2nd Trimester
KristenMN
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20 weeks and husband says he doesn't love me anymore
KristenMN
member
Hi, I've never posted on one of these things before but I wanted to get some insight and support.
My husband and I have been together for over 8 years, married for 6. A year and a half ago we moved to a new state and started settling down. In June I got pregnant after 3 months of trying and both of us being eager to start a family together after all this time. My husband has been dealing with depressions since moving here but it's not the first time he's been faced with it during our relationship.
Since I've been pregnant, my husband has been distant, unaffectionate and just generally irritated by me. For a few months he said he was depressed and started taking 2 different anti-depressives before giving up and going back to nothing. He seemed to be getting out of the funk except towards me. Initially I thought it was due to the pregnancy and that he had changed his mind or was nervous about having a child. 3 weeks ago we had a huge fight where I confronted him about his behavior towards me and he apologized and acknowledged that yes he had in fact been distant and he would try to change.
Last night after an especially cranky 2 weeks of him being grumpy and rolling his eyes at anything I had to say, he said he doesn't love me and thinks he's been falling out of love with me over the last year and a half. He only realized it after our last fight. He said he doesn't think he'll love me again and that he doesn't know that he wants to. He'd rather risk being alone and miserable for the rest of his life then stay with his wife and unborn child.
Until the pregnancy we had a wonderful marriage and we've never had anything dysfunctional. I'm completely shocked. He's agreed to try marriage counseling and we have our first appointment tomorrow but since he doesn't expect it to work I worry that he's already got one foot out the door.
To add to this, I spent our marriage supporting him through graduate school after having to move away from my friends and family.
I waited to find the right person and have kids later in life to avoid something like this and now I feel like my world is crashing down around me and I'm powerless to stop it.
Does anyone have experience with marital counseling working for this type of issue or am I screwed?
I'm willing to do whatever needs to be done to keep my marriage but I don't know how that can happen if its only one sided.
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Re: 20 weeks and husband says he doesn't love me anymore
I don't understand how one suddenly falls out of love? My high school sweetheart said the same after four years together. We were young, & dumb-- but I really did love him. My theory is like falling in love can happen in a blink of an eye, then perhaps just being done can happen that way too?
One day he woke up & decided he was done. That was it, & the only explanation he could come up with was that he'd fallen out of love.
He struggled with depression & bipolar mood swings though. So he was impulsive in many other aspects of his life. We remained friends for the rest of his life until he decided he was done with this life too. It was all impulse & mood swings.
If your husband is struggling with depression his judgement may be clouded & his feelings may be all over the place. He needs steady schedules, therapy, & a good medicine regimen. The pregnancy may have simply been a trigger. The trigger for G was graduation & an bad decision that got him put in jail.
Those that struggle with mental illness are hardest on themselves. At their lowest they truly believe that they don't deserve to be loved. So they push others away & it can be heart breaking.
If he is truly done there is not a lot you can do. My mom always said (during her divorce from my Dad) that, "it's so heartbreaking that it takes two to fall in love & make a family. It's just not fair that it takes one to break it all apart."
You are in my thoughts & my heart goes out to you. I hope y'all can find a way to repair your marriage. Please remember your emotional & mental-health needs matter just as much as your husband's. Self-care is important.
Again, my heart goes out to you. This sounds so hard.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Me:36 DH:38 TTC#1 since 4/2012
Me DX: Hashimotos,Hypothyroid, DOR, MTHFR, DH: normal
IUI #1-#4 BFNs and a few cancelled cycles in the mix.
- poor responder
***Suprise BFP on 6/13/13. Natural MC @6wks 3days
IVF#1 and 2- Cancelled due to no response on max stimms
FET 5/20- BFP
1st Beta- 641
2nd beta- 2166
Sono- TWINS!!!!
Two Boys! Born January 2015 @36 weeks. Healthy and no NICU! So blessed!
Keep in mind that depression makes the world a very hard and scary place and can overshadow a lot of the good things about life. He has said very hurtful things but it could be the illness speaking. He need therapy and medication and the two of you should certainly speak to an expert. I wish you all the best and I am sorry that you are going through this while pregnant.
I agree with everything all the other ladies have said, but the statement that I agree with the most is no matter what you will be fine!!! It's so true. Good luck. I hope therapy will help you two get to the bottom of things, one way or another.
Sorry, not me personally But two of my girlfriends went through this. One while pregnant, other with a newborn. One is still working the relationship out, the other has gotten divorced and is happily remarried with a newborn. Counseling is key, for it to work or for you to part with closure. I wish you the best
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Lots of good thoughts and virtual hugs are being sent your way. Stay strong, stay healthy and eventually you will find your right kind of happiness.
>:D<
T&P