How do I not resent my DH for not being here? — The Bump
Military Families

How do I not resent my DH for not being here?

I am 17 weeks pregnant, and am starting to fee mild resentment for DH. We found out we were pregnant 6 weeks before he left for Marine boot camp, and he could have petitioned it to be delayed, but he didn't. He could of not chosen to go into the military, but he didn't. Now, I am stuck here, pregnant, all alone, living off of barely anything (since I can't access his pay when he is in boot camp), trying to plan for a baby, and stay afloat financially (a good chunk of which is HIS loans)... all to fulfill his dreams. And then this week he writes his mom, but not me. If he has time to write his mom, why isn't he writing his pregnant wife. His letters never mention he is sorry he can't be here, and never mention how horrible this is for me...I am starting to hate him for this, and I don't want to. But, I am a first time mom, going through this alone, and he will probably miss the birth too. Any advice?
BabyFruit Ticker

Re: How do I not resent my DH for not being here?

  • My first question would be, did you discuss any of these concerns before he left, especially not wanting him to go into the military in the first place? It's really hard to get your date pushed back. If I would have asked for that when I was leaving last year they would have said, "we'll route the request but there's a 99% chance it won't get approved." Did you discuss the possibility of setting up a joint bank account so he could send his direct deposit there while he's in? He could have gotten a Navy Federal bank account and prepared for all of this as soon as he got his contract and you'd have money. My husband had access to my money the whole time I was in boot camp a year ago. This was a lack of preparation and I can see how you can be frustrated with that. As far as the letter goes it seems like you have had this building frustration which has made this kind of seem like the end of the world. Boot camp is not summer camp and we barely had time to write letters. I mean sure, in the Navy, we had Sundays to get crap done but pressing uniforms, shining boots/shoes, studying, and making sure your rack is squared away really takes precedence. I had time to write a letter if I was lucky. They tear you down there. Maybe he wrote his mother because he didn't want to stress you out more than you already seem to be. I wrote my mom because I knew she had more time to tell everyone what I was doing than my husband did since he was preparing to PCS. Put yourself in his shoes. He's got it hard right now, he's missing the holidays with his family, he's probably stressed out, and he's definitely not having fun but I'm willing to bet he's doing it to make a better more stable life for you and your child that is on the way. Maybe it's patriotism too but I'm sure he really is trying to do the right thing here. Give him a little credit even if it does seem that he messed up in some areas. This won't be the only time you're in this position now that he's in the military either. Prepare yourself now and use this as a learning experience. If you don't already have hobbies, get some. Have you written to him? Write to him but try to be positive. I know it's hard when you're frustrated but the last thing he needs right now is to hear how terrible it's been for you because he's got DI's intentionally stressing him out on a daily basis. I've been on your side too so don't think I'm being insensitive because I've never been the one left at home but, he needs support right now. There have been times that my husband has been deployed and done some dumb crap and put me in tight positions but I still had to be there for him because staying angry and him losing my support did neither of us any good.
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  • That's interesting you got a joint bank account when he was in bootcamp... His recruiter and office made me sign papers that said I could not rely on his money and told us there was no way I would be able to get any of his pay until he is on his week leave in January. He is in Marines. We did argue a bit about him going in before, because he wanted to go go in and I supported him, but he had to get waivers passed through the system (long story) and those took more than 6 months! By the time he found out he was going we were in a totally different place, and our income dropped like 50% when he went to bootcamp (that's including his pay which I can't access). Don't get me wrong, I love that he has this dream and I never wanted him to resent me for standing in his way. He's doing great at bootcamp and I'm immensely proud of him, but it's just really frustrating that I have to go through this alone...we were trying to get pregnant before he got his contract and then stopped trying, but weren't safe enough obviously because surprise were pregnant! I'm near some family, but it's not the same. I do understand he's going through hell now and do write him positive letters all the time. In fact I was writing him almost every day before the Thanksgiving holidays. I just feel like he doesn't care, even though he probably does, and that's the worst feeling right now.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • Firstly, I will say I think training separations suck more than deployments (minus the danger of course) because there is less communication (obviously talking about deployments where communication is possible). H deployed and I got to talk to him at least once a week. When I was at BCT and OCS for the Army, we barely communicated. At Basic I got to talk to him three times. It was awful. And while H did have access to my pay once it came (like two months in), he also had to be able to get by without it because there can be all sorts of problems with pay. 

    What kind of loans does he have? Student loans? Can you put them in temporary forbearance until his pay is reliably coming in? 6 months or so?

    Next, gosh, it would suck to accidentally get pregnant right before a separation with little to no communication. I hate that for you. However, as I'm sure his recruiter explained, he could have been involuntarily separated for that. So it wouldn't have been just pushing back his date, he could have been out of the DEP and everything. No Marine Corps ever. I'm sure that's not what either of you really wanted. 

    As for him not writing you, or being particularly considerate right now, I'm going to be honest with you. Basic training or boot camp sucks. I went at 29, with a solid marriage, no kids, and I was just in major survival mode all the time. I didn't have time to worry about how hard MH had it (and he did have it hard, his job sucks). I was just counting down until the next time I ate and the night time where I could (maybe) shower and take my boots off and deal with my bloody shredded feet. I was not thinking about anything else. YH isn't either. 

    If money is really tight for you, I'd look at ways to cut costs. Like I mentioned above, try and get those loans in forbearance, look into whether the service members civil relief act helps you all out. Ask questions about that here. 

    MH resented me for leaving him alone with a house, two dogs, and a job that sucks and is usually a 16 hour a day job. He negatively affected my training and I still haven't forgiven him fully. Our marriage is shaky at best right now. I still have more training to go to, and if he negatively affects me again, our marriage is over. unequivocally over. Don't put your marriage there. Vent here, vent IRL. Do you work or go to school? Invest more heavily in those things, or a hobby, or volunteering, or your friends. Do not wallow in these kinds of resentful feelings. 
    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
  • kyrgyzstan thank you! That really put it into perspective... I definitely don't want this to hurt our marriage, because I absolutely love DH. I will really work on putting a positive face in letters to DH, so that he can stay strong. 

    He does have student loans, and some are in forbearance and some we tried, but got denied. 

    I work, but I really don't have a lot of friends here, so its more of being lonely at nights and weekends. 

    Yes, DH definitely didn't want to miss out on the Marines, he has worked so hard to get there, and I do want him to succeed. I do love him more than anything! Its just so overwhelming going through this alone. 
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • It's really rough not to have local friends. I don't either since our last PCS, and we're not stationed near a base, which makes it harder. When H was deployed, I worked a lot of overtime and watched all the TV he refuses to watch with me. ANTM, Jersey Shore, all that crap. I made food that he hates, with onions and all the other smelly stuff. :)
    Honestly, while of course I missed H, getting to do what I want, when I want, sans input is a pretty great perk of the separation aspect of military life. And the dogs loved me more. Until I left of course. Damn it. Lol.
    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
  • MrsPDXMrsPDX member
    edited December 2014
    I'm sure the dogs will love me more, although I'm kind of a sad person to be around and I think they can tell. DH is really like my other half! We truly bring out the best in each other and without him it feels like I've lost this huge bit of myself. Only 6 more weeks until I see him though (for a week)!!
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Some tips just from skimming:

    - Have him request permission to get a Power of Attorney while he's at training for you. He can request permission to do a PoA through his immediate supervisor, who can then arrange it with a JAG on the installation that he's training at. Ensure he lets them know it's for his pregnant wife, struggling to pay bills. Then you can access his MyPay. 

    - In the future, ENSURE that you have things like pay access sorted out well before training, field exercises, or deployments. This kind of thing MUST be set up in advance. 

    - Ensure all of his debt is changed to at or below 6% interest as required under the Service Members' Civil Relief Act. Each financial institution is legally obligated to lower their interest rates to 6% for all debt accrued prior to his enlistment or appointment. This does not cover new debt that he accrues get after he joined. 
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