I am a terrible person

amedbery · November 2014

So we are at the in-law's for Thanksgiving. FIL has some chronic health conditions that he likes to ignore and he puts off going to the doctor until the shit hits the fan and he has flare ups at the worst times. Well he has been having GI issues and has not wanted to go the the doctor even though MIL has begged him to.

Around 4 this AM, he began violently vomiting and pooping blood and was still doing so at ten. They have one bathroom so it was not the best situation for me, but he was sick and couldn't help it. He still fucking refused to go to the hospital until me and DH made his MIL call 911. Now MIL gets to spend Thanksgiving with him in the hospital.

They are still figuring out what is going on - probably infected diverticulitis from not following the prescribed diet or following up with the doctor for it. I'm upset and worried, but also supremely pissed. My MIL was looking forward to Thanksgiving with DH since we won't be able to come visit for Christmas, but that is not happening now. I feel bad for her and DH worrying about his dad. And just mad at him for being selfish in terms of not seeing the doctor and taking care of himself. And now I feel like an asshole for being mad.

Anyway, vent over. I just can't yell at him and needed to yell.

kboyet · November 2014

Don't feel bad. This same thing is the case wht my grandparents who raised me. They always let things get out of hand and don't follow up with medici protocol. It's aggravating and I worry at the same time. My grandma had to go to the ER and will be in the hospital for thanksgiving this year too. I always hear "this could be my last". Anyhow. You aren't terrible and I can totally relate.
Hopefully your FIL gets some answers and gets better soon!

agsgrrl · November 2014

Ugggggh I get fucking diverticulitis (sorry for the " fucking" but it suuuucks) you can die from ignoring shit like that! I'm glad they finally got him in the hospital, hopefully he will learn to take care of himself before it gets that bad again.

ebilbao · November 2014

That would piss me off, too. Like, because you neglected your health and didn't do what you KNEW you were supposed to be doing, everyone is inconvenienced.

amedbery · November 2014

misskilljoy said:
I don't blame you for being frustrated. My FIL is very similar - ignores health concerns and just brushes them off with "everyone in my family dies young, it's just a reality, nothing I can do about it." Yes you can! Change your lifestyle!

Hope your FIL is okay and that this scares him into smartening up. If you're like me, you'd probably like your child to actually meet his/her grandfather.

You hit the nail on the head - I keep telling him that if he is so excited to meet his granddaughter he should do more to be around to spend time with her. My dad and two of his siblings are doctors, my mom and her sister are nurses and my aunt is married to a doctor. I have several cousins that are nurses and in med school. So I didn't grow up in a world where this would fly and it just doesn't compute.

2JEL · November 2014

Late to the party on this, but just want to be very clear you are not a horrible person and I think you did what any person who is not in deep denial would have advised FIL to do given his symptoms. As PP mentioned, that situation can rapidly escalate to sepsis and other things nobody wants to spend thanksgiving thinking about-- for all you know, you saved his life. Kudos.

caroline0613 · November 2014

You are a good person!

AlwaysForgetful · November 2014

Wow. I am sorry you have to deal with this. And honestly? I would be PISSED too. Except I would not be so nice as you are. We have much lesser health concerns here. Nothing anywhere like that. Just severe acid reflux. SO use to eat pure crap, was on 3 meds for it and had break outs every day. I also have a child with it (he ate much better though). It took me a year, but I changed that diet around. We now eat better, noses are turned up sometimes at food, but tough. Meds are down. Again, no where near as bad or as scary as your situation. It still pisses me off when you have a serious medical condition and ignore it. I am the queen of ignoring colds for myself. But I don't mess with my kids or pregnancy stuff. My kids need me to be in the picture.

Maybe remind your DH how selfish it is. You guys have a kid on the way. It isn't easy for a kid to have a sick parent (or even a disabled parent).

CandEChicago · November 2014

Hope your FIL is doing better.

amedbery · November 2014

Thank you all for making me feel better! They will do a colonoscopy today. The nurses mentioned that if he kept screwing around, there could be a colostomy bag in his future. If that doesn't get his attention, I don't know what will.

hellopartyof5 · November 2014

My friend has Crohn's and colitis and because she doesn't eat properly she's had so many surgeries. It's really sad and I honestly feel horrible for her H. They weren't even married for a year when her condition got very bad and has just stayed that way because she refuses to change her diet.

CandEChicago · November 2014

I think (eventually) pointing out that his behavior is not only wreckless it impacted others might be in order. Sometimes you think you are just hurting yourself...

gdaniels77 · November 2014

amedbery said:
Thank you all for making me feel better! They will do a colonoscopy today. The nurses mentioned that if he kept screwing around, there could be a colostomy bag in his future. If that doesn't get his attention, I don't know what will.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, with this timing. I completely understand being upset at your FIL for letting his own health get to that point after being hard-headed about it. If it's not the length of his own life and wellbeing he cares about, he should at least realize it's selfish to put his family, who does care, through so much grief. I never understood why my dad would get angry with my grandfather and yell at him about his health issues, until after he had passed and I realized that he could have easily lived an extra 10 or so years just from following doctors orders an changing his lifestyle. It boiled up as anger with my dad but only because he desperately didn't want to see his father in the condition he put himself in but there was nothing he could do to convince him to listen.

That nurse was probably clever to mention the colostomy bag if he doesn't get his act together. It sounds like a lot of his stubbornness stems from pride, and that prospect may be humiliating to him more so than seeing it as a serious medical intervention. But it doesn't really matter whether it's his pride or his sensibility that is triggered, if it works it works. So hopefully either way as you said, it will get his attention.

BrainCellSup · November 2014

You're definitely not a horrible person--neither is your FIL. Denial, seeking control, seemingly giving up, all seem to me to be unsurprising reactions to major health issues. That doesn't change how reckless his behavior is and certainly not how frustrating it is for his loved ones, but he probably just doesn't even hear the concern as such anymore since this has been an ongoing battle. I hope you can find a way to break though all that so it finally clicks that his health is in his own hands and the weight of the consequences isn't his alone to bear. I'm really sorry you're going through this during what would ideally be a cozy family time. I hope your FIL improves and you all can relax a bit soon.

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