Another baby already

CarolinaGirl2014 · November 2014

As I posted before, I knew that A's parents were adopting again. I didn't even realize they were 100% live and I got a text today that A's baby sister was born. What?!?! They got a call yesterday, papers signed today. I wanted this for them and for A, but thought I'd at least be able to make it through the first holidays let alone BIRTHDAY without her without a bomb like this being dropped on me. So many feelings I can even express. I haven't been able to reply yet. They're 10.5 months apart. I know it's selfish to not solely be happy for them, but grief is a tricky thing. Thanks for listening. Not even sure what to say or do. Can't even call my counselor.

lorifromwi · November 2014

I think it's totally understandable that you wanted A to have some special time to herself with her AP's and not have to think about another dynamic in the relationship.

It sounds like you and her AP's have made some great progress on your relationship and this adds a new factor into that. If they are having a rough time with the other BM, it could impact things with you.

It's a lot to deal with, but it sounds like you have a pretty solid relationship with them and I'm sure you will be able to work through this too.

((hugs))

Dr.Loretta · November 2014

Not selfish at all. It's a lot to process. Big hugs to you

maryoosa · November 2014

Many many hugs to you. This is a huge thing.

isenbergbeth · November 2014

(((((Hugs)))))

leisemomtobe · November 2014

I wish I knew what to say myself. All I can offer is hugs to you. ❤

[Deleted User] · November 2014

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CarolinaGirl2014 · November 2014

Thank you all so very much. This board has helped me more than I can express. I reached out to my closest group of friends and only one has even tried to be there- the rest didn't even respond and I know it's because they don't get it. I wanted a sibling for A and am so happy that she got one, but it's far more painful than I had imagined and I can't completely figure out why. My dear birthmom friend went through the same thing with her daughter so she gets it, but she's in another state with her husband's family and her 7 month old baby so she is barely available.

Maybe it's partly hard because she was the very best thing I've ever done with my life and the biggest "gift" I've given (for lack of better phrasing) and this kinda feels like the best of me wasn't enough. Maybe it's because I chose adoption so she could have a better life, I know they've been struggling due to overextending themselves financially, and she's no longer their world. Maybe it's because yesterday was Thanksgiving, my birthday is in 3 weeks, Christmas in 4, and her Birthday in less than 6 weeks. I kept telling myself I could get through this because she'd be available to me. Her Mom kept stalling officially scheduling a Christmas get-together with my family (who hasn't seen A in 6 months) because she wanted to schedule all her stuff first. I got that, but now I'm in terrible fear it won't happen. I was going to visit my sister around A's birthday and pop in for an hour, per A's Mom's suggestion. I was going to facetime them briefly during or around the bid days (which we've never done before). Now I feel like everything we'd built up to help me be OK is falling apart and there's nothing I can do. I don't want to ask her about the visit or calls because I know she must be overwhelmed with a baby in the NICU (born at 33w 5d) and a 10.5 month old and work and the sudden placement.

Also, I've been having big anxiety about her bday. I haven't heard anything about a party and I guess I've been terrified I won't be invited but more terrified to ask. I know I don't have a right to be there and she may want it to just be family, but I know it will absolutely kill me to know that it's happening without me when I'm supposed to be such close family.I guess I always envisioned myself there but was too scared to ask and now everything has happened.

Sorry this is so long- I just need to get it out and want your honest opinions and advice as AP's and PAP's (and EMoms and BMoms, of course!).

Dr.Loretta · November 2014

I've been thinking about this, and I'm wondering if they got their paperwork in early expecting a long wait. And then bam, they got a quick placement. It sounds like a lot on your plate and theirs, so I hope this is just a little bump in the road, much like the sleep regression was.

CarolinaGirl2014 · November 2014

They did have a super fast placement- baby was born Monday, their profile was shown Tuesday, and TPR was signed Wednesday. So I was one of the first people to know. I'm not faulting them for accepting placement or for me not knowing sooner. I know there's no fault on anyone, but I'm struggling anyway. I knew I'd have these feelings and it's amplified being so sudden and in the midst of holidays and birthdays. I just thought I'd have more time.

summergirl79 · November 2014

Hugs to you. I can only imagine how tough this may be, especially at this time of year. I was thinking similarly to Dr Loretta- as we had a fast match when adopting our first child and now we have been waiting a year for our next child so it's unfortunately it is hard to predict. Sending good vibes and prayers your way.

beachybride10 · November 2014

Hugs!

oliv0026 · November 2014

Wow, That is a lot for you and I cant imagine how you are feeling. I have seen people going to the first adoption and waiting forever and then they put the paperwork in early and all of sudden they get picked really fast. Anyway, All I can offer you is hugs and hope the hard times will pass fast and leave you with better feelings.

maryoosa · December 2014

So much for you! I do encourage you to reach out to whoever is in your support network- even if you think your good birthmom friend is busy with her kid- reach out, same goes for whatever social worker you might be close with. And I'd also encourage you to reach out to A's mom- you can always ask how the baby is, ask how A is doing- have casual conversation. You can also outright ask about birthday stuff--- something like "I know that things are super busy with holidays and the new baby, but I was wondering if we could make some plans around A's birthday. Will you be having a party?" and then you've made it clear that you want solid plans, and you leave the door open for them to respond and invite you. Much love.

CaptainSerious · December 2014

Dr.Loretta said:

I've been thinking about this, and I'm wondering if they got their paperwork in early expecting a long wait. And then bam, they got a quick placement. It sounds like a lot on your plate and theirs, so I hope this is just a little bump in the road, much like the sleep regression was.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Many families who adopt wish for more than one child. I'm sure you understand that that in no way diminishes the love they have for their first child, just as it doesn't in biological families. Also, families never know how long the adoption process will take. I'm sure this family wasn't really expecting another baby right away, but feared waiting an additional year or two after waiting first and then preparing their paperwork. It's not uncommon for families adopting a second time to have everything ready to go because they don't want to suffer through a long wait and experience a large gap between their children. None of this is meant to minimize what you are feeling, which is just as valid. I can only imagine how overwhelming it must seem, especially when you fear that they may pull away from you as this new baby demands more of their time and attention. I only offer the above by way of tying to make their actions more understandable. It's not ideal, but with patience and understanding on both sides, I'm sure you'll be able to continue a positive and healthy relationship with A and her family going forward. Lots of warm thoughts of support to you as you go through this challenging time of change.

CarolinaGirl2014 · December 2014

Thank you, all. I did finally ask to speak to her on the phone and when she called I asked about our plans. She was obviously upset that I had the gall to ask when she had a baby at home and another in the NICU but said we'd try to do my bday visit. Family Christmas visit is put off until at least late Jan as a bday thing but I won't be invited to a bday party because she doesn't think it's appropriate. Wish I had brought that up a long, long, time ago. Haven't heard from her since then (9 days) so I'm figuring this and her attitude out. I feel like her compassion and sympathy for me is gone because she feels I should be fine by now and happy with the relationship/contact she now is comfortable with. It hurts that I have 0% input.

leisemomtobe · December 2014

I am so sorry she is treating you this way. I can understand her being overwhelmed with one baby at home, another in the NICU, but at the same time, she needs to check her attitude with you and also realize that she may have it hard right now, but you are still a priority. I would be upset and hurt, like you are, if that happened to me. And this just makes me realize even more, that DH and I need to keep an open mind, should something like this happen to us. She shouldn't shut you out like this. Sending you lots of hugs!!!

bbyskittels · December 2014

Big hugs, you've shown me a whole other side of adoption. Feelings and emotions are tricky, especially when we don't have enough time to process. I hope the AP come around since are able to look at things from your perspective and give you what you need.

oliv0026 · December 2014

I agree the way she is treating is not right at all and it is sad but I can also understand how overwhelmed she might be and might not realize how she treated you. I am not saying that is right, but be a little more understanding that right now, she just has too much on her plate and ahe ia probably having difficulty dealing with it all... Gosh I cant imagine having a baby and another at NICU, peobably dealing with adoption paperwork , getting the house ready for another baby, holidays to plan and birthdays to plan? urgh. ..Maybe if you can give her sometime then maybe she will think about what she said and come around again. ..

maryoosa · December 2014

I'm so sorry for her response to you. I can see the overwhelm with a wee one at home and the baby in the NICU- still, that's her stuff to work out not yours. I'm also terribly sad for you that she won't invite you to A's party, and that Christmas has been postponed. Hopefully, at least birthday parties will change someday. The super hard thing about open adoption is that it's awkward- no matter how much all the adults love each other- navigating the relationship is really really really awkward. And I find this especially true when there are big life changes happening for each other- something that is already "different" than most other relationships we all have gets harder when each person has other stuff going on. This of course doesn't excuse her behavior- you called her on it and that was very brave of you and you shouldn't have had to do it.

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