AW: People you share your TTC troubles with (And why I want to slug my mother)

pinkdoggie · November 2014

**************pregnancy mentioned, not mine***************

Hey guys!

I just need to vent a little to some of the ladies who are also 3Ters because I'm pretty upset and feel like I have no where else to turn.

I used to be really open about the fertility thing. I told everyone we were trying at the beginning and now I wish I hadn't because I can see that look in their eyes whenever they see me and know I'm still not pregnant like "Oh, you poor thing!" and I HATE it. I also feel like those who DO get pregnant kind of rub it in my face (my DH's 19 year old cousin is due February and will sit there and steer every conversation towards her pregnancy, and sit there and rub her stomach, it makes me ill watching her). Just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this before. I now lie and tell people "Oh we're waiting" or "Yeah, I'm off birth control, but we don't care if it takes awhile."

So now I come to my mother. She made little comments before about me not getting pregnant, things like "What is wrong with you? What did I do when I was pregnant with you to make you like this?" (I have PCOS) Then she would hang up on me and get pissed when I didn't want to talk to her about my journey.

So, after a few months, I decided to open up with her again, because out of everyone I would love to get support from her. When I told her I was seeing an RE and how much it was going to be, do you know what she said? She said: "What's wrong with you? I don't understand it. Everyone on both your dad and my side are fertile and get pregnant just like that." It made me feel like shit, all day yesterday and still does. I couldn't even speak, I just had to hang up.

Blech. Sometimes I hate my family.

dancerspose · November 2014

First of all, ((HUGS)) and lots of them. I'm so sorry you're mother has spoken that way to. Unfortunately, it just screams of ignorance about what infertility truly is. I'd say you should try to educate her, maybe send her to the RESOLVE website and use some of the resources there, but from what you've described I'm not sure it will work. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of patience for people like that (not matter who they are), and if she refuses to get educated and become supportive I'd say something like "This is not a subject I am going to discuss with you anymore, please respect that."

I don't have any advice about the wider audience. DH and I were the opposite in that we didn't tell many people when we decided to start trying. We still get plenty of people who ask us about it since we've been married 2 years and are in our 30s, but I try to shrug it off. I've basically taken two approaches depending on how close we are to the person. If it's someone really close to us I may tell them that we require medical assistance and leave it at that. Other people we just say "hopefully someday."

Again, I am so sorry you're dealing with this and I don't have anything better than support to offer you. Good luck with your family, and come here whenever you need the support you, unfortunately, aren't getting from them. HUGS again!

TLooney17 · November 2014

Sorry that you had to go through that. Those comments are really insensitive! I think that people who have never dealt with infertility just don't get it. Your mom has no idea how you feel or how hurtful her comments are. I am pretty open with my family, and they are supportive but they definitely don't get it. I am going through ivf right now, and I don't think they really have any clue what I am going through.

My only advice is that maybe you don't open up to your mom anymore. You have tried, and she clearly is incapable of putting herself in your shoes. Maybe you could look to a friend for support and you always have the ladies here at the bump .

pinkdoggie · November 2014

Thanks everyone, I think it's a good suggestion using Resolve to educate people about this, but I definitely feel like my mom is a lost cause. Even if she isn't I'm really mad at her and don't feel like going out of my way to help her understand something she should be trying to understand on her own...me being her daughter and all, hahaha. **hugs** to all of you and I hope you get your little bundles of joys soon.

LindseyM2012 · November 2014

***Baby mentioned***

I have told a couple people and now wish I hadn't. My best friend sounds like your husband's cousin in that she will turn every conversation to her. When she was pregnant, it was about being pregnant. Now that she has the baby, it is about being a mom. She'll even go as far as asking me about IF stuff and immediately go on to say, "Yea...we're giving it another month until we start trying again. I want [baby girl] to have a sibling sooner than later. I'm sure it won't take much time for me to get pregnant again since it only took 3 months the first time." UGH!!!! She isn't even pregnant anymore and she still rests her hand on her stomach in that protective, pregnant lady way. I've just slowly phased the IF conversations out with her. I will only answer her questions in vague ways when she asks (example: "We're working on it" or "Its in the works" when she asks if I'm cycling right now).

I didn't mean to tell my mom. It just came out during a wine-fueled phone conversation. She was surprised because she'd "never had a problem." In fact, the three kids she had "were super easy and mostly unplanned." UGH! She did ask about treatment options, which I did my best to educate her about (she responds well - usually - to logic). She then proceeded to question me what all these meds will do to my liver and demand I get a 2nd opinion. Trying to explain to her that I HAVE seen 2 docs (one very respected RE) for opinions and I HAVE researched the treatment options. I laid it out for her that this is what I'm doing and it is not her place to say anything without having done research into my condition or the treatments. She nor I have brought IF up again with each other. We are very different people and she doesn't understand why I have a hard time dealing with the fact I can't give my husband a baby on my own. She never really wanted so many kids (if any, really) so I have no idea why I told her.

Sorry for the book. All this is to say, I can totally understand not feeling supported - especially by your mother. It hurts and you just want to shake or slap them into understanding. You can do your best to educate, but people who haven't experienced IF have limitations to what they can understand and how much they can truly empathize. (((HUGS)))

katers79 · November 2014

Omg! That is so awful. I'm so sorry that your mom isn't more supportive of you. ((Hugs)) I hope tomorrow isn't unbearable for you. There's always wine if not!

megrae12 · November 2014

I am so sorry. That is really hard. ((Hugs)) sweetie.

BandM14 · November 2014

That is truly awful, I'm so sorry. We told a lot of people that we were trying in the beginning too, so I totally get the "you poor thing" looks as well. I agree that it's possible to try and educate people, but if that causes you more stress then I would just refuse to discuss it with those people anymore. I'm so sorry again that you are going through this.

ronniesgirl1981 · November 2014

I am so sorry that your mother reacted that way. She probably does feel like it is somehow her fault. I think that's just a mom thing.

I severely limited the people we share with. I can't stand the thought of someone pitying me or--God forbid--suggesting some juvenile way to fix the problem like prop your legs up.

Unfortunately, you can't reverse the fact that your mother knows. I hope she can drop it and just offer the support you need.

Nlk711 · November 2014

Sending hugs to you. That is really upsetting to not have the support of your mother. Also, know you are not alone. I'm dealing with family issues with pregnancy as well. Only a few people know about our IF, but the ones that do are even not sensitive to the situation talking about how they are TTC and think we have something in common. At least know that you have the support of all of us!

It's so hard to deal with so sending you positive energy and thoughts!!!

SND1231 · November 2014

I am so sorry. I hate that you are going through this without the support that you need. Sometimes people just do not understand. I have a "friend" who knows we are trying and constantly tells me all that I need are some OPKs and I would get preggo in a month. Just like her. Because she was stupid and thought that you always ovulate on day 14 of your cycle no matter what. Yah no.. Anyhow. I am sorry that you are having such a rough time. We are all here for you and know how you are feeling. ((Hugs))

pinkdoggie · November 2014

SND1231 said:

I am so sorry. I hate that you are going through this without the support that you need. Sometimes people just do not understand. I have a "friend" who knows we are trying and constantly tells me all that I need are some OPKs and I would get preggo in a month. Just like her. Because she was stupid and thought that you always ovulate on day 14 of your cycle no matter what. Yah no.. Anyhow. I am sorry that you are having such a rough time. We are all here for you and know how you are feeling. ((Hugs))

Aw thanks! I am so sick of the people who think they know everything. As @ronniesgirl1981 said, the suggestions like "putting your legs up" after sex make me cringe! I hate the people too who tell me to relax. OR the most annoying "suggestion": "just get drunk one night, and BAM! the next morning you'll be pregnant!" UGH. But thanks for understanding. it helps so much having people who have been through this kind of thing before.

kelizafk · November 2014

@pinkdoggie‌ I just want to say that it's unfortunate that on top of dealing with the physical, mental and emotional issues you've been dealt (I also have PCOS and feel your pain), that you have to deal with other peoples' judgements and insensitive comments. I've found that as much as it hurts to have to keep what you're going through to yourself when you need support, in times like this it's helpful to only share with and rely on those that you know will be supportive. You're going through enough. I kept my issues to myself, other than my husband, best friends and mother. I always got pressure from my husbands family, and they can be quite rude and opinionated, so I left them out, it being none of their business and all. After I lied just like you about wanting kids to avoid the insensitive and pushy comments, I let his parents in on my struggles to hopefully let them realize they needed to back off. His mother was surprisingly tamed by it, his father on the other hand, asked " why did my son marry a detective woman, he needs to get a new wife." He found this hilarious. Needless to say, I haven't seen them since. We're ok with that. It's gone back to my struggle, and my husbands struggle with me. I only talk to people who can be there for me, not harm me anymore. So, I feel you is where I'm getting at, and you're not alone. Don't feel you need to share with those that can't be respectful. I hope everyone begins to truly be there for you, and good luck with everything!

BunnyBerry · November 2014

@lindseym2012
I didn't mean to tell my mom. It just came out during a wine-fueled phone conversation. She was surprised because she'd "never had a problem." In fact, the three kids she had "were super easy and mostly unplanned." UGH! She did ask about treatment options, which I did my best to educate her about (she responds well - usually - to logic). She then proceeded to question me what all these meds will do to my liver and demand I get a 2nd opinion. Trying to explain to her that I HAVE seen 2 docs (one very respected RE) for opinions and I HAVE researched the treatment options. I laid it out for her that this is what I'm doing and it is not her place to say anything without having done research into my condition or the treatments. She nor I have brought IF up again with each other. We are very different people and she doesn't understand why I have a hard time dealing with the fact I can't give my husband a baby on my own. She never really wanted so many kids (if any, really) so I have no idea why I told her.

Wow I feel like we have the same mom! She won't stop talking about how she was a "fertile myrtle" and always missed her first period after stopping BC. And she loves to dramatize about the risks of IF treatment but hasn't lifted a finger to learn anything real! It's so self-centered and thoughtless.

PinkDoggie - I am so sorry. It sounds like your mom just can't get over this idea that it's all about her - and your PCOS/IF is a reflection on her failure in some way. I hope you have no trouble finding trusted confidantes in your IF journey.

Edited for post-Thanksgiving spelling hangover

TTCBabyJ · November 2014

murrt said:
I'm sorry your Mom sucks at this. If it makes you feel better, my sister sucks at this too.

Honestly, I'd be tempted to try to tell her it was her fault. If she doesn't want to educate herself about PCOS and all that you're going through, and she says "What did I do to make you like this?" I'd probably respond with "I'm not sure what you did Mom, but maybe you can read up on the condition and let me know what you learn". Maybe that's a little passive agressive...OK, alot passive agressive. But TP to her for trying to make it about herself while blaming you in the process.

Hugs.

I totally agree...
My dad and uncle can be pretty insensitive and extremely ignorant. I totally blamed my PCOS on my dad. I said there is a sex linked inheritance, like color blindness. I didn't feel bad one bit. He actually stopped even asking about a baby update. Hey sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. Family can be so rude a lot of times.

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