OOH births - how are you handling visits?

jennypolkadots · November 2014

Hoping to get some feedback from some of you who have had an out of hospital birth or didn't allow visitors at the hospital. I have always gone to visit babies when they are still in the hospital, then given the new mom some space for the first few weeks at home unless she needed any help. However, after our OOH birth we should be home within 6 hours if everything goes well. Everyone on both sides of our families want to meet the baby soon after birth, and I am wondering how to handle this. I'm thinking I can have them wait a day or so, but not much more than that without hurt feelings.

I don't want a bunch of people at my house spreading germs in early February (flu season). We have two nurses and several small children in the family that are known for bringing bugs around. I also don't want the stress of having tons of people around, my pets going nuts, cleaning the house, etc. But on the other hand, I also don't love the idea of taking the baby to someone else's house within the first few days. If we did it at someone else's house we would also need to go several different places as we have essentially 3 sides (DH, my mom's side, my dad's side). I'm trying to come up with a solution to still have our wishes honored while preserving people's feelings and limiting the drama.

Also any advice on how to kindly explain that we don't want our children's pictures shared on social media? And that we don't want everyone holding the baby? And how to keep people from just dropping by or overstaying their welcome? We feel like the birth of our first child is a really intimate experience and want to relish those first few days without a bunch of commotion. Thanks!

sarasarat · November 2014

Do what you want. Seriously, just nicely tell people "hey we want to take a few days to enjoy this time as a new family and we'd love to see you next week. I'm sure you understand". And if they don't understand, it's their problem, not yours. And then as soon as they see the baby they will get over it

Mama-Bear · November 2014

Could you have a "meet the baby" party? I'm thinking when you're ready, a week or so after birth invite everyone over on the same day, at the same time, for just a few hours. I'm thinking that would help to get the visiting done and over with, and everyone would leave around the same time (no hinting that it's getting late and time for bed). Make sure everyone washes their hands as soon as they come in the house and ask people not to touch baby's face (to help with germs). I would also just bring the social media subject up in conversation. Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming birth.

jennypolkadots · November 2014

Thanks! There is an extra layer there that is making me nervous. My MIL took a travel nurse job and will be coming back mid January and staying until after the baby is born. I get the feeling she is going to want to be around A LOT in the first weeks. I love her and all, but she stresses me out big time. DH is taking off work for two weeks. After that I'll ask for help if I need it but I'm worried people will just show up and try to "help" but really just stress me out.

Ideally, we would just sent a picture and some info after the birth, and then tell everyone they could come by several days to a week afterwards. But I see a lot of people in his family being really butt hurt about that. I don't want other people's feelings to be why we do things, but I also just want to limit the drama that I can already see coming.

When I was 14 weeks pregnant my husband mentioned that we didn't want people to hold the baby for the first few weeks because of germs and bonding. His mom screamed, cried, and told him he didn't love her. We were clear that we had no idea what we were doing yet, it was just a thought. She then told his whole family we aren't letting anyone see the baby for 6 months which was such an over dramatization it was crazy. So that's where I'm coming from with the drama, I just don't want any part of it and a few people in his family are known to make mountains out of the tiniest mole hills.

soulcupcake · November 2014

My closest relatives (dad and stepmom) live 70 miles away, and they aren't the type of people to visit unannounced. However, DH's parents live 45 minutes away, and I know MIL will be itching to come by. But I'll want a few days where it's just us and the kids. If baby is still cooking come early December then my mom will be in town, which we've planned for. I don't plan on going anywhere, visiting anyone, during the early postpartum weeks. I prefer to hibernate with my new baby and adjust.

JCWhitey · November 2014

If you are EFB, which I believe you said you are planning to, you don't need to worry quite as much about germs and whatnot. The baby will have your immunity and actually be pretty hardy. I see no problem with letting grandparents hold the baby. In the beginning it was a relief to be able to pass him off to my mom so I could shower and go to the bathroom (which are both rather extended processes the first few days after giving birth).

I understand not wanting people to come over, though. I didn't experience that at all as people generally called ahead of time or just didn't even think to come over. We didn't have any unannounced visitors so that's not common among our friends/family so it wasn't something I stressed over. I did have a few visitors in the hospital, but none stayed very long.

As for people meeting the baby, maybe have a brunch or family gathering at someone else's house at some point? My aunt and uncle just so happened to have an anniversary party when DS was 3 weeks old so we brought him and everyone met him then. To be honest we only had a very small handful of people ask to hold him, most people just weren't that interested in holding him. Looking at him and cooing him, sure, but not holding. You may find that outside of the grandparents that's not as much of an issue as you think it's going to be. I mean, I love babies, too, but never had the urge to hold someone's NB. Too small for me.

And as for social media, just tell people and keep telling them. My cousin's husband has a crazy ex-wife and they don't want her knowing what their daughter looks like, so they don't allow any pictures on social media. Whenever someone takes a cell phone picture of her daughter she'll remind them not to post it to Facebook. She also from time to time posts reminders of her Facebook wall. Everyone is super understanding and respectful of that.

jennypolkadots · November 2014

Thanks everyone, so glad to see I'm not the only one not wanting bunches of guests right after the birth!

I should clarify - we absolutely plan to have our parents and grandparents hold the baby. We look forward to seeing them bond, I would never want to take that from them. When I was barely in the 2nd trimester we were still trying to figure out how we felt and how visitation would work, and DH and weary about his mom holding the baby because she is a heavy smoker and works in the ER. He couldn't tell her the real reasons of course so he just said that we are thinking of just us holding the baby at first. That is when she totally flipped shit and told everyone we won't let anyone see the baby for months. It was so weird and this is the type of drama I'm trying to avoid. He liked the idea of just him holding the baby and everyone else can gather closely to see, but I realize this is unrealistic and have gotten him to soften up a bit. He still insists he will be right next to anyone holding the baby. He is afraid the baby will wake up and need to recognize him. He's coming from a sweet, albeit overprotective place and I agree to a certain extent. It won't be the end of the world either way and I love the suggestion of making up excuses of the baby needing changed/to eat or using a wrap so people can't snatch the baby away.

I'm thinking we will just play it by ear. Hopefully have just close family and friends come visit 48 hours after the birth, and try to keep distant relatives at bay for a few weeks until we feel up for getting out and about.

nicnackmama · November 2014

We are planning to birth at a birth center that will discharge us 6-8hours after birth. My DH has a large family that likes to be involved (they're your stereotypical Italian-American family). We are planning on having a lunch a day or two after we come home. I assume that the house will be clean (knowing my OCD-ness and the nesting that is likely to be going on) and want to pre-arrange everything, i.e. so-and-so brings lasagna, so-and-so brings dessert making sure my only responsibility is to be present. Have pre-arranged visiting hours, like from from 12-2 then mama and baby need a nap. At least this is our plan for now... I know things are always subject to change.

OP, good luck with figuring out what works for you and your family.

mandi195 · November 2014

I am only allowing parents and siblings to visit at the hospital, and then a few weeks after we will have a "meet the baby" party where everyone can come over, join us for a meal, and meet our little lady. Some in my family are upset about this, but honestly I don't do well with hospitals to begin with, so lots of people will just stress me more, and I'll get overwhelmed. And after, well, honestly, I don't want to have to worry about a bunch of people in my house, if it's clean or not, what I look like, preparing for visitors, etc. Honestly, my opinion, your baby, your choice. Tough luck for them.

jennypolkadots · November 2014

Thanks, everyone! I am starting to realize that the most important thing is how we feel and what feels best for our child, not how other people may feel slighted.

So - I'm going to stop worrying about it and just let it unfold. After the baby is here we can wait a few hours before announcing the birth and then make plans for immediate family a few days later. I can't imagine them arguing with a woman who just pushed a baby out, and I doubt I will be in any mood to be accommodating or apologetic. Worst case scenario, we turn our phones off and just lay in our bed cuddling our new addition and ignoring the world.

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