No way out
uyarndog
member
Here is my situation: I have never kept my dislike of children a secret from my wife, and with the exception of a brief period of time during our engagement where I thought I had changed my mind on the subject, I have always been plain about my desire to not have children. From my perspective children are repulsive and disgusting annoyances; a lifelong burden of responsibility and the forceful mandatory re-arrangement of priorities. I have significant trouble being around them, and God help you if you try to make me hold a baby, read to them or change a diaper. These are all personal and selfish reasons of course, but I could go on and on about practical reasons for remaining childless, the most relevant are being financial and maturity-related. I have tried, time and time again, to explain to my wife the need to reduce spending on impulse purchases for non-essential things; that the reason that we live just a little past paycheck-to-paycheck lies in all the household knickknacks that occupy every flat surface we own. It is rare for me to come home and not find some new houseplant or kitchen gadget, newly purchased with no discussion prior, lying on the table. We just purchased a home in June, and are still getting adjusted to the mortgage payment and the high cost of heating oil. Conventional wisdom suggests keeping enough savings to weather several months of unemployment; we routinely pay off bills the day we get paid, and maintain less than $200 in the checking account until next paycheck. A financial safety net is a luxury I have never experienced with my wife. Maturity-wise, my wife was an only child and had a childhood full of getting what she wanted, with a mother who was more of a friend than a parent and an easygoing father who was always quick to bail her out of any mess. “It’ll be fine” is my wife’s answer to most problems, which typically means that it’s time for me to step up and deal with whatever new catastrophe life has thrown at us. Despite this, my wife is convinced that being a mother is her calling, even though we can’t afford for her to be out of work for any amount of time and that she is completely unprepared for the emotional and physical trials and tribulations of pregnancy and childbirth.
So recently, she made it known to me that she had missed her period, taken a pee test and had a “pregnant” result. She had recently discontinued using her birth control (not my idea, and one she did not discuss with me) and contraception fell entirely to me (we had always “doubled-up” before, with her pill and condoms). A 99.8% success rate doesn't mean much when you happen to fall into the 0.2%, which in no time at all is what happened to us. As you might have guessed already, I urged her to consider abortion as an alternative to a lifetime of strife and ruin. She was not receptive to the idea – neither of us are religious by any stretch of the imagination, and she had previously claimed to be pro-choice, so I was surprised to learn that she already considered the lump of cells clinging to her uterus to be a person, and to prematurely remove it to be unthinkably cruel. It is still very early in the pregnancy and a non-invasive medication-induced abortion is available at minimal effort, yet without her agreement it might as well be illegal.
I am stuck on what to do now. On one hand, I love my wife and when I vouched to stand by her side, whatever may come, I made an ironclad promise that I will never go back on. On the other, I am convinced that we are unprepared for the responsibility of a child and doubt that I will feel anything other than resentment for this kid from the moment I lay eyes on it. I know most people don’t feel this strongly negative about kids and I already know I must be a wretched person for feeling this way (just another reason I shouldn't be a parent & role model), but unless my wife changes her mind, or if she has the miscarriage I find myself already wishing for, I don’t see a way out of this future filled with misery and failure. I am at my breaking point and all I feel is despair and dread.
I feel completely alone with these thoughts that have tormented me since the moment I saw that positive test stick. I can’t think of anyone I know who would understand or approve of my position on this. This world is filled to the brim with people and pain; like it says in The Princess Bride: “Life is pain…anyone who says different is selling something.” Who am I to contribute to that? Doesn't it say enough about me as a person that I would wish for my wife to miscarry; that I shouldn't subject a child to the failure of me as a parent? Right now I would give anything for me to be infertile but a vasectomy was something my wife wouldn't approve of when I suggested it years ago. I apologize to everyone out there who has difficulty trying to conceive – I’m sure my “curse” would be your blessing.
Re: No way out
Thanks for your reply. I've tried many times to imagine myself as a father, and I just can’t visualize a scenario that ends in a positive experience, either for myself or for this hypothetical child. I try to think of examples I could set for my kid, and can only come up with bad examples. Every mistake and unhappy experience I've ever had comes rushing back to fill in the gaps when I think about what their childhood might be like. Subjecting a child to that just seems unforgivable – not to say that as a blanket statement, but just one about myself as a prospective father.
I can at least say that I took the news without making a scene and shouting for an abortion and all that, but unfortunately my wife took my calm demeanor as acceptance, when inside I was flipping back and forth between depression, denial, and bargaining without pause for the remainder of the day. When we finally did have a conversation about “what we’re gonna do”, I broached the topic of terminating the pregnancy, and was crushed when she seemed to dismiss it without a second thought. I've been on a negative thought spiral ever since, of which have yet to discover the bottom.
I don’t consider myself to be an especially smart person – although I write well, I seldom have much success organizing my thoughts to speak aloud, and don’t consider myself to be much of a conversationalist. I had average grades in school, obtained an associate’s degree that was obsolete before I even graduated, and although I’ve never been fired I had been employed in more jobs than my parent’s combined by the time I was 21. I never found my calling, and I’ve been plagued with the question of “what would be your dream job” my entire life, without ever determining an answer, practical or “pie-in-the-sky”. I have nothing (positive) to offer a child, don’t like them in the first place, and don’t have much faith in having that “aha” moment when first holding my offspring. I just wish that someone else (especially my wife) could see that.
Folks say to take difficult transitions “one day at a time”. Thinking about the short-term, I’m dreading how could make it through telling people about it. I might be able to bluff my way through encounters with coworkers and associates, but my friends and family know me too well, and no amount of forced enthusiasm will be able to hide my dread and opposition to the idea of having kids.
I do want you to know that I value your input, and that I’m not dismissing it or saying you’re wrong. But I know me, better than anyone else, and I feel like for me, being a parent would be a mistake for everyone involved. I wish I could believe the confidence people place in me, and reassurances that “everything will be fine” and that “you’ll be a good dad” – if they could see what I see, and know what I know, I wonder if they’d change their tune?
First...as a mom who has always desperately wanted kids...I don't think there is anything wrong with how you feel about them. My best friend has no desire to have children. It doesn't say anything bad about you as a person.
That being said...here you are. I don't know if my perspective will be helpful to you but I had a couple thoughts while reading your posts. First, you are right...you may not have that "aha" moment when you first hold your child. Some fathers do, some don't. It takes some parents, even ones who planned their pregnancies, weeks or months to bond with their child. Again, that doesn't say anything negative about you as a person.
Babies get older. Children grow up. Try not to think of this as a prison sentence for the rest of your life. It will be a long time, but you can do most things with older children that you can do without them.
Just because you had a crappy childhood doesn't mean you won't be a good father. My husband had a horrible abusive father and he is a great dad.
I wish I had more practical advice for you, but my only advice - to get counseling - you're already doing. If you are planning on staying with your wife, and she insists on having the child, your only option is to try to find the positive. Is there ANYTHING you can look forward to, anything that seems like it will be fun? Do you have any interests or hobbies that you can share with him or her?
I'm not sure how to put this into words exactly (and I'm trying to type fast because I have a class coming) but the fact that you are posting here looking for advice, and your responses to the PPs, tells me you do have some positive qualities to pass on to your child. If that doesn't make sense I'll try to explain more later.
Your marriage sounds supremely unhealthy, without the addition of a child. The fact that you aren't on the same page on finances, children and values makes me question why you're even together. You also don't seem to like your wife that much. You mention the promise you made like it's an obligation, not a choice.
Also, I am very pro-choice and I believe in the rights of all women to make their own reproductive choices, whatever they may be. I'm also very pregnant. Pro-choice =/= termination of all pregnancies. So, cut that out right now. Suggesting that terminating a pregnancy might be the best course of action for your family is a valid discussion for the two of you to have. Your incredulity that she doesn't immediately go for an abortion is not valid. This is clearly a wanted pregnancy for her and in her mind, there is no reason to terminate or consider any other options.
I'm glad you're getting counseling. To say that counselors won't talk to you if you admit to suicidal thoughts, though, is patently untrue. Suicide is a very, very serious concern, yes. But practitioners are able to discern whether someone is truly at risk. If you are, that's a separate conversation. If you aren't, you still have some other mental health issues to work through.
I don't have helpful advice. I wish I did. If you want my honest opinion from your posts - I don't know that your marriage is salvageable or that you should stay in a marriage with a woman you so clearly don't respect. Also, if you so viscerally feel that children are the worst thing ever, having a child won't change that. Be really, really honest with yourself about this. The best course of action may be to end your marriage and give up your parental rights. But only you can decide that, not an online forum of strangers.
While I value all input and I'm glad to hear a variety of different perspectives, I think yours might be a little off the mark. I do very much like my wife. She is the most important person in my life, and while I do view my marriage as a promise, it has never been an obligation (or at least, an unwelcome one). I simply do not believe in divorce as an option that exists for me. I know it works for lots of other folks, and I know several who have remarried and seem happier. But I take the "till death do us part" vow very seriously. I invited my wife into my life, and I am so happy that she decided to join me. I cannot imagine living without her, and losing her has become my worst nightmare.
I do strongly feel that you would benefit from marriage counseling specifically. You don't *have* to do it *with* your spouse. I think that it may be more useful to you in terms if getting concrete advice for things like not feeling heard in your marriage. I don't know what type of counselor you're seeing now, but I leave it for you to consider. It may also be worth using medication temporarily while you work through some of these issues.
You cannot always control what happens, especially not when it comes to others. I do feel it was unfair of your wife to go off birth control. Personally, if women have the right to control their bodies without caveat, so do men. You can, however, control what you do and how you react. If it were me, I would get a vasectomy to avoid this problem occurring a second time. And for right now, you can choose to figure out what it means, objectively, to be a "good" parent and work towards that goal without necessarily concerning yourself with the emotions that are or are not behind it.
Love, more often than not, is an act -something that you do- more than a feeling. Feelings change from minute to minute. Even planned parents aren't immune from feeling negatively towards their children at times. It's how you act and how you respond to them as a human being that counts. Don't distance yourself from it because you think it will spare anyone pain or disappointment.
I have two pieces of big news. The first is that I had a breakthrough with my wife on Friday. I had spent days thinking about how I could revisit the topic of her pregnancy without one (or both) of us throwing up our defenses. I challenged her to do this: to think of at least 2 major problems we would have during the pregnancy or after, problems that she did not know how to deal with. In return, I would think of at least 3 positive things that would come of it, things that I, personally, would look forward to. We met later that night to talk about them, and I think the opportunity to put ourselves in each other’s shoes really did a lot of good. I felt closer to her than I had in a while, and for that night, we were a perfect team, in tune with each other’s doubts and hopes. I even began to feel like I might not be the worst future father to walk the earth.
Later that night, my wife miscarried.
I did everything I could think of to be supportive, while we rushed to confirm what we both already suspected, that the pregnancy was over – we hastily scheduled blood tests and exams, the results of which we learned last night. As you might imagine, she was devastated. You may recall that I had said that I hoped something like this might happen, but I clearly underestimated the emotional aftermath that would follow – and not just hers, but mine too. I feel torn in two directions: relieved that the future I so feared would not come to pass, but a little disappointed too. I had put so much thought and worry into the situation, and all my thoughts on the various problems, situations and possibilities suddenly had nowhere to go. I had been so wrapped up in this troublesome future that its sudden disappearance left me feeling melancholy, and less certain about my convictions concerning fatherhood.
My feelings about having kids still stand, but their foundation is a little shakier than before. For now, I plan to continue counseling, and keep hoping and suggesting that she try it as well, either with or without me. I will do my best to comfort and support her, and when she’s ready we can have that conversation again. Hopefully we will soon be able to stand united, and face a future where the final answer to the question of us having kids will be clear and unambiguous. For my part, if we do decide not to have kids, I plan on following through with getting a vasectomy, 100% certain.
CD 3, FSH of 15, E2 67, AMH 0.43, LH 6.2, normal HSG test
DH good count but low volume, 87% motility, 1% morphology
IUI#1 - Nov 2014, 100 mg clomid and HCG, 2 large follies 20 & 16mm (7 follies total). BFN
IVF# 1 Jan 2014, 225 Gonal F, 225 Menopur, Ganirelix, 4R/3M/1F w/ICSI - PUPO!
From what I understand (and it's not much), a vasectomy, while considered a permanent form of birth control, is actually reversible. So it's possible to change your mind later if you did decide to get one. Obviously check with a doctor first because they will know better.
I agree with PP that it seems a lot of your fears of fatherhood stemmed not only from a dislike of children, but a feeling of your own inadequacies. I hope your continuing counseling will be able to help you with that. I know it's been helpful for me in similar situations.
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. I hope that you and your wife grow closer as a result and are able to make your decisions together, as you say, standing united.
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First I want to say I am sorry for your loss and hope you and your wife are doing fine. When I had my first MC, my DH was by me. we were very excited about having a cjild and after the firat loss, all what I did was to keep counting the months and keep imagining how the baby would look like... When it was the "due date" I couldnt stop crying because I knew I was supposed to be holding a baby. I felt weak and incompetent because of my inability to do that one thing that every woman is supposed to do.
Anyway, I also wanted to tell you about my DH. When his father learned about the pregnancy he suggested my H mother an abortion. He never accepted my H. and until this day yhat feeling never changed. My H. knows it and grew up resenting and hat I ng his father. they dont talk and dont care about each other at all. It is a very sad relationship and his mother pays the price. My little piece of advice is: If you dont want to have kids, really. dont have one. That feeling of yours may not change and you might make your family very unhappy for the rest of all your lives. Maybe it was a good thing what happened so now you have a second chancd to tjink about it and get into an agreement with your wife before you have no other choice.
I don't think you should feel badly for how you feel. You are entitled to your opinion and life choices.
However, one or both of you were in denial when you got married. Having children is a deal breaker. A year after being with my husband I made sure he was still up for kids because he already had two and I wouldn't go further unless we were on the same page.
You can be feet dug in the sand and vocal about it but if your wife is the same, both of you were hoping the other would change their mind. It seems that neither of you have and the one who'll get hurt is the baby who didn't ask to be born.
At this point you will have to make the best of things and be prepared for a failed marriage as this will surely be a source of animus for both of you.
Good luck!
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