"Gender disappointment"

Cate92 · December 2014

Hey guys - so this couple were on the Today show yesterday morning, and it actually got me really mad. I guess I was just wondering other peoples views.

In my opinion, so many women struggle to even have children, I was personally told I never would the very same day I actually found out I was pregnant. My partner and I had been trying for two years and it was impossible not to get crushed every time the pregnancy test came up negative, especially because so much emphasis is put on fertility not really being an issue until you are older and we are both young. In any case, we are lucky ones, some women will try for many more years than us, and sadly some women will just never get the opportunity to carry a child. So, in my opinion, to become "depressed" and then take out a mortgage on your home for $50,000 to have a girl when you have three healthy boys is a little bit ridiculous.

Anyway, thought I would open some discussion on this since it's a hot topic in Australia at the moment. Here's the link to the article that I read:https://www.mamamia.com.au/social/gender-selection/

Cate92 · December 2014

Totally agree that recognising emotions rather than carpet sweeping is a good thing. It just really got to me when she said that she was sobbing because she had a boy. And, I know it's not in the article but they went on national TV and said how disappointed they were having their second and third son, makes me feel for those boys.

And HELL YES to the adoption thing.

jk3610 · December 2014

I can maybe understand thinking the baby is one thing, finding out it's the opposite, and temporarily thinking, "oh darn." but some people take it to an extreme degree. with all the people who struggle, they should be happy they have healthy children!

nomesy · December 2014

Here in Australia adoption is free ... I should know I adopted my first bub out 15 years ago . And got nothing . I did it out for the benefit of the child and nothing more .. But yeah be grateful for what you have I say , that's a lot of money to put down for anything for me ..

fiscally3 · December 2014

I'm on boy #3. I would love to have a girl one day, but this is crazy. I had some gender disappoint for 2-3 days we found out about this one, but there is no way I would go through this to have a girl next time. I remember reading about a couple who spent $10,000 to have the sperm sorted so they were more likely to get one gender, and I always wonder what happens if you still don't get what you wanted. The poor kid. This is one of those things like selective abortion(when you abort multiples because it wasn't in your plan) that kinda makes me mad. Then again I've had enough friends & family go through infertility issues to realize in the long run it doesn't really matter as long as you have your child.

bowman958 · December 2014

I can be sensitive to gender disappointment in many ways, sure - it sucks to have a dream and then to have that dream come crashing down to reality. Can the loss of your dream, along with other factors, sink you into depression? Sure. But I think it's important to remember that every child is an individual, and you don't know what you're going to get, regardless of how your kid pees. And I think it's absolutely most important not to pin *your* dreams on your kid. No child deserves to be put under so much pressure to meet his or her parent's gender expectations.

bowman958 · December 2014

trollsniper said:

Taunted by pink clothes? I couldn't even keep reading past that. As the mother of a boy with another boy on the way, I've already had people ask me if we'll be trying for a girl after this LO is born. Uh, let's focus on one baby at a time, people! The idea of a daughter is of course sweet, but if I have another child, it'll be because I want one more child. Not because I want a specific type of child. I understand the desire to want a son or daughter, and am not judging people who are disappointed for a moment when they find out, but to the point of depression seems extreme. It seems like priorities may be a little out of whack if the child's genitals are more important than their health.

This is so true. We have girl #2 on the way and are over the moon about it, couldn't be happier. Regardless, we keep getting told we will have to have a third to get a boy. It makes me so mad that DD #2 is so easily disregarded for her sex - she is a treasured and valued child, period. And if we do have a third, and it turns out to be a girl, we will be over the moon about her, too.

PinkDahLia44 · December 2014

Did anyone watch the video?!? I feel like we're ignoring the woman with SEVEN BOYS who then chose gender selection to get her girl. She got the girl and now she's going back to get another girl. I'm tired just thinking about it.

I'd also like to point out the gender thing goes both ways. Those who will have two boys or two girls get, "well, you'll have to try again!" while those who will have a boy and a girl get, "oh, good. Now you can quit having children." As though it's such a burden.

ETA: sorry, change anytime I said "gender" to "sex"

Mel&John2013 · December 2014

I

bowman958 said:

IBut I think it's important to remember that every child is an individual, and you don't know what you're going to get, regardless of how your kid pees. And I think it's absolutely most important not to pin *your* dreams on your kid.

I agree! People have these preconceived notions of what having a child of a particular sex is going to mean, but in reality all they get for certain is the ability to pick out their child's clothes for a few years. Your imagined girly girly could turn out to be a tomboy. Is this mother going to be disappointed then? What if the little boy you imagined playing little league is into theater and likes pink? I wish parents could just let it go and focus on the fact that they have healthy, happy children.

bowman958 · December 2014

PinkDahLia44 said:
Did anyone watch the video?!? I feel like we're ignoring the woman with SEVEN BOYS who then chose gender selection to get her girl. She got the girl and now she's going back to get another girl. I'm tired just thinking about it.

I'd also like to point out the gender thing goes both ways. Those who will have two boys or two girls get, "well, you'll have to try again!" while those who will have a boy and a girl get, "oh, good. Now you can quit having children." As though it's such a burden.

ETA: sorry, change anytime I said "gender" to "sex"

---
Yeah, that's true, people do say that and it's annoying, too. It's no one's business what your reproductive plans are. However, saying "now you can stop" doesn't de-value an existing child the way the "better luck next time!" sentiment does. Regardless it all sucks and people should shut up.

PinkDahLia44 · December 2014

After having finished watching the (11 minute) video, I have a few more things to say:

1) I'm a little ashamed that Australia has outlawed the sex selection process but America's all, "come over here! We'll do it for you!" It feels a little reminiscent of plastic surgery in Mexico.

2) that doctor seems like a creep. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my uterus for any reason.

3) I wish I had $50,000 to blow on getting myself a designer 8th kid...twice. I wouldn't use it for that reason, but I wish I had that money.

PinkDahLia44 · December 2014

@bowman958 said:

PinkDahLia44 said:
Did anyone watch the video?!? I feel like we're ignoring the woman with SEVEN BOYS who then chose gender selection to get her girl. She got the girl and now she's going back to get another girl. I'm tired just thinking about it.

I'd also like to point out the gender thing goes both ways. Those who will have two boys or two girls get, "well, you'll have to try again!" while those who will have a boy and a girl get, "oh, good. Now you can quit having children." As though it's such a burden.

ETA: sorry, change anytime I said "gender" to "sex"
---
Yeah, that's true, people do say that and it's annoying, too. It's no one's business what your reproductive plans are. However, saying "now you can stop" doesn't de-value an existing child the way the "better luck next time!" sentiment does. Regardless it all sucks and people should shut up.

I agree that it doesn't devalue your existing children, but it does devalue any future children, which is just as bad. I have to assume those same people would say, "why are you having another? You already have your boy and girl!" if those couples were lucky enough to have a third child.

HK1020 · December 2014

Ugh, I so agree. If I get one more text message from somebody exclaiming "I hope it's a girl!" I am going to lose my mind. Guess what? ITS ANOTHER BOY! Guess what else? He's a picture of perfect health! Which to his father and myself is WAY way exponentially more important than what his dirty bits are.

dana1047 · December 2014

I always dreamed of having a daughter. All the frills, glitter, etc. We struggled to get pregnant. I was diagnosed as pre-menopausal at 34. We were told an egg donor may have been our only hope or adoption. How's that to make you feel like less of a woman? That's the thought I struggled with. Especially with a younger husband. Infertile & early menopause. There are so many here who have similar & much harder experiences.

I got pregnant naturally. In short a miracle. I'm having a son and couldn't be more ecstatic. I guess some take fertility for granted. This story is just as bad as many aborting due to sex of the child when not medically required. I feel for their sons.

ElizabethSwann · December 2014

This article is ridiculous, but i totally understand gender disapointment as long as its not over the top. So many women experience it, and its actually pretty normal even though a lot of people do not feel comfortable talking about it.

julievdm12 · December 2014

Hubby and I were told we had less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally and after 9 months of taking a break from all things fertility treatment related and lots of prayer, we found out we were expecting. We are not finding out what we are having and we are just so thankful for this child regardless of what it is, and we are just praying that it is heathy.

I may come off callous for saying so, but I think gender disappointment is ridiculous. You may have thoughts of, "oh I wish it was gender instead of that" but it doesn't make it a justified thought. Be thankful for your children. No matter their gender. They are a precious gift. Cherish them!

ElizabethSwann · December 2014

Quote box fail.

See that's where people's views of gender disappointment is misguided. Most people who experience temporary feelings of disappointment do not cherish their baby any less. Obviously what is most important is health, and i don't think anyone is arguing with that.

I was told i am having a girl, when the original ultrasound technician told us boy. I was not disappointed, but it was a shock and we are so excited. However, that being said, i can see how some people would be upset because they might have already named the baby etc, and pictured that baby in their minds.

be888 · December 2014

This couple is ridiculous, there was a similar article a few years ago about a Canadian couple using gender selection after 4 boys. I'm sure it is more common than we think. I feel sad for their boys.

I have always dreamed of having a girl. So when we were told we were having another boy, I was initially sad, that I may never get to have the kind of relationship with a daughter that I have with my mom. I was mostly ashamed that I wasn't more excited about this baby. I'm thrilled that our child is healthy and growing perfectly. I also think it is healthy to recognize emotions, whether they are positive or negative.

@julievdm12 People that experience gender disappointment do not love, cherish or are any less thankful for their children than you are, but they are entitled to their own feelings on the matter.

catlover790 · December 2014

I didn't watch the video yet, I will but in a hurry at lunch today. I did read the comments though. Anyway, I think that it's stories like this that make people think Ivf and IF are just people "stressing" and not really issues. I worry it will make things harder for people with IF because insurance will say that you're only going through fertility treatments to have a certain sex.

I saw a story on tv awhile ago about "designer" babies and the comments are that it should be illegal, you should be happy with however your child is. I feel that it will just be even harder for people with real infertility issues.

PinkDahLia44 · December 2014

catlover790 said:
I didn't watch the video yet, I will but in a hurry at lunch today. I did read the comments though. Anyway, I think that it's stories like this that make people think Ivf and IF are just people "stressing" and not really issues. I worry it will make things harder for people with IF because insurance will say that you're only going through fertility treatments to have a certain sex.

I saw a story on tv awhile ago about "designer" babies and the comments are that it should be illegal, you should be happy with however your child is. I feel that it will just be even harder for people with real infertility issues.

This is a very good point.

Edit to delete extraneous word.

alexeleni · December 2014

I had about 45 minutes of boy-related freakout, but now am excited. That being said, I get gender disappointment to some extent and will 100% think about adopting a girl if we have multiple boys, because I definitely want the experience of parenting both.

miahbelle · December 2014

I personally have a thing about "gender hopes/disappointment". Growing up as one of five girls I got really tired, really quickly of hearing people ask if mom and dad were trying for a boy or "what? All girls, no boys? Man I feel sorry for you" or "did y'all want a boy" or "wow all girls, your house must be so clean" or blah blah blah. More sexist comments than I ever care to head again in my life. So I'm pretty touchy when people say they want a specific sex "soooo badly" or how they are trying for a specific one or whatever. It bugs me really badly.

Fyi, no my parents were not trying for a boy.

Plus, those poor boys! I would hate knowing my parents wanted a girl THAT badly.

cf101009 · December 2014

I also had dreamed of having a girl and having a relationship with her like I have with my mother. I probably didn't realize how strongly I felt about this because I was so surprised when I was disappointed about finding out that the baby is a boy. I agree with the others that said that I felt do much worse due to the guilt of being upset and worrying about when I would get over it. I was so worried that I wouldn't get over it and upset that I wasn't ecstatic right away, especially after a loss. Well a few days later, I was in a much better place and I'm happily planning for my son now. I didn't want anyone to know that I had some disappointment or fear because I would be heartbroken if my son ever found that out or thought I wasn't thrilled about him.

theinvadermothership · December 2014

I think it's perfectly acceptable to be disappointed. We put our hopes in dreams so much in unknown factors that it is natural to be upset when the results aren't what you expect. That's why the lottery exists, isn't it? That one chance to get what you want?

I feel through society and even through our own friends and family, these expectations are built. Sure, you can have your perfect family in your head, but it is greatly fed by other people. If you have a boy and a girl, you have the perfect number. And if you suddenly want another, you are messing with the perfection. If you have all of one sex, you will ALWAYS be asked if you will try for the opposite. If you have a large family, 3+ kids, you will always be questioned if you needed another or if it was a mistake or not. Like as if having a child, the number, and what sexes you end up with is up for debate! It's awful and it's no wonder people can feel sad for a bit.

But i don't understand this... 'depression'. I know a couple people personally who have struggled with fertility. And would be more than happy to just have a baby. And it does sort of worry me that the people who really just want a baby are going to suffer bc these women just want a certain sex. Especially if you have a large family already... that just blew my mind. There are so many kids out there in the system that need a home, and you used an infertility treatment so you could have your perfect child... what about your other kids? My heart breaks for those poor kids...

It just... i can get behind gender disappointment. But this devastation is completely just... out of line. I think mom needs to get help, not have her dream baby.

ScarletOflaherty · December 2014

I think feelings are feelings and can't be helped, so I try not to judge harshly. I've known people who went through pretty bad GD, and I know for a fact they love all their children, they just didn't feel their family was complete without one of that other gender.

In a case of going high tech...I can't imagine spending the money, and it's not something I would do, but I see nothing morally or ethically wrong with doing it if it doesn't break the bank.

The only thing I do judge, and harshly, are those who do/would go as far as aborting if they didn't get what they wanted.

In the end I always tell people that while wishing for one of the other is normal, always remember you are getting a child, not a gender. I have one girl and three boys, and my daughter is a tomboy to the extreme(and quite possibly a lesbian, time will tell), who hasn't voluntarily worn a dress since she was 3, and hates even the thought of makeup. Part of me wishes I'd get to have the shopping/pedicures/prom dress etc experiences with her, but that's not her and not what makes her happy. Instead I'm getting to learn about cosplay, anime, and fanfiction with her. LOL. They are their own people, and what you see on the ultrasound in NO WAY dictates the person they will become.

PinkDahLia44 · December 2014

Laynabella said:
It's crazy what society can do to our minds... It's sometimes hard to tell the difference between what you want, what you think you will have, what would be "best" and what other people expect of you....

I'm having a girl (have 3 girls 1 boy currently)... I really wanted another girl, and thought it was a girl, but figured it would make more sense to have another boy to "balance out the family"... I even had the thought "poor dh" and we've heard that a few times from family "poor dh and ds with ALL you girls". I also think dh wanted another son, though he never came out and said that.... BUT I am so excited about this sweet little girl that is OURS (my first three girls were from a previous marriage, son is current dh's)... it's a new "breed" and I adore her and she is already so special!

But there was a strange lingering sense of "gender" disappointment and I have no reason to feel that way considering I wanted a girl... It's pretty strange.

As far as the video, I didn't watch it... but from reading through this thread I get the idea. I can sympathize with them for wanting a girl, it's not something to be ashamed of (wanting a specific sex). But I can't imagine taking it to the extreme that they did, very bizarre. And the shame they seem to have placed on their sons is very, very sad.

To be fair, the mother in the video actually seemed to feel ashamed of herself for wanting a girl so badly when she had 7 healthy boys, and she said she would "never send any of them back." The boys didn't strike me as being particularly phased by the whole ordeal.

catlover790 · December 2014

mbm1983 said:
i am getting really annoyed at the "oh you're having a boy this time? now you'll have a perfect family!!" as if having two girls would make my family less than perfect.

calling gender disappointment ridiculous to me is like saying having feelings is ridiculous. it's always okay to have feelings. it's the actions you take afterwards in dealing with those feelings that matter.

This couple is taking things to the extreme. i wonder if they have gone through therapy in dealing with this before resulting to expensive procedures? i couldn't watch the video but i was reading the article.

and i didn't know we were able to do gender selection? that's some serious Gattaca stuff right there. Do they just assume the fast swimmers are male and the slower ones are female or something? i couldn't imagine this being very accurate.

I am not sure, so someone correct me if I'm wrong but I think it's that with IVF the embryos can be tested before transfer and sex can be determined at that time.

This is where I get nervous for people with IF because I feel like people in society are going to just think everyone does IVF to have a boy or girl. I think it makes something that is already so hard on a couple even harder because other people use it for a purpose that isn't just to have a child.

erikaluna01 · December 2014

Everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel and not be judged, whether the feelings are positive or negative . It's people's actions as a result of those feelings that make them judged and ridiculed by others. What this couple did is quite unethical and counter natural selection. No matter how bad you want it, just because you have the money (or not in this couple's case) you shouldn't be able to chose the sex of your baby. It's beyond unnatural.

fiscally3 · December 2014

CaterinaC
I'm not talking about when its a health related issue - I have friend who have had twin and triplets and know that there can be some serious complications. I read an article last year about a couples who find out they are having twins (not through IVF), but only wanted one more child, so they chose to abort one of the twins. For instance, one of the families interviewed were on their third pregnancy, but just felt that having four kids wouldn't fit their lifestyle, so they aborted one twin so they would only have 3 kids. The article called it selective abortion, I'm not sure if there is another name.

isha12345 · December 2014

its my second pregnancy my first one was a boy but unfortunately he died in 4 months age this june so this time i realy wanted another boy who can fill up the space but i found out its a girl i am a little dissapointed just because now the loss of my son feels even more but i feel really bad about being dissapointed DH also seems disapointed but donot discuss it But im trying really hard to accept it n behappy for my little baby girl

JJBoden · December 2014

3 boys for me. I was super excited to have a boy for #1. I really wanted a boy for #2 as well. For #3 I thought a little girl would be fun. It's a little boy though. Do I get a little sad when I see a cute little girl in an Easter like dress knowing I'll never have a little girl to dress and play with? Yes, I do. But I'm also happy to have another boy. I'm sure my sadness will go away in time. Or maybe it won't. I won't love my 3rd son any less though and I won't be trying for a girl. We are done. My desire for a girl wasn't huge since I love being a boy mom. It was more of " it would be fun to have a girl" Lucky are the parents who get to parent both. And blessed are those of us who only have kids of the same sex. Makes for a whole different dynamic!... And lots cheaper with all the hand me downs

jszy10 · December 2014

I watched a woman walk out of the u/s room before me, with 4 family members, and I've never seen a grown woman POUT like she did. I was in awe...and might have actually stared...as she shuffled her feet (much like a soft stomp) out of the room, slumped on the waiting room couch and continued to pout about what she was having.

DH and I both wanted a girl, but I am just a thrilled about my baby boy. I struggled with IF and had to go through IVF and would seriously struggle to find words for someone who volunteered that just to get what they wanted...

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