Any advice depression and first time moms — The Bump
2nd Trimester

Any advice depression and first time moms

I know this is probably a totally different topic. But I need some advice, from people that don't know me. I need advice from people that may know what I am going through as well, even if every situation and couple are different.


I've suffered from depression for a long time, it runs in my family and hits us really hard. But now with being a new mother to be and all these new hormones I am on sensory overload. My now-fiancé which I am having second thoughts about or at least putting it on hold for a couple years instead of getting married next year, have been together for 5 months on the 27th. So yes, we moved super fast, way fast, and at the moment it didn't really register with me. My grandparents were this way - even if it is an older generation, and times change. In the 5 months we've been together my partner has had 4 odd jobs, I used to feel safe, I just don't feel secure. I am the only one who works, even with constantly being sick, and tired, and still losing weight because I just cant keep anything down - even water, with my anti nausea meds. Since for some reason they decided to stop working. Even when he does work, when he gets a new job he will work a few days and then call in because he's tired. Yet I feel like shit, I'm tired, but I go to work five days a week for 10 hours, because I live on my own, I have my rent, and my bills and this baby to think about instead of just myself.  I'm not into having sex right now, but its because a mix of not feeling good, no sex drive, and trying to resist the urge to cringe when my fiancé touches me. I'm even almost to the point of not being able to stand hearing his voice, or looking at him, But he doesn't even respect how I feel about not wanting sex right now, when I try to sleep or in the middle of sleeping ill wake up and hes feeling me up and ill move his hand away and or tell him no, and another five minutes he does it again and he blames it on him doing it while he's sleeping. But the other night he woke me up at 3 in the morning for sex, and I had to fight so hard not to cry because the feeling of him touching me.... it was so overwhelming -  the feeling of revulsion.

I want so bad to do what is best for my family. And for my baby, But I don't feel like my heart is in it at all with my partner anymore But since this is such new territory for me, I don't know if that's my hormones speaking, or if that's how I really truly feel. And if it is how I really feel, I don't want it getting worse. Because now its not just the two of us, its three of us, and the most important part is this baby. If I am this way now, I don't want it to get worse to the point I cant stand him, I want to be able to get a long even if we don't work out as a couple. But we gave eachother the most amazin gift ever, and getting along at least for this childs sake, isn't that more important than staying together and being a ticking time bomb??


Help,, any advice. Please

 

Re: Any advice depression and first time moms

  • I can see where my post totally sounded like that. But i wasn't trying to imply that him not being able to provide well is partly reason to my depression. Because that's not it. I'm depressed before that, and I guess at first it was an excuse. Because I didn't want to see the real reasons why I was so upset. To me it feels like he isn't trying, because he's not. He will have a job for two weeks, then leave. Call in because he's tired. Spend money he doesn't have and not help me with trying to save for when the baby comes. And I guess it's the fact that even when he has some way he's brining in money, but he knows it isn't permanent he spends on luxury items, and then he complains that he doesn't have even $45 to pay his phone bill. His daddy pays his phone bill even when he has the money, and he lives with him. But he would rather ride his dirt bike or spend every waking hour with friends, or on the computer. I get that in life you still need fun. But I feel like I am doing everything on my own. He's a good guy, and i know he's excited for the baby. or at least puts off that he is, and i understand guys take longer for it to actually hit them that they are having a baby. I guess I just want him to grow up at least a little bit. I don't have time for a lot of free time, and i don't have the money to spend on what i want. I work a job that barely gets me by on my own, I know i could support my baby, but i cant support a grown man who has the full capacity to get a job but is too lazy to either look for one, or stick with it. Or quits one thing within a few weeks without giving it a real chance, or having a back up plan.


    I honestly don't know if it is the hormones or my depression. Maybe its my depression and the hormones are just heightening it. Or what. What I do know, is I talked to him about how i feel and he shut down everything i said. Brought his parents into it to make me look like the bad one. Which i felt like needed to just be between us. Im posting on here because i don't really have friends. And i wanted advice from someone that didn't know me. I just know that i worried so much about him being able to support his child, that it hit me that its still early enough to walk away, that all i have to worry about it if i can support myself and my child. And if he wants to be there for our baby then so be it. I wont be the woman to keep a child away from their father. Because even though it probably seems like it A LOT. I'm really not trying to bash on him. 

    I know I thought I loved him at the beginning, but I think it was me forcing it. Because I was going through so much it was what I made myself believe I wanted it. I just don't want to stay and end up hating him because of myself, and not being able to get along with him. I want to get along with him, so that we can be civil for our child. I just know I'm not happy with where I am at. Having his father try to move in with me. When he has a felony charge and i could get in trouble for having him live with me, let alone he has no way to help pay for anything. I can hardly afford food at the end of the month, and he seems to always be eating my food even though he's hardly there.


    I'm not saying im perfect. Because CLEARLY I have my own problems. And a partner should be able to accept their other flaws and all, but when you bring another into the equation, the whole thing changes. It's harder to leave when your partner is manipulative in his own little ways. Even if I do live with depression, I don't have to let it consume me. And right now, that's exactly what's happening.

       

  • I have struggled with depression for many years and I hear what you are saying. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's hormones/depression or my real feelings. I keep a journal and look for patterns. For instance, if I am having a weird depressive mood when I write, I can look back on it later and see that it was a mood and I no longer feel that way. On the other hand, if I see that I've mentioned something a lot, that let's me know it is probably a "real" issue. That could be an option. As far as the fiancé goes, that doesn't sound like a good situation. Especially not respecting you when you say no to sex. You need someone to be your teammate, not someone else to support. That's just my opinion. I agree with the PP. Take a break and see how it goes. You may realize you want to make it work or that it's over. As a child of divorce, I can tell you that for me, I liked my parents a lot more apart than together. If it's not right, it's not right. Good luck.
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  • I struggled with depression and was on medication for 6 years. I got off my medication when we started trying to get pregnant. I do believe that depression can be a chemical imbalance. I also believe that depression can be heavily influenced by your surroundings. Right now you are in a situation where you are unfamiliar and that can lead to you not feeling secure. Forgive me if any of this sounds...forward... but you are having a baby with a man that you've known for 5 months, which is a relatively short amount of time, and you are doing the responsible thing....thinking of the future! Which is something that ANY GOOD MOM-TO-BE would be doing.

    My mother always told me that you shoudn't look for the person want to be with....look for the person that you can't be without. Maybe you need to take a step back from the relationship and collect yourself again. It sounds like a lot of your "unhappiness" which may or may not be causing your depression, is coming from issues with your fiancé. Before you can behappy with anyone else, you have to be happy with yourself. If you're happy with yourself and work on yourself, that will be the best thing that you can do for your baby!

    I wish you luck! And remember that being without a man doesn't make you weak...staying with what weighs you down will though.


     

  • You should get in to see a doctor about your depression as soon as possible. You should have a serious sit down with your SO. Tell him how you are feeling, your concerns, etc and then keep it moving. He needs to grow the hell up but, you can't make him do what he doesn't want to. You may want to get comfortable with the idea of being a single parent. Please know that that is not always a bad thing.
  • I have read everything you wrote and still can't get past how you described him forcing himself on you in your sleep. That made me want to throw up. A good partner knows limits, and your body is yours to control. That is just so sick and is definitely sexual abuse. As far as him using the fact he is sleeping as an excuse - that doesn't even make sense. Once you wake up and realize he is also awake and he continues doing it... obviously he is not asleep and knows you don't want to be touched. 

    There is clinical depression, and then there are really shitty life situations that make you feel depressed. It's possible that both are going on here. You should see a therapist as soon as possible to have someone to really talk to about this. Couples counseling would be a good idea as well, and he can't bring his parents! 

    You make a whole lot of excuses for him and seem really reserved when criticizing him. You said that you get that everyone needs fun in their life as an excuse for a grown man living with his parents spending all of his time riding dirt bikes. You said that it takes longer for men to accept that a baby is on the way which is just a stereotype and not at all true. Not all men are like this man, I can guarantee you! If they were, I would definitely be single. The main thing is you need to define what your standards are and stick to them, no excuses. Don't you feel you deserve better than how he is treating you?

    Like others mentioned, sometimes it is just not meant to work out. My parents divorced when I was less than a year old and I am so thankful. Growing up with both of them in the same house would have been really awful - they were like oil and water. Only you can make that decision though and I really do recommend you seek professional help as soon as possible. I'll be thinking of you :) 
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • Don't stay for what you hope someone can be, stay for who they are. Never enter a relationship hoping to change someone ... good luck <3
    Pregnancy Ticker

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  • You don't need to stay with your FI to be amicable. If you don't love him and don't want to be with him don't feel pressure to stick with it because it's "best" for the baby. I guarantee you it's not best for your baby to grow up in a household where his/her parents fight all the time. I would definitely see a psychologist and see if there is something they can do to help but it sounds like your main triggers involve your FI.
    I have depression/anxiety issues that are pretty severe as well but it never made me repulsed or unhappy with that person. Good luck with everything and I hope it gets better ;)
  • I spoke with my babies daddy yesterday, and told him everything about how I felt, and that I couldn't do it, his parents know, because in a way even if it should of been something between us, I wanted to make sure they could talk to him and help him to not do anything stupid to hurt himself. The talking and letting him know how I felt was the hardest part, but it needed to be done, because I know staying together for the baby when im not happy and im depressed and don't feel my heart is in it, is not the best thing. And I know I cant be the best I can be for our child with my depression. His family is amazing and they love me, and I think that's what made it harder because I  didn't want them to think bad of me. But I know it doesn't work that way. And I have my parents to thank for that, I watched two people who became so unhealthy together because their hearts weren't in it, and in the end they could hardly speak to each other. And I don't want that for our child. Even if we aren't together, we can both still be there for this baby. And what's better, is we have the chance to get along. Its going to be hard for a little while I know, being a single mom isn't something I wanted. And him a single dad? I know its definitely not what he wanted. He wanted a family. And though we gave each other this amazing and beautiful gift, there's nothing more there. Thank you again ladies, I know I should talk to a professional but I've done that before, and it makes me feel claustrophobic, its always been easier for me to talk to strangers, that aren't listening to me for a paycheck. I feel like talking to a professional, is like im being graded on my feelings, and I don't want that.

    [Deleted User]yvanehtniojombradellarosa
  • I spoke with my babies daddy yesterday, and told him everything about how I felt, and that I couldn't do it, his parents know, because in a way even if it should of been something between us, I wanted to make sure they could talk to him and help him to not do anything stupid to hurt himself. The talking and letting him know how I felt was the hardest part, but it needed to be done, because I know staying together for the baby when im not happy and im depressed and don't feel my heart is in it, is not the best thing. And I know I cant be the best I can be for our child with my depression. His family is amazing and they love me, and I think that's what made it harder because I  didn't want them to think bad of me. But I know it doesn't work that way. And I have my parents to thank for that, I watched two people who became so unhealthy together because their hearts weren't in it, and in the end they could hardly speak to each other. And I don't want that for our child. Even if we aren't together, we can both still be there for this baby. And what's better, is we have the chance to get along. Its going to be hard for a little while I know, being a single mom isn't something I wanted. And him a single dad? I know its definitely not what he wanted. He wanted a family. And though we gave each other this amazing and beautiful gift, there's nothing more there. Thank you again ladies, I know I should talk to a professional but I've done that before, and it makes me feel claustrophobic, its always been easier for me to talk to strangers, that aren't listening to me for a paycheck. I feel like talking to a professional, is like im being graded on my feelings, and I don't want that.

    Therapist are like shoes.  There is nothing wrong with trying on a few until you find the right fit.  Just an FYI from someone who understands what you're talking about.  GL 
    LoveTheRaymondsombradellarosa
  • My advice was to run away from that horrid relationship. No good to be supporting a grown ass man with his baby on the way, who cant let you sleep without trying for sex.But you did! :-) Good job. Yes you can get along for the baby without staying together and moving anyone else I to care for.... smart lady- you are gonna be okay ;-)
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • Thank you ladies for all your supportive comments and advice.<3

  • good job on taking control!

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    H e n r y  May 21, 2014

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  • I have to say I'm really glad you that you made your decision when you did.  My BFF just went through almost the exact situation.  She was with her ex-boyfriend for 8 years.  A little about my bestie.  She is 36 has a masters in Social work and has an amazing job.  Owns her own home, has a great family, and is and extremly hard worker who makes very good money.  A little about her ex.  He is 35 with a 13 year old son (whom my bestie supported since he was 5), has odd end jobs here and there, and always spends money he never has.  He proposed to her 2 years ago.  She knew that he had issues and was always pissed off at him but she said yes because she thought it was the right thing to do.  She plans a wedding.  3 months before the wedding she finds out that he paid for her engagement ring with a credit card that he opened in her name without her knowing! She didn't leave him, she just postponed the wedding.  Again because she felt she had to stay with them because of all their history and she was raising his son with him.  He said he would change like they always do.  The final straw was 2 months ago when he totaled her car speeding.  She wasted 8 years of her life with him because she felt it was the right thing to do.  She's happier now than I've seen in a long time.  She's just sad that she feels like she could have had a different life if she had just listened to herself 7 years ago when she was 29.  You made the right choice.  Being a single mom is tough but wasting your life with someone who will never change is far worse. Good Luck!  
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