respect your parents....But should ours respect us?

julestony · November 2014

Running into an issue...my MIL watches LO twice a week so I can go in and work at the office, I'm lucky enough to work the other three days from home. Last week when I was putting LO down as MIL got there, MIL started talking to her. I asked her to please not talk to DD while she's being put to sleep as it will keep her up (it stimulates her and she won't go down then). I asked MIL to put DD to sleep while I finished getting ready for work. I came down within ten minutes and MIL was trying to have a conversation with DD (11 weeks old). I very sternly told her, I said not to talk with her, it well only keep her up. She blatantly disregarded this instruction within 10 min right in front of me!
Later in the day, textured her two questions, one about DD and one not. She only answered the one not about DD. Asked her again, she didn't answer. Don't know how to handle this...DH said he was going to talk with her, but didn't talk about the things that need addressed.
Am I out of line that my MIL (and anyone else that watches DD) should respect our wishes and methods of parenting? I've always had a good relationship with MIL, and don't want these issues to sour it, but need her to respect us as parents. Any advice?

Edit b/c I can't spell. :P

bainidhedub · November 2014

I can understand her wanting to play with the baby when she gets there, but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to help you maintain a consistent nap time routine. Is she the kind of person who would take it more seriously from an article or book than from you or YH?

RedBaramid · November 2014

I butt heads with my MIL sometimes.. (I evidently hold my baby too much...pssh. She refuses to give her medicine when she has a tummy ache and wants her to scream... crazy woman.) But here's what I say, I PUSH for my way on the super important things, but if my MIL wants to listen to her scream when she watches her and refuses to give her the gripe water then FINE, she can deal with that. But as soon as I am there, she gets the medicine. We have a standing agreement that she tries things my way FIRST. We argue a bit, and she knows that if she makes a call I'm unhappy with that it means less time with the grand baby. But I also give her a fair listen.

In your case I'd make it known that you're the mommy, and that this is YOUR baby to raise, and that she has already raised her babies. Tell her that if you ever NEED or WANT advice you'll ask and listen openly, but politely demand that she respect your parenting decisions. Even better, sit down and have this conversation with her WITH YH present so you are all on the same page. Make sure YH has your back and isn't going to back down to mommy. YH and you are a parenting team now. It shouldn't be you verses them, but make sure your MIL knows that if it comes to that, that your team will always win when it comes to your LO. We did this with my MIL and honestly, a lot of the things I felt she did wrong she actually came around to doing my way out of convenience.. and some of the things I hated that she did actually make my LO so happy that I do them now. Raising babies takes a village.

MrsLaLaBug · November 2014

The way we learn respect growing up is by our parents teaching us, so yes, I absolutely think she should respect you and your wishes. It's your baby. And I'd make SURE your DH handles your requests to discuss things with her, also. It's his mother, after all.

ashaw512 · November 2014

I'm in the same situation, kind of. FIL wants to get DD a pony for Christmas. He also expects us to find somewhere to keep it and pay for it, we can't afford a damn pony we just had a baby. Also DD is two years old wtf does he think she's going to do with it? Sorry for the rant, I keep telling him no but he keeps saying he's looking at them.
DH says no and he still says he's going to, idk what to do about ppl that don't listen to anything you tell them.
You could tell her if she doesn't respect your schedule and how you want your baby to be taken care of them she won't watch her anymore. I told my FIL he was getting a pony for Christmas is he bought DD one, my FIL is going to be stuck with a pony.

Ivorytower2 · November 2014

Same boat here. My DH always agrees with my points behind closed doors but then just stands there like an idiot when it's time to confront his Mother. Ugh- mama's boys are the friggen worst.

julestony · November 2014

bainidhedub said:
I can understand her wanting to play with the baby when she gets there, but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to help you maintain a consistent nap time routine. Is she the kind of person who would take it more seriously from an article or book than from you or YH?

No, she wouldn't. Her response would be that she raised three boys...great, that was forty years ago, and a lot has changed.

julestony · November 2014

RedBaramid said:
I butt heads with my MIL sometimes.. (I evidently hold my baby too much...pssh. She refuses to give her medicine when she has a tummy ache and wants her to scream... crazy woman.) But here's what I say, I PUSH for my way on the super important things, but if my MIL wants to listen to her scream when she watches her and refuses to give her the gripe water then FINE, she can deal with that. But as soon as I am there, she gets the medicine. We have a standing agreement that she tries things my way FIRST. We argue a bit, and she knows that if she makes a call I'm unhappy with that it means less time with the grand baby. But I also give her a fair listen.

In your case I'd make it known that you're the mommy, and that this is YOUR baby to raise, and that she has already raised her babies. Tell her that if you ever NEED or WANT advice you'll ask and listen openly, but politely demand that she respect your parenting decisions. Even better, sit down and have this conversation with her WITH YH present so you are all on the same page. Make sure YH has your back and isn't going to back down to mommy. YH and you are a parenting team now. It shouldn't be you verses them, but make sure your MIL knows that if it comes to that, that your team will always win when it comes to your LO. We did this with my MIL and honestly, a lot of the things I felt she did wrong she actually came around to doing my way out of convenience.. and some of the things I hated that she did actually make my LO so happy that I do them now. Raising babies takes a village.

Thanks. I talked with DH about it and he called his dad who agreed that MIL needs to follow our parenting guidelines. Then DH called her and talked to her, but forgot to talk about some of the things that are most important. It feels like she brushes off what instructions I give and excuse is always "I had three boys, I know what to do with a baby." Urgh. DH said we'll sit and talk to her Sunday. She's supposed to watch DD on Monday again. I made it very clear that if we don't have a sit down Sunday and address all this that I would have to do it on my own Monday, and don't want to have to do that. My MIL and I have always had a pretty good relationship and I don't want this to sour it.

ashaw512 · November 2014

withagrainofsalt said:
@ashaw512 A pony?! For a 2 year old?! Your FIL is whack.

He into rodeo big time. My SIL daughter is 12 and has always loved horses since she was little. He's trying to start her early or some shit. He thinks bc he's grandfather he can do what he wants.

emmylu30 · November 2014

I can commiserate. My MIL has never respected boundaries and that is now carrying over to our children. I believe she is also in the school of "I raised 3 children so you shouldn't be able to tell me what to do". When I was pregnant with LO she gave my 2 year old cough medicine without asking us and she oftentimes talks about giving LO water. When we talk to her about things she would respond very passive aggressively and then not come around for a long time. For the sake of our relationship with her, particularly my DH and our sons, we now pick our battles with her. Our big ones are her not drinking while watching kids, not giving our sons medicine without asking, and not giving LO water or formula (she's not BF friendly) without asking. I totally agree with you that she should respect how you want to raise your kids and am on your side but you may think of some of your deal breakers and let some of the smaller things go.

ashaw512 · November 2014

I think some grandparents never got the memo that our children are not theirs and they can't do whatever they want with them, even if we don't like it. They do things without thinking of how we will react, like my FIL getting DD a pony, she can't do anything with it right now, and she won't be able to for a few more years. Neither me or DH is going to take her to the barn everyday and I'll be damned if my FIL thinks he can take her, he will give her sugar and let her run wild.

Like @emmylu30 with the medicine, it wasn't the fact that she gave him medicine but the fact that she didn't ask you first. Sorry girl, but she sounds like a real peach.

@julestony‌ I think in your case you are either going to have to put your foot down and be a straight bitch or find someone else to keep your LO and you can take LO over when you can be around to watch your MIL.

amom2four · November 2014

My mom is the culprit with only one of my kids. I had my oldest while I was living with them and my mom helped watch her while I was working and in school. From that day, my mother has always tried to overstep and overrule my parenting. It all came to a stop when my daughter (13) and I got into a fight after she came home from spending some time with my parents this summer. Dd called my mother and my mom babies her and then tells me a bunch of bs. I finally got through to her when I told her point blank, she is my child, not yours. You have to follow my rules and respect the way I am raising her when she is with you. It worked and she now asks before she allows things that I may say no to.

I think I'm doing ok. My 13 year old is one of a few girls in her grade that has not started wearing disgusting amounts of makeup and black eyeliner, has never colored her hair crazy colors and isn't making out and having sex with all the boys in the school. Win in my book.

Stand your ground, be nice but firm. It will be worth it.

julestony · November 2014

breannekot said:
OP-
Are you paying your MIL to care for your baby or is she doing it for free?
Family care may be financially free, but typically you "pay" by having to let go of some things like this. You'll need to pick your battles on things. Talking to the baby while putting her down is going to be pretty low on the totem pole of boundary battles.
Just some food for thought.

I agree that battles need to be chosen wisely. This early in age, talk to and stimulating LO when she's falling asleep is a big deal in my book when it prohibits her from napping. I was gone to work for eight hours and was told she only slept a total of an hour. That's not ok for an 11 week old baby. And it's because she kept talking to and trying to play with her. DH needs a serious talk with her, no passive aggressive on either side is going to fly, or I will.

wieb67 · November 2014

I totally understand how you feel - I'm constantly getting annoyed with my MIL about things that others find nitpicky - she just never listens to anything I say. So hard to find a balance between being grateful for the free help and getting super annoyed. My husband finally called a family meeting and talked to his mom about her listening skills -- that helped for about three seconds. I really wish I could get over my issues cuz yours seems like something actually worth getting upset over.

julestony · November 2014

@wieb67 if there was a family meeting, I'm sure your issues were more than valid. I'm sorry you're dealing with this too

respect your parents....But should ours respect us?

Re: respect your parents....But should ours respect us?

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