I know this is probably a totally different topic. But I need some advice, from people that don't know me. I need advice from people that may know what I am going through as well, even if every situation and couple are different.
I've suffered from depression for a long time, it runs in my family and hits us really hard. But now with being a new mother to be and all these new hormones I am on sensory overload. My now-fiancé which I am having second thoughts about or at least putting it on hold for a couple years instead of getting married next year, have been together for 5 months on the 27th. So yes, we moved super fast, way fast, and at the moment it didn't really register with me. My grandparents were this way - even if it is an older generation, and times change. In the 5 months we've been together my partner has had 4 odd jobs, I used to feel safe, I just don't feel secure. I am the only one who works, even with constantly being sick, and tired, and still losing weight because I just cant keep anything down - even water, with my anti nausea meds. Since for some reason they decided to stop working. Even when he does work, when he gets a new job he will work a few days and then call in because he's tired. Yet I feel like shit, I'm tired, but I go to work five days a week for 10 hours, because I live on my own, I have my rent, and my bills and this baby to think about instead of just myself. I'm not into having sex right now, but its because a mix of not feeling good, no sex drive, and trying to resist the urge to cringe when my fiancé touches me. I'm even almost to the point of not being able to stand hearing his voice, or looking at him, But he doesn't even respect how I feel about not wanting sex right now, when I try to sleep or in the middle of sleeping ill wake up and hes feeling me up and ill move his hand away and or tell him no, and another five minutes he does it again and he blames it on him doing it while he's sleeping. But the other night he woke me up at 3 in the morning for sex, and I had to fight so hard not to cry because the feeling of him touching me.... it was so overwhelming - the feeling of revulsion.
I want so bad to do what is best for my family. And for my baby, But I don't feel like my heart is in it at all with my partner anymore But since this is such new territory for me, I don't know if that's my hormones speaking, or if that's how I really truly feel. And if it is how I really feel, I don't want it getting worse. Because now its not just the two of us, its three of us, and the most important part is this baby. If I am this way now, I don't want it to get worse to the point I cant stand him, I want to be able to get a long even if we don't work out as a couple. But we gave eachother the most amazin gift ever, and getting along at least for this childs sake, isn't that more important than staying together and being a ticking time bomb??
Help,, any advice. Please