Opinions: am I being a bitch?

shelbutler · November 2014

My friend is getting married on Thanksgiving Day at 10AM. To a guy she's been with a few months but has apparently known forever. I was basically told that I was assisting in hosting her shower. I agreed since she's literally been planning her wedding in less than a month - but I'm so frustrated with everything. My thoughts haven't been considered and the other bridesmaid just headed it all up and got about 4 other people to help her. Am I being a bitch by not contributing financially? I only had one paycheck in this time frame and I'm very strapped. I couldn't help bake bc we did DH family thanksgiving last night and I really just don't even want to go now because I feel like everyone is pissed at me. I feel like poop today with nausea and I'm just pissy. But I mean really.....am I being unreasonable?

shelbutler · November 2014

And let me clarify that when I agreed...there was no opportunity to decline but I did make it known upfront I was tight on cash.

JerseyML · November 2014

Im confused. Her wedding is THIS Thanksgiving….as in a couple of days from now?!?! AND she is having a shower when…today?!?!?!

shelbutler · November 2014

Yes wedding is Thursday and shower is today

shelbutler · November 2014

Oh and they went dress shopping without me and said they'd send me pictures while I was at work and get my opinion. I got one picture and was told THIS IS IT!

shelbutler · November 2014

@officedronette‌ that's the thing though, I didn't agree to any financials. I agreed to help get everything together and told I could MAYBE spare $20. I was prepared to chip in that twenty but then I had a flat tire and I was out.

foreverMorgan · November 2014

If you were "told" and not asked, plus you didn't volunteer or offer - No, you are not being a bitch. If your friend is truly your friend she'll be happy just to have you participate regardless of your ability to contribute financially. Especially if you were up front about your money situation.

I lost a good friend over a similar situation only I was the bride. Ok, it wasn't a slapdash wedding but my friend didn't have the money to contribute but didn't tell me. I would have covered her portion, it was more important for me that she just be there. And she wasn't.

Have you talked to your friend about it? I think if you're up front about everything then it puts the ball in her court. Not much else you can do.

JerseyML · November 2014

shelbutler said:

Yes wedding is Thursday and shower is today

I would be f-ing annoyed if I had a friend who had their shower and wedding less than a week apart. I think its incredibly selfish and no you are not being bitchy for being unable to assist financially to her shower, when in a couple of days you have to give her a gift for the wedding. Fuck that. On top of it being on a damn holiday. Ugh all around with this one.

shelbutler · November 2014

@foreverMorgan‌ the bride gets it. We've discussed because when she changed the dresses last week there was absolutely no way I could get that. I told her I will pay her back but it wouldn't be until a few months. She was ok with that.

shelbutler · November 2014

@JerseyML‌ I was so excited a month ago and now I'm just like whatever. I'm excited for her actual wedding (I love weddings!) but I feel like I've got pressure on me I can't get off my shoulders without pissing someone off!

shelbutler · November 2014

I think I'm just bitter with the whole scenario. She's moving across the country next month so I'm not really sure what's in store for our friendship.

JerseyML · November 2014

@shelbutler I love weddings too. I love the whole day affair and I love to get dressed up. And when I'm in the wedding, I love it even more. But I have always had issues with holiday weddings. I have a wedding Memorial Weekend AND on 4th of July next year. Those make me angry.

When I got married I asked my girls to show up on my wedding day only. Of course I had the shower and bachelorette party but if they couldn't make it, I didn't care. I even paid for the dress they would wear so it wasn't a financial burden to them. So when I hear that girls demand so much from their bridal party, it annoys me.

shelbutler · November 2014

@JerseyML‌ I'm ok with the day because he lives out of state and is military so it's the only time they could do it or sonething and I'll also still be able to go to my grandmothers which is my tday tradition.

And I feel bad you've got to do one on July 4th! What's your edd

JerseyML · November 2014

@shelbutler Oh ok military yeah thats ok then. I know its tough for them to get leave so that makes sense. I wouldn't be mad about that.

July 17th. It's my husband's cousin and he is actually happy about it. He doesn't want to go and wants to use me as an excuse.

And you get to still do the traditional thanksgiving too so that's great.

I think I am sounding more bitchy about this than you are. Do what you can. Your friend wanted you there because she loves you. If anyone else says anything..fuck um.

parsaamin · November 2014

I think you should say all this to your friend in question rather than a group of strangers. You made commitments which you didn't keep, so the decent thing to do would be to atleast let the bride know your side of the story. Maybe it won't be a big deal and all will be forgiven.

JulyMommy24 · November 2014

UO: yeah you sound a little bitchy. I personally hate it when bridesmaids get all huffy about stuff. Everyone knows it costs money to be in a wedding, if you couldn't afford it you should've said no to begin with but refusing to contribute bc your ideas aren't being considered is kinda, you said it, bitchy. Who cares if they aren't listening to you, it's not supposed to be about your thoughts or feelings or you at all. Just my unpopular opinion, take it or leave it.

JerseyML · November 2014

JulyMommy24 said:

UO: yeah you sound a little bitchy. I personally hate it when bridesmaids get all huffy about stuff. Everyone knows it costs money to be in a wedding, if you couldn't afford it you should've said no to begin with but refusing to contribute bc your ideas aren't being considered is kinda, you said it, bitchy. Who cares if they aren't listening to you, it's not supposed to be about your thoughts or feelings or you at all. Just my unpopular opinion, take it or leave it.

It was opinions like these that made me avoid the forums on the knot after awhile. The bridesmaids aren't your slaves. And shouldn't have to pay an arm and a leg to be in your wedding either. Do you look at your friends bank accounts first to make sure they can afford it and if they can't you ask them to not be in your wedding anymore?!?!?!

JulyMommy24 · November 2014

JerseyML said:

JulyMommy24 said:

UO: yeah you sound a little bitchy. I personally hate it when bridesmaids get all huffy about stuff. Everyone knows it costs money to be in a wedding, if you couldn't afford it you should've said no to begin with but refusing to contribute bc your ideas aren't being considered is kinda, you said it, bitchy. Who cares if they aren't listening to you, it's not supposed to be about your thoughts or feelings or you at all. Just my unpopular opinion, take it or leave it.

It was opinions like these that made me avoid the forums on the knot after awhile. The bridesmaids aren't your slaves. And shouldn't have to pay an arm and a leg to be in your wedding either. Do you look at your friends bank accounts first to make sure they can afford it and if they can't you ask them to not be in your wedding anymore?!?!?!

----quote fail------

She asked for opinions I gave her mine. I'm not going to apologize because you don't like it. No I did not look at bank accounts, nor did I feel the need to explain to them that it would cost money. Everyone knows the responsibilities involved in being in a wedding and I expected them to be honest with me when I asked if the WANTED to be in my wedding, as a friend should be. If they didn't want to be, for whatever reason, then they could and should say no thank you. But agreeing and then crying about it doesn't reflect poorly on the bride, it reflects poorly on the bridesmaid. It makes them look selfish and bratty.

I also didn't cry and huff and throw a pity party when I have been in weddings and had to pay for stuff or if something wasn't particularly to my taste. Because paying for it is part of the deal and my tatse didn't matter only the bride and groom mattered. Honestly, it's not hard.

Edit bc words are hard.

thiscoffeechick · November 2014

The only thing that made me side-eye your post a little was the fact that you had agreed to contribute $20 but then got a flat tire so re-negged (sp?)
What if you had put up the $ and another girl had an unexpected expense and she left you hanging?
I understand money is tight but you made a commitment on that financially and you should pawn something if it means you won't stiff someone for money they were counting on.
Sorry you're in this whole situation!

cabinchick · November 2014

Honestly, yeah. I think it sounds a little bitchy. You should definitely go and support the bride in whatever way you can.

I also thought it was common practice for bridesmaids to contribute to some sort of a shower...but I was proven wrong on multiple occasions - my own, and the shower I almost entirely single handedly had to throw a friend of mine. I remember feeling AWFUL when the other bridesmaids (including moh) contributed nothing in the way if help, decorating, cleaning, ideas, or even a few bucks. The while thing set me back almost a grand but I did it because I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend. Maybe I'm just old fashioned or something, but if you didn't want to help with these sort of things, you should have declined to be in the wedding.

GraceWordie · November 2014

Normally nobodies feelings are considered but the bride and grooms. Regardless of how you feel you should be a good friend and do the things you committed to. Understandable why your annoyed but there's really no way out at this point, could be much worse.

shelbutler · November 2014

I would never not go of course I'll go wih a smile on my face; I just felt bad for being so I'll about it. I helped set up te shower and clean up etc. And will be there for all the extra to dos for the wedding. I was mostly terrified there would be a fall out with the other bridesmaid about financials. There wasn't thank goodness.

And yeah I reneged for the tire because it was $120 that I didn't have and kind of a necessity for me to go somewhere.

Even the bride told me this afternoon she was getting frustrated with the time crunch and she's appreciated everyone's help so I guess I was just paranoid over the $20?

MisSmartyPants · November 2014

Well the shower is probably over by now. I think you should piss at it all. Go to the wedding....eat and drink what you can...and that is it. Besides - who gets married on THANKSGIVING!! I think it is really inconsiderable towards the guests to pull them away from a family holiday.

crason · November 2014

A friend who knows you're strapped for cash and expects you to contribute is a selfish cow. Why can't everyone just elope?!

shelbutler · November 2014

JulyMommy24 said:

UO: yeah you sound a little bitchy. I personally hate it when bridesmaids get all huffy about stuff. Everyone knows it costs money to be in a wedding, if you couldn't afford it you should've said no to begin with but refusing to contribute bc your ideas aren't being considered is kinda, you said it, bitchy. Who cares if they aren't listening to you, it's not supposed to be about your thoughts or feelings or you at all. Just my unpopular opinion, take it or leave it.

@julymommy24: I wasn't getting huffy over my ideas. It's just frustrating to be 'co-hosting/planning' a shower with another bridesmaid that literally takes NOTHING you say into account. That's where that 'huffiness' came from - why am I even helping you if it's only what you want that's when I feel like plan it yourself. I already had the dress she wanted us to wear when she asked, which is why I said yes, then she changed dresses a week prior.

Also; I think many people confused me with saying I feel like poop and don't want to go, with I didn't want to go at all. I'm psyched about the wedding, really I am, I just wasn't so much down with the shower.

However, the shower went over fantastically and we all got along great. Lmao.

MrsC0409 · November 2014

In my experience, if you have to ask if you're being a bitch... you probably are being at least a little bitchy.

shelbutler · November 2014

@mrsC0409 hahaha, you nailed that on the head. I had tried to discuss this with DH and he was like who cares, it is what it is. I kept telling him I was terrified to go to the shower because I thought they'd be mad at me (I freak about stupid shit like that). It was nice getting everyones different opinions on it though, for real.

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