Can I join (I hope)? Long intro (other's pg mentioned)

welly01 · November 2014

Hi, I'm from TTCAL but this morning I just needed a place to talk about dealing with loss while having a LC. I'm not sure I fit the profile of this board, but I'm hoping you'll have me anyway. DS just turned 2 this month. We started TFAS in May and I've had 2 losses since. My latest one was discovered on 10/2 and we've finally been cleared this week.

I've been having good and bad days, as expected, but yesterday and today have been bad days. I'm trying so hard to get in the holiday mood but its just not happening. At this point, I just want to crawl into a cave until New Year's. I'm feeling really guilty that I'm starting to let my mood affect how I treat DS. I was so short with him this morning. I just don't know how I'll be able to act happy and cheery, especially for Christmas. Also, one of our most favorite daycare teachers gave her notice this week and I ran into her at school this morning. I totally lost it. I'm so sad that she's leaving. She was with DS in the nursery and was his main teacher for over a year. She's also the only one at school that I told about my pregnancy and then loss. I had so hoped to have another baby in her nursery next year.

****other's pregnancy mentioned****** (Are these warnings needed here?)

DH and I got into a fight last night. My SIL is pregnant and due 2 days after we would have been. Its been extremely hard, to say the least. She still hasn't announced, even though she's 16 weeks. She doesn't know that BIL has already told us. They know about our loss. I have no idea if that is affecting her wanting to announce...I just don't know. But I want to get it over with. I feel like I will owe her some explanation why I can't act over-the-moon happy for her (even though we are SO happy they are having kids). I asked DH to check with his brother to see if they are going to be at Thanksgiving so I can prepare myself. (She will absolutely be showing and I don't know how she expects to hide it. Her current plan? To stand the entire time because you can't really tell when she's standing...!). He also mentioned that they may tell us first, separately maybe at Thanksgiving. I absolutely do not want that. I'd rather she announce to the whole room so I can sneak out the back or do a FB announcement or something. I asked DH if he would care if I just stayed home (its his family's Thanksgiving). Then he asked when I'm going to stop being mad at them for getting pregnant. I told him that I'm absolutely not mad. I'm just having trouble processing my own feelings. The thought of having to face her literally makes me sick to my stomach. It hurts so much that DH just doesn't get it. If he's feeling any loss or grief, he's pushing those feelings down as hard as he can. His attitude is that it sucks, we can't do anything about it, lets move on.

I want to move on from this so much. I hate feeling like this. I don't even know how to begin to explain to DH how I'm feeling. I'm not even sure I can articulate how I'm feeling. I've realized that now, for the rest of my life, there will be a child in my family that will remind me of my loss all the time. So I need to suck it up really hard and learn how to deal with it like ASAP.

Thank you all for listening. Here are some yummy treats and drinks for you if you made it this far.

incir · November 2014

Welcome! This is certainly a good place for you to post.

I am so sorry for your losses. I know that processing all of this is so difficult and its hard not to take it out on those around you. If your family knows about your loss then I hope that they can be understanding that this isn't the best time of your life and you might not be your regular cheery self. I don't know what to say about your SIL. I hope that your husband is able to talk to his brother about what would be kindest for you but unfortunately I think you will have to be expecting the worst.

And in the future as your grief becomes less immediate maybe you will be able to reframe your niece or nephew less as a reminder of loss and more of a reminder of the baby you loved, even if you did lose them too soon.

welly01 · November 2014

@incir, thank you. I think the worst part might be the anticipation of seeing her, you know? Once I see her, maybe it won't be as bad as I'm expecting it to be. Either way, its not going to kill me. I definitely need to think of her baby as something different than a reminder of my loss. I wish I could forget what my due date was.

mara005 · November 2014

Welcome to the board, I'm sorry for your losses.

Unknown · November 2014

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NB817 · November 2014

Welcome! I think this is the right place for you. Sorry for your losses. HUGS!

emsmama15 · November 2014

Welcome. I'm so sorry for your losses and the struggles you are currently having. Hugs!

WLJ2 · November 2014

Welcome! I'm sorry for your lossss. I don't have any advice but I wish you the best for thanksgiving.

welly01 · November 2014

@lemonblossom3, she doesn't want anyone to know she's pregnant. BIL wasn't supposed to tell DH so he'll get in trouble if she finds out he told. I don't care when or how she announces but I don't want her to pull us aside and tell us individually.

I had a long talk with DH tonight and I'm feeling better. I guess we'll go to thanksgiving and just deal with whatever happens. She's not planning to announce though, she's trying to make it past Christmas. I just don't think she'll be able to hide it.

schuebja · November 2014

I'm so sorry for your losses. Welcome to the board.

Millimeter · November 2014

Welcome! I'm sorry abut your losses.

We found out we were pregnant after 2.5 years of trying but lost that baby soon after finding out. My SIL was due just a few days away from my due date.

I took it very hard--I couldn't bring myself to be around SIL. My MIL let us know she was pregnant before she shared the news with everyone since she knew we were going through treatments. We didn't go to Thanksgiving that year. Some may think this was extreme, but it was what I needed to do. MIL told my SIL what happened and why we weren't there.

Do whatever you need to do for you. Men don't understand what it is like to suffer a loss. It is a deeper loss to us since we develop such a close bond to our children the moment we find out we are pregnant.

roselynnerm · November 2014

Welcome to the board. I am sorry for your losses. I too have a pregnant SIL, due right around Christmas. We were due in late October, so it's not quite the same situation. She was very kind in announcing via a text message.. she told me that she was finding it very hard to tell me the news because of our struggles. I couldn't have asked for a better way to be told. I had my privacy to have a moment of grief and cry, but then when I was able to put that aside, I could share that although it will always sting a little, I was genuinely happy that she was able to have another baby (she also had been trying for some time with no luck).

The fact that your SIL is taking some time to think about how to announce, and is considering how you might feel is a good thing, I think. Can your DH help them along by just saying to them "we know, yes it hurts a little, but she is really happy for you" or something along those lines? Would that be inappropriate? I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope that when you meet their little guy/girl, it helps mend the wound of your loss. At least that's what I'm hoping for myself.

<<weird internet stranger hugs>>

brownshuga1432 · November 2014

First I would like to say I am sorry for your loss. This is a hard pain to deal with. I also came from the TTC after a loss board but found it hard to be there especially that I was hurting others by talking about my LO. My son is 3 years old and lost my 2nd son at 61/2 months pregnant in April. I had my coworker who sits directly next me pregnant and due a month after me. I also had about 4 more people close to my family or in-law family due just this year. So I totally hear you and your feelings.

I didn't want to take any of their joy of their pregnancy away but it hurts knowing that my Nathaniel would have been the oldest of the bunch. I really don't know what else to say. I have been trying also the past two months and nothing has happened. I try to hide my disappointment every month.

My DH had the same attitude as yours but I am a talk you to death person and finally got out that he just wants to deal with his feelings his way and I am allowed to talk to him about mine. I don't know if that helps. Men will be men and I cant make it sound any better than that.

I don't know if anything that I said makes you feel better but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. Take your time, take cleansing breaths, remove yourself when needed and don't be afraid to speak up about how you feel.

Reagan1010 · November 2014

Welcome to the board! I'm so sorry for your loss! Please know that your feelings are ok to have! Be kind to yourself! Everyone grieves differently.

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Can I join (I hope)? Long intro (other's pg mentioned)

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