How to tell my mom I'm pregnant again.

bizzarebean · November 2014

I'm 23, I have a 3 year that my grandma has custody of because she's a manipulative little...anyways me and DH found out we're expecting and I don't know how to tell my mother. I feel like she's going to think I'm an idiot for continuing the pregnancy even though I'm in this custody battle. I need advice ladies. /: and will being pregnant look bad in court? :-/

Unknown · November 2014

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uromys · November 2014

Well... You should probably tell her. Also I would need a little back story to tell you if it's going to look bad being pregnant in court while you fight for your three year old back.

catladymeow · November 2014

Agreed that if you want your mom to know, you should just tell her. And whether or not it "looks bad" to be pregnant in court really depends on the specifics of your case.

KonaCoffeeBean · November 2014

Yeah, I'm a juvenile law attorney, and I find your description of the situation fishy. It takes an extreme circumstance for a non-parent relative to get custody of a child. Not simply being a "manipulative little." As for how your pregnancy will impact your court proceedings, maybe it will hurt, maybe it won't. It's certainly not going to help. And for your mother... Just tell her, or don't. You're a grown up for crying out loud.

Salsera29 · November 2014

I am not a juvenile law attorney. But since you put it out there, here's my .02...it seems to me that you will have a much better chance of getting your daughter back if you take responsibility for whatever you screwed up instead of playing the victim. And if you hope to keep your second child, you better take a good hard look at yourself and figure out what you need to change.

Whitfry · November 2014

I have worked in child protection. I cannot speak for other states and counties, but I can speak to what I've witnessed.

For a child to be removed from the home, circumstances are typically extreme. There is a lot of state and federal pressure for the reunification of families, so typically the court will do what it can to return a child to their biological parents as soon as it is safe to do so. I cannot speak to your circumstances, because I don't know them. But if the ongoing court case is still determining that your circumstances are unsafe for your child there is no guarantee they will not remove your new child from you as well. I've seen it happen countless times.

Most likely the court has set conditions upon you to earn custody back. I've seen everything from requiring drug tests, job security, housing security, etc to removing bad influences from your life, taking specified parenting classes, and getting counseling. My suggestion would be to work your ass off to prove you actually want your kid back. Between the DHS case worker and the GAL (if one has been appointed) you will have a surprising number of resources at your disposal should you choose to utilize them. Things like clothing and gas vouchers, for example.

The custody process is complex once a child has been removed from their parents. It can get confusing. But I can assure you that your level of willingness and maturity are being monitored by the people who make decisions. So act like a grown-up. Be responsible and forthright. Tell your mother. It's not going to remain a secret for long anyways.

JuneBugMommy627 · November 2014

It's hard to really comment here since we don't know the whole story but I am curious to know what your fear is? If you're working towards getting your child back then it sounds like you may be on a better track than whatever happened to have your Grandma take custody of your DD...Idk

Bottom line is you're an adult and you've made adult decisions to have another child so telling her has to happen at some point.

Alygohome · November 2014

Mom, good news, I have another child for you to raise. Don't worry I will be equally ungrateful for you taking this one and spin it to try and make you look like the bad guy as much as possible.

bizzarebean · November 2014

Okay wow. Seems like some, most of you have the wrong idea of what is happening.

I did not leave my child for my grandmother to raise, I see her everyday, I pay 100% of my child support on time and give her extra money. I wasnt aware that I would have to completely tell all of you guys a story that breaks my heart so I wouldn't be attacked online. I thought we could be adults and just offer some friendly advice, no? Okay.

I was 19 when I got pregnant, had my daughter at 20. Her father died 3 months after she was born in a motorcycle accident. I had severe
postpartum depression and combining his death with that made everything worse. I stopped taking care of myself and couldn't get out of bed so I was put into psychiatric care. During my stay my grandmother had temporary custody of my daughter but after I got out and was 150 times better she took me to court and everything went downhill. No one in my family ever forgave her and three years later I'm still trying to win this battle against her.

So thanks everyone for not helping and being completely rude for no reason. Happy holidays.

Unknown · November 2014

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bizzarebean · November 2014

Wasn't assuming that people would automatically know my life story. But I was hoping that I wouldn't be atom
bombed with judgement. Guess I'll know better for next time huh?

PrimRoseMama · November 2014

bizzarebean said:
Okay wow. Seems like some, most of you have the wrong idea of what is happening.

I did not leave my child for my grandmother to raise, I see her everyday, I pay 100% of my child support on time and give her extra money. I wasnt aware that I would have to completely tell all of you guys a story that breaks my heart so I wouldn't be attacked online. I thought we could be adults and just offer some friendly advice, no? Okay.

I was 19 when I got pregnant, had my daughter at 20. Her father died 3 months after she was born in a motorcycle accident. I had severe
postpartum depression and combining his death with that made everything worse. I stopped taking care of myself and couldn't get out of bed so I was put into psychiatric care. During my stay my grandmother had temporary custody of my daughter but after I got out and was 150 times better she took me to court and everything went downhill. No one in my family ever forgave her and three years later I'm still trying to win this battle against her.

So thanks everyone for not helping and being completely rude for no reason. Happy holidays.

I'm sorry for what you've been through, but I feel like there is much you are leaving out. I've known plenty of women who've suffered severe PPD. CPS doesn't just take your kids because you have PPD. There has to be neglect, abuse or other severe issues.

bizzarebean · November 2014

CPS was not involved in any way. The initial temporary custody was a mutual decision. When we were going to go back and change it to where I had sole custody again my grandmother served me on account that I was going to move out of state.

PrimRoseMama · November 2014

bizzarebean said:
CPS was not involved in any way. The initial temporary custody was a mutual decision. When we were going to go back and change it to where I had sole custody again my grandmother served me on account that I was going to move out of state.

So spell it out for me like I'm Five? Seriously, how does your grandmother get legal custody of your daughter without involving the state or children's services? In order to be rewarded with custody there would have to be some sort of evaluation of your living situation, care-taking abilities & such. No judge that I've seen just takes some old lady's word that you stink & are neglecting your kid enough to award custody to another person. That's what doesn't make sense.

Also, yes, I think it might look less than ideal that you are pregnant again. Are you with the father? What is your currently living situation?

I'm only asking because if a judge saw fit to take your first kid away-- how much has changed in your situation so that the second can remain with you?

Money is great. I commend you fulfilling your financial obligations for your daughter. However, it's not the same as every day/every night parenting. Seeing your daughter for a couple of hours a day is not the same as full-time parenting.

Amstreagle · November 2014

Maybe try contraception if you aren't prepared for another child or can't fathom telling your own mother you're pregnant. I know contraceptives can fail but this doesn't seem to be the case......

Whitfry · November 2014

bizzarebean said:
CPS was not involved in any way. The initial temporary custody was a mutual decision. When we were going to go back and change it to where I had sole custody again my grandmother served me on account that I was going to move out of state.

Sorry you're going through a rough patch. Sorry you're upset we took what you told us and ran with it.

That being said, if your above statement is true there is still a lot of info you aren't sharing. That's fine. It's none of our business. However The way you're describing it simply doesn't work. As in the system doesn't function like that. Gma can't just have you "served" because you're moving out of state. There would be lawyers. And an appearance before a judge. And reports being filed. There would be a reason the ruling didn't go in your favor.

I don't need to know what the reason is. I don't really care. But you're trying to represent yourself in a very specific light, and you ought to be aware that it's not working out so well for you.

In regards to the question about your mom, you've gotten plenty of advice. Why would you even mention custody issues if you don't want people to comment on them? Have you read any threads here ever? We comment on everything. Every. Fucking. Thing. That's how it works at TB.

momthatlifts · November 2014

I'm sorry you had ppd. I struggled deeply with it and had to quit breastfeeding around 4 months to get on meds after I started having suicidal thoughts. I couldn't imagine losing my husband (or baby's dad) and dealing with ppd. Sorry you had to deal with all of that. I feel for you.

That being said, no one attacked you. Judging by your original post I was actually very surprised at how held back some of the OP were because I was even thinking there must be something very wrong here that you haven't told us. It's very helpful to know the full story so we can give you the proper advice. I don't think you will look bad in court. You're pregnant, not high on meth. Relax. And just tell your mom. You will have to sooner or later so just get it over with. Put on your big girl panties and tell her. Good luck

Trampslikeus · November 2014

If your grandmother hadn't been willing to care for your daughter, she'd have ended up in foster care. I think your post would have been received very differently if you didn't start off by calling the woman who voluntarily took care of your baby while you were hospitalized "a manipulative little..."

There is no way, at least in the United States, that your grandmother has legal custody without DCFS being involved. Whatever court dealt with the custody proceedings would have needed to involve them. So either you're confused or not being entirely honest. Having experienced this process myself with a patient who I reported for acute neglect - and is still with the mother, I know first hand how hard it is for a mother to lose custody - so we're not hearing the whole story here.

That says to me (us), that you have not taken accountability for what happened. PPD is not your fault. Your boyfriend dying is not your fault. Both are tragic and you deserve empathy and a chance to rebuild your life, but that doesn't mean you have no accountability for what led up to losing custody of your daughter.

I hope that you tell your mother immediately so that she, or another loved one, is able to monitor you for signs of mental illness during and after this pregnancy so that you do not end up in the same situation again.

best of luck.

ginger1228 · November 2014

Not trying to WK, but the pp isn't true. Where I live CPS doesn't get involved in custody disputes. Only if there are reports of abuse or neglect. Gma could have hired an attorney and went that route. CPS would not have interfered.

KonaCoffeeBean · November 2014

Trampslikeus said:

If your grandmother hadn't been willing to care for your daughter, she'd have ended up in foster care. I think your post would have been received very differently if you didn't start off by calling the woman who voluntarily took care of your baby while you were hospitalized "a manipulative little..."

There is no way, at least in the United States, that your grandmother has legal custody without DCFS being involved. Whatever court dealt with the custody proceedings would have needed to involve them. So either you're confused or not being entirely honest. Having experienced this process myself with a patient who I reported for acute neglect - and is still with the mother, I know first hand how hard it is for a mother to lose custody - so we're not hearing the whole story here.

That says to me (us), that you have not taken accountability for what happened. PPD is not your fault. Your boyfriend dying is not your fault. Both are tragic and you deserve empathy and a chance to rebuild your life, but that doesn't mean you have no accountability for what led up to losing custody of your daughter.

I hope that you tell your mother immediately so that she, or another loved one, is able to monitor you for signs of mental illness during and after this pregnancy so that you do not end up in the same situation again.

best of luck.

This is actually not true. A properly executed domestic relations action can obviate the need for social services involvement in cases of neglect such as this. However, the court still needs to assess the same information, and address a specific legal standard that places a very high priority of maintaining a child in the custody of a parent. As I said before, and many posters have pointed out, long-term custody with a non-relative does not happen absent an extreme--typically dangerous--circumstance. And @Trampslikeus made an excellent point, when a baby is neglected, either safe and appropriate relatives step in, or the child is placed in foster care. OP, I think the more appropriate feeling to have towards your grandmother is gratitude.

Trampslikeus · November 2014

@konacoffeebean - not doubting you at all, but asking for clarification - I was under the impression regardless of the custody arrangement, even if it wasn't disputed, if a minor was involved in suspected neglect/abuse, DCFS needed to have a file on it regardless? Or at least thats how it was handled with the case I was subpoenaed on here in Mass.

Whitfry · November 2014

Trampslikeus said:
@konacoffeebean - not doubting you at all, but asking for clarification - I was under the impression regardless of the custody arrangement, even if it wasn't disputed, if a minor was involved in suspected neglect/abuse, DCFS needed to have a file on it regardless? Or at least thats how it was handled with the case I was subpoenaed on here in Mass.

If it was a voluntary surrender it would not have required a report of abuse/neglect, and therefore CPS would have no need to investigate or be involved. However for a legal order of temp custody to be issued, family court would most definitely be involved. And for the child to not be returned to its biological parent there would be lawyers, documents, reports, judges, and hearings.

KonaCoffeeBean · November 2014

@Whitfry‌ has it exactly right. Court process must be involved, but not necessarily social services if the temporary intra-family custody arrangement is voluntary.

PrimRoseMama · November 2014

I mean, the details do matter if the OP is asking if she will "look bad" to the judge in court? If we don't know the whole truth then we can't accurately tell her if it will look bad?

I do know that if she even gives a hint of the attitude she have to us, to the judge, that she will look bad.

I still can't fathom calling a family member an ugly name when that family member voluntarily took on custody, care & support of my daughter when I could not. Keeping my child out of the system would be a priority to me. It is really poor form to shit where you sleep or bite the hand that feeds, there OP.

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