When to cut it off with in laws....

jpoindahouse · December 2014

I'm sorry to keep posting here about my in law problems, but I really value the advice of the women on this board. I think y'all are a very emotionally healthy group of ladies (more so than myself) and I really, really appreciate the perspective. As many of you know, I have been having ongoing problems with my in laws. MIL is very controlling and creates drama and I seriously suspect she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There is also something very wrong with FIL but I can't really figure that one out.

This last Thanksgiving was horrific. As I posted here prior to Thanksgiving, we were all going to have Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant because my in laws are currently on the outs with their other DIL and her family over some horrible things they said and nobody was willing to go to anybody else's house. Well, on Thanksgiving day, two hours before we were supposed to leave for the restaurant, MIL decides it is a good idea to call her son (my BIL) and start baiting him to fight. Of course, he eventually takes the bait, they get into a screaming match over the phone, she calls him a b*stard, and I have to have my DH tell her to get off the phone and stop fighting or we are leaving. She gets off the phone and a text war ensues between her, her other son, and her other DIL. Her other DIL (my SIL) then texts me. MIL then picks up my phone while I was in the other room and reads the text. She proceeds to get mad at me because her other DIL is texting me about the situation. Neither MIL or FIL end up going to Thanksgiving dinner at the restaurant and DH and I both attend the event without them. The next day MIL and FIL spend the whole day bitching about their other son (DH's brother) and his wife (SIL).

This is a pattern with her destroying the holidays. She likes to pick fights and create drama on special occasions. She is supposed to come over to our house for Christmas to watch LO's first Christmas. Do I disinvite her? DH is distancing himself from his family, but I don't know if he would be happy if I excluded his mother from Christmas. I feel cruel even suggesting excluding anyone from Christmas, but I just don't know how many more ruined holidays that I can take

Karlamo · December 2014

I say be straight with her ASAP. When the time is right have a sit down with her and tell her how upset you were over Thanksgiving and the fighting that ensued. You don't want LO around that kind of fighting and you want your LO to have good memories of his grandma not ones with her screaming her heard off swearing. If she can't appreciate that then she is being very selfish and is lost in her own stuff.

Express your concerns over Christmas and say if she doesn't think she'll be able to keep it in check that day then maybe she should stay home and you can get together with her another day. You don't want LO first Christmas to be ruined by negative energy. She needs to know to not keep brining up issues she's having with other family members to you.

jpoindahouse · December 2014

thanks. DH and I have asked them not to talk about BIL and SIL with us. They only stop for like 5 minutes. When I do respond I always say vague things like "I hope you all work it out" and "Maybe some family therapy might help." They refuse therapy. I'm so mad about so much, not the least of which is her reading texts off my phone while I was in the other room (the text was from SIL and said "dinner is going to be awful.") I will try talking having DH talk to them about it again. I'm just worried that we are going to have to kick them out on Christmas because they won't be able to not fight and that maybe it would be less dramatic if they just didn't come at all. ( I never thought I would be considering the possibility of having to kick family out on Christmas)

jpoindahouse · December 2014

lbs2012 said:

I'm new to your situation but I think you need to put some boundaries in place. I personally wouldn't get involved in discussing fights that BIL, SIL, or DIL find themselves in. BIL didn't have to take the bait and could have simply said he wasn't discussing it and told her he looked forward to seeing her at Thanksgiving dinner. I've had dealings with people with similar disorders and recognizing it's a disorder can go a long way when dealing with her. Take the high road, don't engage and limit interactions when necessary. You might have to be kind yet firm, "We're looking forward to spending time with you and would love to have a nice conversation without any conflict or hurt feelings." If she starts with you guys and doesn't respect another request, I'd politely let her know you'll need to leave if it continues. If it does, the leave and go home, don't get angry, just calmly and lovingly do so. Think of it as a good example for LO in dealing with difficult people without losing control of your own emotions. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this!

I agree. We've told her it isn't up for discussion and it stops her for all of five minutes. BIL even told her he didn't want to fight and let's just enjoy the holiday, at which point she starting yelling that he was a "b*stard" and that he ruined her life. She's really so belligerent and she is a master at pushing buttons. Perhaps we should just leave when she starts discussing BIL because asking her repeatedly not to bring it up is not working

sdlaura · December 2014

I would be hesitant to cut off contact with the ILs entirely unless they are truly toxic to LO. Otherwise I think that relationship is too important. In your case, I would just make it clear that anytime there is drama/childish behavior your are immediately leaving/cutting off the visit. Then do it.

jpoindahouse · December 2014

TyrannosaurusLex said:

She sounds seriously unstable and unwell. I would gently discuss with your H that the example they are setting is now what you want Lo's understanding of family to be, and you want to come up with a plan together about how you will start creating your own family traditions and events. Do you want LO dreading holidays because he knows his relatives will scream and play childish games with her provoking? Do you want him used as a pawn? Because eventually he will be. I honestly think it's time to cut it off.

Yeah. I'm thinking you are right. H told me that this Thanksgiving was similar to every holiday that he had growing up. I spent at least two hours of thanksgiving shaking I was so distraught by it all....if the drama impacts me this badly I can't imagine what it does to a small child. It's really so sad. I wish she would get therapy, but she won't even consider family or individual therapy

ShePersisted · December 2014

For me every radar now is , do I want LO to sample this behavior? I think you need to really think and discuss with your H- do you want LO to grow up watching these crazy tantrums? What is the price you pay of keeping LO away from Granma and Granpa in the lieu of him not being exposed to the erratic behavior? I grew up around a few relatives who were all about picking fights with family- I still have an impact of that at times. For me, this behavior would be a big hell no. I say that very strongly as I have had issues with my mom. And even though it is very hard as my mom adores my LO, I am avoiding us being together too often because I don't want LO to observe our tension and arguments. No matter what!

Lastly, As PP as mentioned- draw your limit and make it clear to both DH and your in laws. Tell them you will isolate them if they continue to behave in a certain way and stick by that decision.

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