had LO, I wanted everyone, including close friends, to stay the hell away.

I know you guys have been through the same issues together, but it still doesn't mean they are going to want to be all up in you and your baby's face right away. Give it another 2-4 weeks - it will probably be a lot different by then.

PrimRoseMama · December 2014

Honestly? I think you are being selfish & insensitive. You've had a baby, but it's not the heir to the free world. Your friends are probably struggling with their emotions. It's really really short sighted to assume that any distance is a reflection about how they feel about you as friends.

They probably love you, but need space. Please remove your head from your butt & look outside yourself. Your feelings & baby are not the only thing that matters for these people.

PrimRoseMama · December 2014

Anecdote: my dear friend S has suffered IF for close to 10 years. Her sister & I have had babies around the same time. I let her decide how much interaction she wants & don't assign value judgement on our friendship.

It's really lame that you are saying that these people aren't good friends just because they don't want to hold your baby.

SanRemo · December 2014

I was in your shoes during my first pregnancy. My best friend had just lost her baby after years of IF. I then became pregnant (also after 4 years of IF) and had a healthy baby. My friend only called me a couple of times and did not come by to see the baby in the beginning.

I was so upset and so hurt, I vowed to never forgive her for not being there for me and my baby. We never recovered our friendship and it has been my loss all these years.

Don't make my mistake and see beyond your little bubble. Your friend is having to deal with jealousy and sadness and heartache all while trying to be supportive of you and your baby. Give them time.

Aurora1181 · December 2014

Speaking as someone who has been there, your friend is hurting. This isn't about you, enjoy your brand new baby and focus on your own family. Your friend is probably also mourning the changes that could happen in your friendship now that you're a mom. Is a lot to process and she needs your love and patience, not angst.

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