Miserable MIL

lorist202 · November 2014

My MIL hates sharing her grandkids, especially during the holidays. Our structure is worked out where we trade Thanksgiving and Christmas day each year, so that each side of grands gets one of those holidays and the next year we switch. Both are local, so at least we have that. Also, I encourage both sides to pick an alternate day to celebrate. For example, we're celebrating Thanksgiving with my folks this year on Sun.

MIL is so miserable about it, especially when its not her turn for Christmas day, like this year, that she first makes excuses why we should make an exception for her, and when that fails, she becomes just miserable and nonstop complains to me and DH from November until February.

We were at her house tonight and it was awful. She ignored her guests, leaving me to entertain them while trying to keep my kids somewhat under control, and then she complained about the mess from dinner, and my son playing in her house.

Is there a better way to handle this? Hosting at my house just makes it worse with her. This woman makes the holidays dreadful.

MommyAtty · November 2014

Concur. I have a real problem with people who can't count their blessings. Maybe just say, "If I hear another word about Christmas this year, you aren't getting to see us next year for Christmas either." It's not like you owe her Christmas or Thanksgiving. You guys choose to give her the gift of time with your family.

My parents decided early in their marriage to do holidays the same way every year. Easter and Thanksgiving were with my mom's parents. Christmas was with my dad's. But my grandparents lived in different states, so it wasn't like we could easily see both. (And when they made the deal, we lived close to my mom's family, so they saw us at least weekly. Giving up Christmas wasn't a big deal to them.)

jess9802 · November 2014

Our parents are all local too. This year we had Thanksgiving with the in-laws, and we'll have Christmas dinner with my parents. We spend Christmas Eve at my MIL's every year (a party which my parents often attend for a bit), and host Christmas breakfast at our house with my family.

We also make time on each holiday to visit the other side. We went over to my parents' house this evening for an hour and had pie with them. On Christmas, we'll go to my in-laws' for an hour or two in the evening. So we see everyone, even if we're not having the big family dinner together. BTW, we tried that once - an early dinner with MIL and a later dinner with my parents - and it was horrible. Never again.

Would your MIL be okay with a visit after Christmas dinner, something low-key? Or does she really just want to have it all? If the latter, at some point, your husband needs to tell her to knock it off. Or just buy lots and lots of wine.

VOR · November 2014

If it's miserable, then don't go. Seriously. I agree w/ the others. DH needs to draw a firm line with her- if she doesn't make the most of the time she does get and only wants to complain (and then not actually spend time w your kids!?), then you all won't be over.

O.k. - wait - I'll back up on that a little. I think your DH needs to approach it gently at first. But point out "mom- we want to spend time with you. But this wasn't enjoyable this year. I feel like if you don't get what you want, then wha tyou DO get, you're upset the whole time. If this is how it's going to continue to be - then we're not going to come over at all. I dont' want it to be like that, but this is our holiday too. We want to have a good time."

Muffins_Mom · November 2014

Take a stand. We just have everyone come to us for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Christmas Eve afternoon is at the in-laws, but Christmas Day is at our house. You'd have thought I suggested killing puppies and kittens when I first said that we weren't leaving our house on Christmas Day and everyone was welcome to come to us, but MIL has gotten over it now...to my face anyway. 8 years later, it's working great.

Maladroit · November 2014

We have an awful FIL over here, who makes the whole family crazy and miserable! MIL won't go anywhere without him just because "he's family". This year, he complained NONSTOP and made H cry twice (and I've only seen him cry a handful of times)! Luckily, I worked all Thanksgiving and had the pleasure of only catching part of the drama. I flat-out, straight-up B style told MIL that we would not be spending any more holidays with him and if she insisted on him being a part of the holidays, then she wouldn't be spending them with us or LO. Not. Gunna. Happen!

VOR · November 2014

Maladroit said:

We have an awful FIL over here, who makes the whole family crazy and miserable! MIL won't go anywhere without him just because "he's family". This year, he complained NONSTOP and made H cry twice (and I've only seen him cry a handful of times)! Luckily, I worked all Thanksgiving and had the pleasure of only catching part of the drama. I flat-out, straight-up B style told MIL that we would not be spending any more holidays with him and if she insisted on him being a part of the holidays, then she wouldn't be spending them with us or LO. Not. Gunna. Happen!

This is one of those things where I wonder why his "family" card is more important than anyone elses? He shows up and is mean and makes everyone else miserable. ALL those "family" cards don't matter- you all have to put up with it, etc, all in the name of "family" - but he doesn't have to deal w/ ANY consequences of being an ass?

Good for you for saying "no". You all matter too and one person shouldn't be given so much power. HE can be miserable all by himself whiel everyone else actually enjoys themselves.

[Deleted User] · December 2014

Honestly? She needs a dose of STFU. If she wants to be miserable, that's on her.

Maladroit · December 2014

Yeah, I put on my big girl panties and basically told everyone how it was going to do down...momma bear style. I'm sick of "family" being the excuse for poor behavior.

NADA-H · December 2014

@Maladroit "chapeau!" ^:)^ I'd love to be able to do that to some family, but never can

mlee116 · December 2014

I'm late to the party, but I can relate. My mom used to be like this and still does it sometimes, although not the extreme of your MIL. I finally got tired of hearing it and told her point blank that XYZ is what we were going to do and if she doesn't like it, we'll make other plans that don't involve her at all. I'm not going to have my holiday ruined or be guilted into always choosing my family over DHs.

Virgo17 · December 2014

I think your MIL is being ridiculous. How local are both sides? Would it make life easier to see both on each holiday? Although, I can also see how that rewards MIL's bad behavior.

Both my immediate family and in-laws all live within about a 15 minute radius. For Thanksgiving, we get together with my side at my grandmother's at 1pm and go to my in-laws at 5pm. It's a long day, but the kids have a blast and we generally all get along.

For Christmas, we stay home for the early morning, go to my grandparents around 10am, to my aunt's for dinner at 1pm and then come home. DH's side usually gets together an alternate day, but we have gone to see his parents Christmas evening. I'd like to stay home for more of the day, but we already had a battle with my side about them not being at our house first thing in the morning to watch the kids open their presents from Santa. So for now, this is our compromise. Again, it's a long day, but DH and I are off for several days so there is plenty of down time to be had.

I have to say, before kids I NEVER thought about any of this crap. It can be so hard to manage family expectations with what you want your own holiday to be like.

2chatter · December 2014

We moved away from my mom - who is miserable about sharing me/the kids. What that means is she comes and stays with us a few times a year and we leave and go to DH's family - so even when she does not "have us" she is in our home and we are coming back to her and she got breakfast with us/opening presents/etc. ILs are kind of over it - the next youngest grand is 15 so it all worked out.

clwheel · December 2014

Hugs to you! My MIL is pretty miserable too so I share in your pain and am dreading Christmas as this is our first year and we haven't worked out a schedule yet. FML.