Working Moms
glaw
member
To stay or quit
glaw
member
in Working Moms
Ok ladies I try to post as often as possible and I consider this group the one I relate to most and my "home" on the bump but apologies if I am not a regular...
In a nutshell: would you continue to work if you didn't NEED your income to run your household?
My DH is basically finalizing his partnership agreement and getting a raise. It should match roughly what I earn. Maybe a little less bc we would have to pay OOP for insurance if I quit. But then again my work related costs would go away so it roughly evens out. DH says he would rather I stay home but it's up to me. I really don't know what to do. I am currently on ML with baby #2 and I am enjoying it. I also have my nanny so I'm not going insane trying to manage 2u2. My DH is ok with me keeping the nanny if I don't go back to work.
The problem is that I will never be able up get a job like this again. I am a lawyer and work for the govt. it's part time but only 80% and they won't give me less hours. If I quit I will eventually look for another job when the kids are older or right away if I find smthg close to me with much less hours. But I know I won't get paid as much and the benefits will be much less. So not sure it would make sense.
On the other hand I cannot imagine staying home and taking care of house and kids 24/7 without help. I just can't. Call me spoiled or whatever but I can't. As I said my DH is on board with keeping the nanny even if I quit. I would probably use her more for cleaning and keeping one kid while I take the other out for classes, etc...or so I can run all of the household errands. Eventually when DD is in preschool and baby is older I'll probably cut her hours but to be honest I'll probably always want some sort of help and so will my DH.
The thing is I feel like if I quit and I keep my nanny then what is my point or purpose in life? Am I a loser? My DH thinks it's fine and that I'll still be with the kids a lot, that the house will be better attended to and chores done etc...and myself less stressed out and better taken care of so that DH has less on his plate.
So my question after all that is what would you do in my situation? I'm going to try going back to work but I feel like without having to do it and with my DH being ok with me quitting it's going to be hard to motivate and convince myself to do it.
Thanks if you read through all this
In a nutshell: would you continue to work if you didn't NEED your income to run your household?
My DH is basically finalizing his partnership agreement and getting a raise. It should match roughly what I earn. Maybe a little less bc we would have to pay OOP for insurance if I quit. But then again my work related costs would go away so it roughly evens out. DH says he would rather I stay home but it's up to me. I really don't know what to do. I am currently on ML with baby #2 and I am enjoying it. I also have my nanny so I'm not going insane trying to manage 2u2. My DH is ok with me keeping the nanny if I don't go back to work.
The problem is that I will never be able up get a job like this again. I am a lawyer and work for the govt. it's part time but only 80% and they won't give me less hours. If I quit I will eventually look for another job when the kids are older or right away if I find smthg close to me with much less hours. But I know I won't get paid as much and the benefits will be much less. So not sure it would make sense.
On the other hand I cannot imagine staying home and taking care of house and kids 24/7 without help. I just can't. Call me spoiled or whatever but I can't. As I said my DH is on board with keeping the nanny even if I quit. I would probably use her more for cleaning and keeping one kid while I take the other out for classes, etc...or so I can run all of the household errands. Eventually when DD is in preschool and baby is older I'll probably cut her hours but to be honest I'll probably always want some sort of help and so will my DH.
The thing is I feel like if I quit and I keep my nanny then what is my point or purpose in life? Am I a loser? My DH thinks it's fine and that I'll still be with the kids a lot, that the house will be better attended to and chores done etc...and myself less stressed out and better taken care of so that DH has less on his plate.
So my question after all that is what would you do in my situation? I'm going to try going back to work but I feel like without having to do it and with my DH being ok with me quitting it's going to be hard to motivate and convince myself to do it.
Thanks if you read through all this
BFP#1 10/17/11, m/c due to SCH 11/21/11 @ 8w4d; BFP#2 2/26/12, baby girl arrived 11/1/12; BFP#3 12/3/13, EDD: 8/18/14.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: To stay or quit
But I agree with PP - if you won't be happy staying at home and you'd wonder what your life's purpose is than it would be a mistake to quit.
Honestly, none of us can answer this for you because it's so personal. But since you asked: no. I would not quit. We are in a similar situation. Either DH or I could choose to SAH if we wanted (and we'd probably keep the nanny as well for a variety of reasons) but among the reasons I don't SAH:
1) I don't honestly want to. I like my job and feel fulfilled doing it. I'm good at what I do and the success I have and praise that I receive for it are important to me. I'm not a good housekeeper and such so if I stayed home that would be really hard for me.
2) I like the independence and safety net that my career provides - maybe that's because My parents divorced, or maybe it's just because I like to shop and I don't want to ask permission to do so.
3) I have a great situation and I know how lucky I am. Like you - it's maybe not ideal (i would like to work less in theory) but I know that my company culture, my compensation, my opportunities, and my bosses and colleagues are very likely unmatched anywhere else. So I know that somewhere else I could probably put in 50% less hours but it would be much more than a 50% pay cut, the people wouldn't be so great and the culture wouldn't be so awesome.
4) we don't have to worry about finances. And I'm thinking about this in the long run - not just now. I know we are safe if one of us gets laid off, if we get hit with a big expense, for retirement etc ... And that is extremely important for me.
Ultimately for me it's the big picture and the fact that I genuinely enjoy what I do and where I do it.
We recently moved abroad. I still work by managing remotely some properties we own and I have a freelance job that provides me some income (more if I am more aggressive) but since quitting my job last spring, I feel lost.
I miss the structure and routine of work. I miss the easy banter of colleagues and coworkers and even the drama (sometimes). I have long days that are sometimes hard to fill and I feel like I am not contributing. Not just to our family leger, but to society in general. This is not a slam against SAHMs, not at all. It's just that for me, I need that responsibility to motivate me each day.
Good luck with your decision.
You mentioned that you probably couldn't find your current work situation again but how do you actually feel about the work you do? With you 80% schedule do you feel as though you have a good work/life balance.
It is 100% a personal decision, but if I were you I'd keep working especially since you are on ML now. You can't predict how you'll feel working with 2 kids. Give it some time and then make your decision.
If you decide to SAH, I would let your nanny go and hire someone who specifically wants to do housework/cleaning. Neither of you will be happy cooking and cleaning while the other person plays with the kids. Let your nanny go and nanny for another family. There are plenty of people who don't want to play with kids all day and would rather do housework. And don't feel guilty about it.
This book helped me figure out what I wanted when I was looking into getting some help around the house.
A Housekeeper is Cheaper than a Divorce Get it. It's $0.24 on amazon.
If you are that conflicted, which it sounds like you are, I would go back to work and see how you do juggling that and having not 1, but 2 kids at home. You dont need to make a decision today, give yourself time and see how you feel. For me, I am motivated by the money only. I have a very lucrative job, but the hours are long, I have a long commute and I miss a lot at home. I started my own business earlier this year and we are finally in a position where I can stay home so I am going to do that because I think it will be better for our family, take a lot of things off DHs plate so when he comes home from work we can actually enjoy each other instead of running in a million directions to get things done. Do I love cleaning and food shopping and doing laundry? No, who does?! But I know that is the type of thing I will need to take on when I stay home, thats my sacrafice, where as now going to work for me is my sacrafice. THere are benefits and drawbacks to each scenario. For me its about what fulfills you . I am 100% confident in the decision I am making....since you arent there yet, I say keep working and figure it out along the way.
For the record, my sister has stayed home for the last 6 years and she has a babysitter come every MWF from like 11-3 and thats "her" time. Whether its to run errands /get things done or take one child out to an activity, etc. You can have a balance like that too.
This is super flameworthy BUT, I think being home with an infant is a lot of drudgery, so I would probably work for a little longer and then quit once my youngest was like 1 1/2 or 2.
I wouldn't want a nanny following me around all day, but I would keep her for something like 12 hours per week -- some time to go to appointments or run errands, and some time to do one on one stuff with each kid or do activities that are better with an extra set of hands like making gingerbread houses or going to the pool -- and I would get a separate person to do cleaning and laundry unless my nanny happened to be really good at/into housekeeping.
But that's me. As others have said, it's a personal call.
As the others have said, we can't tell you what to do. But, it sounds like you'd choose to be a SAHM because you CAN and not because you WANT to. However, if you decide to stay home, I would find a housekeeper and not use the nanny. A nanny is there to care for the children. I just don't think its the same.
I would look at your job for the personal/mental/emotional benefits rather than the financial benefits. I think I would go back to work for a bit and see how it feels for about 6ish months. I know the first couple months after I went back, I wanted nothing more than to stay at home. But that was only because it wasn't an option (DH is a firefighter and they don't make squat). Now that LO is a year old, we've found balance and it turns out I like working. I don't necessarily love my job, but I like working.
I don't have personal experience. But one of the partner's wife at my firm quit her very high-paying (also very high stress) general counsel job when they had a baby. They have a full time nanny. But she is very involved with the local community - sits on various boards and leads a very busy life outside of work. They are also older and are truly "set for life" financially. I know she has no plans to ever go back to work.
BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14. 4/27/14: Our second take home baby is here!
What would happen if your DH loses his job? What about if you got divorced? What if he got sick? Would the dynamic in your relationship with DH change (commonalities change, different schedules, different priorities, different stresses)? Would you want to stay out of the workforce forever? What happens when your kids are in school full-time? What about spending money? Would there be different expectations about shopping? What type of message does it send to your kids (bad or good)?
Personally, maintaining my independence is the number 1 reason I work. I really struggle with being 100% financially dependent on another person. I also don't think I could be happy being a SAHM, but that's just me. This is really a VERY personal decision, but I really wouldn't let guilt about having a nanny and not working play into it. I feel like you're worried you would be judged, and I don't think that's a super good reason not to do something.
Also, for me, it's a matter of safety net more than anything. My dad died when he was 47. He dropped dead of a stroke out of nowhere. My mom struggled, even with hefty life insurance. I out earn my husband by enough that we wouldn't miss his income. But I want him to keep working in part so I know he would have an income stream if I dropped dead. (I know.. I'm super-cheery.)
And I watched my cousin, who was a VP at a major bank, quit to be a SAHM. Her kids are now in college. Because her husband's health insurance is terrible, she went back to work at Walmart in the deli just for the health insurance. So 2 things from that. First, the reality of not being able to get that job back may be much more stark than the theory of not getting that job back. Granted, she went to Walmart because she didn't really want an office job again, but I'm not sure she would have found a better job after 16 years home, even if she wanted one. She had worked her way up at the bank from a position as a teller, so she had no education to fall back on. She left knowing she would never be able to get her career back. Her situation is different from mine or yours, where you do have a marketable education, but looking at her now scared the hell out of me. Second, I would look very, very closely at what buying your insurance will cost. Over Thanksgiving, she told me her job is saving them $1100 PER MONTH in premiums and they have better insurance now so it's actually saving them much, much more. I was floored. So your costs like clothes and dry cleaning may not offset the expense of health insurance.
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1. My nanny used to be my housekeeper before and she likes cleaning and does clean for me still.
2. I cannot work any less at my current job. They will not give me a true part time. I only have one day off per week. I don't necessarily like my job but it is a good job in terms of pay hours and limited stress level and I'm not sure as a lawyer I could find anything like it. I could find another part time job but the pay will probably be crap and I'm not sure what the point would be if I make less than what I pay my nanny.
3. One of the posters said they think that a SAHM should be with their kids 24/7 and that's the part I have a problem with. I feel guilty if I'm not and I don't work but on the other hand I feel like why shouldn't I get a break if I can afford it? Why should I deal with crazy kids 24/7 if I can have help? I don't leave my kids to go have lunch with friends. I leave them to take care of household errands or get personal things done for myself that I can't take my kids to like nails, hair or gym. Even if I didn't have a nanny I would have to wait until my husband could watch the kids on the weekend so I could get these things done. Which would cut into family time.
I guess I feel like $ should work for me and make my life easier otherwise what's the point. But I don't want to feel useless. I know typical SAHMs do all the cooking cleaning errands and child rearing. Since I don't want to do all that I feel like I might be a little lost. I'm more interested in spending time with my kids and having help with the household stuff while getting breaks so I don't go crazy and so I am a better mom.
I am planning on going back in January and seeing how things work out. I know no one can decide for me but hearing all of the different advice and opinions helped. I know if I SAHM with help that I will spend much more time with my kids than if I work and that I will be less stressed out but I just worry that I might feel a little lost. I don't think I would feel differently even if I took on all the work of being a SAHM with no help. But I'm really afraid that I'll regret not spending this precious time with my kids while they are so young. I hate being away from them so much. I wish I could just work 2 days a week for the next 5 years or forever so that I would feel like I'm still contributing smthg but the majority of my time I would be at home.
Ok well I just had verbal diarrhea all over this post and I'm still not sure what to do. I know the advice is to always go back and try so for sure I will do that but all of your other thoughts were super helpful too. Thanks again!
But you both made some really strong points for not quitting. The thought of not being able to find a job later is super scary. And the med school poster--my mom is JUST like your mom. She always would tell me she regretted not working. She didn't have the same opportunities. She was raised in another country and we are first generation immigrants. Anyway she really put all her efforts into me and my brother and particularly wanted me to be successful and has taken a lot of pride in my accomplishments. But like u it was a lot of pressure and I always feel bad that she didn't have a career. She's so talented and has tried a variety of different things over the years but I think she lacked a good foundation. Her my aunt and grandmother always put a lot of pressure on me and my cousin (aunts daughter) to work and stay independent.
But isn't that just bc the grass is greener? Like bc they didn't work they want to make sure I do? And I know divorce and death or DH losing his job are all possibilities but any SAHM takes on that risk, so how can anyone afford to stay home yet so many do and more likely than not it works our fine.
I just wanted to add that since you asked this on a WM's forum, your answers are obviously going to be somewhat biased. Most of us (at least those with professional degrees and many others I assume) choose to work because we believe when all is said and done the benefits to working outweigh the disadvantages to working or the advantages to staying at home. There are many of us on this board who don't need the money or could do perfectly fine without a dual income but believe there are other benefits to working, many of which have been spelled out above.
Since you are still on the fence, it might be worth it to post this on the SAHM board as well. You might get more of the other side perspective, which might help you in making your ultimate decision.
There is a lot I can identify with in your posts. I think that part of the issue is that you're not in a job that has a strong pull for you; I am in a similar position. My job pays well, and in some ways is very flexible and has a lot of perks that I know from working for other companies are not easy to come by. I love my coworkers and the work is enjoyable enough, but on a scale of 1-10 in terms of my own core personal satisfaction? Eh, probably 6-ish or 7-ish. It's good, but not super compelling.
Being a SAHM mom doesn't feel like a calling to me either, and is honestly something I never thought I would ever consider prior to having kids. My parents divorced when I was young and my mom struggled to raise 2 kids while going back to school (law school, actually) and we were in a pretty dire situation financially for a number of years. I know what that is like and always said I won't put myself in that position. On the other hand, my parents married about a decade younger than I did and my brother and I were teenagers by the time my mom was my age, so the whole timeline and situation is entirely different.
Part of me just struggles with what am I really doing all this for, if the job itself is not fulfilling enough to feel like it is worth the struggles and the time and energy lost for my kids? Is it worth it just for the money, which basically amounts to an insurance policy against future financial problems? I go around in circles on it constantly. I think I also expected it to get better as they got older, but instead life has gotten 20x more complicated since DD started kindergarten this year for a number of reasons. So that is discouraging.
Didn't mean to hijack and make this about me, but just hoped to give some support and let you know you're not alone. It's a tough conundrum for me as well.
Dont worry about what other people think. Keep your housekeeper, spend lots of time with your children and do whats best for your family.
I would keep my job in your position. It sounds like you have a pretty good position with your job. You also spent all the time and money to go to law school, I'm not sure I would want to not put that to use. I understand if someone who has a bachelors degree might choose not to work, but to me it doesn't make sense to not work when someone has graduate level degrees and beyond and/or is at a certain income level that couldn't easily be obtained again.
I also don't think it is easy to just get another job after taking an extended period of time out of the workforce if you ever change your mind. I just don't see someone who has been out of the workforce for years offering any advantages over another job candidate who had consistently worked. A lot changes in most industries in a few years and the job market is probably always going to be extremely competitive. I've personally decided that I would never be a SAHM and be completely reliant on someone else financially. I saw my parents get divorced after 20 years of marriage. My mom had never worked and had no viable means of employment so she had to rely on alimony/child support, which of course only lasts so long. My husband could be extremely wealthy and I still would work so I'm never put in that position. You never know what life will bring as others have said.
Plus I think you have more to bring to your relationships with others if you have something more interesting to talk about than what little Johnny ate for breakfast, how many diapers you changed, etc. I loved being with my son on maternity leave, but I can't imagine going an extended period of time in that lifestyle. Every day kind of felt the same, like Groundhog day.
I didn't read all the comments, but another thing to consider is how you would spend your time after your kids are in school. I know it sounds a ways off (especially with a newborn), but the time goes by quickly. Would you still be content as a SAHM when your kids are in school? Or, if you SAH now, but decide once the kids are in school that you'd like to go back to work, would you be able to? And would it be a job/employer that you enjoy as much as your current situation?
Just something else to consider if you haven't already.
Personally, I would continue to work (unless we had a "win the lottery" situation and got like $50 million dollars) even if my H started making a ton of money. I like the financial security of making an income, being able to save more for the future, and being able to buy things for myself and not feel guilty about it.
Good luck with your decision!
I enjoy my career. So that makes my decision easy. Money is nice but it isn't my driving force in working. I want a career. I want to work.
You've gotten a lot of good advice. It's a very personal decision and everyone has their unique reason for choosing to continue working and choosing to stay home. Each has risk and rewards. Each has pros and cons.
I'm probably the odd one out. I like my job and went to school for 7 years to do what I do (pharmacy), but I would definitely SAH with nanny/housekeeper support. It sounds nice. I would fill my days with volunteering, visiting friends, taking the kids to activities, taking better care of myself and being DH's supporter. It would be so nice to have time to do these things. I wouldn't want to stay home full time without some kind of support (no breaks, no time to myself). In my field, I could work a shift a month and keep up career-wise, so it's very different than your field I believe. Time flies and kids' lives only get busier with activities, and then they move out. I would love to enjoy them at home. And with a nanny to boot?! So that I can still have some time to myself?!
Basically, this would be my dream.
From what I read if I were in your shoes I would not quit. I personally know that being a SAHM is not for me. I was the first year after I had DS. It sounds like you love your job and are getting great benefit. Maybe you could start looking for something part time now. If you find something that you think you will enjoy and gives you more time with the kids great. If not, your still comfortable where your at.
It all comes down to what you want.
You're in a fortunate situation! That's nothing to feel guilty about. And shame on people who would judge you for that while they are choosing to do things other than be with their kids 24/7 (even if that other thing is work for a paycheck)
I know MANY wonderful women who do not work outside the home but have help. Pretty much everyone I know has some form of housekeeper/ cleaning help. Lots of SAHMs I know have nannies. They take children to overlapping activities, the moms serve on charity boards and event committees, they (gasp!!) do go out to lunch with friends, they volunteer in kids schools etc ... I believe they're very fulfilled. As I alluded to, it's the choice I'd make if I had any desire to leave my job.
It's quite common in my circle.
SAH or don't because it is what works best for your family, not because of what people will think.
I must have missed this earlier. Do not fire this person. You will never find another employee who you love and trust with your kids who is also willing to clean your house and good at it. You are totally spoiled