Struggling with pregnancy annoucements again. Will these feelings ever go away?!? Long!

KDR1979 · November 2014

When we got married, we expected to have 3-4 kids. We stopped using birth control about 10 months after our wedding (had to make a dent in student loan debt first).

We went through a lot to get our twins. Our diagnosis is sperm morphology (only 0-1% normal). Our RE told us that it was unlikely we would ever have a surprise pregnancy. We finally got pregnant with our twins on our 5th embryo transfer (we also had 2 losses prior to the twins). While going through IVF, I was working in the ob/gyn field and around pregnancy ALL The time! It was a very traumatic time for me!!

We were so busy with the twins for the first 2 years and had a single frozen embryo remaining, so I was in a good place for awhile. Having a frozen embryo was nice....knowing we had a chance at another baby.

Well, the frozen embryo resulted in a 6.5 week miscarriage due to a subchorionic hemorrhage. We had prayed for so long that if the frozen embryo wasn't meant to be a baby, that it wouldn't survive thaw. First, that would have saved us money! The frozen embryo cycle cost almost $5K! We've spent so much money on IF over the years. But of course...it worked, got a positive test 5 days after transfer, 3 great betas and even saw a heartbeat before the miscarriage.

Now, it seems like EVERYONE Is pregnant. My husband's cousin had a baby this Fall- 11 months after their wedding. 2 other cousins are pregnant-one wanted a Spring/Summer due date and is due 5/30. The other one has a baby that just turned 1 this month and had a surprise pregnancy and is due 6/9. I am happy for them, but so sad for us. I turned 35 this year. We really can't afford to go back for another fresh IVF (you can't spend $15K that easily when you do have kids). Of course, I know we are SO blessed to have our twins. I just hate feeling these little stings when there is a pregnancy announcement. I would be 20 weeks tomorrow (if I hadn't miscarried). Maybe it is worse now b/c I should be pregnant right now. Fertile people just don't understand these feelings. I really don't know how to describe it. In some ways, it is jealousy, because we wish we could have a free, spontaneous pregnancy...but I am truly happy for our extended family to be growing. AND these new cousins are playmates for my twins. It is just part of the grieving process I guess.

Also, my cycles are very regular and I have signs of ovulation every month on day 14. It is just a monthly reminder of what a waste my normal cycle is. I have even considered permanent birth control and an ablation to close the door and not think about getting pregnant ever again. But, I know in my heart that I am not ready to do that yet.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does it get better? Any suggestions?

Thank you!

mcgeeva · November 2014

I'm sorry. I may not be able to relate in going through IVF as I just had my second via IUI and stime, but I do completely understand not being able to get pregnant on your own. After two babies nothing in my body has changed at all. Difference for us is IUI with no insurance ran us around 5-7 k total with drugs when we did it, and we are still crawling out of that debt along with birth bills etc. It's hard to be so happy for others when you have so much pain just trying to reach the same goal that is so easy for some. I hope you all are able to save up for another cycle in the future and it has a happy outcome. I hope with time you find some peace

Go give those beautiful babies of yours a squeeze!

Ruthie04 · November 2014

Well, I definitely don't have advice, as I'm struggling with these feelings myself. Since my twins turned two, my baby fever is raging and my jealousy is out of control. We aren't even actively trying, but I find myself green with envy whenever I'm around someone who is pregnant with their second (which is ridiculous because I have two children!). Our clinic had insane freezing standards, remaining 22 embryos from our cycles were not frozen because of grading cutoffs. I'm so angry over it now! Other clinics freeze lesser quality embryos and our boys wouldn't have even made the cut off. I'm so sad over the loss of those embryos and the possibility of FETs. We told ourselves that we'd be happy if we didn't go back to the RE, but I'm finding that harder than I anticipated. But, truthfully, $20k for a cycle is just not a possibility. If I had any faith an IUI would work (we were unexplained), we could swing that cost. Or, we could have found a way to afford a FET. But, another fresh IVF cycle is out of the question. And, that breaks my heart. It's like this carrot that is just dangling in front of me and I can't stop thinking about it. If I had any hope of a spontaneous pregnancy, those hopes have been dashed with the onset of unexplained irregular cycles (My periods are lasting weeks at a time and the doctor can't figure it out. I only had 6 days off from bleeding this cycle so it's not like I can even have sex to get pregnant!).

And, my jealousy knows no bounds. In crazy jealous over a friend who had success with an IUI and has confidence an IUI will work again. I'm crazy jealous because a friend of mine has a frosty waiting for her and, because of a spontaneous pregnancy, she doesn't know what to do with it. That's awful to be jealous of other people struggling with IF! WTH is wrong with me?! But, the thing is, I'm not really jealous of people who are having babies. I'm happy for them. I'm really jealous that people that have hope- in whatever way that hope comes. I'm jealous of people who have (any level of) confidence they can control their family number. My hope is dwindling fast and I'm heartbroken over it. I'm crying as I type this. The loss of hope is really the worst part of this. And, I get what you are saying about taking permanent measures. Part of me is looking forward to DH's eventual vascectomy, as I am hopeful the formal closing of TTC days will bring me some peace.

So, no advice. Just know you are definitely not alone. It all just sucks so much.

mcgeeva · November 2014

I'm sorry guys...

MoFree · November 2014

@KDR1979‌ I'm so sorry you're struggling. I can relate to those feelings of hurt, loss and envy. It's even hard to even read pregnancy and birth posts on here. I'm very happy everyone else is able to expand or complete their family but can't help wondering why I can't have that same success.

I wish I could tell you when those feelings will go away. I think they will always be with you, like any loss, and will sometimes appear when you don't expect it. I would just accept that this is how you feel and not fight them.

luvboston · November 2014

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I can relate in that I have had multiple losses and had to sit by while most of the last 3 years I should have been pregnant while everyone else was. We spent well over 110k and we could never try again if our last attempt didnt work because we would be financially ruined for the rest of our lives. What worked for me is just allowing myself to have my feelings being angry, sad, livid is a coping mechanism and there is no problem with it, I just had to make sure it didnt consume every waking moment like it once did. I also tried to go back to my hobbies or things I loved to do to distract me or remind me that life is still enjoyable.

The other thing I did was start putting money aside to pay for either future treatments or a trip I really wanted to go on, even if it was just spare change it made me feel like I was doing something and not just listing away.

mcgeeva · November 2014

luvboston im sorry about the 110K on treatments. That makes me sick! I just don't know why e can't have coverage for something we didn't choose.

luvboston · November 2014

mcgeeva said:
luvboston im sorry about the 110K on treatments. That makes me sick! I just don't know why e can't have coverage for something we didn't choose.

Thanks I hope I am alive for the day that immune treatment is fully covered as well as all infertility!

wille2b · November 2014

All I have to offer is ((BIG HUGS)) Im sorry!!!

STL34 · November 2014

I completely understand. My husband and I always wanted 2 kids and we wanted them to be fairly close together. We also hoped to have both before he was 40 and I was 35 (we got married when I was 30 and he was 35). I will be 37 this spring and my husband will be 42. We don't have much more in us financially or emotionally. But, I don't know how to get over trying to have another child. We have one frosty from this last IVF cycle. We will try it and if it fails, we would need a miracle to do another cycle. I hate, HATE this. ((HUGS))

zazu13 · December 2014

I am so very sorry for your loss. Our ages and IF stories are similar. We have our one frostie and I haven't even let myself think about what may or may not be in store for us in the future. It's not an answer for the hurt, but I currently have an IUD in (even though we have MFI and a surprise is near impossible). My cycles tapered off over 5 months and I haven't had one since. It's nice not to have the bother or reminder every month. Just an idea... Take care, whatever you decide is right for you.

KDR1979 · December 2014

Thanks everyone. It is good to know that others feel the same way, even though we are SAIF. It is still hard! I think people think once you have kids, you are "fine" and don't struggle with these emotions.

We won't cycle again (unless we won the mega millions)! I got some treatments discounted (because of my job) and STILL spent somewhere around $55K on infertility. My parents gave us a $5K loan for IVF and I still owe that to them. My body has been through so much. I have gained so much weight over 6 IVF's, 3 losses and a twin pregnancy. The estrogen in birth control pills gives me migraines. I felt terrible on the roller coaster of IVF drugs. I still don't feel like myself (but DD isn't the greatest sleeper either)!

I really hope these feelings fade away for all of us!

Struggling with pregnancy annoucements again. Will these feelings ever go away?!? Long!

Re: Struggling with pregnancy annoucements again. Will these feelings ever go away?!? Long!

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